THE LAST DAY OF SADIE

I woke up already feeling exhausted.

There was now so much on my chest. Tegan was never in my body, which meant that neither was Clarke or the others. That also meant that whoever I was today wasn't currently stirring awake in my bed in Iowa.

So it was at that moment where it all became official; I would have to travel back home to figure this all out.

As I scrambled out of the bed, ignoring the walls that were the color of pee, I fell at the computer. Without hesitation, I was opening up Facebook and Instagram. My passwords weren't coming to mind, so I was forced to view my accounts as an outsider. And what I saw wasn't all that relieving.

There was nothing.

Since had I become Tegan, a whole week ago, nothing had been posted. This was strange. It was as if my mind and body had been disconnected from each other. My mind was here in the piss-yellow room, while my body was MIA; it might not even be in Iowa.

There was no indication of where this yellow room was located, but I had never felt farther from home. I still stared at the computer screen, rubbing my eyes from haziness, in hopes that I'd stumble across my old life somehow. Right then, I could so perfectly envision my bedroom back home with the basketball hoop on the door and the posters on the ceiling. I closed my eyes to feel the vision encompass me.

There was the old VCR on my dresser that Nell and I would watch movies on. There was my space-themed blanket that my mom would tuck me under when I was younger. There was the doorframe where my dad would mark my height.

I had so many memories there, and at that moment, all of them seemed fond.

A few tears dripped to my chin. I missed everything. Were my parents worried about me? Was Nell?

I couldn't imagine what it looked like from their perspective. If no one was there in my place, did it look like I had run away? That I had been kidnapped? Did it look like I was dead?

I had to communicate with them to let them know that I was physically sound, but could still use some help figuring out how to reverse what had happened to me.

The problem was that I didn't know how to pull that off. With me locked out of my Facebook and Instagram, I was limited in my options.

There was a Skype icon on the bottom of the laptop screen, but I doubted its usefulness to me. Could my family and friends believe it was me if all they saw was a stranger's body? If all they saw was the owner of a pee-yellow room?

The chances of that working in my favor were low, but I still wanted to see a familiar face or two. Even if they accused me of being my own kidnapper or something just as terrible, it would do me some good to be reminded me of my old life.

So if face to face contact wouldn't do, I would send out a letter. I cracked my knuckles before typing on the laptop again.

Similar to before, I couldn't remember the password to my email, so I settled with the account that belonged to the owner of the laptop. From what I could tell, her name was Ramona Linden, but she would also be my opportunity to contact whoever I needed. The first email went to Nell.

My fingers paused after I typed in her email address, hovering over the keyboard. My brain wasn't ready to mold my thoughts and feelings into intelligible sentences. Never before had I been at a bigger loss for words.

How on Earth was I supposed to write this thing?

I typed the following words slowly: 'Dear Nell, I'm so sorry,'

Right then, I stopped myself there. What did I have to be sorry about? As far as I knew, nothing I did caused this, but it was instinct at this point to apologize to Nell. We were often bickering for tiny things, and maybe I did have something to apologize for. After all, I did break into her house once.

But excluding that accidental home invasion episode, I couldn't quite recall a recent moment where I screwed up. My last chance to see her had obviously been the Last Day of Sadie, as I was now referring to it as.

I thought back to that day, trying to remember what exactly had gone down. It left a sour taste in my mouth; were my actions that day that despicable? If so, my apology letter to Nell should've went out a week ago.

I had been in the school gym. It was one of my basketball games. I managed a cheer for my team, but then was met with Nell's gaze. She had shot daggers at me the entire game, and now we were having an entire conversation in just passive-aggressive facial expressions.

It had started with a raised eyebrow on her part. She was sitting on the bleachers across the gym from me, but had looked up at the right time to see it.

Oh crap.

The thing was that I wasn't playing in the game per se; I was on the bench. I won't lie, during this season, my butt and the bench had become great pals.

Nell and I locked eyes. "Can we leave?" she mouthed with a jerk of her thumb towards the door.

I started to twitch out. "No, not yet," I mouthed back to her.

A girl on the opposing team made a basket and I squirmed in my spot.

Nell hadn't accepted my answer. She waved her arms around to get my attention, almost sending her poetry book flying off of her lap. I couldn't pretend that she was invisible for much longer.

