Chapter Four

I walk towards Delly's room, hoping that maybe she can help with my current nightmares. Unlike usual, it's not Katniss haunting me. I think seeing her healthy and unharmed in the Capitol has helped to calm me somewhat.

Unfortunately, tonight it's my family who's making an appearance.

I knock on Delly's door, hoping she's willing to take me in. Quietly, the door opens and she shows herself with her yellow hair pulled into a messy bun. "Peeta. What are you doing? It's nearly three." She whispers.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just really need someone to talk to right now," I say. "I thought about going to Johanna since I know she doesn't sleep, but this has nothing to do with her. It's a lot more personal."

Delly frowns, taking me in. "Just be quiet. Quincy is sleeping and I don't want to wake him. He sleeps so little as it is." She says, opening the door wider. Quincy is Delly's younger brother who also survived the bombing of Twelve. Like their family, he has blue eyes and yellow hair.

I enter her room, taking a seat on her bed. I look down at my hands, wishing I had grabbed something to distract myself for a while. Delly sits down next to me, grabbing one of my hands. "What's bothering you, Peeta?" She asks.

I let out a small sigh. "It's my family," I answer. "I've started getting these awful nightmares about them. They usually scream in anger at me as I watch them die in some horrible way. Sometimes it's fire or at the hands of the Capitol. Occasionally, it'll be my mother scolding me for dying in some sick way during the Games and not making her proud."

"Both of them sound pretty terrifying," Delly says, biting on her lower lip.

"I wish I knew some way to make them stop." I sigh. "I don't my memories of them to be tainted by these nightmares."

Delly pauses, her eyebrows furrowing in concentration. She glances over at Quincy then back at me. "We could talk about if you want. That's what makes Quincy feel better when he gets homesick."

"I don't know, Delly. I don't really like talking about them." I say, slightly shaking my head. My childhood wasn't exactly glamorous. Sure, I had enough to eat and a roof over my head, but it wasn't very loving. While other families tried to push away the thoughts of the Hunger Games by singing and dancing, my family pushed it away by only focusing on the bakery and school. Entertainment was rare.

"Only the good things, Peeta." She says, knowing what I'm referring to.

I let out a sigh, thinking it though. It couldn't hurt to try, I suppose. "Do you remember when my dad let us make those dough people with the leftover dough?" I ask, glancing over at Delly.

A smile breaks out on her face. "Yes. He even let us decorate them with some gumdrops and he iced clothes on them for us," she says. "I also clearly remember that one time you came to school excited to tell us about your new job in the bakery."

"I was so excited to get to decorate the cakes." I softly chuckle. My father, with his hands scorned from many fires and calloused from years of baking, took both of mine and taught me how to ice. First, he gave me little cakes to decorate and showed me simple swirls. I quickly mastered them and he taught me new expert moves, which came easily to me. I can still remember the pride in his blue eyes when I showed him my finished design on one of the New Year cakes.

"Let's not forget the time you almost beat Ezekiel in the wrestling championship at school," Delly adds, lightly bumping my side.

"It's too bad I spotted Katniss in the crowd. If I wouldn't have been so distracted by her, maybe I could have beat him." I say. Ezekiel is my brother just two years older than me. We could almost be twins with our matching blue eyes and wavy blonde hair. The only difference is his brute strength and ability to woo girls. He was a catch according to most of the girls back in District Twelve.

"I'm sure he teased you about it for weeks," Delly says, referring to Katniss.

"He teased me about Katniss ever since I came home from that day in music class bragging about how she sang the valley song." I chuckle. Ezekiel has teased me about Katniss for as long as I can remember. It stopped once we returned from the Games. In fact, when I returned home after the announcement of the proposal, he gave me a huge pat on the back and praised me for finally tying the knot. Then he dug his knuckles into my head as I laughed and pushed him away.

"But Roti never let Ezekiel go too far. I remember the few times those two shouted at each other over you." Delly says, softly smiling.

"Roti was pretty protective over me since I'm the youngest. Plus, it was his job to watch over me and Ezekiel," I explain. "When I came home from the Games, he told me how awful he felt since there was nothing he could do to save me. He also told me how proud he was. He added I was allowed to take a few hits at Ezekiel and he'd let them slid since he didn't volunteer for me." I chuckle.

Roti was almost five years older me. He was the strongest out of all of us, carrying the most sacks of flour and helping my dad in the bakery. He was the only one out of us boys allowed to use the bigger ovens. My mother was worried Ezekiel or I would burn a perfectly good loaf of bread. My father was worried about us burning ourselves. I didn't help our case by burning those loaves for Katniss.

"Your mother was really worried about you when you left for the Games." Delly softly says.

