I relapsed, and I lost my 230-day clean streak. I'm not as upset at myself as I expected myself to be when I was thinking about it. 

I'm also happy because I was able to find a blade in my dad's toolbox, so now I have something to cut with that isn't the earrings I got my ears pierced with. 

And, like, now that I've relapsed, I don't really want to stop... Like, I know it's not good, and the people I've talked to about it have been trying to help, but, like, idk, something in me has decided that I don't want to be clean anymore. And, like, I feel as if I'm letting people down when I tell them that I relapsed and then they try to help. 
Like, I appreciate it, but deep down I know that nothing they say is going to make me want to stop. I know I'm not going to tell my parents or my therapist... at least not for a while.