I'm on the night shift at work when I find time to start researching this foreign thing called aromanticism. It's been a whole week, and I regrettably avoided the whole thing all together. It's not that I wanted to put it off, but more like I know that in some way if I resonate with it, it'll make me different. And I don't know if knowing for sure will bring me the sense of relief I want or a sense of exclusion worse than what I already feel.

There's not a ton of resources I find at first. Some threads on websites I've never heard of or blog posts from random people. I start with the Wikipedia page since it seems the most straightforward.

The definition is not too different than what Gideon described to me.

Aromanticism: little or lack of romantic attraction to others; low or absent desire for romantic activity.

Academic research on the topic seems sparse, but in the past few years aromanticism is being recognized right alongside asexuality, which is a term more familiar. As I scan the page, a bit more of it explains how there's reason to believe that in some people romantic orientation and sexual orientation aren't always linked and just because you might be asexual you might not be aromantic, and vice versa.

I nearly snort to myself at the computer.

I know I'm not asexual, at least. My libido is high enough to confirm that for me.

But what is romance? What does that even mean? How do I know if I even feel romantic attraction or not? And a spectrum? There are so many different kinds of aromantic people.

Looking at all of this makes it more overwhelming than when I knew nothing.

But the box is open now and I can't close it.

As I scan through a few more webpages, one part catches my eye: that aromantic people can still have intense, loving feelings.

Gideon says he loves me.

Love doesn't have to be romantic...right?

I know I highly value my friends. I value Gideon. I care about him. Would I say I love him? What is love? Does it apply for me? How am I supposed to know if I love him if I don't even know what it means?

I pop "love" into Google in another tab and huff when I get the usual romantic things. I should have expected that.

I switch back to the other tab and start reading through more blog posts of people and their experiences. How they realized they were aromantic. So many people and they sound just like me. Just like the struggles I've been through. Not all of them. Some seem to have different experiences than others, but there's enough similarities between me and those writing these posts on years old forums.

Being repulsed by dates.

Feeling obligated to date and find a boyfriend.

Being annoyed when talking to friends who always said that someone is out there for me.

I don't even know if I've ever had a proper crush on a guy now that I'm sitting here thinking about it.

Have I been so unhappy because I felt like I had to be in a relationship? And a failure because it never happened?

Or because I truly want one and its never happened?

Work is thankfully slow because I find that I'm pages deep on forums and other websites reading about people and their dynamics with others in their lives. How everyone seems to be a bit different from one another but that they can all agree on one thing—

That a traditional romantic relationship just didn't work for them.

Is this...

Would this explain some things?

Despite my earlier concerns about how researching all of this would make me feel, I want to have this be my answer, I realize.

I want an explanation.

A reason.

A reason that isn't that I'm unlovable or incapable of loving.

Just what I feel is...different.

And if it's okay for all these people...

If it's okay for Gideon, why can't it be okay for me?

I click open another tab and type in queer platonic relationships. I need to understand what it is that Gideon is asking of me. If he (and maybe me?) doesn't feel romantic attraction, then what would be the purpose of a relationship?

Queerplatonic relationships: are committed intimate relationships which are not romantic in nature. They can differ from usual close friendship by having more explicit commitment, status, and structures like a conventional romantic relationship.

He hadn't been kidding. It hits me almost like a freight train. It's not that different from what we already have. Aside from the commitment to each other, we basically function like this already.

Can I see myself with Gideon in the future? Carrying on like we do?

I can't deny that I'm attracted to the man. That would be the biggest lie I've ever told if I try to play that off somehow. No, I like being intimate with him even if it doesn't stir up those same feelings that Harp or Zelda talk about.

But I like what we do outside of being intimate too.

I like our TV nights. Our food runs. Buying groceries together. Hanging out with our friends. Dancing in bars like idiots. Cleaning together. Just existing in the same space.

Gideon's become my best friend.

But not in the way Harper is.

There's something different about it. Looking at Gideon, there's just a connection there that's just different in nature. Like he's...my person.

Is he my person?

