I know I haven't updated this, and you might dread the fact that I am updating this.

I thought of this just now after thinking over a conversation from last night.

Someone had asked, "Why does God give us these problems?" He was referring to my comment of how I use my anxiety story to help others.

Our table leader went on and told him this really response. I was so tired at that moment, I don't remember all of it, but I thought of my own response to that question.

Life is complicated. It's messy and horrible. The world is so full of darkness and horrible people that good people suffer.

God didn't give me anxiety. Yes, he made me the way I am, but we have free will. Did I want anxiety? No. I have an anxiety disorder from my 1st grade. I was a shy six year old.

My teacher yelled and yelled at me. Why? I don't know, I wasn't doin anything wrong, I was doing something "wrong" to her. So, I was put in situations where I would do anything in fear that I would do something "wrong."

Did God do that to me? No. My teacher did. She used her free will to yell and put me down. I would regularly pee my pants because I was afraid I would get yelled at if I went into the bathroom. I was afraid to raise my hand in fear I would be told (again) that I couldn't. From then on, I retreated into this comfortable shell of built up walls.

I was all hurting myself by doing that, and at that time, I didn't even know.

In second grade, my mom started homeschooling us.

As I got older, I had this feeling of panic and fear. When I was fifteen, I went through counseling and I found out I have an anxiety disorder. Did God give me anxiety or was it from me giving into that urge to protect myself? That's what anxiety is, it's a fight or flight response. That's all.

I just chose flight and hid. I was so fearful, I let my fear control me. God didn't make me do that.

Yes, God knows everything and created us, but he also created free will. He knows who we are, our personalities, He's our Heavenly Father. He knows us.

Unless we live in sin, then God doesn't "know" us as He can't be with sin. He is sinless.

But that's a whole different topic. This is "why do bad things happen?" The answer is free will.

I chose to give into that fear and now it controls me. My anxiety led to depression.

Five years ago, I would have died. In middle school, I had a thought. I had a thought of suicide and self-harm.

I gave into that thought.

So, I would get closer and closer to the edge called death. I would closer and closer to killing myself.

Did God want that? Did God let that happen? No and no.

I fell into this lie of I'm not good enough and I wasn't wanted. God showed me the opposite, He still does. I am going enough, more than good enough, and I'm wanted. I'm also loved. By God and so many others.

I'm still here.

God doesn't make everything go away. No, we have an enemy out there who wants to kill and destroy us. Satan is real. As real as God.

We get tempted, and God says He has given us a way out in those situations, we just need to read the Bible to have that weapon of truthful words to say in our tempted moments.

I still have suicidal thoughts. Only a few people know this, but every time I see a shape object, I want to hurt and kill myself with it.

I use scissors and knives on a daily basis. Those lies don't work on me. I'm tempted, but I think the truth.

God loves me. I'm here for a reason. Everyone who reads this is my reason. I love every single one of you. I am good enough, I'm perfectly imperfect. I am surrounded by loved ones. In real life and online.

Yes, I struggle. Who doesn't? We're human. Even God was tempted when he sent the Son down to die for our sins. That's why Christmas, Good Friday, and Easter are holidays.

He felt what we feel.

I know a lot of you don't believe in God or know the truth, because truth is, you are loved. You are perfectly imperfect. You were created in the image of God. You matter. Whatever you are going through, you will get through it.

I was reading a book about how to help your anxiety and the book said that anxiety will come back, but if you let it be there and not fear it, it will leave again.

We will always be tempted into sin. I'm not perfect. I have sinned and sinned, but by the grace of God, I am forgiven and renewed.

I face a spiritual battle everyday for my soul.

Free will exists so we can willing love the God who created us.

Why do bad things happen to us? Because someone else used their free will to do something and it effects you.

If someone stole all the money at your bank, you lost your money. That was their free will. Their choice to do that.

If someone drinks and drives, someone will get hurt or killed. Is that God's doing? No, He doesn't want us to be drunk and unaware. He wants us to have sober minds, so we can get through temptations.

That is free will.

We are ourselves for a reason. We can choose to ignore our calling or to embrace it. I'm still learning to embrace mine.

Something bad came up today and I was so angry and frustrated, I was crying over it. I started praying and this came to my mind.

We can't wish it go away. In some situations, God has showed he can do miracles, but in my situation? I need to do the work to get through.

I will pray for guidance and help, but I have to study and work hard for it.

If God can do anything, why doesn't he? Because then what is our purpose? Where's the free will to actively seek Him? Where's the love of a Heavenly Father?

If it was forced, would it be love?

I would love to know your thoughts about this, if I can't answer a question, I'll find the answer for you.

I don't mean to throw my "religion" in your face, I want you all to know that this is where I was, I'm not there anymore. I'm still in that pit of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, but I have this amazing Heavenly Father who loves me.

This is more of my story and my relationship with God.

Thank you for reading.

4/12/18