"More like she was worried about how work would get done in the bakery since I was as good as dead." I huff, tightening my jaw. My mother was a whole different topic. Unlike most of the kids in school, my mother would not be the first person I'd run to in times of pain. I usually went to Roti or my father.

"Peeta, she didn't think of it like that," Delly says.

"You know my mother. That's exactly what she was saying." I say, my voice rising on edge. I suppose at one point and time my mother truly did love me. Maybe the looming threat of the Hunger Games pushed her too far. Maybe she thought the only way of dealing with the possibility of losing one of us to the Games was to push all emotions away.

Well, she succeeded.

I still have marks to prove it.

"Your mother may have been abusive, but I'm sure there's something you can think of to give her some positive memory," Delly says.

I want to tell Delly off and explain how there couldn't possibly be one good memory my mother has ever given me. Not a single one.

Until I'm hit with a memory I've pushed out of my head.

"Come on, Peeta. Just a few more loaves and we'll be done for the day." She encourages. Back then, my mother's face wasn't so wrinkled. She didn't always wear a scowl and her eyes were a gentler blue.

"How many more is a few?" I ask, tired from working in the bakery all day. My father had fallen ill in the past few days and still wasn't feeling well enough to make the loaves. Roti and Ezekiel had to go to school, leaving me and my mother to do the job.

"About three." She says, beginning to roll out another pile of dough.

I sigh, resting my head on the counter.

Immediately, she scolds me. "Keep your head off the table. We don't want to contaminate the bread with your hair." She says.

I sit up, resting my elbows on the table. I place my head in my hands, longing to be outside with Delly. Her parents just bought her a new bucket of chalk and we had made a plan to draw once the weather cleared up. Unfortunately, that seems to be today.

As I stare out the window, something drops past my face. I gasp, looking down. In front of me is a small ball of dough. I pick it up, a smile growing on my face. I turn to look at my mother, who is trying to keep her smile to herself. "Don't let me see you eat that." She says.

Without hesitation, I pop the dough into my mouth, savoring the taste. Sometimes Dad would let me have a few raw pieces, but I never pictured my mother letting me. In fact, it was rare that she was letting me back here at all. Little boys get into trouble and make messes. There's no time for trouble when there's work to be done.

Once we finished making the last few loaves of bread, my mother began wrapping them in a towel. She places them in a basket. "Now we must make the deliveries." She says, taking my hand in hers.

Usually, Ezekiel got to make the deliveries, so I was excited to be taken along. We went to Delly's house, the apothecary's, and the mayor's. I felt very special to go to the last one.

On our way back, we took a different turn. I was questioning my mother on the inside, afraid to say anything and make her mad. She must have taken notice to my hesitation as we walked down the street because she suddenly began to speak. "You've been a very good boy today, Peeta," she says. "For listening to me and doing your job well, I've taken you to pick out one treat."

We stopped in front of the candy shop, a smiling growing on my face. I was nearly jumping up and down as we entered the store. I ran to every piece of candy, admiring each one's bright colors and sweet smell.

I turn, looking back at my mother. "I can pick any of them?" I ask.

"Any of them." She smiles.

Naturally, I picked my favorite. The peppermint candies. Their red and white swirls tasted so sweet in my mouth. Not only that, but it was very easy to share with my two older brothers, who I greatly wanted to impress.

I look at Delly, whose face has matured much since then. She's filled out her cheeks and her arms aren't as tiny as they used to be. We've both been through a lot since those simpler days.

"There's one memory," I say. So I go into great detail, explaining the day I thought my mother was greatest in the whole wide world. As I tell the story, Delly's eyes begin to droop, but her smile never leaves.

"That's such a nice story." She says with a yawn. Quincy stirs in his sleep, causing both us to jump.

"I should head back to my room," I say. "It's probably almost morning. You should get some sleep."

"You too, Peeta," she says, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Try to get some sleep."

xxx

Even after talking with Delly almost a week ago about my family, they still seem to haunt me.

"You worthless boy!" My mother spits. "You couldn't bother to at least try to make us proud?"

"Thanks for killing us off," Roti says, anger clear on his face. "Because of you, we were killed at the hands of the Capitol."

"You just had to make her fall in love with you, huh?" Ezekiel scoffs. "If you would have just died in the arena like you supposed to, then none of us would be in this mess."

"It's a shame Katniss was forced to marry you," my father joins in. "She should have ended up with Gale. He's the only one who could have saved her from the Capitol. But instead, she was forced into acting as your fiancée and look what's happened. She'll be better off dead than with you."

I jump awake, wiping the sweat from my forehead. My clothes are sticking to me and I can hardly catch my breath. I don't want to bother Delly again, but these nightmares are making it impossible to get any rest.

So, I keep to myself.

I go about my day, wandering around District Thirteen. I miss most of my classes, except when Delly drags me along. Even then I don't pay attention. I don't really see the point of trying to learn their ways here when I have so much on my mind.

