If not for Ate Jenny's nagging, hindi naman talaga ako a-attend sa kasal ni Cristine. After what happened to the group chat? No, thanks, 'no! Alam ko naman na kasalanan ko... but I thought they were my friends. Tatlong taon kaming magkakasama sa isang organization. I expected better from them. Kung gusto man sana nila akong sisihin at ipamukha na sobrang tanga ko dahil sa ginawa kong pang-iiwan kay Benny, sana gawin nila sa harap ko mismo. I'd rather them do it straight to my face kaysa iyong pinagchi-chismisan nila ako. Parang hindi kami naging magkakaibigan.

"Sigurado ka, 'te? As in sure na sure na? 100%? Walang atrasan na itechibells?" tanong sa akin ni Venice. Tinawagan ko kasi siya para manghiram ng isusuot ko sana sa kasal ni Cristine. May color requirement kasi, e, unfortunately, wala akong dress na ganoon ang kulay.

"Nakapagsabi na ako na pupunta ako..."

"P'wede namang bigla kang nagkasakit sa araw ng kasal!"

"Tss. Halata naman na umiiwas ako," I replied. Nasabi ko na rin kasi kay Venice iyong nangyari. I felt good pouring out my problems. Kahit naman on a daily basis yatang pinapaalala ni Venice na tanga ako para iwan si Benny, at least open minded naman siya. She listened to my reasons and told me I had a reason to be scared. Hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao, magtatatalon sa tuwa kapag inalok ng kasal.

"E umiiwas ka naman talaga! Ewan ko ba sa 'yo. Kung sa akin ginawa 'yon? Naku, FO na! Tegi na sila sa akin for life!"

Hindi pala kasi nila alam na member ako n'ong group chat kaya ganoon sila makapag-usap about sa amin ni Benny. But that wasn't the point naman. Ang point, they were backstabbing me. Kaya kahit na nag-sorry sila sa akin, ewan ko... Parang may nag-iba na sa relasyon namin ng mga orgmates ko.

Words are powerful. Kahit mag-sorry, kapag nasabi na, wala ka nang magagawa.

"Sige, ha. Daanan ko na lang bukas 'yong damit. Salamat talaga," I said and then ended the call. Goodness. I didn't even know why I was doing this to myself. Tama naman si Venice. I could've said no. Madali lang naman sabihin na may gagawin ako... o kung anumang walang kwentang dahilan para hindi ako umattend sa kasal ni Cristine. But why was I doing this?

'Kasi gusto mong makita si Benny,' a voice inside me whispered.

E ano naman kung gusto kong makita? It had been months!

'Kasi curious ka sa ka-date niya,' sabi na naman ng epal kong konsensya.

So? Ano naman kung curious ako? Lahat naman siguro ng babae, curious sa ipapalit sa kanila ng ex nila! Hindi naman siguro ako ang ganito lang! S'yempre kahit na ano ang mangyari, curious ka... kung mas maganda ba, mas matalino ba... or mas pa sa ibang aspeto. Natural lang naman 'to!

Kung ano-anong imahe n'ong ka-date ni Benny ang nabuo sa isip ko. Lahat sila maganda. Lahat sila matalino. Lahat sila mas bagay nang sobra kay Benny para sa akin. Kaya pagkagising ko, mukha akong panda sa sobrang laki ng eye bags ko.

"Girl, ganyan kang pupunta sa kasal kung saan makikita mo ang ex mo na mahal mo pa rin?" bungad sa akin ni Venice nang pagbuksan niya ako ng pinto ng apartment niya.

"Good morning din," sabi ko. "Okay naman ang itsura ko."

Nag-effort naman akong maglagay ng concealer para hindi ako mukhang panda masyado. Nag-conditioner din ako para hindi naman mukhang tingting ang buhok ko. At nag-lipstick pa ako!

"'Te, hindi ganyan ang itsura kapag magkikita ng ex for the very first time. Dapat pak na pak ang arrive! Kabog!" sabi niya at saka hinatak ako papasok sa apartment niya. I didn't even fight back. Wala na talaga akong energy. Nanghihina ako every time na iniisip ko kung gaano ka-mas sa akin iyong ka-date ni Benny. Goodness. Paano kung ayain niya rin iyong magpakasal? Paano kung hindi tanga iyong babae at um-oo?

