~ Chapter 34: Getting Nowhere  ~

[ Jackie’s POV: ]

It was dead silent.

Justin had shut the car’s engine off, causing it to be even quieter than I thought was possible. I had been fiddling with my thumbs the entire ride, my thoughts replaying the recent memory of Justin and I laying on the grass.

“I’m sorry,” Justin’s voice snapped me out of my trance. I hesitantly looked him in the eyes to see he was staring at me solemnly.

I shook my head slightly, disregarding his apology. I wanted to cry but I knew I had to keep strong, even though I wasn’t doing a nice job considering how much I could feel my body shaking.

I wanted to ask him again. Will I ever see you again?

He never really answered me back at the park. That’s because I already know the answer, and the answer is no. Why would he ever come back to me, knowing how desperately he wants to get away from me? I get it. He doesn’t want anything to do with love and he doesn’t want me to live this life. But I already explained myself to him and he just won’t have it.

So, no. I’m never going to see Justin Bieber ever again.

I mean, I will. But in things like my computer, television or phone screen. Or maybe in a new magazine, spreading more rumors about him. It’ll be just the way it was before I met him. Same old, boring life.

“Jackie.”

I focused on Justin again. His eyes were attentive towards me, but I had trouble even maintaining eye contact.

He leaned towards me, cupping my cheek with his hand. Leaning even closer, he pecked my lips about five times before he leaned back to his seat. I guess that’s his way of saying goodbye.

5 goodbye kisses.

“Stay safe,” he murmured, staring at the ground. I nodded slightly, even though he wasn’t looking at me, and unlocked the car door.

Before stepping out, I took one good look at him. I embraced the fact that he was right here in front of me. I began to pick out every single detail about him—how he looks in person, compared to how he looked through a digital screen. He’s so much more perfect in real life. I could never forget his scent, or his lips, or how soft his hair is and how every time I look at it, I’m terribly tempted to touch it. How his eyes are so deliciously brown, so bright and captivating. How if you caught him licking his lips, you’d barely feel alive because of the way his tongue slides over his bottom lip, making it moist.

I’m really, really going to miss him.

“Bye,” my voice cracked.

Justin’s eyes glistened with what looked like tears. “Bye,” he replied, watching me as I slid out of the car and shut the door. I took a few steps back and saw him half-smile before he revved up the car and left down the street, just like that.

Just like that he stumbled into my life and just as fast, he left.

I slowly turned, taking my time as I walked through the front yard and took out my keys. I blinked repeatedly, trying hard to keep the tears inside. I unlocked the front door and opened it, stepping into the house and shutting the door before locking it again. Through the silence, I could already tell no one was home, and I collapsed towards the couch and stared at the ceiling.

How am I supposed to move on from everything I’ve experienced for the last few days? I was a part of my idol’s life for at least a while and now I’m not. I wanted to help him, but he wouldn’t let me. What’s he planning to do, shut everyone out? Brush off the people who care about him? Who love him?

I sighed, digging inside my pocket and taking out my phone. Of course, I had a billion missed calls and texts from Robin, wondering where I was. I shouldn’t have made her worry about me like that, but I couldn’t think of anyone else when all that’s on my mind is Justin.

My lips quivered and I took in a sharp breath, trying to maintain my composure without letting the tears slip. I decided to distract myself by going on my twitter app, only to find that TMZ was trending… again. I rolled my eyes and clicked the trend, my eyes scanning words. I found a few people who had tweeted a link titled: Yikes! Justin Bieber gets a Girl PREGNANT at Friend’s birthday party!

I scoffed. This is ridiculous. Yet another scandalous article about Justin. Except… What really bothered me while I scrolled down the tweets, was that some beliebers actually believed the article. This has never happened before. Usually, beliebers disregard anything TMZ ever has to say, but these particular fans are pointing out that TMZ sounds legit this time. I scrolled down my twitter feed, mentally agreeing and disagreeing with what people were saying.

@bieberismylifetbh:

don’t hate me but we all thought the weed rumors were false and they ended up being true. still love you, Justin.

@mybabybabyohh:

wtf this is another mariah yeater. The lying bitch probably never even met Justin, yall can stop being dumb as fuck.

@justinbieberrrrrrrr:

IS IT BAD THAT I ACTUALLY THINK TMZ IS RIGHT ON THIS ONE?

          @imconfident254:

          @justinbieberrrrrrrr yes, go die.

                    @justinbieberrrrrrrr:

                    @imconfident254 I’m just sayin.

@thebiebermemphis:

Justin’s like any other boy. He can go out and fuck bitches but when someone gets pregnant? That’s where I draw the line.

@squirrelbeliebers:

YOU ALL LEAVE JUSTIN THE FUCK ALONE AND GO FUCK YOURSELVES HE DIDN’T DO SHIT.

@Justin_bieber_styles:

Why is everyone freaking out? Lol this is tmz guys…

@underscorebieber:

Justin needs to reevaluate his behavior. alcohol drugs and sex? do yourself and find rehab.

