I wanna die. God, I wanna die so badly. Things have gotten so bad lately, and I don't know if I can handle it anymore.
My depression got real bad Wednesday night, and that brought urges to cut. I didn't cut then, instead, I listened to a bunch of songs about cutting, suicide, and depression. Then Thursday I had suicidal thoughts all day. It got to the point where I even started writing letters to a bunch of people for if I ever do kill myself.
I talked to a few friends Thursday night and told them about the suicidal thoughts and wanting to die, and they helped a lot, one of them especially. 'Cause, like, I had gotten up to get my razor, and then they texted me saying, "Whatever you do, do not cut." which kept me from cutting.
And then, yesterday after school, one of my friends and I talked for a little over half an hour, and it was mainly them trying to convince me to tell my parents about Thursday. (There's no way I'm gonna be telling them.)
So then I got home and took a nap before taking a shower. And that was when I finally relapsed. So then I told the friend that I had talked to after school, and that made me feel horrible because now they're upset at me. And, like, at one point they said, "Look, I'm having a hard time trusting you right now" and I keep thinking about that, and it makes me feel so guilty, so, of course, I woke up this morning and cut again because of how horrible I was feeling because of that text, and now I wanna cut again because I deserve to be in pain.
And, like, there's this part of me that wants to just swallow the bottle of pills that I was prescribed a few weeks ago and slit my wrists. Like, everything just feels so pointless, and I don't wanna feel like this anymore.
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