2022

February.

"Nag-sign na ako. I'm excited and nervous," I told my friends.

"Maraming magagalit diyan. Expect mo na reaction ng mga tao kasi mataas ang standards sa book. Hindi mapapantayan ng mga totoong tao 'yong imagination," Raiver said.

"Oo naman. Ine-expect ko na... but it's really my dream."

Seeing my work on the big screen had always been my dream. Before signing my work for an adaptation, I considered many things, and I knew it would come with many consequences.

I had many offers, so I had to carefully choose which company to go to. I considered many things, but the most important one for me was staying true to the story. I wanted the adaptation to stick to the plot of the story. I knew there would be a lot of changes since it would be impossible to fit all the scenes in one series, so I at least just wanted no changes to the plot.

Until... there was a movie going to be produced that was against my principles.

"Shit, what do I do?" I held my head, complaining to my friends. The adaptation was not announced yet, so it would look like I was going against my morals and the candidate I would vote for in the elections once it was announced. I was stressed out.

"Well, wala ka namang magagawa. Naka-sign ka na ng kontrata. Alagaan mo na lang 'yong storya kasi 'yon 'yong message mo sa mga tao. May pinaparating ka roon, 'di ba? That message is contradictory to what people would say about you. Just make sure the political aspect in your story won't change," Ria said.

"This will look bad on me. Kinausap ko nga ang management. Sinabi ko lahat ng thoughts and reservations ko tungkol dito... but it's not like we can just back out of the deal." Napabuntong-hininga ako.

"Gaya ng sabi ni Ria, your story is another message. Contradictory ang dalawa pero that's the point. Just don't let anyone compromise that part of your story. Let that serve as your message to people na iba ang pananaw mo. Let the people think what they want to think." Eliza said.

I realized then that despite that movie being produced and released, as long as my work stayed true to its essence, people would recognize that my principles were still intact. After all, I had spent years trying to convey a message.

The whole year, I was struggling with writing.

I was stressed with a lot of things.

"I'm losing the laude," I cried, getting increasingly anxious. "If I lose the laude, makakapasok pa ba akong law school? May chance pa ba ako? My dreams depend on this."

"Calm down, Aya," my boyfriend said. "Entrance exams are more important in law school. You can do it. Just review well and do your best in the exam."

"And if I don't pass?"

"Take it again next year."

I was struggling with a lot of things all at the same time, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. To add to that, it was getting hard to always think about what others would say. It was just not the same anymore... Many people were telling me what to do, so I felt restrained. There were some restrictions. There was no freedom, so I wasn't motivated anymore.

The writing that I loved so much... It changed.

"Do you think this affected your works?"

"At the start, yes. But not the plot. The plot for my works was already planned beforehand, and there was a low chance of me changing what happened in the last book. Book two pa lang alam ko na mangyayari sa last book. It just affected the way I wrote because I always felt like I had chains on my wrists. I always had to be careful with every little thing, but writers shouldn't feel that way. Writers should not be afraid to take risks and write."

Because what would that make of me? Would I still be a writer? Or someone working to provide service for other people?

I couldn't figure out what they wanted me to do. I tried to grant one request, then another, then another, until I gave people the wrong idea that they could actually tell me what to do. I lost my sense of self. I lost my motivation to write.

"Sorry, let's talk later. I'm not feeling so well..." I ended the call with my boyfriend right after posting a chapter and closing my laptop.

I held my chest because it was getting hard to breathe. I stood up and took medicine before going to bed again, closing my eyes. Every time I would post a chapter, I would get anxious. That was how bad it was going.

It was the same feeling: drowsy, heart beating fast, hands trembling. I was too scared to read what other people thought of the new chapter, but I had to read it to know if I was doing something wrong. I was always so scared to do something wrong.

Again, it was the trauma. I would shut down whenever I was anxious.

August-September.

"Finally..." I said as soon as I clicked 'publish.'

I thought of it a lot of times. I rewrote the last five chapters a lot of times. I was anxious for so many days, thinking of the people's reactions. I didn't know what to feel when I finally published them.

Should I feel relieved because I finally finished the series I spent years writing? Or should I feel anxious because I knew how people would react to it?

I thought a lot about changing my plot– changing what I had planned from the start, but that would also mean I would give the people what they wanted and forget about what I wanted for my story. I knew my characters. I knew what I wanted to do. I had a message to convey. Even if it is a bad ending to others, it could be a good ending to some. The more important thing is that it is the ending I want as a writer.

"It happens. In reality, that's just how it is. If you are bothered by that, you should be. In the real world, these people in power don't choose who to spare," Eliza said when I asked her opinion.

"Some said they felt pity for the female character who was left alone..."

"But was she totally alone?"

"No... She wasn't alone. She was happy around her loved ones. She felt loved, and she said so herself..."

"It's what the people want for her, not what you want for her. It's not the end of her life. She can move forward and do the things she always wanted to do... and that is a happy ending, too."

