The girls make it to my place earlier than I expect and I still have on my elbow length rubber gloves by the time I hear Harper giggling and knocking on my door.

"I hope you guys didn't forget the cheese," I say as I let them in.

Zelda holds up the meat and cheese platter (mostly cheese for me) and I grin. I'd been waiting all day for this.

Harper looks very posh in her white shirt and pink sweater resting over her shoulders while Zelda is channeling Audrey Hepburn today. Considering I'm still in my bleach-stained sweats and ratty bun, I'm glad we decided to have a girl's night in.

"What happened to your hand?" Zelda asks when I put the platter and wine on the coffee table.

My knuckles bruised up more than expected after the incident with Gideon's brother. It's in the late stages of healing now so it doesn't hurt but it looks a sickly purplish yellow around the two middle knuckles.

I'd sent Gideon a picture of it and he said that next time I had to let him punch Ben instead.

"Oh," I laugh. "I punched Gideon's brother in the face."

Harper crouches like a monkey on the couch in excitement and she hasn't even had a lick of alcohol yet.

"Wait, hold up. What?" she shrieks.

"He was a dick, so I punched him."

Zelda tucks her legs underneath her and takes a swig of her wine before saying, "I think you need to start from the beginning. None of us have even met a member of his family, let alone got close enough to punch one of 'em."

"Reese has known Gideon the longest and I don't think he's ever laid eyes on his brother," Harper says. "Though from what I've heard Gideon's not on good terms with his family."

I plop down on the ground next to the table and spread out after putting the cleaning supplies away.

"For good reason," I mutter.

"Why did you get to meet him?" Harper urges.

"I didn't get to meet him. I hung out with Gideon on Wednesday and when we went out to get food we ran into him."

Zelda purses her lips together before she takes another sizable gulp of her wine. "Ignoring the fact that you got to hang out with him on his birthday – continue."

"I'll...explain that," I say with a nervous grin. I knew if I had told anyone else that I was going to see Gideon on his birthday they all would've begged to come with and he would've thrown us to the curb. "Anyway, he was being a prick. He basically was warning me off Gideon because he's a playboy and implying he has a fetish for dead people and also just tried to rile Gideon up at the deli. Just being so rude. And I don't know, I got so pissed and socked him in the face."

Harper cackles. "I would've paid good money for that."

"Dead people fetish?" Zelda gasps.

"Yeah," I say with a heavy roll of my eyes. "His family doesn't like the fact that he works in the funeral industry so I'm sure he was just saying that to get a rise out of Gideon."

"What did he do after you hit him?" Harper asks.

I shrug. "Not sure. I grabbed Gideon and ran before I could find out the consequences of my actions."

As Harper reaches for her glass on the table she says, "Does he look like Gideon at all?"

"He better not be cute," Zelda adds.

I toss a piece of cheese into my mouth. "They don't really look alike. He's like ten years older and a lot stockier. They both have brown hair though."

"And Gideon just stood there?" Harper says.

"Well...here's the thing. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. He was like a different person. And he was so focused on walking away before he did something that he regretted that I don't think he realized what I was going to do. It just happened." I tell them. "We laughed about it after though. I think it helped cheer him up just a little."

I don't add that he broke down crying after that. I don't add what he confided in me. That felt like something he isn't ready to share with everyone just quite yet.

"Well, I'm glad that you hit him then," Harper grumbles into her wine. "Sounds like a real piece of work."

"I'm just surprised you had the balls," Zelda laughs.

"Underneath her introverted-ness is a monster," Harper tells Zelda with a giggle. "When we were seniors in high school she threatened to hit my ex with her car because he stole my car. I wish she had, but she just chased him a little."

"Remind me to never piss you off," Zelda says to me.

"Oh my god, moments like those were so few and far between. I rarely got that riled up unless someone really hurt you." I sip my wine. "I'm generally a calm and quiet person."

"Why were you there in the first place?" Zelda loops back to her comment from before. "We've been trying to get Gideon to do something for his birthday for years and he always shuts us down. I think the last real birthday he celebrated was in college."

"I just went over and do what we always do. He was a little annoyed when he found out I knew it was his birthday, but I played it off that I simply brought the wine for me. And we watched some X-Files." I click my tongue. "Nothing to write home about."

Harper grins mischievously and leans forward. "Did you get him anything for his birthday?"

"No," I tell her. "I brought the wine and wore a party hat, but I figured that would be enough."

"You know that isn't what I mean."

I press my lips into a flat line. The one thing I didn't anticipate with my increased sexual activity would be...well the probing into my sex life from my friends. It doesn't make me upset or anything, but I am thrown off guard every time it comes up. I've never been the type to broach that subject with my friends. I figure the topic is too private to share.

