Our food arrives, a special sort of brunch menu that looks very appetising, with a small bowl of soup, salad, chips and chicken prepared in a way that's looks really nice. We only get water to drink because Niall is driving and it's not fair I drink alcohol when he cannot.

I have to admit, even if the food is nice and the place comfortable, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth and it gets worse when I look at Niall. He's in front of me, smiling happily and looking excited, almost as if he had been looking forward this moment all his life when it's not even a proper date.

I can't say I knew Niall the best, we spent just a summer together. I never got to deeply know the boy I fell in love with, I was just starting to. However, something I did learn was that Niall is an honest person, very transparent and open. It's not difficult to realise what he's feeling or thinking, and he doesn't hide his emotions. He isn't the coward type and when there's something he wants, he goes for it. He opens his heart and says clearly what he wants.

I am a very different person, and it's not false modesty when I say I'm not great either. I'm very human, very flawed. I am selfish and I put myself first, without fully considering the collateral damage of my decisions. I am narrow minded and stubborn, and it's hard for me to accept something that's different from what I think, it's really hard to accept I'm wrong about something I deeply care about or firmly believe in. I'm a coward when it comes to my own feelings, not knowing how to deal with them in an optimal way, getting scared of taking a step forward, and scared of commitment. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm not an amazing or charming person, certainly I'm not the best pick.

When I chose my own freedom and wellbeing, I didn't really consider how hard it was going to be for Niall. I told myself he would be better, he would move on easily, he had such a hectic life with a thousand better options out there. Moreover, I didn't think the time we spent together could mean that much to him as to leave a deep and ugly scar when we parted ways. I never imagined he would keep me in his thoughts for seven year, waiting to see me, hoping to have another chance. I never fathomed the impact I had caused in his life.

It's both so joyfully surprising and overwhelming.

I know I missed him, I know it was harder than I anticipated for me because I underestimated my own feelings for him. I don't regret it, but I reckon I never acknowledged the true extent of what he wad. It seems I also underestimated Niall's feelings and commitment.

As I eat my food now I think for the first time, seriously and with some regret, that I could've done things better. I knew that I couldn't properly stay with Niall, I was a toxic person by then and I needed to help myself first, but maybe I could've been less harsh. I could've kept in touch, I could've reached out for him first. I'm sure Ann would've helped me to get in touch with him if I wanted! But I never considered it. I cut all ties and never thought that I could've been gentler about it.

I regret that. Not my decision, I regret the pain I caused Niall that extended for more than I could have ever imagined.

"Is there anything wrong?" Niall asks, probably because I've been staring at my food for like five minutes without touching it. "Don't you like it? I can ask for another thing."

"No, no, it's not that," I reply, looking up and meeting his eyes. "I was just... caught thinking, that's all."

"What were you thinking about?" Niall asks, a little smile and honest curiosity in his eyes.

"That I underestimated us back then." Niall doesn't comment on what I said, he just stares at me in a silent request to elaborate further. "I thought it was just a summer romance, my first love. When I decided to break up I didn't think it would be hard to move on, that even after years we'd be in each other's minds. I never imagined that you would still harbour some hope to start over."

"Young love doesn't always mean unimportant or weak," he comments casually and I nod.

"I guess. It's just... we barely knew each other and yes, we had fallen in love but the amount of time we were together was so little that I never even considered it would be like this. I never imagined it would mark us in any way."

"It's not always about the duration of the events, but the meaning of them. I believe even if our time together was brief, it was very meaningful. How I felt with you is something I could never feel with anyone else. I tried, but it was just irreplaceable."

"I... I never felt like that again, either," I confess because even if I fell in love again, it was never how it was with Niall. "But I justified it saying it was because we were young."

"Maybe... maybe not," Niall grins. "Maybe we felt like that because we were young, or maybe because it was special. Fateful."

"I still don't like when you get that cheesy, please stop," I deadpan not just because he's making my toes curl with how sappy he's being, but because I can't accept such an idea, it's too much for me.

Niall laughs happily, his eyes glowing with delight and even throwing his head back.

"You're still the same," he muses and I gasp, offended.

"Pardon? I have changed. For starters, I do not reject every celebrity," I point out, being bit more dramatic than I should. "I even follow celebrities on twitter."

"Oh, so now you wouldn't mind if the lads and I did a reunion and got back on stage together?" Niall questions, one eyebrow raised.

"I wouldn't at all. I would even go to your concert. I wouldn't wear merchandising, I have limits." Once again, Niall laughs out loud. "Do you have plans of having a reunion, though?"

