Steve was the last one to move out of the Compound after a year and two months. Thor had not been seen since we had found and killed Thanos and Thor made his disappearance. Pepper took Tony when he had recovered, I'm not sure where they went, perhaps they bought a house somewhere, I could only hope. Bruce was the third one to leave, one day he was at the compound, then the next day he was not. Carol went off to other planets that were suffering the same decimation as us, every few weeks or so she would check in with us and give us updates on her progress. When it came down to me, Natasha, Steve, Rhodey, Rocket, and Nebula being the only ones living in the Compound, no one knew what to do. With half the population gone, what could you do? 

Steve, being himself, tried to keep everyone's spirits up, coming up with reasons why we should "look on the bright side of things". These were not his exact words, but that was what it would sound like every time he spoke, and it was getting on my nerves. I spent most of my time alone in my room, my only company being James the Cat, the dog-tag around my neck, and a dead communications channel. I wanted to be left alone, that's why I stayed in my room, but Steve didn't seem to get that. 

One day I was in my room, crying as one does, and Steve came knocking on my door. He always knew when someone was in the dumps, it was like a sixth sense. Of course, I let him in, it was polite, but I knew the words that were going to leave his mouth. 

"Mind if I sit?" He asked as he closed the door. 

"You're in here already," I replied, wiping some tears from my cheeks.

Steve sat down at the edge of my bed, he scratched behind James' ears for a moment before looking up at me through those concerned blue eyes. "This is the third day you that haven't left your room."

"Yes, I know."

"Everyone is a little worried-" 

"I can take care of myself," I interrupted. 

"I know you can-"

"Then don't give me a pep-talk because that is not what I need right now."

Steve looked astonished at my sudden change of tone. I am usually responsive to his uplifting speeches, they used to help all the time and I was grateful for them, but now, I remained unmoved, my hands clasped in my lap as I stared at him, anger slowly building up. Steve opened his mouth to speak again and I held back the urge to groan. 

"Things don't always go according to plan," he began. "And when that happens, we need to adjust to those changes and find ways to live with it." 

I scrunched my face at his words. Live with what? The fact that our friends and family are dead?

"This is different, Steve." I shook my head. "You're talking like this is a simple mistake that can be fixed, but it can't." 

Steve maintained his relaxed composure. "I know it can't be fixed, I'm saying that sometimes you have to live with the mistakes you made in order to--" 

"To what? Move on?" I cut in. 

Steve pursed his lips, glancing down for a second then looking back at me. "In this situation, it's the best we can do."

"Bullshit." 

Steve went stiff at my words. My ears felt warm as I began to boil in anger, the words that were about to come out of my mouth were going to be colder than my hands. 

"How can you say that, Steve? What is wrong with you? You keep telling everyone to move on like it's easy, but it's not!" At my loud volume, James jumped off my bed and hid under the frame. "We lost, Steve! We lost everyone! And you act like we spilled a carton of milk!" I got up from my bed and stood in front of Steve. "We lost Sam, we lost Wanda, Vision, T'Challa, Peter, Shuri- We lost Bucky, Steve!" My arms extended outward to make a point, tears began to leave my eyes in this fit of anger. "We lost Bucky again, this is what... The fourth time we've lost him? Have you started to forget what his voice sounds like?" Steve stared up at me with wide eyes. "Because I have. And that is the worst feeling ever. You lost your best friend, and you act like it's no big deal! What the hell is wrong with you?" 

"I'm just trying to help," Steve said, his throat dry. 

My jaw clenched, I exhaled out of my nose and white vapor clouded out. My fists were clenched and shaking, it was like I was a bull, ready to break every dish in a china shop. Steve looked scared. It was taking everything in my power not to freeze my entire room including him. My anger went down to a simmer, I exhaled and vapor clouded again. 

"Everyone used to know us as Earth's Greatest Defenders, the Avengers, the ones who would save us all." My volume went down, but the bite in my voice was still present. "Now we're the team that failed. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up. I never have." 

"I'm not telling you to give up," Steve defended himself. 

"Then stop telling me to move on, Steve." I snapped. "Because if I move on, I'll forget, and I don't want to forget." 

