Connor: Hey bro. I'm ok I promise. I can't tell you what I've done but just know that I'm sorry. One day I'll have the guts to tell you why but for now just... stay away from police officers.

Of course. I didn't know what he meant until this morning. Now that I do, my head is going crazy trying to think of why he would do this. He knew how much I loved Kailin and yeah... I have been hoping she'd call me asking if we could try again. I really hope Connor isn't hiding something from me. Other than the drugs thing. Fuck, is that why Kailin dumped me? 

No. She would have told me if that was the reason. Also who dumps someone just 'cause their brother's dealing drugs. 

When we get home, I head to Connor's room. Looking for anything that the police might have missed. I discover that they didn't leave any stone unturned. All the drawers are pulled out, the floor is covered in pens and pencils and the boxes that were under Connor's bed have been emptied on the bed. 

I have only one thought for somewhere the police might not have checked. It's where I keep my journal. Yeah I journal, when you've lost your parents and moved from place to place let alone living with Chris for 3 years, it's nice to have at least one consistent thing in your life. I keep my journal under my mattress. That's the one place no one would ever look. I hope.

I lift up Connor's mattress and....nothing. I sigh and I'm about to put it back down when I see something. A small scrap of paper, stuffed down the back of the bed. I lean across and grab it, desperate to read something from my brother again. 

It's not recent. It's a letter that's dated about 4 months ago. It's addressed to Kailin. Why the fuck was Connor writing a letter to my girlfriend? I hope it's something innocent 'cause right now this looks bad. I read what it says:

Dear Kailin,

I really think it's time we tell him. I know you don't want to but it's for the best. If he finds this out for himself he'll be heartbroken. He won't trust me again. I've had to hide this from him for 2 months now. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it quiet.

I know how much he loves you, hell he never stops talking about you, but this has to be the end. You need to decide who you want to be with. I'll let you have a month until I tell him myself. He deserves to know Kailin. I know he'll be devastated anyway but you need to do this. 

He'll get over it eventually. Besides, you clearly don't love him that much if you're

The letter is ripped underneath that but I can see that this wasn't the end of the letter. 

"FUCK" I shout. If Chris hears he doesn't do anything. 

I start turning things upside down. Crashing around in Connor's room, desperate to find the other half of this letter. There's nothing. 

From what I've read it seems pretty obvious to me what that letter was about. I'm sure you're not stupid either. You know. Connor stole my girlfriend.

Yeah, I don't want to believe it either but that's what it says right? Maybe that's why he ran away, to be with Kailin. Maybe he really didn't kill her. Maybe it's all a lie. He might not have anything to do with it. He can't have killed her. HE CAN'T.

I need to breathe. I need to get out. Out of this room. Out of the house just out.

I run from Connor's room and head for the front door. Chris calls out to me but I don't tell him where I'm going or why. I just need to get out. 

I open the front door and I run. Run without knowing where the fuck I'm going. Run without caring where I'm going. I can't be in that house. Everywhere in there reminds me of Connor. Everytime I hear Chris shout, all I can see is him shouting at Connor. I can't do this. I need him, I need to see him or hear him. I just want my brother to come back. I don't care if he's a murderer. He's literally all I have. 

I do something I've never done because Chris forbade me from doing it. I call him. I call Connor's phone. Knowing what people do when they've gone missing he won't answer but even if I could hear his voicemail it will make things better. I just need to hear his voice. Even if it's not right now. Even if he doesn't know I'm listening. 

It rings. It rings for ages. I wait, wait for it to go to voicemail. I'm about to do it. I'm about to hear his voice again.

Connor: Hello

I listen, waiting for the usual "Hello this is Connor I can't answer now but tell me who you are and I might call back later. If I don't like you then you can fuck off. Thanks."

But there's none of that. There's silence.

Connor: Hello?

Roman: Connor?

Connor: Yeah?

Roman: Oh my god it's you!

Connor: Yeah you kinda called me

Roman: Yeah but I didn't think you'd fucking answer

Connor: Woah Roman swearing? What the fucks happened to make you call me anyway. I kinda figured you didn't give a shit.

Roman: What? Con I love you of course I give a shit. You've been gone for 3 weeks. I needed to hear your voice again. 

Connor: Aww cute. Why did ya need to hear it now of all times. Took you this long to miss me.

Roman: NO. I missed you from day one. Chris forbade me from calling you. Said he'd kill me and you if he went to prison for child neglect.

Connor: Sounds about right. Is he still being a shit foster dad then.

Roman: Yeah, of course. He shouts at me all the time. Mostly asking about you. Telling me not to try contacting you or anything. 

Connor: And you did it anyway. You little rebel. I'm ok though I swear. 

Roman: Yeah you said in your text. I um... found this letter that you wrote. To Kailin...

Connor: Did you find anything else while you were hunting around my room?

Roman: Con, the police know about the drugs. 

Connor: Fuck

Roman: That's a bit of an understatement. You had like a whole business going on. How long have you been dealing for?

Connor: About a year. 

Roman: Shit. Anyway that can wait now, about this letter. Were you and Kailin....?

Connor: What? 

Roman: Were you and Kailin dating?

Connor: WHAT NO! Fuck. Ro, I would never do that to you.

Roman: Then what did you mean by this letter?

Connor: The one from about four months ago?

Roman: Yeah. Are there others?

Connor: NO! Ugh fuck how do I tell you this down a fucking phone.

Roman: You open your mouth and words come out.

Connor: *Laughs* Fuck off Ro. This is hard to say as it is. *Deep breath* Kailin was....

Roman: What?

Connor: Kailin was dating someone else. As well as you. She'd been seeing someone else for about 2 months by the time I wrote that letter. I was going to give it to her to force her to break up with you if she was gonna cheat. 

Roman: How did you find out? 

Connor: I saw her kissing them at Chipotle. 

Roman: So you're the reason she dumped me?

Connor: No! I convinced her to choose either them or you. Obviously you know who she picked. 

Roman: Who was it anyway? Who she cheated on me with?

Connor: It....it was....Ro I don't know who it was but all I do know is...it was a girl.

Roman: She was a secret lesbian?

Connor: Or bisexual. I mean. I don't think she could've hid been lesbian for that long. And from what I saw she really loved you.

Roman: Con, did you kill her?

Connor: *Deep breath* Yes.

Roman: Fuck. Why? How could you?

Connor: That's the one question I can't answer Ro. There isn't a reason. I didn't mean to kill her. I'm sorry. I've got to go. 

Roman: Connor wait!

Connor: I'm sorry Ro I can't. I love you ok?

Roman: I love you too.

End of call. 

My hands are shaking. I look up to see Chris' 4x4 sitting infront of me. 

"Was that him?" He asks.

I nod. There's no point denying it. He'll check. 

He grabs me by the collar and pulls me up. "I told you not to fucking call him." 

He shoves me into the passenger seat and gets in. He locks the doors and starts another of his monologues. The words 'grounded', 'no phone' and 'punishment' are used but I don't give a shit. Whatever he does I don't regret what I did. I needed to hear Connor tell me that he did it. Now that I know at least that he did kill Kailin I have one of the answers I needed. I want to know of course why he killed her, but maybe the truth will come out eventually. After all, Connor can't keep running away forever. And when he comes back, I'll still love him just the same.