I'm so touch starved right now, like... I need someone to cuddle me so badly. 

I had a pep band game earlier, and, pretty much the whole time I was just thinking about how much I needed a hug. And after the game, I was finally able to work up the courage to ask one of my good friends for a hug.

And, like, I almost started to cry during the hug because I realized just how much I needed a hug.

I'm also in a really weird place mentally, and I've been there for the past, like, week. 

Like, literally anything can stress me out or make me anxious. 

For instance, at pep band, I was just sitting there watching, and all of a sudden I was having trouble breathing because a wave of panic just appeared. 

And, two nights ago, I was working on homework, and I was really stressed out and anxious because I had a lot to do and my mom was nagging me, so I was having trouble breathing then, and I was shaking. 

And then last night... oh boy, that was something. 

So, I was texting my best friend at, like, 11:30 last night, and we were talking about talking to people about emotions and stuff, and I mentioned that I have two teachers at school that I'll sometimes talk to, but I'll mostly bottle up my emotions and stuff. And so she said that I shouldn't do that, and I sent her a paragraph about me repressing my emotions.

Yeah, I just... I don't know... Like, stuff will happen that stresses me out, but I won't talk about it, so no one thinks that anything is wrong. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to cry because I'm in the middle of doing the five to ten assignments due the next day and my mom's pressuring me to work on stuff that's due in a few weeks because she's stressed about it. But I don't let myself cry because 1. I need to get the assignments done, and 2. I'm not comfortable around my parents, so there's no way I'm gonna be crying with them around. So then it's midnight of some random day, and I finally let myself cry because it's all gotten to be too much and I want to die.

That's the paragraph I sent her.

And, like, that happens way too much, where something will stress me out or upset me, and I won't tell anyone and I'll make myself shove the emotion away because when has anyone ever cared about what I think? So then everyone thinks that I'm fine, meanwhile, I'm on the verge of a breakdown, but I don't let that happen because there's stuff I need to do which is stressing me out more. So then it's some random night and I want to die, but then I realize that I'd miss out on so many important things, which makes me start crying, and then literally everything that I've been repressing for who knows how long finally breaks free from the bottle I've been trapping it in. 

It's such an unhealthy thing to do, but I keep doing it because I don't know any other way to deal with emotions. Like, I'm only comfortable talking about how I feel with a select number of people, and, even when I do feel comfortable talking about stuff, I make myself think that my emotions aren't important because it's truly rare for anyone to ask me how I'm doing. And, even when someone does ask, I'll just say that I'm fine, or that I'm tired or stressed or something like that because I don't want to burden anyone with the sad truth about how depressed I am. 

But I need to talk to someone about what's going on with me or else it'll destroy me. Well, more so than it already has. 

And, like, I really need to cry right now, but I feel as if I'm not physically capable of producing tears.

And, back on the subject of being touch starved, I just need to be coudled so badly. Like, I just wanna sit in someones lap and rest my head against their shoulder and have them wrap me up in a hug and just let me sit there in silence. I just need that so badly.