"Tingin ka sa taas para 'di ka masyadong maiyak sa eyeliner," sabi ni Venice. I pretended that I was teary because of what she was doing and not because the thought of Benny being married to someone else was clenching my heart.

If I said yes, ano na kaya kami ngayon? Sigurado ako na masaya pa rin kami kasi palagi naman kaming masaya ni Benny. He made sure that I was always happy. My happiness was his priority. Mas gusto niya na masaya ako, never mind his own happiness. Ganoon kasi magmahal 'yon, e. Binibigay lahat. Walang tinitira sa sarili niya.

"'Te, hindi ko naman sinundot 'yang mata mo. OA umiyak!"

Kinuha ko iyong inabot niya na tissue at marahan na pinunasan iyong mata ko. "Hindi kasi ako sanay." Na may ibang mahal si Benny bukod sa akin.

"Okay lang 'yan. At least kapag nakita si ex, hindi ka mukhang nawawalang miyembro ng ISIS."

Saglit akong napatawa dahil sa sinabi niya. Nilagyan niya ako ng nude na lipstick. I was thankful to have a friend like Venice. Kung tutuusin, sandali pa lang naman kaming magkakilala dahil sa work ko lang naman siya nakilala. Pero ganoon siguro talaga. Hindi sa tagal ng pagkakaibigan nasusukat ang depth. Iyong mga matagal mo ng kakilala, sila pa iyong mas walang tiwala sa 'yo... Sila pa iyong unang magda-doubt sa 'yo.

"Basta, Nari, kapag nakita mo iyong si Benny, 'wag kang iiyak," she said as she continued to apply coats of lipstick on my lips. "Cool ka lang, girl. Smile at him. Kung may ka-date, mag-smile ka rin sa ka-date niya."

I gently dabbed my lips together. "Paano kung gusto ko siyang kausapin?"

"E 'di, kausapin mo. Ask him. Kapag ayaw kang kausap, e 'di kiber. Ganoon talaga."

"Hindi ko pipilitin?"

She shook her head. "'Te, gets ko na scaredsung ang peg mo no'ng nag-propose si ex. Gets ko. Pero kung ayaw ka niyang kausapin dahil sa ginawa mo, i-gets mo rin sana. May feelings din 'yong si ex mo. For sure nasaktan 'yon sa rejection na ginawa mo—at triple pa siguro since kumalat pala sa mga friendships n'yo na ni-reject mo siya. Durog na durog 'yon, beshy. Kaya give him whatever he needed to heal."

"Gusto ko lang naman mag-sorry..."

"Pero, Nari, walang magagawa ang sorry mo. Nag-sorry ka na dati, 'di ba?"

I nodded. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong nag-sorry kay Benny. All my sorry was replied with it's okay. But we both knew it was a lie. We weren't the same after that. He promised we'd stay as friends... Kalokohan. He ignored me. He pretended like I didn't exist in his world. And I couldn't blame him for that... but he couldn't blame me for feeling this way, too. Masakit, e.

"Sinaktan mo. If he acts hostile around you, intindihin mo na lang. Lahat naman ng nasasaktan, nagiging asshole kahit papaano. After all, we have different ways to deal with pain. Ngayon, kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin sa buhay niya, hayaan mo. Kasi no'ng tinanggihan mo siya, tinanggihan mo rin 'yong karapatan mo sa buhay niya."

I smiled and thanked her. But if Benny did all the things she said, I knew I wouldn't get hurt. I would get crushed.

***

I didn't even bother to attend the wedding ceremony. Dumiretso ako sa reception. Nando'n ako sa isang gilid—malayo sa lahat ng kakilala ko. Goodness. Why was I even here? Masokista nga siguro ako. Kasi kahit alam ko naman na lahat sila ay nasa side ni Benny, pumunta pa rin ako.

"Benny!"

Automatic na pumunta ang tingin ko sa pinanggalingan ng boses. And there he was...

"Gosh! You're here nga! Akala namin, nagtatago ka!" sabi nila sa kanya. He was smiling at them. Na parang walang problema. Na parang walang nangyari.

"Hindi naman," he replied with the same gentle smile on his face. "Medyo late na pala ako."