My family haunting my dreams with Katniss making occasional appearances. Feeling everyone's disapproving eyes because so far I've been worthless to the rebel cause. And finally, knowing I've let everyone from Twelve down.

"Peeta." I jump, looking for the owner of the voice. My eyes land on Johanna. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?" She asks, walking towards me.

"I could ask you the same," I say. I'm sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall somewhere below the cafeteria. Johanna towers over me, her hands on her hips.

"Please, they can't force me into a classroom if they try," she smiles. She then looks me over, her brown eyes traveling over me. Just another set I've clearly disappointed. "You look like you haven't slept in months."

"That's because I haven't," I say.

She pauses, her jaw shifting in an uneasy way. "Let me guess, Katniss?" She asks.

I shrug. "Partly." When she doesn't answer, I continue. "When the Quell was announced, I was worried about my name being called and Haymitch taking my spot. After that, I was worried about her giving herself up for me in the Games. Then I was freaked out about what the Capitol could be doing to her. Now that I know she's okay, I'm worried about other things."

"What type of other things?" She asks, sinking beside me against the wall.

"Personal stuff," I say.

"Come on, Peeta. You and I both know you haven't been one to hide personal feelings. I'm sure you're the only one in this world to confess on live television your lifelong crush and know that she'd most likely reject you." Johanna smirks, lightly hitting my side.

I chuckle, nodding my head. She's right. "It's just stuff involving my family. I just wish I knew how to make it go away." I say.

"What type of stuff?" She asks, narrowing her eyes at me. I mean, I know I haven't been one to hide my feelings, but this is too much for me. I can't possibly share my nightmares with Johanna. Sure, we've both been through a lot and I know she isn't my enemy, but that doesn't mean I want to spill my entire life to her.

When I don't answer, she stands up. "Follow me."

So, not sure what was happening, I stand up and follow Johanna. She leads me through the crowds headed to lunch and manages to clear a path for us. Her loud voice is enough to scare the citizens of District Thirteen. Once we're through the crowd, I jog up to her side.

"Johanna, what are we doing?" I ask.

"Going to Coin." She says.

"Coin?" I ask. "What is she going to do?"

"Closure." She says, shrugging her shoulder as we hop into the elevator. My mind is so busy rambling with the different possibilities of closure that I don't even notice that we're already in front of Coin's door.

Johanna pushes open the door, making a grand entrance. Inside is President Coin, Plutarch Heavensbee, his personal assistant Fluvia, and Gale. By the looks on their faces, they were talking about something important.

"Johanna. Peeta. What can we do for you?" Plutarch asks, a smile plastered on his chubby face.

"Peeta needs to see Twelve." Johanna blurts out.

"What?" I ask in shock with what she just said.

"Look, you said you need closure. This is the only way." She sneers, glaring at me. Not wanting to anger her more, I close my mouth and look at the crowd in front of us.

"Is this true, Peeta?" Coin asks, her golden eyes locking on mine.

Suddenly, I realize Johanna's right. I need to make peace with my family's remains. I need to say goodbye to them and the rest of District Twelve. This is what I want. This is what I need.

"Yes," I answer, my voice coming out clearer than I intended.

Gale shifts in the seat beside Coin, nodding his head in a form of approval.

"I don't think that's the best idea for you." Coin denies.

"Do you want him better or what? 'Cause I sure as hell know if I was in the districts and I saw a tattered Mockingjay as my symbol as I would side with the Capitol." Johanna says. As much as her honesty hurts, she's right. I'm not exactly camera ready.

"This could be good for him. It might show him we're not the enemy and that we're on his side." Plutarch offers. No. I know who the enemy is and that's Snow. He's the one who destroyed Twelve and killed my family. He's the one who took Katniss and Finnick.

I'm just concerned with what Coin is planning on doing when Snow is gone.

"He knows Snow is the enemy. He's not stupid. I'm worried that this plan will delay him longer." Coin argues.

Before Johanna or I can defend ourselves, Gale speaks up. "Let him go. He needs to see what's happened to our home."

I almost send Gale a smile of thanks, but that seems wrong for what I'm asking for. I'm asking to go and see the remains of our friends and my family members. That doesn't seem like something to celebrate about.

"Fine. We'll take him tomorrow. We'll put Gale and Haymitch in the air," Coin agrees. She then turns to Plutarch. "I hope for your sake that this is what he needs because we're wasting precious resources and risk exposing ourselves for this seemingly pointless mission."

"Don't worry. This'll be worth it. I swear." Plutarch says.

I also hope he's right because if this doesn't work I don't know what will end my nightmares.

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I know, speedy update, but I had lots of time to write this weekend! I hope you guys enjoyed this new chapter! Thanks for reading and for the encouraging comments!