i have been through almost every cycle of this hell called life. it ended at adult. so i never got to be old or have a family, sure i had a wife but no grand kids or kid of my own. i lived to see a bullet. i lived to see blood, death. but feeling it was different. sure either way, its sad and traumatizing, but when you see someone die... the pain is ever lasting. dying, then pain last for a day or two.. or an hour, or a minute. if i could tell myself that i would get shot, i would have maybe have got shot anyway. cause everyone counts. and thinking of some way to get out of tat hell was either getting reported or dying. and dying had to be the most proud way of leaving, in my eyes. but, not purposefully. but to show i had a reason. a reason for my sad, shortened life span.

i needed Philip, Hamilton, someone. Philip had officially turned 3, lucky him. hopefully, he'll have a meaning for life. not saying he has to be in a war of any kind, just.. a meaning, if some sort. something meaningful, like lawyer, or even the president! no like some criminal or hoe. a couldn't think of anything like that for Philip. 

i then saw a small shining face look up at me, full of hope. i smile and bend down to his level. "hey buddy," i smile. "hi joh, joh-" i laugh and asked "are you trying to say my name?" still laughing. "it's J-O-H-N bud." i smiled. but he kept saying joh. i thought it was freaking adorable. Hamilton was in the other room talking to George, about... me. "it really is a tragedy.." George spoke sadly. "it really is, he was so... ambitious, grateful, caring, passionate! a friend.." Hamilton had a tear roll down him tired face. "mhm. its truly terrible that we lost him..." George replied sadly. 'They miss me... that much?' i thought sadly. Philip must had been waddling after my sorry butt and been the naive baby he was, "Papa, who are you talking about?" he asked, causing me to blush. 

"and old friend.." Hamilton replied with a weak smile, which i quickly took offense to. "uh, i am not old!" i accidentally blurted out. causing Philip to look at me then giggled. "joh is old!" he giggled causing Hamilton and Washington to give his son a questioning look. Alexander then took his son and laughed awkwardly while saying, "its time for Philip to take a nap, you tired buddy?" Hamilton joked to try to get Washington from become more comfortable. leading his son to his baby blue room. Hamilton then settled his son in his bed but Philip only grumbled. "what's wrong son?" Hamilton asked "im not tired papa, you can ask joh." he then cringed at his sons imagination. "umm..  i think you are, for now, try and get some rest...

oh does life go one...