My fault. My fault. My fault.

The bang of Miles's door is muffled. As is his yell for Dal. And his footsteps when he jogs after me.

'Where're you going?'

I'm crying by now, though my tears are petrol and all they do is feed the fire that comprises me. Where am I going? Anywhere I can be reduced to cinder without taking everyone with me. A single match is harmless and I don't plan to light up the whole box.

'Leave me alone.'

'Sorry, no.'

I whirl around so abruptly that he walks into me.

'You're not listenin. This isn't some one-time footnote. There isn't a cure, I can't make it go away. You don't have any obligation to so you're not gonna deal with it, you're not gonna care. I won't let you.'

At first, Miles glances at his trainers and steps back, but when he looks up, there isn't a hint of submission in his body. 'Too late.'

I shove him. He stumbles.

Still, he refuses to leave, and my fingers curl in the air. They need something to strangle. Glee surges through as my own skin collects under the nails. I claw at my face, digging my palms into the hollows of my cheeks.

Sonia's upset because of me, did I make her cry? Now everybody knows Miles is gay and it's my fault. I keep stringing him along with my one hook. He's bleeding into the ocean. That's my fault. He cares about me and it's going to hurt him and it's my fault.

I've ruined Baba's day, again. And Iya's night, again. What time is it? They should be asleep. Or at work. Or doing something they like. But instead, they spend all their time worrying which is my fault. What if Dal got into an accident speeding? That would be my fault. He'd be dead. My fault. What would happen to his mum? Or his sisters? Would they die? My fault. And if we were in the car, Miles too. Dead. My fault. And what about his mum and his sister? My fault.

Me. Dead. My fault.

Sweat runs down my right temple. Except it's not sweat, but blood I dig out from the bruises with my fingernails. Good.

Dal takes a step forward as if taming a feral cat. A housepet, not an escaped zoo animal. 'Ziri, you're hurtin yourself.'

'No, I'm not! I can't feel it. I don't feel anythin. Nothin's real. I'm not real. I'm pretty sure I could just shoot myself and nothin would happen.' On cue, I bolt toward the car.

Miles lurches back and stumbles but Dal catches me. It doesn't matter how much I worm or shove, he barely has to strain himself to keep me pressed to his chest. I should start working out, this is pathetic.

'I'll show you. There's a gun in the glove compartment.'

Dal's breathing freezes. His head falls back as he pleads with the heavens. Then he holds me back by the shoulders and rebuilds a perfect composure as if he's been trained for these situations. 'You ain't gonna prove nobody nuttin–'

'Let go!'

The gun's probably not even real. Or I'm not real. And if both are, who cares? Everyone would be better off.

'–What you're gonna do is breathe. We're gonna breathe together. Please, Ziri. I'll count with you.'

Though I glare at him, insistent this won't work, I follow his lead. As much as I hate proving him right, sensation returns to my fingertips. My head is bloated to twice its size and it lolls on weak shoulders. Nausea turns the car park into a foam pit.

I collapse into him. My head is spinning, or maybe the world's spinning, or maybe they're both spinning in different directions. A hot flush threatens to melt my clothes off me, only to be followed by a cold one that racks me with shivers.

Though I hear Miles gasping for breath, I bury myself in Dal's chest. Miles is the last person I dare to look at now.

'I'm sorry.'

Dal hugs me tighter. He might say something but I can't distinguish a word over my own sobbing. The way he holds me, one hand gripping the back of my head and the other on my shoulders, almost crushing me, explains everything I need to know.

It could be hours before my sobbing eases into sniffles and hiccoughs and Dal pulls away from me, his expression suddenly taut. 'I am takin you home. Now.'

Though I know he's past the point of taking my opinion into consideration, I nod.