I want to die, but what else is new.

Yesterday I was talking to friends, and they brought up a student from a different high school that committed suicide a few days ago. Me, being human, felt sad for, like, a minute or two, but the first thought I had after they said that was, "How did they kill themself? I want to know the details to see if I could do that."

What is wrong with me? I find out that someone killed themself, and I immediately want to know the details so I could possibly do that if I ever commit suicide. 

The thought went away for a while until a little over an hour ago. Then it came back, but much worse.

I kept picturing myself writing a note to put at the end of my books and on my profile, trying to figure out how to tell my followers and readers that you wouldn't be hearing from me ever again because I would no longer be alive.

The thing is, I don't want to kill myself, but I want to be dead. Or at least just disappear for a long while. I'm just sick of life. 

For the past few weeks, the days have been blurring together. I don't remember what day stuff happened. It takes me way too long to remember anything. I don't remember what day of the week Halloween was off the top of my head. I have to go back and remember that the 16th of October was on a Monday, and then count day by day until I reach Halloween. And I can never remember what day of the week it is. They all just blur into one never-ending day. 

I want to tell my friends from school, but none of them are awake, and the one person I want to talk to the most hasn't responded to any of my texts in 12 days. 

I feel so alone.