I'm in front of Gideon's apartment before I realize I probably should've texted him to check that he's even home. With his schedule, it's up in the air.

Considering I'm already here I let myself inside and take the practiced route upstairs to his unit before knocking timidly on the door.

And then a little harder.

And then I use both my hands to knock on the door despite the annoyance I'm bringing to the neighbors.

The door flies open so fast that my hair is blown back from my face. I'm breathless and grinning like an idiot when Gideon's almost panicked expression greets me on the other side.

"What's wrong?" he asks, scanning me over for something.

Gideon ushers me inside his apartment like I should be bleeding profusely or that I'm about to tell him someone is dead.

"Nothing!"

"You look like you ran here, so I beg to differ."

I shake my head and my long ink black hair spills and tangles across my shoulders. I don't even have the brain power to fix it. My hands are clammy and I wipe them on my shorts like the action will temper my nerves.

Good nerves, I remind myself.

"Sorry I didn't check if you were home before I came."

Gideon brushes it off with a shrug and leans against the wall with a cross of his arms as he watches me pace around his apartment.

"I'm always happy to see you, Wal. Now will you tell me what's going on?"

No take backsies.

"I thought about what you said before."

Gideon straightens his posture just a bit as the words flow off my tongue.

"I pulled up some things about being aromantic and stuff like that..." I fiddle with my nails. "And honestly, I don't quite get it yet. Everyone has so many ways to describe it. but when I tried to think about what romance even is, my mind went blank. So many people said if you felt romantic love you'd know and by that I can safely say I don't think I ever really have."

He doesn't speak. Doesn't try to press me to get words out any faster.

"So, at the very least I think I might be on the spectrum? I'm sure what I feel for you isn't romantic. When I try to picture us like that – like Zelda and John, I can't. Harper's my best friend, but you're...more than that?" I furrow my brows almost like I'm confused by my own words. "So, not romantic – not platonic – but like a third thing? I mean clearly I'm...sexually attracted to you." I gesture towards him with a flimsy hand. "But there's more than just romantic and sexual attraction I read, right?"

"Yeah—" He clears his throat. "There's uh...platonic, sensual, aesthetic? Probably more, I don't know."

I nod, vaguely remembering seeing those words on some of the posts.

"Uh huh. I'm pretty sure I feel those towards you too. But the romance...the idea of getting married, having children, candlelight dinner and gazing into each other's eyes with butterflies, all those things Harper talks about, the things I see in movies...none of that is what I feel for you."

"So..." he says almost hopefully.

"A QPR isn't romantic, though. That's what you want to try?"

"If that's what you want," Gideon replies. "You're important to me. But the most important thing for me is that I just want to be a part in your life."

There's that look. Gideon's look. The look that doesn't send me running for the hills. The one that shows me how much he cares but in our way, no matter if that doesn't make sense to the rest of the world.

And that's how I know whatever we have doesn't need to be explained to anyone else. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but him and me. It's love that I feel for him, and the lack of romance doesn't make it any less, like Harper said.

"Okay," I say with a smile.

"Really?" he almost sounds dumbfounded.

"Yeah. It's like you said – like Harper told me – it's not of less value just because it's not romantic. I do love you. I do."

His swallows thickly at the admission.

"I get what you meant now when you told me how you felt. I get it. Let's just...love in our own way. Who cares if it doesn't make sense. Not like we have to justify it, right?"

He smiles so big his eyes like up and nearly sparkle with giddiness. I reach forward and he envelopes me in a hug that threatens to swallow me whole, fingers trailing up and down my back.

When I pull away from him it's merely a moment before I press my lips to his in a furious eruption of emotions. Just being near him threatens to overwhelm me with arousal. It's almost baffling that seeing such a display of happiness on Gideon's face can make me want him so badly.

His limbs crowd over me, hands caressing my face, his legs moving between mine as he maneuvers us backwards towards his bedroom while his teeth tug at my bottom lip, eliciting a moan from me. My hands fumble and hit the doorframe as we stumble around with a laugh which is immediately cut off as his hands slide down to my ass and cup me tight against him.

I'm glad to feel he's just as worked up as I am.

We're tangled on the bed, groping and grasping for one another while drinking each other almost as if our lives depend on it. My hand tenderly reaches between us to palm him through his pants, and he hisses at the contact, a string of saliva connecting our lips as he pulls away from me.

"I think I'm ready," I tell him confidently.

I press a kiss to his lips, his cheek, his jaw.

