Help.

I don't know what to do.

I'm feeling really depressed, and I want to cut. Not deep or anything, but I just want to feel the sensation on my writs, reassuring me that I'm alive and can feel.

As of right now, I'm 155 days clean, and it's been the hardest 155 days of my life. 

The first week was absolute torture. I had panic attacks three nights in a row because my brain was screaming at me to cut, but I didn't want to, and I felt so alone because no one that I was texting was responding. 

It gradually got a little easier, but I'd still get urges to cut. Some were stronger than others, and I got so close to relapsing after exactly one month. 

I want to cut so bad. I can practically feel it on my wrist. I want to give in so bad.

But...

I don't want to let down my irl friend and any of you. 

I feel so broken and useless. Like all I'm good for is to be depressed and have occasional suicidal thoughts. 

To make it even worse, I don't even know why I'm feeling so depressed right now. It just... started. I have no reason to be feeling this way. I have everything I need to have a happy life, but the only thing my brain can do is make me feel like a piece of sh*t. 

It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to songs that make me want to cry, but that's what I'm doing and I'm going to keep doing it. 

... 

haha, I'm a failure. 

For 155 days I managed to not cut, but I just couldn't stop myself. 

Now that I've done it, I want to go deeper. What I did is basically a kinda deep scratch that is turning a little red. I want it to bleed. I want to see blood appearing along the cut, gathering to form little droplets on my arm. 

I'm such a freak. I want to make myself bleed, whereas other people try everything they can to not bleed.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Oh, wait. I know. Too much.