"She traveled, met a lot of people, tried new things, she was living the life she dreamed of... but since she was young, she always yearned for someone's love..."

"And she still got it, didn't she?"

"Yes... She said his love was enough to last her a lifetime."

"I think we just have different perspectives of love and happy endings. It's romance, so people naturally just think a character needs to have a husband for them to get a happy ending... but it's not just romance. The story tackles a lot of other things too. You cannot control how others will understand the message of your story. It's just how art is. People interpret art differently."

I was reading their comments. There were mixed reactions from people. I know... They deserve each other. They do, but considering their individual experiences, this male character just wanted peace more than love. Being with her would mean he would constantly be worried and anxious that something might happen to her because of his line of work. He had a purpose. And that was his only goal in life.

"You know, having a mixed reaction from people just tells you that your stories have an impact. And that should make you feel something... that they love the story and the characters so much. That they are interested in what you are writing. You should look at it that way..." the therapist said.

"But that was the start of everything. There were a lot of comments I wanted to reply to just to explain why that was impossible. People said a lot of things..."

'Halatang minadali niya. Gusto niya lang talaga matapos. Sobrang unfair.'

I have been writing that story for over a year, and that ending has been planned since Book 2.

'Ganyan ending para gumanti sa readers niya.' 

Revenge? For what?

'Parang hindi siya nag-iisip. Ginawa niyang tanga character niya. Pwede namang mag-bulletproof vest'

He could get shot in the head.

'Bulletproof car'

What happens after stepping out of the car?

There were a lot of ways to kill him, even if he successfully avoided the first one. He could continue driving, but the enemy would come for his family or for his lover. He could choose not to go, but they would go to him instead. He could choose to hide, but how long will that last?

He could act like nothing had happened, but he had loved ones. His sister was pregnant. His lover was already victimized by that family. They could die if he continued to avoid his fate. It was a sacrifice.

He could choose to do other things, but it was a dead-end. He knew that. What he did was risky. He made mistakes that led to that point. But he was prepared for that. He planned everything from the start. It was not an accident. He knew.

"Gagawa ako ng video tapos ipo-post ko sa YouTube. I'll address everything people have been saying about me for the last time... Sana ma-clear na lahat. Napapagod na ako," sabi ko sa mga kaibigan ko.

"Okay 'yan. Support ako diyan para manahimik na rin 'yong iba."

"Just prepare for the backlash. Not everyone will understand. The people who hate you will always find something to hate about."

"But they might also finally stop?" I was hoping. 

It was quite the opposite.

I addressed everything they had been throwing at me for the past years, but somehow, some people on the internet still managed to pick one sentence from everything I said and made that the topic of the year in social media.

Just because I said before, I used to have a spare account to defend myself. Of course, from all those fake rumors and fake news, because if I did that with my main account, I would get more backlash based on experience. But since I realized it wouldn't work, I just stopped.

And they somehow translated that to paint me as someone creating dummy accounts to bully people.

Ridiculous.

I had to explain that that wasn't the case. But people didn't listen. They kept spreading that online, tapos iaasa ulit sa akin ang explanation.

Why? Weren't you the one who posted that to purposely make people hate me? Why would you ask me to explain and apologize for something you did?

It was like I was back on the cycle. Like I was back in 2020. I got tired of explaining. I told myself... less talk, less mistakes. So when I uploaded a video to address the issues they were raising, I kept it short so people wouldn't take my words out of context anymore... but some people got angrier with what I did.

"What... What do they want me to do?" I whispered, holding my head. Nakaupo lang ako sa kama at nakasandal habang hawak ang phone ko.

'Kapag sa haters ang haba ng explanation pero para sa aming readers less than fifteen seconds lang. Sobra kang nakaka-disappoint.'

'I'm so disappointed in you. Ganito mo na lang talaga kami itatrato?'

'I regret supporting you.'

I decided not to talk much because I was afraid people would nitpick my words again... That decision ended up being wrong.

At that point, I just... didn't know what to do anymore. I tried everything: long explanations and short explanations, but nothing worked. Everything got worse and worse... The more I read about their hatred, the more it resonated with me until I also started hating myself.

'She's just a bad writer. That's the explanation.'

'Galit pa rin ako sa 'yo dahil sa ending. Petition to change it.'

'Hindi niya gagawin 'yan matigas ulo niyan eh. Sobrang disappointing.'

I scrolled more, biting my fingernails. I couldn't move again. The anxiety was creeping inside me, reaching my head.

'Bakit ang daming nagbago sa past book?'

'Kasi pinabago ng iba. Sinunod niya naman.'

'Wala ba siyang sariling desisyon? Lagi kasing pine-please readers niya.'

I'm confused. I played with my hands, getting increasingly anxious every time I scrolled. My heart was beating so fast.

'Baguhin mo 'yung ending para masaya kaming lahat.'