Steve looked down shamefully at his hands folded in his lap. I had never raised my voice at him or ever gotten angry at him. The emotions that I was feeling at that moment, were emotions that I had not felt since working as an assassin under HYDRA, or when I was in the hospital during my fight with Tony. Anguish, hatred, despair, all were emotions that I felt at that moment. I felt weak, defeated, hopeless, and out of control. I quickly wiped a tear that was rolling down my cheek, only for more to follow. 

Steve watched me, his eyes big and full of fear. He wasn't sure what to do with himself, whether he should stay and care for me, or leave my room and let me handle things on my own. His hands remained folded in his lap, it amazed me how he could always remain relaxed, but I could see through it. His eyes flicked down to my feet and his brows furrowed slightly. I glanced down as well, seeing that a circle of frost had extended from my feet. 

"I'd advise that you leave before I make a storm in here," I spoke through gritted teeth. "You can take your inspirational speeches elsewhere." 

Steve stood from my bed and left without a word, closing the door behind him. I listened as his footsteps faded down the hall, the muffled voice of FRIDAY speaking from the elevator confirmed that he had left my floor and that I was alone again. 

I looked around my room, my heart rate increasing and I opened and closed my hands, the urge to break or throw something was building up. This urge was foreign to me, but not to the blood-thirsty killer that once inhabited my body. Her appearances were rare, the last time she had shown through was when I threw the glass of water at my hospital door. It was not my best decision, but it was somewhat relieving. I did not desire to break anything in my bedroom, everything in here was too precious to me. There was always the gym downstairs, where I could let out my anger in a somewhat more healthy way. A punching bag is meant to be punched, but the person that I am angry at also has a habit of punching a bag to let out their emotions. The blood-thirsty killer was getting impatient in the back of my head, her destructive desires needed to be catered. 

My eyes flicked around the room, desperate to find something to help. They finally fell on the pillow sitting on my bed, I sighed and walked over to my bed. Both my hands gripped the pillow, I inhaled deeply and shoved my face into the soft cushion. An angry scream left my throat and was muffled by the pillow, the scream continued until I was out of breath and my throat hurt. I lifted my face from the pillow and held it to my chest, I turned around and fell backward onto my bed, letting out a huff when I landed on the mattress. James came out of hiding and hopped onto the bed, he sat next to my face and stared at me. I stared back at him and hummed a small laugh. 

"You see me at my best, don't you?" 

~~~

A week after my argument with Steve, he had left the Compound. There was a part of me that felt like I was the cause of his leave, but Natasha said that I shouldn't feel responsible. Natasha also took the initiative to continue the Avengers because "Fury would have wanted us to". We sent everyone on different missions to help with repercussions. Natasha's job was to decide what their missions were, my job was to give them debriefings and set up their mission plan. Rhodey had enough experience to know what to do, so his debriefings were quick and simple. Natasha worked with Carol, her debriefings were also quick and simple because we trusted that she knew what to do. Rocket and Nebula were a different story, and I was the one who had to deal with them. 

I stood in front of the holo table, their location map and schedule were on display. Nebula leaned back in her seat but was listening attentively to what I had to say, even if she didn't understand some of the terminologies I was using. Rocket was standing on the table, staring with his brows furrowed at the location map. 

"After you check in with... with..." I struggled with a planet name. 

"Praxius IX," Nebula said.

"Thank you, head to Conjunction- and Rocket, no gambling in the casino," I peered through the hologram at the raccoon. 

"Now why would I do that?" Rocket asked sarcastically. 

"You're doing this to help others, follow the mission plan," I said, turning my attention back to the map. "Finally, you're making a quick stop at the Hub for a crime check." 

"Ooh, my favorite place," Rocket rubbed his hands together.

"Rocket, you're familiar with this space station, I trust you know your way around. If there is any surge of crime, you contact me, and we'll send in Carol," I finished. 

"How do you wish us to contact you?" Nebula asked. 

"Whatever is easiest for you, radio, text, page, email, I don't care." I shrugged.

"Email?" Rocket questioned. 

"Oh, right, you've probably never used that," I swiped my hand and the hologram disappeared. 

"Well, now I'm interested." Rocket stood upright. 

I raised an eyebrow and turned to my closed laptop that sat on the table. I opened it and waved Rocket over, he walked across the table and watched as I opened up my email. 

"Basically, you create your account, and through it, you can send messages to other people who also have email accounts," I explained. 

"I want one," Rocket said.

"Really? Wouldn't radioing or calling over the holo table be easier?" I looked at the raccoon. 

"No, no, this seems more fun." He pointed to my screen. 

The only other person who I had helped set up an email account was Steve, and surprisingly, it was easier to explain to Rocket. It was easier since he was already advanced in the technology field. He was attentively watching as I set up his account while Nebula went over the mission schedule. 

"And... there you go, [email protected]," I turned the computer towards Rocket and he grinned. "I added my email address as well as Natasha's. Only email us when you need to." 

"Sweet." Rocket nodded in amusement.

