"Pa, I'm home!" I threw the front door open.

"I'm in my office!" I heard him respond from down the hallway.

"I'm headed upstairs!" I made a pit stop in the kitchen and grabbed some snacks, as I planned to be in my room for the next dozen or so hours.

When I got to my room, I kicked my shoes off, dumped the food on my desk, and leapt up onto my bed.

"I face this test like I face all others. I resist as I always resist. Though you drive me to madness, I survive. You hear me?! I survive!"

I'd memorized the monologue three years ago, but it came back to me now, the words still as striking as ever.

"But what is survival without reward? What is survival with emptiness? I could have kept to the safety of the shore, the security of my home.... But there was so much emptiness." I placed a hand on my heart, my mind providing me with an image of a rapt audience listening to my every word. "And I never found the reward despite all my labors.... I slowly felt myself slipping away...."

I sank to my knees, speaking softly. "But the sea.... The sea and the battles that awaited me.... Will they destroy me? Was I not prepared for what I would face?"

I held my hand up, as if holding a sword at eye level. "Did I wait too long to take up my sword? Am I too weak now? Where am I? Where have I gone?"

I let my hand drop to my side and took a deep breath, then surged to my feet. "I'm lost at sea and lost inside myself! Give me direction! Give me an answer! I need something, anything!"

I jumped off the bed and whirled, facing imaginary adversaries. "Why have you cast me out again?! Am I lost in my madness for all eternity?!"

I leapt up onto my desk chair, holding my head. "Stop! Stop this now! You're tearing me apart!"

The scene in my head went silent, the soft sirensong I was imagining cutting out as I shouted.

"Love.... Passion.... Purpose.... Needs.... They drive me mad, yet I feel empty when they are gone!" I started quietly and got louder as I continued my 'recital' of the Siren monologue. "My chest is filled with hurt.... I can hardly breathe...." I let my voice fall to a whisper, getting down from my chair. "Why do I need what destroys me?"

I dropped to my knees again, resting my head on my chest. "I'm so tired. I've been on this journey and fought in this war and yet there are still no answers.... Still no end...." I looked at the ceiling. "I keep searching.... Keep looking.... And keep finding the same emptiness.... The same trap!"

I didn't stand, but let my voice rise again as I neared the end of the monologue. "The same path which loops in on itself, infinity, the unending loop. Why can't I just break the cycle and find a way out!"

It felt good to recite that. The last time I'd performed it, I'd been in front of hundreds of people at the finals of a Forensics competition. The energy of the performance had brought everyone to their feet.

"Good day at school?" I looked up. Pa was leaning in the doorway. "It's been a while since I've heard you shouting lines from 'Secrets of my Soul.'"

I nodded and stood up, grinning at him.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Well, there's this girl-"

Pa laughed. "This ought to be interesting."

"Shhh. You asked if I wanted to talk about it." I grinned at him.

"I did. Go on."

"She's a transfer and she's in three of my classes. Her hair looks like that chocolate colored dress Mom used to wear, shimmery like silk and looks softer than a blanket. Her skin is about the same color, so are her eyes, and I think on anyone else they would look boring, but she makes them look so pretty..." I sighed, recalling the image of her eyes sparkling in triumph, the upward twitch of her soft-looking lips into a smirk as she correctly answered a question no one else in the class could get for ten minutes.

"Her skin looks so perfect and she's so smart and she's amazing and I have absolutely no chance with her at all."

I flopped onto my bed, covering my face with my hands.

"You've really hit hard." Pa laughed softly. "Try talking to her."

"No, no way." I sat up and shook my head. "I'd be a total mess, she'd think I was an idiot."

"You never know until you try." Pa said. "Dinner is in the fridge, by the way. I've got a conference call in 10 and it's probably going to take a while to wrap up."

I nodded, pointing to the mound of snacks still on my desk. "Don't worry, I'm set."

He nodded and turned to leave. "Oh, Philip?"

"Yeah, Pa?"

"If you don't want to talk to her, try writing something. Worked for me. And don't forget to do your homework."

I nodded. "I won't."

Pa left, closing the door.

"Write something...." I murmured.

I dug a clean sheet of paper from the bottom drawer of my desk. Grabbing a pen from my drawing supplies, I began to write slowly.

'My dear Theodosia'

I shook my head and crossed it out. "That sounds creepy."

'Theodosia'

"That sounds too blunt." I groaned, scribbling that out too.

'Dear Theodosia'

Perfect. But what to say to her?

I quickly scribbled a paragraph and read it out loud to myself.

'I just had to tell you, you're beautiful. When you walked into my class today, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. You seem so smart and you're so pretty and you're way out of my league, but I wanted to tell you anyway.'

I crumpled the paper and tossed it in the basket. "That is waaaaay too stalker sounding."

What was wrong with me? I'd never had any problems with writing things before. I had my dad's brain, always bursting with thoughts and ideas, but right now it was falling rather impressively short.

I grabbed the Monster I'd snatched from the fridge during my raid of the kitchen and cracked it open, downing half of it in one go.

"This is gonna be a long night."