"Are you sure?" Gideon asks so reliably. In such a soft, touching way knowing the importance that those words mean.

My stomach is in knots, but I know now after all this time with him that it's not something to run from. That the feeling isn't inherently negative like I've always known it to be. I'm nervous, but it's a good nervous.

"Never more sure about anything," I say.

I reach forwards and play with the loose hair at the nape of his neck that isn't quite long enough to tie up with the rest of it. He closes his eyes at my touch, and I'm pulled to where I'm now sitting on his lap, nose brushing his.

It feels a little cliché. I had pictured losing my virginity randomly with Gideon. Just one day it happened once the time felt right. We'd sit down, talk the logistics of it, he'd make some big speech about how he's glad that I trust him to do something so special, and that suddenly I'd be ready to tackle intimate relationships now that I'd finally experienced what it felt like. But instead, we're finally having sex after some big admission of feelings (whatever those feelings are).

I want to laugh at the irony of it.

This arrangement with Gideon had meant to be simply that; an arrangement with him to make sure I didn't go into thirty a virgin. So I didn't make a fool of myself with other men in the future. So I felt comfortable. But instead, it turned into this wonderful connection.

Just the thought of it causes me to wrap my arms tight around his shoulders, pressing my chest to his, and I draw him into a long, languid kiss. A kiss that sends shivers from my shoulder blades to my toes.

His hands slide from my hips up the back of my shirt and I pull away to discard it without a second thought. He chuckles at my enthusiasm, but his eyes stay attached to my chest as he marvels at my breasts, even though I still have my bra on.

"I remember when you were once too shy to sit on my lap," he chuckles, leaning forward to kiss the soft skin at the top of my breasts.

I frown melodramatically. "I remember when you said you'd never make fun of me."

"I'm not," he grins. "I'm admiring how far you've come."

I stick my tongue out and yank at the hem of his shirt. "Take this off."

"Yes ma'am."

He grabs it from the hem upwards, muscles flexing as he raises it and tosses into some corner to be long forgotten. Without thinking, I trail my hands over his skin, the muscles of his abdomen, and slide them back upwards towards his pecs to swipe my thumbs over his nipples. He hisses and smiles into a kiss that pushes me back onto the bed. My hands maneuver from his chest to around his back, snaking downwards to grip his ass into me.

He chuckles into my ear. "Eager, are we?"

"Mhm," is all my hazy brain can say.

I yank the waistband of his pants and he catches on, helping me shimmy them off with kicks before they disappear off the edge of the bed.

We've kissed plenty of times before but the sensation of skin on skin, the feeling of his fingers creeping around to unhook my bra to expose my breasts and press them to his chest, his tongue tracing a stripe up the side of my neck...it's all so overwhelming. He grasps me over my underwear, and I make some sort of strangled noise.

"Don't worry," he hums, pulling my center to be flush with his, "I'm just as excited."

He's hard against me and I have to stop myself from grinding up against him and getting myself off that way.

He sits back on his heels to look at me splayed below him. I'd cover myself, the cold air brushing over my breasts, but something in Gideon's slightly feral gaze makes me stop. Makes me watch the trail of his eyes as they roam over me.

Gideon's mouth is around my nipple before I can think and my fingers tangle in his hair as a moan slips from me. I've played with my breasts before, but I've never felt a sensation such as this. So hot and wet and – I don't know if I have a word for it. My body flushes not just from embarrassment but from the redness of our skin rubbing against one another.

He palms the breast that his mouth isn't make short work of, rubbing it slowly and I see why my tracing of his nipples made him react the way he did.

Lifting his face from the slobbering mess he's made of my chest, he hums, "Fuck your tits are so hot. Perfect size, you know that?"

"I do now," I laugh, and he seizes my mouth again.

Gideon sits back on his knees, my thighs splayed across his own as his fingertips knead across the skin near my hip. It's terrifying being on display for another person like this, but it's Gideon and I trust him.

He begins to slide his palms all over my skin, his light tan contrasting with my darker olive. He pauses over dimples on my legs and hips – admiring the objects I've considered blemishes for years. I'm not quite sure what to do with my hands as he reduces me to mere putty beneath his touch, so I settle for resting them on my chest and fiddling with the ends of my hair.

I know I'm not in love with Gideon but that isn't diminishing any ounce of admiration or attraction I feel towards him in this moment. Hell, I understand why so many people take so long to realize if they do or don't feel romantic attraction because this certainly probably feels like it.