Red flows over my face before I can stop it and Harper's grin turns into something borderline maniacal at the sight.

"Our little girl is growing up, Zelda!" Harper waggles a hand in her direction. "Who would've thought after all this time all you needed was a little list to give you that push!"

I frown and say, "Are you making fun of me?" before I can stop myself.

"What?" she gasps. "No! No. I didn't—"

I wince. "I know I'm sorry—"

"No, Wal, seriously. I didn't mean – I don't – that's not what I meant. I was just trying to be playful..."

"We would never make fun of you, Wallace," Zelda says softly. "I mean, the whole thing with Gideon was our idea in the first place."

"Yeah, we're just proud of you for putting yourself out there," Harper adds.

"Sorry. It's weird because I know how unconventional it is."

"You've always been unconventional," Harper says. "Remember how you somehow convinced the prom committee to put you on the ballot for prom king?"

I nearly spit up the wine I'm drinking.

"Oh yeah!" I roar with laughter.

"Did you win?" Zelda asks.

"Of course I did," I proclaim. "Harper and I got to dance and everything."

My brain has been a mess lately. Of course Harper wouldn't be making fun of me. I knew that the moment the words slipped from my mouth. She's the nicest girl I've met. I can see the hurt on her face at the mere thought that I'd think that of her.

"Sorry, Harper. Really. It was just...automatic."

"It's okay."

Zelda clears her throat. "But did you?" She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "We haven't heard much on the whole Operation Lose Virginity front."

"I – uh – well..." I push myself off the ground and pace, twisting the half empty wine glass in my hand absentmindedly.

'Did you lose it!?" Harper squeals.

"No!" I hold up a hand like I'm stopping her. "No. Not yet."

"So..."

"Well..." I bite the inside of my mouth. "I gave him a blowjob."

Zelda and Harper look at each other, mouths hanging open before they both choke out a mix between a laugh and a squeal.

"Shut up! No way! Details girl!" I'm not even sure which one of them say it.

"I'm not going to say all of that!" I flush.

"I don't mean the nitty gritty," Harper waves excitedly into the air. "I just mean like...was it good? Did he seem to like it? It was your first one, right?"

Everything feels so warm. Is it the wine or am I just that embarrassed?

"I mean, I liked doing it. Surprisingly. He seemed to enjoy it. And yes."

Zelda hops up from the couch and hugs me, forcing me to do a little jump and scream session with her before she runs into the kitchen to refill her glass of wine.

"Is he big?" Zelda calls.

"I don't know!" I hiss. "I mean, I do...but like I don't have much to compare it to. He seems...sizable, I guess?"

I hold up my hand like I'm trying to imagine how he looked in it.

"Is he loud?" Harper grins.

"You guys!"

"What?" Harper looks genuinely confused. "You don't think guys talk about this stuff?"

"They probably do but I don't think Gideon's going around talking about this with the boys. At least, I hope he isn't," I mutter the last part.

"He's not," Harper reassures me. "Trust me. Reese would've said something and right now he thinks you two are doing the who is going to ask the other one out first thing. Which is why I need the saucy details from you!"

Is that how it looks to the others? That Gideon and I are interested in one another like that? Gideon didn't look or speak to me in the same way that David or Marcus did. Nothing about our interactions feels like that to me.

"Maybe you'll be like the first serious girlfriend Gideon's had!" Zelda says as she returns into the room. "I don't think he's ever hung out with a girl this much. And he used to have a regular thing with what's her name?" She snaps her fingers.

"Margo?" Harper supplies.

"I think so?"

With as much as I want to spend time with Gideon, how much I'm finding I enjoy our little arrangement, our X-Files marathons and random food runs, I don't have any jealously over hearing about this Margo. I don't wonder if she's prettier than me or more interesting than I am. Sure, there's nothing more to add to it besides "Gideon used to sleep with a girl named Margo regularly" but everything I've experienced and seen with my friends who have more experience with men would tell me that I should feel some ounce of jealously.

And I don't.

In fact, what I blurt out next seems to confuse the hell out of them.

"I'm not going to date him," I say it like it should be obvious.

"What do you mean?" Harper asks. "It's obvious you two like each other."

"Obviously. We're friends."

"Don't play dumb."

I cock my hip and down the rest of my wine in one fell swoop.

"I'm not," I say. "I don't like him like that."

"Please," Harper dismisses. "You dated Colton and you never had as good of a time with him as you do with Gideon. And you never gave Colton a blowjob."

"I was sixteen when I dated Colton," I say flatly.

