Chapter Seven.

"Who am I?"

Warning: profanity may be used, and self-harm mentioned.

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Taehyung's POV

Getting back freshly from my shower, I walked in my room only to be met with dark brown eyes that had mixed emotions. Too many for me to count.

"Why were you- um - throwing up? Are you s-sick?" He asked timidly, obviously trying not to overstep his boundaries of what's allowed and not, even though he has a pretty good idea of why I threw up. But all the while, his voice remaining calm but stern even with the stutters. I didn't even know that was possible.

But then the question comes prudging in without announcement, replaying over and over again making my headache a migraine. I clutch my head, am I sick? Physically, probably. But, mentally... am I?

My face scrunched at the word sick. Am I sick?

I don't want to respond, I can't bring myself to, but I have to if I don't want him pressuring or questioning me anymore.

I count to three, un-clutch my head, straighten out my back, look at him and laugh.

"Haha, nah. I'm good, don't worry too much," I said plastering a grin that spreads across my face. It probably looks sinister, my teeth barely showing, eyes curled up, not in genuine happiness. It's who I'm pretending to be, who I lost.

"Tae, are you sure?" He asked, persistence consuming his voice, concern and sincerity driving his words. The nickname, sending butterflies in my stomach... but why? Nervousness? Must be.

The question popped back up in my head, why does this keep happening to me? But no, I'm not sure.

"Haha, yeah," I laughed, cringing at how forced it sounded. The noise made the fetid smell of throw up that resonated at the back of my throat make it's appearance known on my breath, the effect of not brushing my teeth after or before my shower.

The younger directed a glare towards me, telling me that he's not messing around.

I gave a glare back while whispering, "Accept my memeyness~"

The younger rolled his eyes.

"Do you even have a life?" Jungkook asked.

My eyes grew darker by the second, as an effect of the question... something that the younger didn't notice as he continued with his bombardment of his questions.

"I mean, do you have anything better to do? What about family, huh? Haven't they ever taught you to not avoid questions?"

Jungkook made a mistake.

A huge one.

My eyes grew darker than anyone has ever seen before when I heard the word 'family.'

All humor that were once in my eyes are now gone, and replaced by a stone cold look, eyes devoid of the emotions that were portrayed moments ago, but what now feels like years. The atmosphere darkened, and seemed to vacuum up all the oxygen available. Jungkook, holding his breath at the sudden weight that had found it's way upon his shoulders.

Jungkook notices this too. That's when he knows he made a mistake.

I shook my head and looked away with a pleading look as I make my way over to the bed and sit down, sadness completely overcome me.

A look that's pleading Jungkook not to go there, but Jungkook doesn't get that message.

Heck. When does he get those messages? He never could read people easily. Maybe he should learn this trait, it would be helpful in these situations where everything changes in .02 seconds.

Jungkook slowly makes way over to me from the corner of the room where he was once standing, cutting through the tense atmosphere to get to me. He walks as if he's walking on eggs, trying not to crack them.

He slowly sits down next to me, as if he's afraid of shattering me, afraid of setting off a bomb of tears. Or maybe even unknown emotions, well there at least unknown to me.

Jungkook as gentle as ever, puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes, as a reassurance that everything will be fine.

I feel like crying. The sudden emotion is a shatter compared to Jungkook's actions.

I take a deep breath before saying, "I don't have anything like that."

Then, just then, I cried in front of someone. This is something that I forbid myself to do, but I just couldn't help it as the tears that I've been keeping inside for God knows how long, just pools out.

I forbid myself but I feel like everything is going to change with Jungkook around. But somehow, this time I'm not complaining.

Jungkook's eyes widen as he panics on what to do.

The younger's head whips from side to side, hands shaking in the air while screaming, "SOMEONE HELP THIS CRIPPLED MAN, oh wait... JUNGKOOK HELP THIS CRIPPLED MAN."

Sure, it may be insensitive, but Jungkook has no idea on how to handle these situations. Of course, he didn't mean anything malicious by it, but it hurt that he didn't at least try. Weather it be sweet nothings or comforting silence filled with hugs and tears rolling down my face. That was all I wanted, but seeing him frantically whip his head around so hard that he could give himself whiplash and him screaming for help made me laugh.

I have no idea how he's feeling though.

"What is wrong with you," I say as I die from laughter and stop Jungkook's frantic hands and wrap them around my waist and rest my head on his shoulder.

Jungkook then freaks out even more and screams, "SYSTEM OVER-LOAD. I REPEAT. SYSTEM OVER-LOAD. GIVE THIS MAN SOME MILK," but nevertheless tightens his grip around me.

I sense an array of various emotions, but I can't quite pick out the emotions that match.

"I'm sorry... I don't even know why I told that to you... we're not even that close, heck! We've only known each other for about two days!" I laugh bitterly. Quite a contrast from the previous atmosphere of silent pain and regret, now filled with light laughs and fluttering butterflies. How quick a mood can change with no sense of reality from others; it's just the two of us.

