~ Chapter 46: I Understood  ~

~ present day ~

[ Justin’s POV: ]

Alfredo ended up having to handle some business back when we were in New York. But when he finally joined us at the hotel in Miami, he already knew about the whole Katie situation and how she was staying with us. Scooter called him beforehand so he knew what was going on before he even got here. When he stepped inside the living room, he gave Katie a handshake, greeted her and gave her a smile that was fake as fuck. Katie then returned to the couch to keep watching television and that’s when Alfredo’s gaze met mine. He made fierce eye contact with me, and I could see his anger flaming inside his pupils.

That’s when I got confused.

Why is he so mad at me? I didn’t do anything to him, and if he’s mad about Katie, I thought he’d support me no matter what. Was I wrong?

“Justin,” Fredo called out, glancing at Katie, whose focus shifted from the television to Alfredo as soon as he spoke.

“Yeah?” I replied.

Alfredo hesitated before clearing his throat. “I’m planning on wearing a certain pair of shoes tomorrow but I can’t find the left shoe. Can you help me look in my room?”

I looked at him, anxiousness rising inside me. I knew that what he really meant was something like, ‘I’m pissed as fuck and you better get your ass into a private space so we can talk without that girl over there listening.’

“Sure,” I sighed before turning towards Katie. “We’ll be back.”

“No, take your time,” she smiled. I gave her a smile back before following Alfredo down the hallway and to his room. Once Fredo shut the door, I braced myself for the worst.

“You are such an asshole,” he spoke calmly, causing my heart to sink. The tone he had said that in scared me. It was the same concept as when children prefer their parents yell at them when they’re angry instead of speaking quietly to them, because the calmness is how you know they’re utterly disappointed in you.

“W-What?” I choked out.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he glared at me. “I heard the rumors but I obviously didn’t think twice about it. All this time, I was by your side thinking the media was really going out of their way to make you look bad, but the joke’s on me because you actually got that girl pregnant…”

There was such sorrow dripping from his voice, and I could feel knots forming inside my stomach.

“I didn’t… I didn’t want anyone to know the truth,” I whispered.

“That’s complete bullshit. You could’ve just talked to me and I would’ve listened. I’m finding out now that all those articles about you fucking some slut you don’t know while high are actually truth.”

“Did you just call her a slut?” I blinked in disbelief. “She’s sitting right outside in the living room!”

“Justin, I don’t trust her!” he raised his voice.

“You don’t have to be a rude little shit,” I snarled.

“Don’t try to turn this on me, man, I have every right to be upset with your sorry ass,” he scolded. “All I want to do is be there for you and you always keep things from me. Always. You always do it and I don’t know why.”

“Why don’t you ever just try shutting the fuck up, huh?!”

“And there you go with your anger issues,” Fredo rolled his eyes. “I think I’m done here.”

He crossed his arms and started walking towards the door.

“Ey, where are you going?” I yelled.

“I’m leaving,” he simply said. “Call me when you realize just how much you really fucked up.”

And with that, he left.

I stood there, staring at the door without a single clue on what to do next. I felt so many different emotions all at the same time. Angry, sad, depressed, scared… Alone.

I clenched my fists and stomped out the room and back into the living room only to realize Alfredo already left. Scooter had done so a long time ago so I guess it’s just Katie and I now.

I didn’t know what to do. I realized immediately that I was unstable again and I couldn’t allow myself to be around Katie when that happens. I need to be by myself so I don’t end up chasing away even more people who care about me.

“Katie,” I called out.

She slowly turned her head to look at me, shifting her attention from her phone towards me. “Yeah? What’s wrong?” she asked.

I stuffed a hand inside my pocket and pulled out my wallet. Opening it, I took out slips of money before looking back at her.

“You should walk around for a bit and see what Miami is like,” I suggested. “Go get some fresh air and take a look at the mall they have here. You could get some maternity clothes if you’d like.” I smiled at her and handed her the money I had taken out. “There’s $400 in there. Do what you want with it.”

Katie’s eyes widened as she stared back at me. “W-Wha—… Are you sure? What about you?”

“I’m gonna be working on some songs here and I’ll be concentrating real hard so I don’t want to keep you here doing nothing. Why wait around and get bored all day when you’re in a beautiful city?”

“Oh my god, um.. Thank you so much,” she said, still awed at the fact that I had given her so much spending money.

