I've been having a rough time dealing with emotions and life, and someone recommended that I write it down, so, here it is:

So, it's been a little over a week since my ex broke up with me. 

When he first broke up with me, I didn't really feel anything, I just kinda went numb. It almost felt like my heart dropped to my feet, my blood turned to ice, and my brain stopped working. I felt cold and I was really shaky. I could barely hold a pencil during my next class, and I felt like I might throw up. 

I didn't cry at all. Heck, I didn't cry until almost a week later when I was listening to the very end of "Consequences" by Camilla Cabello on a local radio station in my room. 

It was so hard, because the next day was  the confirmation retreat my church had, and he was there. It was so hard to not look over at him like I would have done if we were still together. During free time, I played gaga ball with a group of friends, and he was also playing. I fell twice because it was snowy and slippery, and when I fell the second time, he was one of the first to offer a hand to help me up, which really confused me. 

Yesterday there was no bussing, and my mom was picking me up. When I saw her pull up by the band room, I got my stuff and got ready to go and saw that he was just about to leave too. I went through instrument storage in the hopes of sneaking out without having to interact with him.  I ended up walking a little ways behind him, and he turned around and asked why I wasn't riding the bus. We had a brief conversation about how there was no busing because public schools didn't have school and I was jealous of one of my brothers because he got to sleep in.

It almost felt like we were still together. 

After school today, he walked into instrument storage as I was getting my backpack on to leave, and we were both silent and didn't even acknowledge that the other was there. 

To be quite honest, I miss him. So much. 

There's so much stuff that I just want to tell him and talk about. When we were together, I would tell him anything that might have been even remotely interesting, and there's been so much stuff that's happened that I want to tell him. 

Some people have told me that it might be for the better that we broke up and that I don't deserve him, but this just feels so wrong.

To quote Thomas Sanders, "when you've been in a relationship as long as I was, it's hard to let go of those feelings."

And it is. No matter what I do, I can't help but love him as much as I did before this giant mess happened, even though he hurt me and broke my heart. 

I try my best, but I find myself thinking of him even when I try not to. 

Last night I started telling myself, "You are a warrior, you don't need a boy to be successful. But you are also human, and it's okay to cry and be sad at times." 

I'll tell that to myself whenever I start thinking of him or feel down, and it'll help for a while, but then I'll think of him again.

When he sent me the text that we should go our separate ways, there was no explanation of any sort as to why. I want to know if it was something specific that I did or if it was because he doesn't love me any more or if it was just because we had stopped talking and had grown apart.

I want to know, but there's no way for me to ask without seeming desperate, and it's starting to kill me.