Jungkook sighs, "Well what if I-I- never mind," he stopped himself and bit the inside of his cheek.

"What if you what?" I ask with my eyebrows knit together in confusion. My tone teasing him in a friendly manner, wishing to put all I said behind us by disguising it with laughs and hugs.

"Well what if I want to get to know you- as in friends of course, nothing else," Jungkook says and laughs nervously.

Disappointed. Why am I disappointed to hear him say that he wants to be friends?

I clear my thoughts and laugh nervously too.

"U-uh yeah, r-right, friends~," I say as I hide my face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent as if his scent was my drug and I am a drug addict that needed this to get me through my day. As if his scent was my oxygen that I wouldn't be able to get back before I drew my last, ragged breath from oxygen deprivation. What a strange comparison of the situation, huh? Sometimes I wonder where my mind goes, sometimes I wonder if it was ever there at all.

"So uh, since I want to get to know you and all, you know that you can talk to me about it right? But I'm not going to pressure you or anything," Jungkook said taking me out of my thoughts once again.

"Yeah... if we're gonna be friends, then I most likely need to tell you..."

I take a deep breath as I tell him, but make sure that I don't go into deep detail about my past.

"I-I have an eating d-disorder. It's called A-Anorexia. I don't want to talk about it right now, please don't make me," I said with my head hanging low in fear of him rejecting me. Kicking me out. Abandoning me.

Don't leave me, please. Don't kick me out. I'll get prettier, I'll change, just don't leave me alone. Please. I don't want to be left again.

"Oh," Jungkook said, struggling for words. His brain fumbling over his morals and facts. Everything becoming clear. Why I didn't want to eat. Why I "wasn't hungry." Why I threw up. Why I passed out. It all makes sense now.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to. I'm always here if you want to talk about it, though," he said as he placed his hand on my shoulder and rubbed soothing circles on it. Speaking slowly.

"T-hank you," I chocked out through a raspy voice, trying to hold back my tears. My eyes glassed over and gave them a shine of sadness and joy. The two mixing together on my dark brown eyes, creating a caramel color.

My tears held the joy of being accepted, and the sadness of the fact that I knew, Jungkook will never- could never- look at me the same way. Not with shining eyes, the light dimming at the knowledge of my broken state. The acknowledgment that I wasn't okay will cloud that light, choke out that light that I found so endearing. I probably screwed it all up.

A fat tear rolled down my cheek, reminding me of how sensitive I am. How fragile I am.

"D-don't l—eave," I chocked out as I let the dam I built up to keep my tears away to come down, the water came crashing in as I leaned against Jungkook and sobbed.

My eyes were red and swollen, showing me how broken I really am. The swollen eyes that are clouded and foggy from the intense wailing, stare down at the ground. The feeling of sadness has subsided, all that remains is the feeling of numbness.

My ears ring and my eyes glare at the floor. The feeling of nothing sets its place in my heart. The feeling of gray. The feeling of nothing, of serene peace that I have longed for. It's eerie to feel nothing, but comforting after awhile.

Maybe being numb is better than feeling anything at all.

My thoughts were interrupted by Jungkook unwrapping himself from me which earned him a pout and a whine.

The younger grabbed my hand and started to lead me to somewhere but stopped abruptly.

He turned around slowly and asked me, "I know you have Anorexia, but um.... you haven't eaten anything but uh... I won't make you eat... but I would like for you to try- Uh,"

"It's okay Kookie, if you want me to eat, then I'll do it," I cut him off by lying, giving a slight smile of comfort. The nickname sending butterflies into the younger's stomach.

Yeah, I'll eat... I'll just have to make sure to throw it up later, this time without him finding out. Just to make him feel better.

Jungkook gave a smile back before pulling me into the kitchen and sitting me down at the dinner table.

He went to the pantry and grabbed toast and peanut butter.

The younger put the peanut butter on a couple pieces of toast, put it on a plate, and sat the plate in front of me.

"I'm sorry that it's nothing special, I'm not very good at cooking s-so..." Jungkook said while rubbing the back of his neck, and looking anywhere but me.

"Hehe, it's alright Kook," the nickname, again, sending butterflies into the younger's stomach.

What a pity that I can feel again. I was hopeful that I could stay gray forever. Maybe emotions aren't all bad, but still, there's always bad emotions. Why can't we just have happiness? Some people say that if it was always happy, we would never develop a personality. But, if it was always happy, then why would we need an in-depth personality? You would always be cheery, so, why not? Some people just want excuses for their emotions, good or bad. Whether they blame it on school or others or themselves, how strange. Why do you feel the need to be sad? I would give anything to be happy all the time.

For now I can pretend. For now I can play along. Pretend.

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A/N OKAY. SO. YEAH THAT HAPPENED.

And hey, if you have any suggestions, tips and/or questions don't hesitate to tell me and/or ask me! I'm always willing to help :)