"I gave my first blowjob at fifteen, so not a good defense.

I give Harper a pointed look and place the empty wine glass on the coffee table before I move to perch on the window's edge.

"I'm serious."

"Then why are things different with him?" Zelda asks a little bit more delicately than Harper.

"What do you mean?"

"What she means is – clearly you've struggled to connect with guys to feel comfortable even going on a date with them. You've known Gideon for only a handful of months now and you've already hit third base." Harper raises her brows high into her hairline, head inclined towards me in a knowing manner.

"I know that. I just – everyone always says you'll know when you have feelings. I look at Gideon and I know we're just friends. He's important to me, sure, just like you guys are. I trust him and feel comfortable with him. But I can't see myself dating him."

I can see Harper growing more confused, which brings a little crinkle to her nose.

"That's what all girls say when they're in a situationship and aren't willing to admit feelings," Zelda giggles. "But you know, when you like touching and kissing and pleasing the other person and enjoy spending time with them, that usually means you like them."

"Does it?" I tilt my head to the side. "Like I'm not going to deny I'm attracted to Gideon. He's hot. And the idea that we might have sex..." My ears burn a little. "But this! Whatever this reaction is—" I say as I gesture to my reddening face, "—does not happen when I think about dating him. Or anything other related activities outside of what we already do."

"Even though you're basically dating him already?" Harper asks.

"We do friend things!"

"You don't give your friends blowjobs."

"Blowjobs aren't exclusive to dating," I counter.

"Just wait until you lose your virginity to him," Zelda says over the rim of her glass. She reaches an arm up to play with the end of her ponytail. "Then it'll hit ya and – wham! – everything will make sense."

"Unless you lose your virginity to someone else. Like someone you can see yourself dating," Harper adds.

"I literally have not met another man so..." I drawl.

"What about that one dude you were talking to at Zelda's birthday?"

"Uh, what's was his name? David, right?" I peep.

"Yes!" Zelda snaps her fingers. "He mentioned he thought you were cute. I can set you guys up if you want. He's a nice guy."

"Oh, no. That would be weird. He already asked me out and I never answered him."

Zelda waves me off. "Please. It's not that weird. And if you can't see yourself with Gideon, at least give yourself a chance to have fun with someone else. It's not like your arrangement means you can't go on dates with other guys."

Should I? I mean, it's not a lie that I don't see myself dating Gideon. I don't. But at the same time, the idea of spending so much time with someone else feels off.

But the girls might be right.

The whole point of doing this with Gideon is to help me get past my hangs ups so I can have a successful date in the future.

I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by friends but at the same time I'm lonely. I've felt less alone since I've had Gideon in my life, but I keep thinking it's simply because it's new. I'm finally having my needs met. And he won't be around like this forever. He'll eventually find another girl that he wants to spend his time with, and I need to get my shit together if I don't want to be alone for the next decade of my life.

"Okay," I relent.

"Yay!" Zelda cheers and starts tapping away at her phone.

I wish I could muster up the same amount of excitement.

Turning my eyes onto Harper, I vow to change the subject. "Enough about me. How are you and Reese?"

Harper pauses mid chew of a piece of salami and tries not to grin with her mouth full.

"Things are lovely," she says after she swallows. "He's way more submissive in bed than I expect. Well – in many aspects of our relationship so far actually."

Zelda and I exchange a look.

"I could have told you that," I say.

"What do you mean?"

"That's the type you go for," I laugh. "I haven't known him nearly as long as you guys, but he definitely reads to be that soft spoken kind of guy."

"You think? He's a hockey player. I never would've guessed."

"Oh, for sure," Zelda says once she tosses that dreaded phone away. "Reese has always been the quieter of the bunch. He likes it when his girlfriends boss him around. From what I've seen anyway."

"Huh," Harper says. "Well, anyway. Things are going well. He's coming to meet my parents in a few weeks."

"Already tying the knot?" Zelda teases.

"No!" Red overtakes her face for once, and not mine. "It's just they're going on some long cruise or whatever since they are old cronies now. We figured we might as well have them meet for dinner."

"Your parents will love Reese. He's the best of all your boyfriends."

She sticks her tongue out a little.

"What about John?" Harper taunts. "Is he the kind of guy that likes to be bossed around by his girl?"

Zelda taps a manicured finger to her chin. "No – I think we sort of share that role. Then again, we are probably having the most boring vanilla sex because that's what we both like."

"It's not like anyone can compete with Kento and Will. I'm sure those two are all over the place is Will's baseline is anything to go by," I snort.