With a sigh, I slid down to the other side of the bench and met Coach. "Hey uh," I started.

Too many of my conversations to Coach had began just like that. Mote often than not, they were me asking if I could be put in the game.

"Do want you want, Arlo," Coach cut me off. He gestured to Nell on the bleachers. "Stay, leave, whatever."

With that answer, I picked myself up from the bench. Nell had been watching my every move like a cheetah and its prey, so was already halfway out the door.

She took off towards the parking lot at way too fast a pace. My short legs couldn't keep up. 

"Slow down!" I yelled at her back. "What's the hurry?"

I wasn't given an answer until Nell had pulled herself into the front seat of parents' minivan.

"Sadie," she said, shutting the driver's door. "I can't take it in there."

"You could have waited outside," I said, settling in to the passenger's seat.

She tugged on her seatbelt. "But we agreed that basketball wouldn't get in the way of us. It's so boring watching your games and practices."

I cranked my head in her direction. "Do you have no one else to hang out with when I'm playing basketball?"

Nell rolled her eyes. "You know I don't. You know damn well that everyone else kinda sucks."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, face forward again. "You should get a hobby or something. You could make new friends and-"

"Excuse me? I have hobbies."

"What?" I chuckled, earning myself a stern look from her. "You mean writing in your poetry book?"

Through my stifled laughter, Nell wrapped her fingers around the steering wheel. "As a matter of fact, I do."

I rested my face against my first. "Well, how's that any better than me playing basketball? You write by yourself. I play with other people. Maybe if you let people read some of your poems-"

"Oh, come on," she interrupted. "Don't think you're all high and mighty just because you're a benchwarmer." Her grip around the wheel loosened and she leaned backwards in her seat. "No one on the team actually likes you, you know."

"What about Natalie then? She's my friend."

She crossed her arms in front of her. "Natalie doesn't count. She still plays with dollhouses. Why would you rather hang out with a complete weirdo than with me?"

My arm fell back down my side. "C'mon," I groaned. "Don't act like this."

"Don't act like what?" She picked at her nail polish. "I'm asking a very reasonable question here."

"Do you actually need constant validation that you're my friend?"

"No, I just want to know why you like wasting your time so much. You're with weirdos on a bench for a few hours. How's that fun?"

"Nell-"

"And you'll never get played," she continued. "You're just so short."

"My height doesn't matter."

She laughed to herself. "Oh, yes it does."

I sighed and gritted my teeth. In an instant, I had unlocked my door. While she had her laugh about how short I was, I hopped outside. When my feet planted against the grass, Nell called after me.

"Hey! Wait a minute," she said, jumping out of the car and matching on after me.

"No," I mumbled, retreating back to the gym. Maybe I'd still be able to catch the rest of the game.

I felt something tug at my arm. "Yes," Nell said, pulling me around so we were facing each other. With our faces as close as they were to each other, all I could focus on was the large birthmark on her nose.

She drove the toe of her sneaker into the dirt. "Don't be mad at me," she said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I'm just looking out for you. You wouldn't last long without me."

"It doesn't look like you're looking out for me."

She bit her lip. "I don't want it to go like this, Sadie."

I pulled against her grip around my arm, setting myself free. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I spun around and continued my walk back to the gym. I didn't give her a response.

"Good luck getting home," Nell mumbled at my retreating back.

I gave her the finger and kept walking, feeling the leash Nell had on me grow longer and longer.

Right at that moment, I decided to stop remembering.

How come I hadn't remembered any of this until now? Here I was these past few days, practically bowing in her honor because I missed her so much. Maybe I missed the old version of her, where she didn't try to get me to quit the basketball team. I wasn't too fond of who she was now, an...Adolf Titler.

That was what she had become, an Adolf Titler.

Still staring at the blank email to Nell, I clenched my fists. No words were flooding out of my fingers as I would've hoped. My mind was a stew of more insults for her, but none of them would translate on paper.

I had nothing to apologize for. Nell's mind tricks wouldn't work on me anymore.

With that, I finally knew what to type out to her:

'SCREW YOU.'

It wasn't eloquently worded, but it fit the situation nonetheless. After I sent it to her, I collapsed on top of the keyboard.

None of that made me feel better.