April 9, 2011

Dear Tyler,

I still remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. However, it's been years since we first met, and over those four and a half years, I've come to realize that you are and will only be my first love.

When we first met, I immediately liked you, even though you were taken, and I pushed those feelings to the back of my mind, thinking that you'd never like me—I'd never be pretty enough for you.

By the time tenth grade rolled around, I knew that I was finally pretty to you—that you liked me. I still remember our first date when you kissed me and I couldn't control my heartbeat or breathing. I felt like I was hyperventilating, I was so excited.

Time has passed, relationships come and gone, and throughout this whole time, I've still had feelings for you. There have been times where I doubted if they were true if they were still there. But I've always come back to the same conclusion—I've always had feelings for you.

We were always more than just friends, even when we were dating other people and we would flirt with each other through texts late into the night. But now that I look back upon those sleepless nights spent together, I see them as regrets.

Were we cheating with our former relationships or was it just harmless fun? I still don't have an answer to that question, and I doubt I ever will. I wish they weren't regrets, but they will stand as they may.

The months where we wouldn't talk, where we wouldn't look at each other in the school halls, where we wouldn't talk about each other to friends, those months were the hardest for me. Then something would happen in our lives and we would be drawn to each other once again like a tightly stretched rubber band being released.

Once you would talk to me, I'd feel the rush of emotions all over again like the first time we kissed. Or when I would attempt to talk to you, anxious and worried that you wouldn't reply, then once you would, the emotions would snap right back.

They always come back. No matter how much time has passed without them, or the silent conversations we've had. They always come back. Those damn emotions. I doubt they'll ever leave, even when I'm married and have a family, you'll come back into my life along with those emotions.

The emotions of a first love. I always thought Cody was my first love, the one who gave me my first broken heart, but now I really doubt it. We never did anything more than kiss once and talk innocently to each other.

You and I, however, haven't been so innocent together, and I cherish those moments, even if it would make my parents' eyes pop out of their sockets. Because you and I felt something more, more than I could ever describe into words.

Whenever you were feeling down, you would text me out of the blue, coming to me for relief and comfort. And I took pride in it. It made me feel as if I was the only one in your life that could make you happy again—the only one that you would ever need.

And I still take pride in it, even if we haven't talked since January of our senior year. Last month, I went to my best friend Garrett's bonfire party hoping you would come. Everyone said you would. When you finally did arrive at the party, I was so excited! I couldn't wait to talk to you.

I even wore a thong that night, believing that I would lose my virginity to you... But you ignored me.

You only said hi to me then did your own thing. When I left the party, I hugged you goodbye, hoping I would feel something. Anything.

I don't quite remember if I ever felt something other than the feeling of goodbye, goodbye forever. Goodbye to my first true love.

You don't know how many times I've thought of losing my virginity to you. How many times I've prepared myself when we went on dates and ended up just fooling around, too chicken to do anything.

But you know what? I'm glad I was too chicken. I was too young to do anything as drastic as that with a boy like you. Even now, at seventeen, I'm glad I didn't do anything with you. But if I were to do something as personal and intimate like that in high school, I would have still picked you.

You and only you.

I know you'll never read this letter. You'd probably freak out. But deep down I know you'd feel some sort of positive emotion that you had such an effect on me. You just wouldn't show it to the world.

That's just how you are. Silent and mysterious when it came to your feelings.

That's why I always felt proud and important when you decided to share them with me. I was someone to you then, someone that you could trust with your feelings, your most intimate thoughts.

When you texted me last January, expressing your feelings to me about how you're angry all the time now, you're always yelling at your family, you're being so mean, and you don't know why, I was so happy. Not happy that you were feeling that way, but happy that you decided to share this with me. Like I was the only person you wanted to confide in.

But now that I think about it, I feel as if I'm your second choice. After I comforted you, you said you wanted to see me, so we went to the movies and did intimate physical things to each other. And I absolutely loved it... But I feel like that was your ulterior motive when confiding in me.

You only wanted sex, or things close to it, and I was always the second person who came to your mind. Not the first. I was your rebound girl. Always there waiting for you, the girl who never says no to a date, the girl who throws herself at your feet.

And it's true. I'm desperate when it comes to you. I'm a desperate little whore when it comes to you. You and only you. No one else. You bring out the whore in me. You make me do things that I would never do with anyone else.

The sad thing is that I don't regret it. I've never regretted it since tenth grade when our little charades started. And I never will regret it. I love you, Tyler. You and only you.

You will always have a special place in my heart, and it hurts me to say this but it's over between us. I can't be your second choice anymore. I can't be the girl who throws herself at you the first chance you give her. I can't be your rebound girl.

I can't be that girl anymore. Not to you and only you. Not to anyone. I'm sorry, Tyler.

I guess this is just the easiest way to end things between us since we'll be graduating high school in ten weeks. And in eighteen weeks, we'll be off to our own colleges. You at yours, me at mine.

Come this fall, we'll be four and a half hours away from each other. That's far away. We'll never see each other again after high school. It's just how it goes. That's just how life is.

And it sickens me to my stomach that it has to end this way. I've had you since the end of eighth grade. I was thirteen and you were already fourteen when we first met. Now your eighteen and I'll be eighteen in the fall. We're adults now, living our own lives.

I have to let go of my high school life. My childhood. My first love. You and only you.

I've never really known all your feelings. Ever. Only bits and pieces of it whenever you'd given me the privilege to listen. Yes, it's always been a privilege with you. That's how it is with you and only you.

You've only said you've loved me once. Once and only once. It could have always been in my head; who knows with you? No one ever knows with you. That's one of the reasons why I was so infatuated with you.

You're mysterious, seductive, funny, cute, sweet, and kind. You have the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. You have a great body. You know how to make a girl feel wanted in every which way possible.

You're also manipulative, I know you are, and I was helpless when it came to you. You and only you.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me in high school.

You're the boy who changed my life forever. You're my escape, and I know I'm yours too. Because you're you and I'm me, we were definitely meant to be.

I've dreamt about you so many times, it's not even surprising anymore. You and only you will ever have this effect on me. You're my first true love. And you will always be my first.

I wonder at night what it'll be like when we meet again in the future... if we will meet again. Will you be married and have children? Will I be jealous of your gorgeous wife and your gorgeous children? Will I be married and have children? Or will it be before that, when we're still searching for our spouses that are somewhere out there? Will you be my spouse? The man I love forever? The father of my children? I'll never know. Only time will tell.

Or will I really never see or hear from you again? Will high school be the last time we talk? The last time we see each other? The last time we think of each other? I really hope not.

It kills me to say this, but goodbye, Tyler. Goodbye until we meet again. I really hope it's not forever.

Your First True Love,

Jennifer