"Okay lang, 'no! Dito na rin kami sa reception dumiretso!" And then they all turned their gaze at the woman beside Benny. "So... papakilala mo ba kami?"

Benny smiled and then placed his hand on his nape. Ginagawa niya iyon kapag nahihiya siya. Was he shy to introduce his new girl? Bakit naman? Maganda iyong kasama niyang babae. Brown iyong buhok na hanggang balikat. Maamo ang maliit na mukha. Mukhang matalino. Mukhang bagay sila.

Agad kong inabot iyong dala n'ong waiter na champagne. This really was a freaking bad idea.

"Dri, my college orgmates. Guys, si Drianna, family friend."

And they teased them. Benny was just smiling timidly habang iyong Drianna, pulang-pula na iyong mukha. Alam kaya nila na nandito ako? Kasi kung alam nila, did they hate me that much para tuksuhin si Benny sa ibang babae? Kasi nando'n sila, e. They saw all those years I spent with Benny. They saw our ups and downs. They saw us fight for our love. And I knew I made a mistake... but did they really need to do this in front of me?

Na parang bigla na lang akong nawalan ng karapatang masaktan?

Maybe I deserved this. But it still hurt so fucking bad.

I lost count of the champagne I drank. Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of love but all I could feel was pain in my stupid, stupid heart. Hindi na dapat ako pumunta. I should've stayed at home and wallowed on my own.

Tumayo ako para maghanap ng CR. I drank too much. My vision was starting to get real blurry.

"Are you okay?"

I stilled when I heard his voice.

"Yeah... Nakakapagod lang but I'm okay."

"You sure? Maiintindihan naman nila kung aalis na tayo."

"I'm fine, Benny. Besides, I enjoy talking to your friends. They seem fun."

Why was I even here? Why was I even listening to them talk? Hindi pa ba sapat iyong nararamdaman ko? Must I add salt to the already open wound?

"Okay. But if you want to go home, sabihin mo lang sa akin."

"Yes po, Benny."

"Kulit mo talaga, Dri."

I bit my lower lip. Pinunasan ko iyong luha na tumakas sa mga mata ko. I turned and faced them. Benny seemed stunned. His lips parted upon seeing my face.

What was he feeling? Did he long for me, too? Did he cry for us, too? Did he regret our parting like I did? I wanted to ask him all these questions but I couldn't even voice out how sorry I was for everything.

I couldn't even tell him that I wanted to be the one by his side. That I wanted to be the reason for his smiles. That I wanted to be the center of his attention.

I hated seeing him with someone else. Ako dapat 'yon. Sa 'kin dapat siya.

"Hi," I said. "Can we talk?"

Seconds passed. Hindi siya nakasagot.

"Kahit five minutes lang..." I croaked. I just wanted to be with him. Kahit sandali lang.

"I'll... just leave," Drianna said. She looked at me. "Nice meeting you," she said and then excused herself.

I looked at her as she was leaving. Why was she nice? Couldn't she be vengeful? Bitchy? Couldn't she give me more reasons to hate her aside from the fact that she replaced me in Benny's life?

"What do you want?" he asked. Mas bumilis lang iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. This wasn't how he used to talk to me. He had always been sweet. But I couldn't sense any of that anymore. He couldn't even look at me the same way he did.

"K-kumusta ka na?"

"I'm fine," he replied. "May sasabihin ka ba?"

Alam ko naman na dapat lang lahat ng natatanggap ko mula sa kanya. I asked for this. I rejected him. But this hurt so bad... Hearing him talk to me like this was ripping my heart. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

"Is she..." I trailed. I couldn't even compose the right words. I was afraid of the answer. I was afraid to hear that I had been replaced. Because I still wanted my place in his life. That was mine. I took care of that place for years... I didn't want to be replaced and forgotten. "Your girlfriend?"

The word tasted so bitter in my mouth. Girlfriend na ba siya ni Benny?

He shook his head. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

"But that doesn't concern you anymore, Nari."

"Benny naman..."

I tried to hold on to him but he peeled me off of him. Akala ko masakit na. May mas masakit pa pala. Kasi dati, gusto niya kapag hinahawakan ko siya. Pero ngayon, parang diring-diri siya na malapit ako sa kanya.