"Oh my god, no you're not wrong," Zelda groans. "I made the mistake of going on a weekend trip with the guys before we met Harper and they have no concept of shame. They were so loud. And that was well before they were exclusive."

I grin and plop a few more pieces of cheese into my mouth.

"I love them for that. I wish I could have such little shame. Sometimes I admire how completely wild those two are with each other," I admit.

"What's Gideon like?" Harper bites her lip to hold back a laugh.

"How did this come back to me?" I bark.

"Because I never got the dirty details I asked for."

I groan and let my head fall back. If I don't answer her, she's just going to prester me in various different ways until she gets it out of me.

"I wouldn't say he's like any of the other guys," I relent. "He leads a lot and is forward with me, but he also isn't afraid to—" I cover my face, "—whimper, I guess? To sound submissive like that."

"Oh god, that sounds hot," Harper chuckles.

"Shouldn't you know this already? You're the ones that told me Gideon was good in bed."

Zelda shrugs one shoulder. "We weren't close with the other girls that Gideon saw. We never really got the dirty details like this. Though Margo sometimes shared, she was more private. Never could get anything out of her. And when I did it seemed pretty boring vanilla like John and me."

"Oh!" Harper shoots a hand up like she's in class. "Is he kinky?"

"Is Reese kinky?" I throw back.

"He's got a praise kink," she immediately supplies. "And likes being tied up."

My mouth sits parted open in surprise. I didn't think she'd share.

She merely gestures as she waits for me to reciprocate.

"I—" I stumble. "I don't know how kinky he is. I mean, we haven't had sex yet. Though he does have a spit kink..."

"Shut up. Really?" Harper presses a hand to her mouth. "Did he spit on you?"

"What? No," I tell her. "He doesn't like doing that. I asked. He – um—"

"Don't hold out on us," Zelda presses.

"He likes my spit. Like he'd lick it off me when I got a bit too messy giving him his blowjob," I say almost mumbling like a child in trouble.

"Was it...hot?" Harper asks. "It doesn't...sound like it would be."

"Out of context, it probably doesn't sound like it. But it was. Even I was surprised. And he said he'd spit in my mouth if I asked."

"Would you?" Zelda asks.

"Maybe? I don't know. If the atmosphere was right."

"Man," Harper sounds like winded as she leans back on the couch. "If Gideon likes that, I bet he's the kinkiest out of all the boys. You'll have to let us know. Maybe Margo just didn't like all that stuff."

I roll my eyes. "I'll draft you up a damn list."

***

Gideon's been somewhat radio silent since the incident with Ben. When I have reached out to him, he's assured me that he's simply working and hasn't had a lot of time off since he's picked up some extra shifts to shadow the funeral directors. And I'm sure that's true.

Though I know he's working to avoid whatever is going on in his head.

So, in a rare moment of schedule overlap, I find myself facing the temperamental spring Chicago weather with Kento one afternoon instead of Gideon.

He wraps me in a tight hug when we meet up, beanie holding his shoulder length black hair in place. I regret not bringing a hat of my own when the wind starts to pick up and I need to keep tossing it out of my face.

"I finally get to spend quality time with the Wal," Kento jokes as he ruffles my hair.

I toss him a lighthearted glare and drag my fingers through my newfound tangles.

"You act as if we haven't hung out before."

"No," he grins. "But it's been a while since we've done anything. How've you been?"

He steers us towards one of those food trucks that parks itself on Michigan Ave.

With a groan, I say, "Fine, I guess."

"Just fine?"

"No, okay that's a lie." He laughs at my admission. "I'm – I'm worried about Gideon."

Kento orders his hotdog with a frown on his face, quickly sorting out his food before he nods his head in the direction of the lake. We'd only planned to meet up today, not actually anything to do, so I have no complaints when it seems our plans morph into a walk. The weather is sunny and warm for early spring despite the wind, though anyone besides a Midwesterner would not call this weather warm. Part of me wonders if I really need my jacket.

"When are we not worried about him?" he says with his mouth full. "What happened?"

I proceed to give Kento a rundown of what happened on Gideon's birthday, though I pointedly leave out the detailed explanation of the blowjob. That particular fact has no bearing on the story. Kento, to his credit, is a much better listener than the girls – he keeps his mouth shut until I'm finished. His face is the only thing that betrays him, morphing into various states of shock or anger.

"I hit him pretty hard, but I doubt that is going to deter him from being a dick in the future," I say as I give my right hand a once over. The bruising is almost non-existent now.

"Christ," Kento hisses. "I'd made assumptions that Gideon's brother was an asshole, but this just proves it."

"You've never met him either?" I ask.

