So I almost had 3 panic attacks today.

The first was during school. I was open mods 11 & 12 and was in the band room talking to the band director about some stuff. (My school is weird and has a modular schedule. It's really hard to explain, so I'd recommend looking it up if you're curious.) Eventually, we got to talking about break, and she asked how I am. I didn't really answer and kinda just went like, "Eeeehhhhhhh." After I said that, she was like, "Well, that's not a no, but it's not a yes, so I'm going to take it as a no." She asked if anything was up or wrong, and I just said that it was more mental stuff, and she asked if I was safe, and I didn't respond. Like, I wanted to be able to tell her, but then she'd tell people and then it'd get back to my parents and I do not want that happening. Eventually, she dropped it and let me sit down in her office and asked if I wanted some tea. 

The tea thing started months ago. I had a lesson with her, and at the beginning of it, she asked if I wanted some tea and I was like, "Yes please!" because who doesn't want tea?? So she made me a cup of tea, and I've kinda adopted that mug as my own. And, like, as far as I know, I'm the only student she makes tea for, which is kinda nice 'cause it makes me feel special. But, like, it's also really calming because I love tea and how warm and cozy it makes me feel.

So, anyways, she asked if I wanted tea, and I said yeah 'cause I was already feeling a tiny bit anxious and on-edge from the previous conversation. So she started heating up the water in this really neat pitcher she has and handed me the bag of tea for when the water was hot.

So I was sitting in there fiddling with the tea bag while she was doing some work on her computer. Next to her office is what's called the music library, and it's basically a place where band and choir kids can hang out and get work done, and there's a bunch of filing cabinets where band music is stored and it's usually where I go to chill during my open mods. Today there were a bunch of people in there; two juniors, at least 4 sophomores, and, like, 4 or 5 freshmen. And they were all being loud, and, because the music library and the office are next to each other, I could hear it all pretty clearly. And the loud noises made my anxiety, like, 100x worse. 

So there I was, holding a tea bag and trying not to have a panic attack. Like, it was hard to breathe because my chest felt so tight, and I was shaking just the tiniest bit. It was torture because the kids in the music library would not shut up. I was seriously so tempted to just run out of the office I was in and into the band room where I could play piano and be alone and in my own world of calming noises. But right as I was thinking of that, one of the juniors left the music library and started playing the piano in the band room, so that was out of the question. 

Eventually, the water for the tea was ready, so my band director poured some into my mug and I put the tea bag in and just held the mug while it steeped, although that was hard 'cause the mug was hot. But once it was done steeping, I just sat in the chair criss-cross-applesauce and held the mug close to my chest to try and feel safe and cozy, and the panic started to ease up a bit, but it was still there, and I couldn't actually drink my tea because it was so freaking hot and I would have burned my mouth. But once I was able to drink it, it made me feel warm and relaxed, which helped a lot.

And then the bell rang to signal that the mods were over, and I had to go to my next class, taking the tea with me. I was able to get out before most of the people who were in the music library, although there were two that I had to walk with, and they were pretty quiet, which was nice.

My second and third almost panic attacks were on the bus ride home. I have to get on one bus that takes me to a different high school where I get on another bus that takes me home. On the first bus, I pulled out my earbuds and started listening to music, because I could feel myself starting to get anxious again, and music usually helps. And it did, but only a little bit. And this time, my anxiety was a lot worse to the point where my legs were shaking as I got off the first bus at the other high school. I got on the second bus and sat there for a little bit, watching the school. They get out a few minutes after I get there, and I really wanted to talk to one of my friends that goes there, mainly because I just needed a hug and I knew she would understand. Anyways, that school finished, and a wave of students came out. I know that she usually comes out after 5 or so minutes, so I waited, getting more and more anxious with each passing minute. After a while, I thought I saw her, so I got off the bus to go talk to her. Once I was off the bus, I realized that the person I saw wasn't her, so I waited outside for another minute or two, and, at that point, I was practically shaking. 

Getting back on the bus, I was able to calm down a little bit, but not completely. I decided to try calling some friends to see if talking to them helped distract me. I tried my best friend first, and she didn't answer. At that point, I was shaking again. I tried another one of my friends, and they didn't answer either, and I started shaking even more. At that point, I gave up on calling people and tried to just focus on my breathing, but it was so shallow and irregular that I knew it was a lost cause, so I just stared out the window and thought about whatever popped into my head, which ended up with me thinking about what would happen if any of my family members died, and that almost made me cry. 

Yeah, so, uh just writing this has made me start shaking again, so I'mma go before I actually have a panic attack.