“You don’t have to thank me, just go get some pretty clothes or… Whatever you get at malls,” I forced a chuckle.

“Okay,” she gave me a huge smile. “I won’t be back too late.”

“Alright, and don’t forget to buy yourself something to eat too,” I reminded her.

“I won’t,” she giggled, grabbing her purse before taking a step towards the door. On her way to exit the room, she stopped midway and walked back to me again. She quickly wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug, squeezing me tightly. “Don’t overwork yourself, okay?” she whispered in my ear.

I stood there, not knowing what to say. Eventually, I returned the hug and whispered back an “Okay.”

She then pulled away, smiled at me again, and left.

I sighed loudly, feeling slightly guilty. The truth is… I wasn’t planning on working on music. I just wanted to be alone yet I don’t know how to deal with the conflicting emotions inside of me. Even though there was intense anger and sadness pulsing throughout me right now, I somehow managed to behave while talking to Katie. I didn’t snap at her or change moods or anything, I just simply sent her away. And what girl could refuse four hundred dollars worth of spending money in a mall? It was the perfect way to get her to leave.

I stood in the living room for a while, debating over what to do. Maybe I could work on my music, considering it helps me calm down. But how can I align lyrics and beats together when my head is clouded with over 5,000 different thoughts?

I felt a deep pounding in my head, like I was getting a headache simply because I couldn’t process my thoughts and my feelings. Every inch of my body sought deeply to calm down, but I couldn’t think of anything that would.

And then… A solution came to my head.

It was an odd way to solve things—one that didn’t exactly solve anything, but it would calm me down for a bit. Deep inside me, I knew I shouldn’t resort to it, but I couldn’t help myself.

My feet mindlessly began moving towards my room again, and I soon made it inside and shut the door. I opened the closet and pulled out a large towel before rolling it and placing it near the door so that it covered the gap between the floor and the door itself. I then walked over towards one of the bags I brought with me. Leaning down, I zipped it open, quickly rummaging through the scattered items inside until I found a black bag. I could feel my heart pounding loudly inside my chest. With shaky hands, I opened the black bag to find a smaller towel wrapped to cover something up. After unwrapping the towel, I finally found the plastic bag I was looking for. A plastic bag that had three unused and brand new, rolled up blunts that were ready to go, accompanied by a lighter.

I dug my hand inside the small plastic bag and pulled out one of the blunts. I stared at it for a while, wondering whether or not this was a good idea. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue like this until I’ve had one of these. So I pulled out the lighter and placed the blunt in between my lips. I lit it up and puffed out smoke into the air before dropping the lighter back into the plastic bag and wrapping the small towel around it again. I hid it back into the black bag and stood up, walking towards the window.

The smell of weed filled the room quite quickly. I sat by the window sill and leaned my head against the window’s glass. I looked out at Miami, admiring its beauty, and it reminded me of when Katie and I watched the night sky of L.A at the party. The party where I made the biggest mistake of my life. Yet I still remember parts of it.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I remember Katie’s voice from that night. She was talking about all the lights complementing the city we gazed at. I remember looking into her deep, blue eyes and I remember smoking with her. Getting high with her. Making love to her. It felt good, but it only felt good at the moment. Once I actually came to my senses, I immediately regretted every single thing I did with her. And I knew that nothing that she, or anyone, could do was ever going to make me okay with what happened that night. I understood that it’s not what I wanted. Even though I agreed to have sex with her at the moment, it didn’t mean I actually wanted to. And saying I don’t know why I did would be a stupid question because I know why. It’s because I was under so many influences I wish I hadn’t been. By her influence, by the drugs’ influences, by the party’s influence, and by the influence of my unstable heart, that felt as if someone was constantly stabbing me in it.

I understood now. I understood exactly what Alfredo wanted me to understand.

I understood how much I fucked up this time.

I took another drag from the blunt in my hands before coughing and letting the air roam around the room. I closed my eyes, feeling myself at ease. The thousands of thoughts inside my head suddenly stopped. At last, there was nothing clouding my head, and I thought about nothing.

I simply smoked and remained with my eyes closed, finally feeling calm and at peace.

********************

Spoiler alert:

Shit’s gonna happen.

What are you guys’ thoughts on the chapter? ;)

- Nina xx