He slides his arms under my own as he bends forward over me, and I drop the strand of hair I hold to rest my hands against his bare chest. A sly grin forms over his lips as he sees me blush at his closeness. At the feeling of his dick pressing against my center.

"Are you still doing okay?" he asks.

"Yeah."

He rises a bit before leaning down to press a warm kiss to my sternum. Then to my breast. And then finally his mouth wraps around one of my nipples and the sensation shoots straight down between my legs as I inhale a sharp breath. Saliva coats the soft skin between his lips and Gideon holds me down since I can't help but squirm as I thread my fingers through his hair at the sensation of his mouth on me.

I whine, "Gideon—"

His green eyes, nearly black from his pupils being blown out, dart up to me.

"What is it?"

"I need you," I say, nearly choking on the spit that pools in my mouth.

His hips align and press hard against mine, his lips turning into a cunning smile when he sits fully up again. He knows what he's doing as his gaze wanders over my mostly nude body that shines with his saliva and is flushed from the ministrations of his grip on me.

"You need to be more specific, Wal," he murmurs.

He slowly grinds himself against me, pressing the length of his cock against my center. I can feel him throb despite the layers of fabric between us.

God, why is he teasing? This must be driving him nuts too.

"Oh god – I want you inside," I manage to get out between gasps and moans.

He gives me a dark chuckle and leans down over me again to brush his mouth against mine. "You want me to fuck you?"

I reach up and grasp his face in my hands as I moan against him. "Please," I beg. My hands drag from his face to his arms and his shoulders as I tremble in anticipation below him.

Gideon relieves me from his teasing for a moment when he presses his lips against mine softly and the bare skin of his chest presses on my own. I moan quietly into his mouth and unconsciously wrap a leg around his hip to press him in closer to me. He follows my movement enthusiastically, grinding just enough to get me squirming again. My lips, cheeks, and neck end up covered in his kisses as he works his way all over my skin.

He gets off the bed and moves to pull my shorts off, the movement pulling me a little unceremoniously across his bed which erupts laughter from the both of us. The shorts disappear somewhere in the chaos of his bedroom and before I even have a chance to feel any sense of embarrassment at the feeling of him dragging my underwear off as well, those are gone and he's grasping my legs at the knees to spread them.

"You're gorgeous, Wal," he tells me as he sits between my legs. "Keep your legs just like this please."

At the flushed expression of his face, his hooded eyes, the mess of chocolate brown hair, I can't even will myself to curl up in embarrassment knowing the pleasure that is to come next. I merely nod and submit myself to every sensation taking over my senses.

His thumb moves to press against my slit with small circles and a teasing amount of pressure. I twitch and jerk but do my best to stay still enough for him as the heat of his breath brushes against my center. The size of his hand encompasses most of my stomach as he spreads his fingers wide across me with only his thumb reaching down. He watches me with an almost hungry satisfaction as I grow wetter with his ministrations.

With a brief touch, he moves and drags his index fingers through my folds, marveling at the gathering of arousal that attaches to his finger before he grips his hands around my hips and dives in with his tongue instead.

Hot and wet are the only things speeding through my brain now. I inhale sharply at the feeling of his tongue pressing against me, diving instead before dragging back up to circle around my nub. When his tongue starts to thrust in and out of me in earnest, I let out a pathetic moan and he groans in reply against me, the vibration nearly driving me over the edge.

In some weak attempt to grab his attention I tug on his hair, which at first gets a guttural groan out of him, but I pull again a bit harder, and he angles his face at me with the lower half glistening in me and saliva.

"Take your...underwear off," I say in almost one sentence.

I crave the feeling of his completely naked body on top of mine. The desire so powerful I pulled him from me just to say that.

He doesn't move for a moment, almost like he wants to ignore me to continue doing what he had been, but he relents and stands from the bed. I can see clearly how hard he is for me. How strained he must feel in his briefs.

I hope he's just as excited for this as I am.

The ability to give another person this much pleasure just shoots off all the right parts of my brain to give me dopamine fireworks.

His fingers loop around his underwear before he shakily drags them off and tosses them to the side, leaving us both in the nude for the first time together. His body is perfect in all the right ways for me. Lean and strong with just a moderate amount of body hair for my liking. His muscles in his abdomen twitch as my eyes trail over him.

It's nice to be the one admiring for once.

But his cock. Oh. It isn't an unfamiliar sight. I'd had it in my hands. In my mouth. But with the looming prospect of it being inside me fully, I nearly roll my eyes back into my head at the thought.

