I Wish I Lived a Fairytale

Embarrassment. Anger. Frustration. Remorse.

Why did I do that?

It wasn't my fault!

If she hadn't been so stupid...

Forgive me, please.

Shattered hope, crushed desires. Whispers of treachery, talk of sick, sick plans.

Every minute someone's heart is torn in two. Every fifty seconds someone will burst into tears, a reminiscent of what they had lost. And each second someone will feel a sharp blade slice their mind and emotions in two, and they will never feel again, never, ever feel again, because they are know what comes with love, what comes with choosing to feel. They will vow to never smile, never laugh, never cry. They'll be melted into steel, having nothing, nothing at all. It's a simple answer for a complex happening: The seconders will be broken, unable to be repaired, fallen to pieces.

Me? I know. I know how it feels because like all those other girls and boys, those other men and women, I won't let myself feel. I... I'm a seconder. My mind and emotions have been stabbed, and me, I've loved before. Only that my story is another shade of pink then you would think.

Oh, I wish I lived a fairytale. And not because I want to have my own handsome prince, not because I want to have a fancy little dress and ride in one of those beautiful pumpkin carriages. I really, truly wished I lived a fairytale because if I did, I would've had a happy ending. 'Cause you know, Serenarella got married to Prince Calem Charming, and Ash Ketchum finally became a Pokemon master, and they said those things aren't possible, but they happened anyway. And I'm jealous, so, so mournfully jealous, that those miracles don't happen with me.

If my story was written any other way, I would've been with you. That's what I want our last page to be, that's the way I want to have it scripted. Then people wouldn't be like me, dying on the inside and drowned in conflicting feelings, but steel cold on the outside. Those people who'd read our story would be smiling as they flipped down the back cover; they'd have that warm, warm feeling of hope and euphoria that just doesn't exist in my world.

Cinder, I'm sorry for being so naïve. If you'd just let me, if you just give me one more chance I'd be the princess and you could be my brother prince. We could rule the throne together and they won't have to give me a frog to kiss because you being my friend will make me never lonely again. I know I said things about you that I shouldn't have said, I know I pointed out your flaws when others praised their Pokemon for everything they did right. I know I told you to go, to leave me, to never make me look like a disgrace again. I blamed you for all my problems, for everything I did wrong, for everything that took the wrong turn. And... and I remember that I kicked you, beat you in such a way that should have me killed. I screamed about how you were to blame, but the fault, oh the fault, the fault was in my stars.

I was lost, I was lost, Cinder, I was lost. Anger and despair consumed me, and you know what happens then. I was suffering and too absorbed in myself that I couldn't help you, that I couldn't care for you. You were the light waiting to shine in my darkness, but never did myself let you. Too busy I was, too busy counting the stars that wouldn't gleam and missing out on the ones that did. I hope you understand, I really, really do, but if you don't, I am at no means to count it against you. I didn't love you enough; heck, I didn't love you at all. Maybe that's how it was, perhaps that's the shade of love I painted. Shame I only realized such now.

Sometimes I'm angry, yeah, sometimes I wanna smash something into a thousand pieces, the same way I am. The pain hurts even though I don't show it, and sometimes my stupid mind still likes to think that nothing is my own happening. And many times I look back on things and ask myself, Why'd I do that?. I slap myself across the cheek and rack my mind for the answers to questions that perhaps won't ever be answered. Why did I hate you when I needed your love the most? Oh Cinder, why did I give up when you were right by my side?

I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Three words hurt more than anything someone could do to me, drill harder than a torture device could ever hope of drilling. I didn't think so before, back when I was lost, back when I thought no one was there for me, but... but I love you. I need you. I want you back.

If only every thing went back to those earlier days, those days in which we were so happy even if the darkness threatened to drown us. That was before I gave up, before I denied hope, before I started accusing you of being the Mightyena, stopping me from getting to my 'ole grandma's house.

Then, I could run my fingers through your fur. I could hug you tightly and whisper in your ear that it was alright, that we'd always be together and that we would get through hardships. I remember how your fire flared but I could stick my hand right through the flames and it wouldn't hurt, yeah, it wouldn't hurt. And I'd brag to everyone about how you were mine. Shame on me for changing that. Shame, shame on me.

I'm serious, Cinder. If you'd just give me another chance, if you just put one more gram of trust into your heart, I'll change things. I'll make things better. I'll be your friend. I'll love you. Please, please be my Pokemon again.

I can wish, but I know I'm not a fairytale princess and my ending, my unhappy ending, has already happened. But who says we can't write another page? Who says that was the conclusion? To me, it was just a cliffhanger. Something to keep readers on the edge of their seats. But our story might not be done yet. If... if you join me, we can write ourselves a happy ending.

. . .

It hurts. Everything stings, everything burns. They say the cream will heal my agony, but it only makes me worse. With every dab of ointment my mind traces your face, your scary, scary face. I can hear the way you scream at me, the way you tell me I'm doing it all wrong, that I'm stupid, that I'm worthless. I feel like I'm Maypunzel, trapped high in a cold stone tower, except in my case, Drewinn isn't going to ask me to let down my hair. I won't be saved. Wounds have already been given, lasting, lasting wounds that'll never heal.

I wish things had been different. I wish I didn't have to tell myself to stay strong, to insist that I'm alright, to hold in everything that wants to spill out. If only I lived a fairytale, if only things hadn't been real, because then this pain wouldn't exist. I would've had a happy ending. I would've been loved.

That's all I want. To be loved.