"Nothing is certain now, but if the opportunity showed up, I would grab it immediately. I miss those days a lot." His happy smiles shakes a bit. "I loved being in One Direction, but nothing lasts forever, I guess. I love what I do now, but it's never as thrilling as being on that stage with the lads was."

"Some things have to end for new things to start," I speak, trying to comfort him because I can see there's a scar there that still hurts. "If we stay stuck in one moment of life, we'll never know what the future could be. Maybe worse, maybe better."

"I know," Niall smiles sadly again. "It's always been hard for me to say goodbye to the things I love."

The guilt attacks me again, because when he looks at me I know he doesn't mean only his boy band, he also means what happened between us. I get a lump in my throat and the air feels heavy and scarce, suffocating.

"I hold on to things for longer than I should," Niall continues and I don't know if he notices the effect of his words on me. "I know I shouldn't, because that's not how life works and it only gives me a hard time, but I can't help cling to the memories of what it was."

"You... it's not..." I honestly don't have the right words to say and express what I feel in that moment.

"I was the one who decided to cling to us, Ella," Niall adds and now I can tell he noticed the change in me. "I could've let go, tried harder to move but I didn't want to. I decided to hold on to these feelings and the hope that we would meet again. You couldn't have imagined what I was going to do, how I was going to take this."

"I should've tried... to think from your perspective," I breathe out, my chest tight with guilt.

"You were going through a lot and I do believe you did the right thing for yourself, Ella. You had to take care of yourself and find yourself. Sure, I wish I didn't have to lose you in the way, but sacrifices need to be made for greater things. I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself for what you needed to do back then, what you felt was more important."

"How can you still be so kind and understanding?" It honestly doesn't make sense to me, Niall being like this. If it had been me the one dumped, I would resent him for only thinking of himself.

Niall shrugs, sheepish smile on his lips.

"I had seven years to come to terms with it. And regardless, what is done is done, we cannot do anything about that. We can't go back and change the past, we can only deal with the present so don't feel guilty or anything. Live this moment, Ella."

Niall reaches out for my hand over the table, holding it and squeezing it gently, locking eyes with me, smiling kindly.

"Don't look sad, okay?"

"I'm not sad," I refute.

"But you feel guilty and when you look at me you seem sad." I press my lips together to keep me from denying that, because it's true. "Look, we don't need to rush things, we have time to adjust to this, to be in each other's life again. I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend again as if nothing had happened, I asked for a chance to try again, getting to know one another and see if we can start over. Maybe we can't, maybe we're to different and we'll realise it's not like it was seven years ago and we just held on to the memory."

"What happens if it's like that? What if this can't live up to your hopes and expectations? What if we can't feel like we did before?"

"Ella," Niall speaks calmly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of my hand, soothing. "It won't be like it used to be, I know that. I don't know how things will work out this time, but I want to find out. Am I asking too much from you?"

I stare at him with a bit of the weight lifted off of my shoulders, some of the pressure relieved because Niall tells me he doesn't expect us to just magically start were we left off, feeling like we did. He's not holding on to a fantasy, despite he did hold on to the memory of our relationship.

"No, it's not too much," I concede and watch his smile widen.

"Good. Still, if you want to get rid of the ghost of our past we can start again, as if we never met before." I tilt my head, not sure if he's serious about this.

Niall pulls his hand back, sits straighter and schools his expression before holding up his hand again, this time for a handshake.

"Hello, I'm Niall Horan, former international pop start, current composer and song writer. It's such a delight to meet you," he speaks and for a second I just stare at him, waiting for him to burst out laughing, but it doesn't happen.

I laugh when I realise he's serious and he's still waiting for me to shake his hand and follow his game.

"Nice to meet you, Niall. I'm Ella, a recently graduated doctor." I shake his hand comfortably.

"Oh, such a nice catch," Niall comments, making me chuckle. "Would you like to share a meal with me?"

"I believe that's what we are doing," comes my reply, smiling happily.

"Another meal, then? Another time?"

"I'd love that," I accept, still holding his hand and matching his bright smile.

This feels better, less suffocating, to start anew instead of starting over. I like this better, a lot better.

-:-:-:-

I should've updated earlier this week, but it was hectic and stressful. I got to get a general check up and as an Insulin Resistant person, I had to get the insulin curve thing and that leaves me out of it for a whole day. I HATEEEE IT! And other things happened that got me busy and with an eye twitching due to stress.

That aside, I hope you liked this chapter! And to make it up for the wait a little spoiler for next chapter: Ella's friends make an appearance!

That's all, have a wonderful week and enjoy October. 

Bel, xx