Thinking of my mom, and how I was so fucking selfish and uncaring to her. I would give anything in my power to get her back, or be with her again. I'm remembering how she looked in her coffin at her wake. She was so unrecognizable I thought there had been a mix up. For fucks sake I didn't even say I love her before she died. I had her and then I lost her in a second and it's all my fault. I can't live with myself knowing that I was so mean to her before she left. How could I? I'm can't live with myself. I didn't even see her. If give anything just to be with her, touch her face. When I tried to feel her skin at the wake, she felt stuffed. She felt like plastic. I ran out of that blasted room and sobbed. I feel the same way I did then, my nose is blocked and I feel like I can't breathe. If I die, will I be reunited with her? I know she wouldn't want me thinking like that, but I can't help it. It hurts. My body feels like it's suffocating. I'm so useless and weak I'm feeling physical pain.