He shakes his head and shoves the rest of the hot dog into his mouth before tossing the wrappings into the nearby trash.

"No. But Gideon...well—"

"Well, what?"

"I don't want to ruin your image of him. You guys seem like you have something going on." He gestures vaguely at me.

"Kento."

He relents with a full body sigh.

"Gideon wasn't always Gideon, you know? He struggled a lot to get to where he is today. To have a good head on his shoulders. But I hated him when I met him."

How could anyone hate Gideon? I mean, Gideon himself has said that he wasn't a good kid in passing, but I always assumed it was exaggerated. Then again, the complete shift he made when Ben was around, the most likely unintentional harsh glare he had tossed me at the deli...it might make sense.

"Reese and Gideon were roommates, and I'd met Reese in one of our orientation classes. He'd been telling me how much he hated his roommate and when I met Gideon, I could totally see why. Gideon was—" Kento sighs before continuing. "Gideon was a mess for the first year of college. His home life was a chaos if his phone calls were any indication. He smoked in the room and brought girls back without giving Reese a heads up. Barely managed to pass his first semester since he was too busy partying. I mean – we all partied, but Gideon took it too far. It was obvious he was trying to avoid dealing with whatever his problems were by doing all that shit. Like he was trying to fill some void in himself that had been carved out of him or something. I've never seen someone so intent on destroying themselves."

"Seriously?"

I've figured out through the grapevine that Gideon had a rough time. He's said it himself that he wasn't the best kid. But for some reason, my brain had Gideon already reformed by the time he met Reese. The fact that Reese hated him?

Reese doesn't hate anyone. He's too nice for that.

"Yeah, there were a lot of arguments, but Gideon didn't seem to care about much. Granted it was obvious he had a plan for his life, but he couldn't get himself to actually focus on school. His dad must have been notified that he'd been put on academic probation because the two of them got into a heated argument on the phone that Reese overheard. Things started to change after that." Kento throws his head back to squint at the fast-moving clouds in the sky.

"What, did Gideon start to realize he needed help or...?" I ask.

"No, actually," Kento laughs. "If anything, it made Gideon want to rebel more. But I think hearing that fight really told Reese how bad Gideon had it and that he wasn't just a dick to be a dick. So, the two of them had it out."

"Please tell me they had a classic display of straight male aggression."

"Oh, they totally did," Kento enlightens me. "Reese basically just confronted Gideon about everything and laid it out for him and what his life was going to look like if he didn't get his shit together and got himself kicked out of college. Gideon didn't want to hear it though and then they started fighting. John and I lived down the hall, so we heard the commotion and came over to break the whole thing up, but it didn't stop them from shouting at each other."

I rake a hand through my hair. "I can't even picture either of them screaming at each other."

"Yeah, Reese got a split lip and Gideon a grand ol' shiner."

"And how did that make things change?" Sounds to me like the end of a friendship before it could even begin.

"Reese pointed out that he doesn't need to continually punish himself in place of his family. That being a grade A asshole isn't showing anyone whose boss and – if anything – it makes his dad and brother look right. That he should be kinder to himself. And that he shouldn't treat people around him like shit because how does that make him any different than them?"

"Yikes."

"Yeah. It worked though. Maybe too well. Reese helped Gideon get out his aggression with morning runs. We all started to hang out more. His grades skyrocketed and he stopped partying as much. But Gideon went from one extreme to the other." Kento says. "Even though he thinks we all haven't noticed."

I merely wait for him to respond, watching Kento's face twists as he remembers.

"I'm sure you've noticed by now. He's got a severe martyr complex. And went from venting to us in anger to never telling us anything that he's going through or let us help him when he needs it because he's so worried about pushing us away again."

Oh, I've noticed. And I feel slightly guilty for being grateful he even opened up to me about it.

"You've got that right," I say with a sigh. Once we reach Buckingham Fountain I perch on the edge while Kento spreads his limbs out next to me. "I just wish I could do more for him. I don't think I've ever met someone as vile as his brother. That's not something you can just deal with alone. It's too toxic."

"I know," Kento laments. "But we can't help Gideon if he won't let us. It's already good news at least that he opened up to you even a little bit."

"I guess..."

Kento slams a hand on my back that forces me to sit upright.

"Ouch!"

"Gideon'll be okay as long as we stick by him. He's come so fucking far from where he started. Don't worry."

"Alright," I settle.

Kento pushes off the fountain and notches his hands on his hips. "You wanna go play some mini golf?"

An easy grin overtakes my face and I rise to meet him. "Sure, but don't cry when you lose yet another game to me."

"I did not lose to you in Uno. You cheated."