SORRY NOT SORRY

Perhaps the lesson of this body switching garbage was simple: confessing my crimes to Tegan.

I didn't like it though because it just didn't make sense. Tegan was injured after I started to switch bodies, hinting that there actually wasn't a lesson and that this was just the universe's fault.

I was blaming the universe again, and I was stalling on purpose. I needed to get my shit together.

At a snail's pace, I walked back to Tegan's room, but even that took all of my might. With my heart pounding like a drum, I stopped in the doorway and just stared at her.

Brilliant, right? Let me tell you, the best way to get something off your chest in front of someone is to not say a word and just stare at them.

That method worked for me, but it was about thirty seconds give or take, before I eventually got Tegan's attention.

"You're back," she said, even giving me a smile.

Did she have to be so nice? That made me look like an even bigger jerk.

I took a deep breath, but I couldn't get my tone quite right. "Do you want me to apologize or something?!" I yelled.

Tegan's eyebrows knitted together. "Why would you apologize?" she asked, "you did nothing wrong." She flashed her puppy-dog eyes once more.

"I'm the reason you're in this hell hole," I said, "don't you understand?"

And why would Tegan understand? What I was about to explain to her will land me a bed in the same hospital.

At that moment, I didn't know what was more embarrassing. Was it the fact that I was shouting at her for no reason, or the fact that I had to tell myself this?

Tegan, of course, didn't say a word. Instead, I got a new version of her puppy-dog eyes. The new element was that this time, she also looked confused as hell.

"Listen!" I screeched at her.

She slipped underneath her covers.

"Listen," I said softer. "This sounds absolutely insane, but its true. I don't normally appear in this body, cause I am not a boy. You understand?"

That was nearly impossible to comprehend.

"Okay," Tegan whispered.

"My name is Sadie Arlo," I continued, "But one day I wasn't Sadie anymore. Well, I mean, I'm still her, it's just that I woke up as someone else. I was you, but still me. My mind was in your body somehow."

I glanced back at Tegan and looked for any sign of her understanding where I was going with this. Only half of her face was peeking from the covers and her puppy-dog eyes were very apparent.

"I know that this sounds stupid," I said, "but I want you to believe me. Please, just believe me."

"Okay," she whispered again.

"I didn't believe it at first either. I actually thought I was in a dream, so I tried to wake myself up."

Tegan revealed the rest of her face from the underneath the covers. "Wake yourself up? How?"

"By uh..." My mouth went dry. "By jumping out of a window."

"Did it work?"

"Sort of." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Have you ever had a dream where you fell? Well, right before you hit the ground is when you wake up. But I didn't wake up, and that's when I knew that I wasn't dreaming."

"Wait, you said you jumped out of a building? Where was this building."

"It was at your school." I fidgeted and stared at the wall behind her. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

My face fell into my hands and I began to sob. I looked ridiculous.If you're fifteen and you're crying like that, you're pathetic, and even more so when you're in a boy's body. Boys weren't allowed show any sign of vulnerability.

"It's okay," Tegan replied weakly.

What? Did my ears deceive me?

"You actually believe me?" I asked, wiping the tears off. "Why though?"

We looked at each other and she shrugged. "I don't know," Tegan said. "I think that I like it better than the thought of me trying to kill myself. I don't think that I'm capable of committing suicide, I'd be too afraid."

"Are you serious?" I scoffed. "You're fine with this? But I could've killed you!"

"But you didn't," Tegan said.

I stared at her eyes in disbelief. Was this real? What if I was dreaming again? Or what if Tegan and I didn't switch bodies and there was no one in my own body back in Iowa?

"You don't remember a single thing from that day?" I asked Tegan.

"How long ago was it?" she responded.

"Well, let me think. First I was you, then I was Clarke, next I was French Girl, Mason, Allison, Paul and yesterday I was Melissa. That was seven days ago. What do you remember from then?"

Tegan, I could tell, pondered hard on that question. Her eyes remained focused on her fists and she didn't say a word.

"I remember the day before," she said finally, "My parents took me to this modeling audition thing, but after that its all a blur. My next memory is waking up here."

"Huh," I said, "I was hoping that you and I switched bodies or something. I don't know where my body is." My heart sank and I felt gloomy.

"How will you find your body again?" Tegan asked.

"I have no fucking idea, "I mustered out.

Wow. This was the depressing reality of it all.

"So what were you like before all of this happened? You know, when you were still Sadie?" Tegan asked, changing the subject.

"Well I'm still Sadie," I said, half defending myself.

"I know that of course," she said, choosing her words carefully, "Well, uh what did you like to do for fun?"

"Basketball. I'm on my high school's team," I said, feeling distant.

Tegan gave a little smile and looked down at her fingers.

"So what about you?" I asked, trying to turn the attention to her. "Do you like basketball too?"

"No, I'm not much of a sports person," she responded without picking up her head.

"Oh okay," I said, feeling kind of rude.

"My parents didn't want me to hurt myself," Tegan explained, "I'm an aspiring model and my body is kind of important."

That would have been great to know before I jumped out of that goddamn window.

"A model? That's neat," I said, hoping my disinterest wasn't too obvious.

"No. It's really dumb actually," she said, brushing it off.

