Few mths later....

Diane
School is school. I'm carrying so much. I feel so alone. I wonder am I even worth living. Was I not good enough for my dad to stay around. Why does my brother use me as his play thing. Why can't he just be a regular brother like other brothers. I just want love. I just to be appreciated. I just want to be seen as me.

I was in such thought I didn't hear anything in class. I felt I was just going thru the motions. I'm just ready to go home. Danny has practice so at least I'll have. a few hours of peace to myself. The Bell rung and as we headed to the next class some girl stopped Morsea but that's a everyday thing, I just walking.

"Cuz, you alright?"
"Yep, I'm fine."
"When I come I've over there after practice tell me the truth"
"There's nothing to tell scoop"
"Whatever, I'll bring food and we will talk. To forgot we the closest out the whole fam. I know you Dee. You. Me. Talk. Later."

I just nod my head. Getting irritated because he talking to me like I'm slow. I pushed it all to the back of my mind and try and oay attention in class. Which by the way was an epic fail. We had a test and my mind went blank.

We had like 10min left in class and I finally was able to do my test. Whatever grade I get i get. At this moment I don't care.

I get on the bus and the 1st question I get is from some girl I dotn even know and wth is she bothering me.

"So you Lommie girl, huh?"
"Yeah"

I turned around trying to ignore her and then another started.

"Oh yeah, that's her. Why he want you tho. You ain't even that cute. And you a lil chubby, lol"

I ignored it. Then the hair pulling started. The hair pulling wasn't anything new its happened before. I just closed my eyes and prayed while fighting tears. Why must people hate me when I haven't done anything to anyone. I just want to be at peace.

I got off the bus, walked in the house, turned my radio on and turned it up. And Raheem Devaughn ~ authentic began to play. It seem to take over my body igniting my emotions and all I could do was cry. I sat in the middle of my floor crying just crying. I felt I had no hope no escape.

Even if I told my mom, should she believe me over her favorite son since my oldest was killed. She always felt she had to hold on to him more. Yes she showed me as much love as possible, but we both knew who meant more.

She worked extra hours to make sure his phone bill and car note was paid even if hers wasn't. She made sure he had the latest clothes even if it meant she didn't get something she needed or wanted.

I sat and cried until I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt the tightness in my chest. I'm tired. I'm too my limit. I'm done. I walked into my mom's bathroom and took out everything that had "may cause drowsiness" on it. I went back to my room and emptied the contents on my bed and stared at then. I then went and got a glass of water say back down, looked at the pills again. Grabbing a handful I closed my eyes, took a deep breath

"God forgive me"

Scoop
Something is off about my cousin today. I've only seen that depressed look when her oldest brother died. God please don't let her go back to that. My mama told my aunt she needed to pay her more attention of course she didn't listen. Which made me and Dee get closer. She's like my sister. Even tho we blood we still thicker than blood. We grew up together. We have each others back.

"Aye coach we almost done, I got some family stuff"

It's boring asf and he not talking about nothing and we been doing drills for an hour. When I said that Sea, Nel, and Troy all looked at me. I just looked back.

"Well at least can I make a phone call since you didn't answer"
"Yeah Anderson, hurry up"

I jogged off calling Dee, she better answer this damn phone.

(Phone call)
"Hello"
"Hey cuzin you alright?"
"Yea brosin (brother/cousin)"
"Ok, I'll be there as soon as we get out. What you want to eat?"
"Ummmmm, well just order from food hub when you get here"
"Ok, I love you"
"(Sniffles) I love you too"
"De..... Click"

She hung up before I could say anything. She crying fuck this practice.

"Aye coach o need to go forreal"
"Anderson, patience son"
"Mane fuxk patience I gotta go now!!!!"

By now the guys were standing by me. Trying to figure out what was going on. I just needed to go. I dotn know of her and Danny got into another fight cuz he didn't come to practice again. But he ain't my problem. I just needed to go.

"Coach!!"
"Iight Anderson make up for it next practice. Mater of fact practice over".
We and guys all walked well I sped walked to my car only grabbing my bag I could shower later.

" where we going scoop"

They asked walking behind me.

"Dee"

That was all I said before we all ran the rest of the way to our cars and sped to her house. I didn't even knocked I use my key and walked right up stairs trying to make sure the guys weren't right behind me because I don't know what I'd be walking into.

The only person that was right on my heels was Morsea. He can play all he want but I know he loves my cousin and vise versa. He radio was blasting, I went to turn the knob and it was locked. So I kicked it in which caused her to jump and drop a hand full of pills.

When I looked down at her bed my heart dropped I was mad at me I should have skipped practice, but I was mad at her for wanting to cop out on life, on me.

"Why?"

Tears coming out my eyes I can lose her like that, I cant lose her at all.

"I'm tired"

She broke down sobbing and I just held her we cried together. God please help me help her. As I held her and she cried Morsea cleaned up the pills and threw then away and poured the water out. He sat on the end of the bed and put his head in his hands and I just held Dee and cried. She had cried herself to sleep but I just cried.

"Sea, what if we didn't get here in time"

That's when he looked up and saw him crying as hard as me.

"Ion know man"

I could only do one thing. Bow my head and talk to God and simply say

Thank you...........
**************************
Hello my beautiful butterflies. How are y'all. This is something people deal with all over the world.

Depression doesn't have a certain color, age, race, sex, creed, sick or well. It effects all kinds in different ways.

Suicide is never the answer its OK not to hide and bury stuff, its OK to talk to family and friends, its OK to embrace love, its OK to SEEK HELP.

Never judge a book by its cover and never try to make yourself feel better by bulling or tearing down others.

Well whatcha thinking. Give me feed back. I feel drained maybe. I may update I may make myself go to sleep.

Well y'all knwo the drill. Enjoy, vote, comment, and SHARE. Love you all. And your support on this book means more than you know because its so dear to my heart.