          @coconutbiebergirl:

          @underscorebieber you mean do yourself a FAVOR and find rehab??

@futuremrsbieber2:

I’m not quite sure what to think of all this but I just hope Justins’ okay.

After reading a few more tweets, I closed the app, deciding it was enough for today. I then made myself comfortable on the couch before texting Robin and explaining everything to her. Everything. Starting from how I went out in the middle of the night during a rainstorm to check if Justin’s okay, up to the point where I am right now, sitting on my couch.

I knew I’d never see him again. That was something I just knew. Because in real life, things like that doesn’t just happen. This isn’t a movie, this is real life.

But I couldn’t help but have this one part deep inside of me that dreamed and hoped for a day where I could see him again. Where I could mean something to him. Where he’d want me to stay with him, right by his side forever. Where he wouldn’t shut me out. Where he’d open up and let me in. I guess I’m pretty selfish because, whether I’d admit it or not, I want him to feel like I’m the world to him.

And I’d like to think he would never leave me like he just did today.

[ Justin’s POV: ]

I felt like a piece of my heart got lost somewhere along the road. I was alive. I was breathing. I knew my heart was beating but I couldn’t feel it. I didn’t feel alive. I didn’t feel myself breathing. I felt like I was slowly suffocating. Like there wasn’t enough oxygen inside this car to keep me alive. I felt so zombie-like. I couldn’t move yet I was steering the wheel normally. I was driving as any other person would except I felt dead.

I had images in my head of running into another car and causing a car crash. I could see myself bleeding, strapped in the seatbelt with my eyes closed, my body fighting to stay alive.

I had images in my head of me stopping the car, running out to the middle of the street to wait for anything that’d hit me. Depending on the speed of the vehicle, I’d be thrown in the air and I’d hit the pavement. When I land, I’d be half alive. Kind of like I feel now.

I had images in my head safely making it back to the hotel in Los Angeles. The hotel I stormed out of, leaving Lil Za and Lil Twist behind. Except while going up the elevator, I’d go to the roof instead of my suite. I’d walk out, the breeze surrounding me as I’d approach the edge. I had images of me looking down from the roof, the view seeming a lot higher than I know it actually is, and I’d see myself looking at the tiny buildings and the tiny people, feeling like all of them ignore me. Feeling like the world hated me and didn’t care about me. I had images in my head of taking the jump and leaping off the roof. I’d fall and fall until my body plummets to the ground and I bleed into the pavement.

I had images in my head of me dying.

Stopping the car, I pulled up to the side of the road and slapped myself across the cheek.

Snap out of it.

My biggest mistake was letting a tear slip from my eyes. Why? Because it triggered the rest of the tears until I sat there, face buried in my head while I bawled, beginning to feel my heart aching. I hated myself. I hated myself more than I hated anything in this world. I hate paparazzi’s with a passion, but my hate for them is nowhere near my hate for me.

Justin Bieber.

Everybody hates Justin Bieber… Including Justin Bieber.

Why is there a reason I’m still even alive if no one wants me to be? Wouldn’t it just be easier if I just… Didn’t exist?

I’ve thought about it way too often—how the world would be if it didn’t have me. I thought about how much easier people would have it—not having to worry about hearing more crazy shit that I never did but everyone seems to believe I did. I thought about how happier people would live, knowing Justin Bieber was dead.

That’s what they want isn’t it?

All this hate on the internet and cruel jokes about how they want someone to kill me already or how I should just commit suicide. And then I’d always think to myself, if I did that, I’ll be doing exactly what they want me to. They’d win. Why would I let them win?

But then again, they’ve already won. They already broke me. They already ruined me. So what’s the fucking difference?

I’m back to where I started, except worse. No Alfredo, no Alicia, no Jackie. What’s next? No beliebers? Please no.

Whatever life decides to do to me, it better leave beliebers out of the question. If anything were to happen where I won’t have my beliebers with me anymore, I think that’d do it for me—I’ll be gone.

Considering I’m probably all over the news alongside the bimbo I got pregnant, my beliebers are probably really confused right now. Confused? I can deal with that. What I don’t what. What I really, really don’t want… is for them to hate me.

If my own beliebers hated me… I don’t even want to think about that. I don’t even want to think about anything anymore.

I just want to relieve this never-ending pain.

**********************

Sorry for the depressing chapter, but shit may or may not be going down again later on.

(since it’s technically March 1st in some countries…) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JUSTIN!

I hope our idol has the best motherfucking birthday of all time because he fucking deserves it and he’s so fucking sexy can he please come over to my house and I’ll give him some fucking birthday sex.

(sorry you had to read that)

I CANNOT believe he’s turning 20. I’m serious, he was 15 like three days ago, not even joking.

Anyway, now that I’m done fangirling about Bizzle’s birthday, what’d you guys think of the chapter? :)

I hope that little Twitter session made sense to you. Lmao

Love you all and I’ll try to update I Got Her Love sometime next week ❤ 

- Nina xx