I slide myself back up on the bed as Gideon digs in his nightstand for a condom. He makes himself comfortable again between my spread legs and rolls the condom on over his length. Only then do I notice he's also grabbed a small bottle of lubricant that he spreads over himself while watching me laid out beneath him. I swallow a bit in anticipation. My heartbeat thuds against my chest and roars in my ears at the way his eyes bore into me.

This is it.

It's finally happening.

His fingers dance on my again as he scoots close between my legs, close enough that I can feel him but nothing more than that.

"You good?" he murmurs.

"I'm good," I reply.

"I'll go really slow, okay? Let me know if it's too much."

I nod and hope that my brain doesn't explode and that I'm even capable of comprehension on any level.

He plants his right hand next to my head as he leans over me and the blunt head of his cock presses against my center but doesn't enter me right away like I expect. Instead. He rubs himself up and down between my folds and stifles a groan at the sensation.

When he slides in, the pain isn't what I expect. That stereotypical pain of losing one's virginity. I'm sure I "lost" it ages ago, either in sports or using a dildo. But despite having been filled by my fingers or a toy before the pain comes from the strange sensation of being filled and stretched in a way that I haven't been before. It's uncomfortable and a hiss slips between my teeth, my left hand coming up to grip onto Gideon's bicep that's damp with sweat.

Gideon grunts, cheeks flushed, as he slowly makes his way inside. His jaw flexes and he seems to be straining to not let a sound slip through his lips. I can't stop myself from tensing at him making his way deeper.

"You – shit – need to relax, Wal," he strains. "You're so tight. Fuck, you feel good."

Despite using his right hand to prop himself up, he's reaching a bit closer to the bare skin of my shoulder with that thumb, trying to stroke my skin in an almost reassuring way.

"You can do that for me, right?"

I hum in affirmation, or what I hope is, and try my best to let out a slow and controlled breath. And repeat. Don't clamp down on him inside me, I tell myself.

Fuck, he's going to be inside me.

Actually inside me.

The thought alone causes a moan to rip from me before I can even think about holding back. Gideon's eyes dart up to mine, probably wondering what he'd done to make that slip.

With every thought, every bit of pleasure, Gideon slips a little more inside. A little further. Warmth spreads more and more and it's becoming a chore to hold back the mews and groans of pleasure as he sinks deeper and deeper.

He has the head fully in at this point and I see him straining to hold himself up above me as he swallows thickly while looking down to where we're joined.

"Gideon—" I cut myself off as if the act of speaking is too much.

"Yeah?"

"Please," I say without really knowing what I'm begging for.

I just want him to feel as good as I feel right now.

When his jaw goes slack, I wonder what makes him roll his eyes back a little in pleasure. But he focuses on me again, inching himself deeper and deeper, offering soft praises and gentle caresses and before I know it, he's flush against me, stretching me wider than I've ever been before. And I only realize it because he groans deeply as he buries his face into the crook of my neck.

I wait a moment and try to still myself while he keeps his face against my skin. My fingers reach up to tangle in his hair. His chest pushes against mine with every breath he takes. Every movement. Adjustment.

The feeling of his length inside me, filling me up...I find that I rather enjoy the sensation more than I would have thought. The heat of it. I don't know if I want him to even move.

With a slightly breathy giggle I say, "You're in."

He tears his face away from me and sits himself back onto his calves like he's run a marathon already, hands coming to rest on the tops of my knees.

"I am," he says.

Slowly he adjusts his hips back and forth and I feel his cock slide in and out slightly. He watches my every move. Every little twist of my face as he moves and thrusts gently inside of me. Almost like he's trying to gauge what I like and don't like.

"Does that feel good?" he manages to choke out as he does a longer thrust in and out, one that makes a little noise I'm too stepped in lust to be embarrassed about.

"Mm, yeah it – shit – feels so good," I blabber.

He presses a hand just under my navel.

"I know, I know," he whines.

His thumb trails down lazily to play with my clit as he glides himself easily in and out, dragging whimpers out of me. Everything numb and fuzzy but also overstimulating. I want to clench and relax at the same time.

I realize why Gideon has sex so often.

If only I'd known sooner.

Gideon slides his clammy hands down from my knees to my hips and leans into me just a bit more when he grinds out almost pathetically, "I wanna fuck you. Can I fuck you?"

At first, I don't realize why he's asking. Clearly that's what's happening right now, but then it clicks. I don't know if it's the desperate look on his face, the flushed complexion, or the whine in his voice. But I realize what he's asking.