What do I do? Change it? Not change it? Whatever decision I make, it all turns out to be wrong. I was so afraid to be wrong again. My mind... has so many scribbles. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't picture what I wanted to do anymore. Everything is in chaos.

Something... was building up. It was that feeling.

Calm down. Calm down... You've been doing well for a long time now. You can do it. Keep it together. Calm down.

Just don't do anything.

"That ending sparked the flame. I questioned myself a lot of times... if that was the right decision. If I should have just changed everything and written what people wanted me to write... But what would that make of me? What kind of writer would that make me? That was my way of breaking the chains on my wrists, but every night, I started questioning myself if I should have just endured it more... If I should have just given them the ending they wanted, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I was having a crisis... then I started hating writing. The thing I loved the most since I was twelve... I started hating it."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Like shit. It was like I lost my purpose in life. I didn't open my writing account for a long time. I refused to read my own works. I avoided anything that would remind me of writing. I muted all the words associated with my works so I won't see them while scrolling. My friends were starting to get worried and sad for me because I used to be so happy with my work, but then I started hating everything. I love my characters a lot, but I also avoided even just hearing their names. Naging ganoon kalala."

"I hate writing," I told my friends. "I will never write again."

"Huh? Seryoso ka ba diyan?" tanong ni Isa. "You will never write again? But you've been writing since you were twelve. Sure ka bang kaya mo?"

"Whatever. I hate it. I hate the thought of it. I hate the fact that people always have something bad to say about it. I can't take it."

"But it's part of being a writer. Some people will criticize your works, but some people will also love your works. Palaging may two sides," sabi ni Raiver.

"Haven't I had enough of receiving hate?" I asked, looking at them with no emotion in my eyes. "It's all because of writing. I blame writing. I blame myself for starting to write. I fucking hate it. I even deleted the app. I did everything so I won't ever see my works again. If I could only erase them from my memories, I fucking would-"

"Calm down... You're emotional. Hindi mo gusto 'yan. You love your works," Eliza told me.

"I don't anymore," I seriously said.

While I was in the middle of hating my writing, I started to hate myself too. Right... I was the one to blame. This all happened because of me... This is all solely because of me. Because I let myself go through all of that.

Maybe what they're saying about me is true.

Maybe I am a bad person.

Maybe I should just give up.

Maybe they're right. I don't have anyone with me anymore.

In the midst of all the chaos, I started to have tunnel vision, where I only saw all the hate.

'I am so disappointed in you, Aya.'

'Tangina nitong problematic author na 'to'

'Finally I have a reason to justify my hatred for her <3'

'Deserve ma-hate HAHAHA pls keep it going wag kayo titigil'

I received all kinds of curses. It wouldn't hurt much to hear from the people who hated me from the start, but hearing them from those who told me they would be there for me was different. And from the people I treated as friends jumping on the hate train.

I would understand strangers from the internet changing sides so quickly. But the people I literally met in real life... the people I hung out with... the people I laughed and smiled with... They turned their backs so quickly and started saying bad things about me. I just thought... Why? Since when were they feeling like that? If they knew me well, they wouldn't believe what other people said about me. That was what I thought.

But... Could I really blame them? I did not explain my side, so I'm the one at fault.

I was conflicted. I didn't know what to feel anymore.

"I felt like I had no one because those friends I trusted just did me dirty. My mind started going to places. I felt like everyone had no genuine intention with me. People online started mentioning my friends and telling them to leave me or stop associating with me, or else they would also attack them. Some people started messaging my family privately... my friends too... Even my blockmates and my ex-classmates from other universities. I didn't know how to face them anymore."

I avoided my friends, my family... I avoided my readers. I avoided everyone.

"I avoided them because they were also getting hated just by being with me, and I felt... so ashamed... that they would have to go through what I was going through. Ayaw ko nang mangdamay ng ibang tao. I could endure all the pain by myself. I didn't want their names to be tarnished, too, just by being with me. And... also because... I felt like they would avoid me too, so I avoided them first."

"What makes you think they would want to avoid you?"

"No one likes getting hated... especially for something you didn't do, and especially because of someone else. I know that feeling... and I don't want others to go through that. Ako na ang lumayo."

I didn't want other people to be absorbed by the darkness that surrounded me. They should save themselves even if that would mean leaving me alone, drowning.

No one could ever save me, anyway—not anymore. I was so deep in it already. The hatred I felt was directed to no one other than myself. I hated myself, blamed myself, and questioned myself.

"I felt like I was bringing misfortune to everyone... so I told myself it would bring peace to everyone if I would just die."

I just had to endure it for one more day, and then everything would be gone by morning. My worries, my trauma, my anxiety, my loneliness, the hatred... and myself. They would all be gone by the next day... and that gave me so much comfort.

I felt calm.

I felt relaxed.

I felt... relieved and happy... knowing that it would all end soon.