I didn't argue with her, I just didn't understand the hype behind the whole modeling world. There were the obvious things, like how they portrayed impossible beauty standards, but then there was the fact that some people called themselves, "professional models". How can you be a "professional" model? How do you pose for photos at a professional level? Man, I think my inner repressed rage of finding out that I was too short to be a model was finally coming out. What a weird time too, I hadn't wanted to be a model since I was eight.

"I shouldn't have said I was an aspiring model," Tegan said a few moments later. "I kind of hate it. I can't eat anything and my mom practically makes me wear bubblewrap everytime I leave the house,"

"Oh yeah. I remember your mom being really aggressive. Is she like a tiger mom or something?"

"I wouldn't say that," Tegan said, stretching out her words.

"But she likes forces you to be a model? That's kind of messed up for your mom to do that."

"Can we stop talking about my mom?" Tegan asked, clearly upset.

"Okay, okay," I started to say, "All I'm saying is that it's screwed up if you ask-"

Tegan gave me her sad puppy dog eyes and I felt bad. I shut up right then and there.

Neither of us said anything next. There was this annoying silence that was lingering in the room.

"Sadie?" Tegan asked, breaking the silence, "I'm sorry."

"What for?" I asked. Shouldn't I be the one apologizing?

And the truth was that I should've been, but I wasn't a big enough person. Nell was one hundred percent right when she said I had a crappy moral compass a few months ago.

"You kind of saved me," Tegan admitted, "And look, you're right, you're super right. My mom forces me to be a model and I hate it."

"But how did I save you?" I asked.

"You jumped out of that window. Something that I would've never had the guts to do myself." she said, staring directly into my eyes.

I couldn't look away from her for a long time.

This girl was insane! She couldn't have been serious.

But when I didn't reply, Tegan continued on her train of thought. "Sadie, I want you to take a look at me. Do you know what you see? You see my broken body. I'm broken all over. Even if I heal well, I'm still going to have a bunch of scars. No modeling agency is ever going to want me now."

"So I did you a favor," I said, trying to figure out her thinking. She gave me a nod in response.

But when nobody was talking, I got to thinking. No matter what, I just couldn't understand Tegan's reasoning. My biggest injury was jacking up my elbow in basketball two years ago. I cried a little and cursed the day I was born. I was completely over the top and my parents called me a drama queen ever since. And besides that, I couldn't remember any other notable injury. If I acted that way over a bruised elbow, then Tegan couldn't be fine like she claimed to be.

But she and I continued to talk for a long time and I have to admit. It was such a relief. There was no need to pretend to be whoever's body I was in, Tegan was a fresh face, and with her I could just be Sadie. We talked about everything and I saw her as more than just an acquaintance, Tegan was a friend.

"Okay, so this is kind of a depressing question," she mumbled as we played a new card game.

"Yeah?" I glanced at her, but to be honest, I wasn't really focusing on her. I was focusing on winning the card game we were playing. Yeah, it was a little unfair considering she had one arm in a cast and a possible brain injury, but I was still going to crush her.

"Do you think that you'll ever be Sadie again?" she asked. "Or will you just be stuck in other people's bodies?"

"I am still Sadie," I said, taken aback. "I never stopped being her."

"You know what I mean." She flashed her infamous puppy dog eyes.

"No, I don't actually," I snarled.

"Okay. Fine. So, you're Sadie, but in someone else's body. What I am asking is do you think you'll ever be back in your body? It must be depressing knowing that there's nothing that you can do." She dropped her cards to the bedspread.

"Are you serious? There's a way out of this, I'm sure." I rolled my eyes, just like Nell would have in such a situation.

"And I just thought, you know there is a possibility that you could be stuck like this forever," Tegan said, talking to herself at this point. "What if you die in someone else's body? That would be horrible and there's nothing that you could do."

"I'm not just going to let myself lose like that, Tegan," I said, intervening on her depressing thoughts. "I'm going to find a way out of this."

"But how?" she asked with her puppy dog eyes.

"I don't know. I'll figure it out."

"See? That's what I'm saying. You're stuck like this. If I were in your place-"

"Yeah, yeah I know," I interrupted, "If you were in my place, you wouldn't do a thing. You would just sit there and complain. You would think that you were the most miserable person on Earth."

"But don't you think you're miserable?" she asked.

"Sometimes," I admitted, "But I'm not just going to sit on my ass and give up like you. I mean, c'mon Tegan! Your mom made you take up modeling and you didn't do anything! I spent a few goddamn hours in your life and apparently fixed all of your problems. What did you do? You sat around and felt bad about yourself. How are you ever going to succeed in life like that?"

Tegan's puppy dog eyes made another appearance, yet no words came out of her.

"This is what I'm talking about Tegan," I told her, "I'm basically harassing you and you're just sitting there. You got to stick up for yourself! Get angry instead of depressed once in awhile."

She still sat there silent.

"I'm the reason why you're in the hospital in the first place! Did you let me have it? No, you just totally accepted it. You were like 'someone just ruined my life, but that's fine because I don't have to model anymore'. Why are you like this Tegan?" I threw my hands up in defeat and not a single word came from her, just those dumb puppy dog eyes.

"Enough with those sad eyes of yours!" I yelled at her.

Tegan didn't stop.