I spend most of my shift running over this in my head repeatedly until I've drawn a circle on the same notepad that I've torn through several layers of paper. My brain hurts.

I need to let this out. To vocalize it. To soundboard it off someone else or I won't be able to make sense of it.

Which is why the next afternoon I text Harper.

Wal [2:08pm]: are you free right now?

Harp [2:08pm]: yep! what's up?

Wal [2:08pm]: can i come over?

Harp [2:08pm]: sure! are you okay?

Wal [2:08pm]: yeah i just have some news and i wanna share it in person

Harp [2:09pm]: okay! come now!!

Harper answers her door in a light-colored linen pajama set and her hair up in a claw clip. She looks like she's treated herself to a spa day. She shuffles me inside quickly, offering me a lemonade once we plop down in her living room. Sex in the City is paused on her TV.

"You made it here fast," she smiles.

"I was already in the car when I texted," I admit sheepishly.

I gulp down the tart liquid and turn to face her on the couch.

I don't know why I suddenly feel scared to bring this up to her. Like all that energy and courage just dissipated now that I'm here.

It's Harper.

It's not scary.

"Okay...what's going on?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.

"I need to tell you something," I say.

My voice quiets and she turns to me fully with her manicured brows knitted together.

"Are you okay?" she panics.

"Yeah! Yeah...I just..." I take a deep breath. In. Out. "I feel like what I'm going to tell you won't make sense, because it doesn't make sense, but I don't want you to judge me."

She grabs my hand with her and looks at me like I've lost my mind.

"Wal, I'd never. I'd never."

Here goes nothing.

"Gideon asked me to be his partner."

"Oh my god." She has the decency to not yell in excitement. "He asked you to be his girlfriend? Really? Gideon?"

"No," I tell her. And I say firmly this time, "He asked me to be his partner."

There it is. The confusion pouring over her doe like features.

"I don't understand," she admits.

I let go of her hands and stand to pace a bit in front of the couch. Maybe moving will help get my words straight. To explain this in a way that makes sense even though I don't really understand it myself.

I want to cry. From frustration. From happiness. Anger that I'm not the same as everyone. I've always wanted to throw myself in a chasm to escape from all my emotions, but little did I know they just sat at the bottom there waiting to well up.

"I didn't really have a word for it until Gideon brought it up, but I didn't have a lot of time to really think about it because I'd been crying about David and he was trying to offer it up as maybe an explanation on why the date bothered me so much, but I couldn't look into it until I got to work and I avoided it for, like a week, and—"

"Wal, you're rambling."

I exhale. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she assures me. "Keep going."

"I'm aromantic," I blurt and toss my arms loosely out before they slam back against my sides. "I think. Some type of aromantic. There's so many and I don't know really know, but nothing has ever clicked with me until now and...yeah."

Harper's silent a minute and I start picking at my nails until she says, "Okay. What does that mean?"

There's a gentle smile on her face and all my anxieties start to slip away at the sight of it.

"I still don't know a whole lot but basically that I don't really jive with the whole romance thing. I don't really feel romantic attraction. And it makes sense because I've never really done well with the whole dating thing and I panic, as you know, when people hit on me in public and it sucked because you knew, and I knew that I wanted to be with someone but either I'd run away or try to put myself out there and nothing I did worked and—" My voice starts to shake. "I see everyone else around me with someone and it's so hard because I'm so lonely and I thought if I tried to force it that it would work but it doesn't and I know I'll never meet the expectations of people like poor David or that one drunk dude at the party last year—"

"Marcus," Harper cuts in with a laugh that sounds as if she's going to start crying.

I wipe a tear from my cheek that I didn't notice spill out and laugh along with her. "Yeah, that guy." I sniff and sit down on the floor across from the couch. "Love sounds so wonderful you know, and it sucks that I won't experience that. I see you and Reese and I'm not jealous but I am and...I don't know."

Harper readjusts herself on the couch and licks her lips before she says, "Okay. Um..." Then she pushes herself onto the ground to join me on the floor. "I don't know anything about being aromantic. I don't think I've ever even heard of that before but...I don't think it means you can't experience love, Wallace."