"Iniwan mo ako, Nari. 'Di ba gusto mo 'to? Bakit ka umiiyak ngayon?"

Tuluy-tuloy lang iyong agos ng luha ko. Walang pagtigil. Ayokong tumigil. Baka kasi mapansin niya na nasasaktan din ako.

"Natakot lang naman ako..." I croaked.

"Did marrying me scare you that much? Did the thought of being my wife disgusted you that you lied about going out of the country?" he said, his jaw clenching. "You could've explained, Nari, maiintindihan ko naman. Pero tinakbuhan mo ako. You kept on saying sorry without explaining what you really feel. Your lack of explanation gave me the reason to explain your reason to myself. Inisip ko kung saan ba ako nagkulang, kung saan ba ako nagkamali. I thought about everything, Nari. You made me regret everything I did kasi akala ko, nagkamali ako. Because if I did everything right, then you wouldn't have left saying nothing."

He was calm. But his voice was laced with the pain I caused him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I didn't have the words to say. I didn't have the right words that would take away the pain I caused him.

He smiled. "Ayan ka na naman sa sorry mo," sabi niya at saka tinalikuran ako.

"Do you love her?" I asked. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear that he had already forgotten me. Baka kasi... baka kasi makatulong. Kasi nando'n pa rin ako. Kasi hindi pa rin ako nakaaandar. At pakiramdam ko, patuloy lang akong aasa na magiging maayos pa rin kami.

Kasi ilang buwan pa lang... ang bilis naman.

"No. But I want to," he replied. "Ang sakit mong mahalin, Nari."

***

I didn't know where I was. Ang alam ko lang, gusto kong umalis. My heart hurt so badly. Pakiramdam ko ay kinuha ni Benny iyong puso ko mula sa dibdib ko at saka niya dinurog. Masakit akong mahalin? Pakiramdam niya ba, siya lang ang nasasaktan? Hindi ba niya alam na mahal ko rin siya? Na hindi lang siya ang nasasaktan? Na kahit ako iyong may kasalanan, nakararamdam din naman ako ng sakit?

Was he regretting giving me his love? Ganoon na ba kami kababaw? Just because we got hurt, we didn't want the love we built all these years?

Hindi ko na alam. Ang sakit niya rin kasing mahalin.

All I know was that I wanted to drink. Sabi kasi nila, nakakalimutan daw ang problema kapag lasing. And I just wanted one night without these thoughts haunting me. I just wanted to free myself from him. Kahit isang gabi lang.

Naglakad ako hanggang sa makarating ako sa isang club. I was about to walk inside nang mabangga ako ng isang grupo ng mga lalaki.

"I'm so— Nari?"

My eyes were blurry from all the crying.

"Ha?"

"It's me, Benj," the guy said. I opened my eyes more. "Saw you again."

"Ah... oo nga," I merely replied. My spirit was its lowest. "Nandito ka rin pala."

He smiled. He's always smiling. Mabuti pa siya, palaging masaya. I missed that feeling. Paano nga ba maging masaya? It had been too long. Pakiramdam ko ay nalimutan ko na ang pakiramdam ng pagiging masaya.

"Yeah... Our team won so we're celebrating," he replied. "You? Meeting friends?"

Umiling ako. "I don't have friends."

"Sama ka na lang sa 'min," he offered.

"Ang bata n'yo pa." That was only a thought but I must've said it loudly. Natawa siya.

"Maybe, but we're fun. Tara, pakilala kita sa kanila," he said and then guided me inside. He must've known the owner of the place dahil diretso lang kaming naglakad papasok. I didn't give it too much thought. I just wanted to drink. I just wanted to drown myself para bukas, iyong sakit ng ulo na lang ang iisipin ko. That's better than wallowing in my own misery.

Pagpasok namin, ramdam ko ang taas ng enerhiya ng mga tao. College students. They're full of energy. Mauubos din 'yan kapag nakapagtapos kayo. By then, you'd face the world. You'd feel the pressure from everyone to prove yourselves. You'd be expected to figure everything out. Being an adult sucks.

"Bakit ang daming tao?" I couldn't help but ask. The place was packed.