I want to smile again. I want to feel safe, I want to feel warm, I want someone who'll hug my closely and share my hurt, my joy. I don't want to have to learn how to be strong again, how to have something to use in self-defense in case someone like Caitlynn comes back into my life. I need someone to truly care for me, someone who'll die for me, someone I'll give my life for, someone who'll love me unconditionally.

Give me a pen, please. And some paper; paper, too. I desire to write another page, just one more parchment for someone to flip to. Maybe a "p.s., the story isn't over yet," or just something, something that'll give me hope, something that'll be better than the ending I already had. And I don't want to, I don't want to have Caitlynn, but at this point I'm desperate; I just need someone, someone who'll write in big, bold letters, "I'll love you again."

I'm waiting. If you'd just give me one more chance, if you'd just look into me a little closer, you'll see that I'm ready to love. I'm ready to be the best Pokemon I can be. Just listen, just listen to me, because you can't ever admire a rose's beauty without opening your eyes to look at it. I'm the same way, the same way, the same way. Cinder the Cyndaquil's the same way.

Please, someone please love me again.

. . .

Sunday, February 14. Today's the day I'm going to do it. Today's the day I will see you. I won't hurt you, I won't harm you; I just want to see you. If all goes well, we'll both be loved, and I'll finally be living a miracle like all the other princesses.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen. But I need to make things right again. I need to let myself feel again. I need you to be my heart again.

And so I walk down the boulevard, watching the colorful cars stream down the street and feeling the cold rain seeth its way into my skin. I stare up into the night sky, my eyes watching the stars. I look at the ones that are shining, gleaming so bright, and in my mind, I count them. The dark ones aren't visible to me, I can't see them, I won't see them.

One. Two. Three. Four.

I tell myself to count, to just keep acknowledging everything I have. Caitlynn, Caitlynn count, count the stars you missed the last time.

Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

I'm almost there, almost at the clinic where the news said you were at. My nerves are flying, my throat is gulping, but my heart, oh my heart, it's resting peacefully.

Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

At the door. Open it, Caitlynn. You have nothing to fear.

I step inside. The stars disappear, but I know they're with me. I keep tallying.

Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen.

I see a nurse at the clinic counter. He asks me my name, I answer. He inquires why I'm here, why I'm here at such a late hour, what a little girl is doing out all alone. He smiles but I don't smile back, only answer, only answer. I'm here to see you, I say, I'm here to see you.

He frowns, quite curious. He tells me that you're sleeping, that you needs your rest. My heart drops, but I pull it back up. Please, I plead, please, please, please. I need to make things right. I need to see you. I need to love you. He informs me that he's sorry, but your rest is crucial and you need to get better. He asks me if I want you to get better. Don't I want you to get better?

Please, I say again. This is the most important moment of my life. I need to live this over or I'll never be happy again. I'm desperate, so desperate, so very desperate.

The nurse finally gives in and leads me toward a small room where I see you sleeping. I forget all about counting stars, though I know you won't mind at all.

I feel so stupid, so incredibly stupid. I was dumb, idiotic, inconsiderate, ignorant. Everything about you, the Cyndaquil that used to be my Pokemon, my friend, is perfect. I love your flames, your face, everything you do, everything you'll do. I'm sorry for being the way I was before. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

The nurse steps back to give me some room. I walk closer to you, closer, closer, closer, until I'm right next to your figure. I tenderly reach out my hand to wake you up, but my mind hesitates. One has to give before they get, I tell myself. Send your love and you, my Pokemon, will send yours back. If I give you the pen, I convince myself, you'll write the happy ending.

Cinder, I whisper and lay my hand on you.

You wake up almost immediately, your deep eyes searching for other orbs to look at. You catch mine and draw away from me, your body tense. I watch as your eyes flare with anger, ripple with fear, twist with agony and hurt and memories and actions I don't ever want to recall.

I'm sorry, I say soothingly, I'm sorry for everything. I'm ready to be your friend again. Will you be my friend again?

You don't answer me, just look at me as if I'm lost, as if I'm paranoid. You don't believe this is happening? I don't either. But I need it to happen. You need it to happen. We need each other.

I'm sorry for beating you, I tell you. I shouldn't have done the things I did. I was evil. You were there for me and I didn't even realize it. I blamed all my problems and happenings on you when it was my fault after all. I told you that the darkness I went through was your fault, but it was mine. You were trying to be the light in my night, and now, I'm ready to be yours. Please, please. Let's love each other again.

You move closer.

Let's write another page, I murmur, and then it occurs to me that I'm crying, that I'm crying, that I'm finally crying for the first time in four years. I smile, and then it's the first time I've smiled since year twelve. I'm feeling, I'm feeling, I'm feeling. I am broken but being built again. I'm falling but being lifted up again.

You crawl into my arms. I cry harder and hold you tightly, hold you tightly, hold you tightly. I am never going to let go.

I love you, I whisper, I love you, I love you, I love you.

And by the way your flames light up, the way they flare but don't burn me, don't burn me, don't burn me, I know you love me too.

Our fairytale is finally complete.

. . .

I hope you enjoyed this one-shot/early Valentine's-Day-Special-thing! Any type of feedback is welcome, especially constructive criticism! Should I enter this in the 2016 Pokemon Watty Awards? I'd like your input!

Any support on this one-shot is highly appreciated! Thank you <3.

(STUNNING cover in the media by -Asterisk-! Thanks so much!!! <33)

(cover attached at the bottom by the wonderful Azul-Gale~ THANK YOUUUUU~)

xoxo,

sabia