I furrow my brows.

"Well, there's so many different types of love out there, right? Romance isn't the only kind of love. You love your mom. Your pets. Your friends, right? So maybe it's not that you're incapable of loving it's just...whatever this romance junk is that the rest of us deal with – it's just not for you? That you have your own thing?"

I rub my face with the heel of my palm. "You think?"

"Being a person is so complicated. And I'm sorry if I hurt you all these years with how I tried to force dating on you. We're all so hardwired to think that it's just the normal way to do these things I didn't think anything of it. I thought I was being supportive."

"It's not your fault. You didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know what to say to you. How to word what was going on inside me. I just figured there was something wrong with me because everything seems to make sense for you."

Harper's lips stretch thin across her face. "I don't think it makes sense for the romantics in the world either. We're all just fucked up trying to figure it out. I just pretend I have my shit together. You've seen my dating history."

That garners a laugh from me.

"So, what does this all have to do with Gideon?"

"Oh," I chuckle. "Right. That."

She raises her brows, encouraging me to continue.

"He's aromantic too. He's known for a while. But he always figured that meant he had to be alone since he wasn't built for dating and romance. No strings attached kind of guy. But then he met that girl Margo who made him realized you can still be with someone and it not be romantic. But it didn't work out, obviously. And then he said he met me and how easy our friendship is and how he knew he wasn't in love with me but that he still loves me, and he wants me in his life but not in that way and so he asked me to be his partner."

"I'm going to be honest...I have no idea how that's any different than being in a relationship."

"I mean—we haven't actually talked about it. I told him I needed to think and to figure all of this out, but that's the next step. Because I don't know what being a partner means. I looked online and the general consensus is that it's different for everyone. Some people have partnerships that are just like friends, but this one is the most important friend, and some people have partnerships that basically look like romantic relationships, but the feeling isn't there. It's all so...confusing."

Harper takes my hand in hers and says, "you know what I think?"

"Hm?"

"I think it doesn't really matter." At my expression she adds, "I think you and Gideon can do whatever makes the most sense for you. Who cares if it's romantic, aromantic, aromatic, you know?"

I snort. "That's a terrible joke."

"The only people that matter are the people participating in it," she continues. "I think you and Gideon need to decide what being partners means for you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, who cares what anyone else thinks as long as it works for you two? It's not like we all go around asking people in romantic relationships if their relationship is romantic. So, you shouldn't have to explain yourself. Just do what feels good and makes you happy."

I grab my lemonade from the table and take another gulp.

"You're right," I say. And then I groan loudly. "Now what?"

Harper hops up swiftly and plants her hands on her hips. She beams down at me with a look I know all too well.

"Now you go to Gideon! Tell him everything! Ramble!"

"Right now?" I sputter.

"Yes now!" She grabs my arm and starts to haul me up from the floor. "You are no longer allowed in my house. Drive over there right now and tell him exactly what you're feeling!"

"Even if none of it makes sense?"

"Even if none of it makes sense!"

Harper's contagious hyping gives me a surge of confidence, as it always does, and I find myself childishly yelling in her living room with her. We jump up and down shouting cheers and affirmations and all of that stupid stuff that makes me want to go buy one of those stupid Live, Laugh, Love signs. Before I know it, she's basically manhandling me out the door with a one-track mind to drive to Gideon's and tell him exactly how I feel.

"Oh!" Harper yells as I walk down her sidewalk. "Can I tell Zel?"

"Yeah, sure!" I tell her honestly. I'd rather her do it than me. I don't want to give that explanation twice. Not while my brain is now on a fast track to Gideon's apartment.

I hop into the driver's seat and pull down the street before I give myself a chance to second guess myself.

A chance to think that "oh, maybe this isn't what it is."

That I'm settling because I can't find anyone.

I'm making excuses because I don't want to put effort into dating.

I know the more I think about it, the surer I feel that this aromantic thing might be right and I'm trying to convince myself otherwise because – well why should I? What's wrong with it?

Who says doing things like everyone else is the right way to do them anyway?