"I..."

I can tell when I clench around him when his eyelids flutter a bit as he unfortunately stifles another sweet groan.

"Yes, please, please," is what I finally get out.

He doesn't need any more than that.

With a slow pull out he watches his cock slide out of me with slick glistening on it before he pushes it right back in with a grunt. I'm still tight, and it's just as uncomfortable as it is pleasurable, but he slides back in with much less resistance that the first time. A small yelp of surprise leaps from me at the feeling of him grinding back into me. But he presses until he's deep inside – as if that'll get him any closer – and he shudders against me. I feel it ripple across his skin as I grip onto his arms.

And then he does it again.

Again.

Again.

Every whine, every groan, that slips from his mouth goes straight between my legs and that only spurs him on even more.

He leans closer, head next to mine, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders and cling to him as he pumps into me over and over eliciting sounds that I might be embarrassed about later. All I know is I'm high as can be right now and the last thing I want is for him to stop. I want him to stay inside me for as long as I live.

I tilt my head to the side and nip at his ear that I can now see being this closer to him. Surprisingly, he's coherent enough to let out a bit of a laugh and returns my action with a bite of his own on my neck.

He props himself up on his forearms over me and is greeted by my half-lidded eyes, my ink black hair stuck to my face and shoulders due to sweat, and my mouth hanging open as if the muscles refuse to work.

"Can I spit in your mouth?" he asks, and he sounds lost to pleasure at this point – eyes so blown out that I can barely tell what color they are.

I'll give him whatever he wants, I think.

I can't find the words, but I open my mouth more for him and he understands. He collects the saliva that sits in his mouth and presses his lips together to drop a clear string of liquid into my waiting mouth and it's warm when it hits my tongue. A deep groan flows through him at the sight.

When he dips downward, I think he's about to kiss me, but instead he leans his forehead against my own and our mouths, both open and breathing heavily, pant against each other as his hips jerk back and forth against my own.

"Closer, Gideon," I stammer out.

He chuckles. "I'm as close as I can be, Wal."

It's a bit childish but I shake my head and whine.

In some attempt to fulfill my request, he hikes my left leg up against him and wraps an arm around me to pull me flush on a slightly new angle. Whatever this does causes him to hit a spot in me that has me tossing my head back against the pillow and moaning.

His stomach presses right into mine and I wonder if he can feel himself moving inside of me with how tight he's gripping me to him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. – Gideon, please—" I beg.

He angles himself again and hits the same spot over and over and I know at this point I'm drooling and tears are probably staining my cheeks but I don't care. I'll chase this feeling forever.

Strong hands take my face in his and he presses open mouth kisses and licks all over the sides of my mouth before he pants, "You're taking me so well for your first time. You're so good, you know that?"

I squeeze my eyes so tightly I can see fireworks.

Gideon leans down to breathe into my ear, "Do you like being fucked by my cock, Wal?"

"Ye—" I can't even finish the word as he pushes himself into me again.

The coil starts to build now. It's tighter, impossibly tighter, than any other time Gideon has brought me to orgasm. I feel like I'm going to shatter. That once this snaps I'm going to completely fall apart and melt into the sheets and Wallace Beaumont will cease to exist.

"Gideon I'm going to—" I stop a second to whine. "I'm going to cum."

His thrusts come harder.

"Please cum on my cock," he begs. "Please."

He sounds to beautiful when he pleads like that.

When my orgasm hits, I can't hear a thing. I can't see anything but Gideon's face right in front of me. That face twisted in pleasure, pink and shiny with sweat. Every atom in my body feels as if it's vibrating as I arch forward, trying to pull Gideon deeper into me and my mouth drops open in some sort of moan that struggles to break out.

What shocks me more is that I can feel Gideon fall apart right after me. The shudders that rack his body. The warm feeling of his cum filling the condom. The way he presses into me instinctually. The heavy, guttural groan that he grinds against my mouth.

"Fuck, Gideon," is all I can manage as I grind myself against him weakly, riding out my own orgasm. Not wanting the pleasure to end.

Then the room is silent besides our labored breathing as we each come down from our highs. I'm limp against Gideon, and he presses more weight onto me than I think he realizes.

It sounds like there's cotton in my ears and my skin is tacky from sweat but I give a soft smile with half open eyes when Gideon presses a kiss to my forehead, collapses on his side, and curses under his breath as he removes the condom. He throws it away with a lazy reach for the trash.

We did it.

And I can't help but laugh with joy.