11/9/16
In the wake of a sh*tty day (see 'Long Day' in art book #4 if you want to read that), I realized why my OCD's been so rough.
I'm putting too much pressure on myself.
Looking back, I can see that the whole 'congrats-you're-underweight' thing triggered this. I was angry, I thought I'd gotten better than LOSING 10 POUNDS. So I got frustrated, and vowed to work harder.
And harder.
And harder.
Fraying myself from the inside out.
More frustration, with bad days and schoolwork. Instead of letting them go, I promised myself I would kick Ollie's arse (I call my OCD Ollie because... Why not. If I'm stuck with it, may as well name it).
So more pressure, more frustration, more anger.
Not getting better.
MORE pressure, frustration, and anger.
Put on pounds, lost some more weight, etc.
EVEN MORE pressure, frustration, and anger.
Rinse and repeat. Hold to a stupidly high standard.
You can see where I sorta became a self-fulfilling prophecy...

The question is... How do I forgive myself? How do I relax my expectations? How do I move past this?
I dunno.
Quote Of The Entry: "I got the scars from tomorrow, and I wish you could see..."