Saihara's POV:

Who am I?

Who was I?

What purpose does my life have as a person who doesn't have a real past, someone who can't even remember the person they used to be, the people they loved or the hobbies they might have had. If my name is even my own.

I...I'm just confused, I have thousands of questions for the people who put me in here, who interviewed me, did they know? Did they know what would happen to me when I left the game? Lost and confused, or...or even worse...did they know...and still made me- no no one forced me I know that...but why didn't they try and convince me otherwise?

~-~-Two Years Before The Killing Game-~-~

The school was tall and seemed to leer over at me, laughing at me. It was a cold and dark place, no matter how many windows it might have, or what the gardening clubs and landscaping designer did to make it seem open and inviting it could not heal the corruption that laid inside of its halls. 

I should not talk like this, I am lucky to be able to attend a school like this. I am a dumb child, I am only here because my family has money, most children work very hard for good grades but don't get into schools like these.

I am an ungrateful brat.

That's all I am.

I walk up next to my locker, my shoes are wet again. 

It's ok.

I put on my shoes, I feel something hard and sharp on the inside, I take them off. There were thumbtacks on them again. I take them out and continue walking, ignoring the pain inside of my foot, clutching my scarf closer.

~-~-~-~

The walk home from school was long and quiet, my peers were chatting away on what they would do over the weekend, and I could see some of the athletic clubs gathering and heading out to start their exercise routines, it was cold and most kids were wearing their scarves, I included.

It was normal until I felt something getting thrown at my back. I turned around, and it was a rock, some boys behind me were laughing as they ran away.

I kept walking.

They hurt you if you are weak, if you are weak you must bow down to those who are strong because the weak can never be strong. That is the fact of life you must accept as punishment for being born weaker than those around you.

~-~-~-~

I walk into the kitchen, there were a few yen placed with a note directed for me. It told me I had to fend for myself again for dinner. I took it and grabbed my coat as I headed outside. 

It allowed me to afford half a cup of instant ramen.

I am grateful today that I was able to eat anything at all. Some people don't get to have food, most people don't get to have jobs to afford to feed themselves, most people don't get to have families who can leave them money for food.

I am very grateful once again today.

My food was cold today. It didn't matter how much hot water it had.

~-~-~-~

"Mom?" I called, the hallway was cold and quiet, it was late afternoon but all the lights were still off, "what?" she called, opening the door to her office, she looked annoyed, "I need help with my homework" I told her, "ask your Father" she told me, immediately heading to shut the door, "he told me to ask you though" I told her.

"Can't you see that I don't have time to waste on something like that? God Shuichi just go and ask someone else for help, or go to the library I don't want to be your Mom today alright? Don't ask me or your father again for help ok? It's your job in this family to be a good student, so do better" she scolded. I blinked.

She cursed, "look Shuichi, go on the internet or something ok? I can't help you I have a time-sensitive project to do right now understand?" she asked as if I was dumb. I nodded, "Well?" She asked annoyed, "thank you, ma'am, I would be lost without you ma'am" I quickly added, turning around.  she just shut the door on me. 

I walked down the hall.

~-~-~-~

The house was large, we were very well off and I was grateful for that. I know most people didn't get to grow up in these kinds of circumstances, with two parents at that. I was an only child, but that didn't bother me.

I wasn't lonely.

My grandfather was there to make sure I stayed on task since my parents couldn't raise me.

My grandfather was there for every single time I was a step behind and immediately have me correct the error and learn from my mistake.

My Father says he is a good man, that I'm just a spoiled child if I think of him as anyone else, he must be right, I'm just a stupid child.

I should be grateful for every single bandage and bruise I gain from my own mistakes, I have to take my punishments and be grateful for them every single day. I am thankful that I was disciplined as a child, most children could grow up to be disobedient brats, my grandfather saved me from that.

I must remember that with every scar.

I am grateful that my grandfather lived for long life.

I am grateful my grandfather didn't love me because love is a tedious thing to have and is not required. Love is a useless word created by fools around us, to want to justify the reckless passions they delve into.

This world is one where you must improve yourself no matter what consequences your mind tries to envision, be grateful for everything because you could have never been born in the first place, be grateful for those who took care of you when you were still an idiot. A young fool.

I am a useless child, I still cannot understand any of the lessons they have taught me.

I still wish I had never lived.