"Overall champion 'yong school namin. Basketball team and soccer team are both here kaya maraming tao," he explained. "Also, 20th birthday celebration ni—" he said, but it seemed na 'di niya makita 'yong celebrant. Instead, huminto kami sa harap ng isang lamesa. "Guys, she'll be joining us," Benj said. "Nari, si Jackson, Parker, and Jasmine. Guys, si Nari."

"Hi," I politely said. The two guys just waved their hand, looking passive. Iyong babae ang nakangiti sa akin. They seemed okay. Mukha lang kaming magkaka-edad. Ganito na ba talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon? And they're freakishly tall!

"Si Preston?" Benj asked. Ayun na naman iyong pangalan na 'yon.

The guy, Jackson, shrugged. "Saw him talking to Austin earlier. Hindi ko lang alam ngayon."

All my thoughts were taken away from him as alcohol was served. The table was never empty. Tuwing mauubos na iyong laman ng bote, palaging may dumadating na bago. The people around me were talking but my attention was solely on the liquor. And my mission was to empty every bottle served.

And a few bottles of JD later, my mind was officially in haze.

"Who's this?"

"Nari."

"Nari who?"

"Gago, siya 'yong dinala mo sa condo ko!"

"Ha? Sino 'yon?"

I reached for another bottle. I couldn't even feel the taste of the alcohol anymore. Pati yata panlasa ko ay namanhid na sa sobrang sakit.

"Anyway, sa'n ka galing?"

"Talking to Austin. There's another race."

"Ah. E bakit nandito ka na ulit?"

"Dumating si Saint, e. Epal kaya n'on."

"Sabihin mo, irita ka lang kay Saint kasi alam mong may crush kay Imo."

"Tss. Bakit wala ng inumin? Inubos n'yo?"

Gosh. Bakit ang ingay nila? At wala na bang inumin?

"Hindi ka pa ba uminom do'n? Namumula na kaya 'yong mukha mo."

"Nah. I still want to drink."

"Badtrip ka na naman?"

"Shut up, mom."

"Fuck you, Preston. Bahala ka r'yan. Labas muna kami."

Silence reigned between the two of us... o dalawa lang ba kami? I wasn't sure. My sole attention was on my drinks. Masarap pala 'to? I never thought I could drink this much. Pakiramdam ko, busog na busog na ako sa rami ng iniinom ko.

"So... ikaw si Preston?" I asked as I downed another glass.

"Yeah. Ikaw si Nari?"

I nodded and then offered my hand but sa mukha niya tumama iyong mukha ko. I chuckled. "Oops."

"You're drunk," he said as he poured himself a glass.

"Yeah... I think I'm drunk," I replied and then giggled. "Preston..." I said, my words slurry. "Your names makes me hungry." Why was he named after a biscuit? Adik ba ang nanay niya?

"Baliw," he murmured.

"I heard that! Hindi ako baliw! Heartbroken lang ako!" I argued and then drank some more. "Lalaki ka, 'di ba?"

"I think so," he replied. I looked at him and I didn't know if it's because of the lights but he looked red. Or maybe he's as drunk as I was. Maybe this was better. Sabi kasi nila, drunk words are sober thoughts. And I just wanted some honest thoughts... Kung sa perspective ba ng lalaki, dapat na talaga akong kalimutan ni Benny. If I really crushed his ego enough for him to forget me and replace me.

Gusto ko lang marinig para mas masaktan ako. Baka kasi tigilan ko na talaga kapag sobrang sakit na.

"I have this friend..." I trailed.

"Sure, friend," he said and then downed a glass.

I ignored his sarcasm and continued. "Kung iniwan ka ba ng girlfriend mo kapag nag-propose ka, magagalit ka?"

He played with his glass for a while before answering. "Depends... Is there a reason?"

"Yeah, of course meron!" I said. "The girl's afraid. She's just twenty-one. She didn't want to get married yet."

"Did the guy say that they'd get married? There's this thing called long engagement," he said and then drank. Goodness. Was this night called the night of harsh truths?!

Inabot ko iyong bote at saka tinungga na. I couldn't feel the liquor anymore. It didn't taste disgusting anymore. I just welcomed the stupor I was feeling.

I tried to stand up para humanap ng iinumin nang matumba ako. And I didn't want to hear any more truths. I had enough for the night... Nang tumayo ako, I heard glass breaking but my eyes really couldn't focus on anything. Wala na talaga akong maintindihan. All I knew was that I wanted to drink some more.