~~~

"I see you've taught the raccoon how to use emails..." Natasha said one afternoon when I came downstairs.

Rocket and Nebula had left for their mission two days ago, if they were following the mission plan, they should be on their way to Praxius IX. Natasha sat at the kitchen island in front of her laptop with a cup of coffee.

"Has he been emailing you a lot?" I asked, my eyes were set on an untouched apple in the fruit basket.

"Not too much, no." Natasha shook her head.

"Did he say where they were?" I asked, grabbing that apple.

"Yeah, uh, Praxius IX," Natasha answered, not having any trouble with the word as I did.

I looked at the red apple in my hand, a question pondered my mind and I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask. I chewed on the inside of my lip, watching Natasha answer Rocket's email. Her eyes flicked up from the monitor at me, then they went back to the screen.

"Got another question, Frosty?" She asked without removing her eyes from the screen.

I hesitated before speaking, "Any word from Rhodey?"

Natasha paused in her typing, she pursed her lips, typed another word, and glanced up at me. "There's not much from him, he's been hitting dead ends. Every sighting of..." She held back the lump in her throat. "Of Clint is as he's going somewhere else. I don't know what to tell you, Ellie."

I nodded stiffly, keeping my jaw tight. "I'll be upstairs if you need me." I turned towards the elevator and began walking.

"You aren't going to try the comms again, are you?" Natasha called to me as I reached the doors.

My finger hovered over my floor number, I had been trapped. I waited for Natasha to say something, but it would have been easier to just leave right then.

"It's not doing you any good, Ellie," Natasha said.

I pressed the floor button and the elevator doors opened.

~~~

Once again my sleep was wracked with nightmares. I was able to pull myself out of it and sit up on my bed with my heart pounding out of my chest. Every night had been the same. I was no longer suffering from nightmares about HYDRA or Wes, and I thought it was a good thing... But it turned out those nightmares had been replaced by a new trauma. I reached over to my bedside table, feeling around in the dark for my desk lamp and my hand hit the chain. I pulled down and a dim, yellow light illuminated a small area around me. The pounding in my chest was still present and did not seem like it was going away anytime soon.

"FRIDAY?" I spoke out loud, my voice shook.

"I have opened your emergency contact list, shall I alert Captain Rog-" FRIDAY began.

"No, it's fine..." I brushed my hair out of my face and slowly inhaled. "Is Natasha awake?"

"Miss Romanoff is currently asleep in her room," FRIDAY replied.

I nodded. "You can go now, I don't need anything else."

"Yes, Miss Flint."

I pulled my knees to my chest and slowly breathed in and out, practicing all the methods I preached to others. My eyes fell back to my bedside table and landed on the small earpiece. I picked it up and placed it in my ear, clicking the small button to send out a signal.

I took in another deep breath before speaking. "Hey, Buck..." I glanced at my clock. "It's 2 am... I couldn't sleep again, and I really don't want to wake up Nat so I guess I'll just talk to you for a while... Even though you might not answer. Uhm... It's been almost two years now... Every day it gets a little harder. I miss you... So much." I paused and was answered with static noise from the earpiece. I wiped a tear from my face, not knowing if it was new or preexisting from the nightmare.

"I don't know what I should do. I mean, Steve says to move on, which honestly makes me mad sometimes, I don't know how you were able to deal with him for so long." A small smile pulled at my lips. "Nat and I are the only ones doing anything around here. I don't know if I should look for you or peace... But you've got to be somewhere out there, right?" More static.

"God, I'm an idiot for even trying this. I should probably stop beating myself up and go to sleep instead of talking to a dead communications channel, but whatever helps, I guess..." I pressed my lips together and looked up at the ceiling. "I love you... And I will get you back... Bye, James..."