I. Feel. Horrible.
I'm so anxious right now, and it's absolutely horrible because I've been really anxious pretty much every day for over a week, and I've had barely any chance to get it out, so now it's all building up to the point where I just wanna lay down and cry, but I can't do that because I still have a bit of homework to do plus studying for a test that I have tomorrow, which is stressing me out so much and I'm really worried about that test because I have to do well on it, but I don't know the material that well, so I'm scared that I won't do well or I'll not remember anything, and it's terrifying me and making me so much more anxious.
And that class has been stressing me out ever since the beginning of summer break last June because it's an advanced class so we had summer homework, and that basically transitioned into giant ass assignments for each unit we do. And, like, at first I could handle the stress from those assignments and was able to do them without too much of a problem. But for the past two units, I've struggled with them so much, and it's so frustrating because I want to be able to get them done and turned in, but my brain literally cannot handle doing them just because of how much mental energy they take. And so, last unit, I was able to get a week extra to do the assignment, and I got it done in time for that deadline. But for this unit, I could barely even get halfway through before I had to talk to my teacher about how much I was struggling. And he was able to exempt me from the assignment. And while it relieved a lot of stress, it added new stress to my life that has made things so much worse.
So, for the assignment, we have to read chapters out of the textbook and summarize the different sections. And so my mom's been telling me at least once every day for the past, like, 3 days that I have to read the chapters and do as much of the assignment as I can so that I'll be prepared for the test, and, I don't know why, but her telling me that stressed me out so much and has made me so anxious literally every time she says it, to the point where I'll struggle to not break down.
And she's already made me cry once during this unit of the class.
At the beginning of spring break, which was May 22-31th for me, my teacher assigned the assignment for this unit, which is online. And so my mom was just like, "You've got to get at least half of it done before break is over so you don't fall behind." and, on the 31th, I was watching Sanders Sides because Thomas was going to post a video later that night, and my mom just went on and on about how I need to stop getting distracted and focus on the assignment and only the assignment so that I don't fall behind and get stressed out the week before it's due, and that made me so anxious and pissed me off so much. Like, I shut my computer, went to the bathroom, and cried for, like, 10 minutes before leaving the bathroom and going to my room to continue crying.
My mom knocked on my door after a while and I, rather reluctantly, let her in, and she apologized, and literally, all I said was, "I forgive you." I was very deliberate in saying "I forgive you" instead of "It's okay" because no, it's not okay that she made me so stressed to the point that I was bawling.
And, I just... I want to cry right now... I want to cry so badly... but I don't want to be alone when that happens. I don't want to be alone because I'm scared of the thoughts that my brain might produce. I've been clean for 31 days, and I don't want to ruin that by being alone with my thoughts.
I also need a hug, really badly. Like... I just need a hug that lasts for the rest of eternity, and even that wouldn't be long enough. I just need to know that there's someone there that is there for me when I fall apart and who will be able to help try and put me back together again once I'm done breaking.
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