"Sorry," I said, my words sounded slurry. I tried to reach for a napkin para punasan iyong pants niya.

"Holy sh—"

I continued wiping the wet part of his pants. I couldn't see clearly. Sobrang labo na ng mata ko tapos madilim pa... tapos hilong-hilo na talaga ako sa rami ng nainom ko. I didn't even dare to stand up again because I knew I'd just end up falling... Ganoon naman talaga palagi, 'di ba? Kapag akala mo kaya mo nang mag-isa, bigla na namang mahuhulog.

"It's not coming off..." I said as I stared. I pulled him up and brought him with me. The club was packed. I could feel gyrating bodies against my skin. Mas lalo lang akong nahilo dahil sa sikip.

"Saan mo ba ako dadalhin?" he asked as I continued to drag him. I didn't know, as well. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami papunta. All I knew was that I wanted some peace and quiet time. Naglakad kami nang naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa third floor. I opened the doors. I didn't even know why there were rooms here. "Ano bang hinahanap mo?"

"CR."

"And why are you bringing me with you?" he asked.

"I don't know..." We were holding hands. It felt nice. It had been too long since I held someone's hands. Goodness. Nami-miss ko na naman si Benny. Bigla akong napaupo at niyakap ang mga binti ko. "I miss you..." I said and tears began to fall. Tuloy-tuloy. Walang paghinto.

I felt Preston crouching beside me. "You're ugly when you cry."

"Ang gwapo mo, e," sabi ko. Napakalaitero talaga ng taong 'to. Nasaan ba si Benj? I needed him and his comforting words! Hindi ko alam kung bakit naiwan ako kasama itong Preston na 'to!

"You'll get over him," he said.

"Hindi. Forever na akong stuck. Tanggap ko naman."

"Walang forever. Makaka-move on ka rin," he said.

"What do you know? Bata ka pa," I said and then patted his head. He swatted my hand away. "Bastos na batang 'to. Igalang mo ako. Mas matanda ako sa 'yo," I said and then attempted to pat his head again.

"You may be older but you look stupid," he said. "And will you please stop crying?"

"Inaano ka ba ng luha ko?"

May inabot siya sa akin na panyo. "I'm tired of seeing people cry. It tires me. This is why I don't want to fall in love. Ayokong umiyak."

"Hindi ka pa nai-in love?" I asked him. Okay naman ang itsura niya. I mean, not bad... o dahil lang madilim dito sa club? Baka kapag maliwanag ay panget 'tong si Preston? But ano bang pakialam ko? As if naman magkikita pa kami pagkatapos ng gabing 'to.

"Nah," he said. Sabay kaming naupo sa sahig. We were both wasted. Our eyes were lazy. "People around me aren't exactly making falling in love seem fun."

"Bakit naman?" I asked. Even if Benny and I were hurting, I still wouldn't deny that the years I spent with him would arguably be the best years of my life. He made me really happy.

"My mom's still in love with her ex who's been dead for so long... then my sister's hopelessly in love with my best friend who's with someone else," he explained. "You see? I really don't want that for myself."

I tapped his shoulder. "Kawawa ka naman."

"Tss," he said and then inalis niya iyong kamay ko sa kanya. Ayaw niya talaga ng hinahawakan. Ang arte. "Let's just drink."

I wouldn't be surprised if we'd end up having alcohol poisoning because of everything we're drinking. We sat down and drank and drank until we're both really, really wasted. We talked about things that didn't even make sense. Actually, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang pinag-uusapan namin. But I remembered giggling a lot.

"If I'll fall in love again, sana hindi niya ako saktan..." I said and then hiccupped. "Kasi kapag nasaktan ulit ako, baka matakot na talaga akong ma-in love. Tapos baka maging nega na ako kagaya mo..." And then I hiccupped again.

"Stop your hiccup. It's annoying."

"It's not as if—" Another hiccup. "I can stop." And then another one.

"Just hold your breath and it'll stop," he said.

"Ha?" Another hiccup. And another one.

"Stop your hiccup."

"I'm trying to—"

But my hiccup finally stopped when I felt his lips on mine.