---Patrick---

Everything is down to a percentage.

Forty, thirty, twenty-five.

"Can I see Gerard Way, please?" I ask the office attendant at the front desk. The sign on the wall behind her reads Linda Vista Community Hospital. It kills me a little inside.

"Go ahead, Darling," She says, leaning over the counter, "Room five-eleven."

I know the goddamn room number, lady. Shut up.

I keep my hands in my pockets and my head down as I walk down the hall. This is the second time this month that I've seen him. I feel so... empty...

It's already January, and it feels scary. I feel alone. I feel like a piece of me is missing without him. I don't even realize I'm crying until a tear drips down on his hoodie. It doesn't smell like him anymore. It smells like me. It smells... normal... I... shouldn't get used to the scent. It's pathetic... I'm pathetic....

But I guess I'm kind of beautiful... Kind of...

453, 455, 457, 459, 461, 463... Left, right, left, right, one, two, one, two, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...

"Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating

"Does the pain weight out the pride
And you look for a place to hide
Did someone break you hard inside
You're in ruins...

"One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I,"

I'm not eager to get there. I don't want to be here but... I can't stop myself from seeing his beautiful face... I can't stop myself from hoping he'll be okay. I can't stop my feet from dragging as they continue down this never ending hall. Each step, a new lash with a belt of misery and I hate how much it stings.

485, 487, 489, 491, 493, 495, 497, 499...

The hall is empty unlike how it was when I came here the first time, Mikey and Pete were sitting together, Mikey had tears in his eyes while Pete was trying to comfort him. Joe and Andy were both just staring at the floor, Ryan was trying to console a sobbing Frank, and Dallon and Ray were both crying their eyes out. I never once said hi to either of them. The last I saw of them was when I was screaming and struggling against Pete. Begging him to let me go.

I don't even know how any of them are holding up. I never leave my room. I haven't talked to Frank or Joe or Brendon or Ryan since Christmas. I haven't eaten for... I can't... I can't remember when the last time I ate was... probably a couple days ago...

505, 507, 509...

I wipe my tears and in front of the door that leads to Gerard's room. It's slightly ajar but I know nobody is inside, it's too quiet for someone to be inside... the only sound is the steady rhythm of the heart rate monitor.

I open the door, my hand shaking as I shut my eyes and press forward. I can't look. I can't see what he looks like. His peaceful sleep... It just... hurts and my heart is cracked so much as it is. The door shuts with a soft click behind me. It feels cold pressed against my back. Against Gerard's gray hoodie.

"Hey, Gee..." I whisper. I can't stop myself from finally opening my watering eyes. He looks so... peaceful... just like I thought he would: sleeping and connected up to a few IVs with little nubbins of life support in his nose. They make me sick, but I don't mind... I'll stay here for him no matter how much I might want to puke.

His black hair has been cleaned up, but it's still pretty greasy and messy. I want to run my fingers through the dark locks, but I'm afraid even my touch could murder him. His eyes are shut, his long eyelashes standing straight up. Any moment now, they could flutter open. Any moment now, he could wake up... Twenty-five percent chance is enough... right...? I'm dying to see his brown eyes, the warm color looking straight into mine and actually processing what they see...

His thin, chapped lips are open just partially. Enough for me to suck on his bottom lip for just a split second and run... Enough to sap the taste of coffee with a hint of sugar from them and take them in my own lips... tasting the bittersweet taste and licking my way across his bottom lip, begging for entrance...

"You look beautiful..." I say. My voice cracks halfway through. I can't do this...

You have to. You can do this. I believe in you.

"A-and you're healing..." I look down at the stab wound, it's almost completely healed up, the stitches look ready to be taken out, but I know they're keeping them in just to be safe...

"I came to say hi... I want you to know I've still got some hope... I know I-I said I'd lost hope last time but..." I lean over the bed, my throat swelling and my chest aching, "I'd do anything to get you back, you understand? I'll do anything just to hear you say my name again... I swear I truly am in love with you..."

I choke and crawl onto the other side of the bed, so I'm hugging him, one leg draped over him and my hands pulling him close, "I'm starting to feel a little more beautiful... I... I think I'm beautiful, Gee... Y-you said it so many times... w-why would you l-lie to me...? Y-you don't have a reason to..."

I'm crying now, hard, "I guess I'm just trying to say I'd do anything for you... I want to see you happy again... I don't want you to die on me... You can't..." Deep breath, "I'm trying to stay clean for you... I promise..."

How strong are your promises?

"I-I've only broken one..." I whimper.

And then I lose it and begin crying into this shoulder, "Please G-Gerard, wake up, please... I want to see you again, I want to see your beautiful face, and I want to kiss your soft lips, and I want to sleep with you just one more time... I'll make a million-no a billion promises to just see you awake... I want to go down to see The Black Parade with you, I want to kiss you on the bridge. I-I want you to call me Sugar again. I want to make love to you, I'll even call myself beautiful l-like you always w-wanted... Please, Gerard... S-stay alive for me... Just like Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun said. Just like the song you cried to at Homecoming. Please... I-I'll never i-insult m-m-myself again, and w-we could be happy again...

"W-We could have a boy and a girl... We could name the boy Declan, and the girl Bandit j-just like you wanted to. We could get married and live happily ever a-after in Ch-Chicago... We could b-be happy, and w-we could see M-M-Mikey and Pete and your mom for dinner, and we c-could go on a honeymoon... I could tell you what Pete always p-puts into his notebook. A-anything... w-whatever you want to G-Gee... just wake up for me, Baby... Please..."

Silence.

I kiss his lips. They don't taste like coffee and sugar anymore, they taste like... nothing... the flavor has drained out... they taste like lips... his life is draining out with the flavor...

"I can sing to you, would you like that?" I ask quietly. There is no reply, but I take it as a yes, "You uh... always liked the way I sung. H-How about 21 G-Guns? That was... always my favorite. O-Or Alone Together? Th-That was o-one I made. I saw y-you reading it once. I think you liked it... S-since last we talked, I've added chords and a melody and stuff. Pete helped me with a lot of that..."

I squeeze my eyes shut and after a moment, I part my lips and sing to the empty room, just kind of desperate for some sort of response. I always am, but I really want him to hear this. Maybe he'll wake up this time.

"I don't know where you're going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don't know where I'm going
But I don't think I'm coming home
And I said, I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
This is the road to ruin, and we're starting at the end."

I look up at his resting face, the nubbins supporting his nose, his dark, greasy hair covering parts of his eyes and his hands left spread on the bed. Sometimes, I'll trace the skin and wait for him to wake up. It's a pleasant feeling. Mapping him out before I have to leave, breathing in the fresh, nostalgic air through the window.

"Say, yeah,
Let's be alone together
We could stay young forever
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs

"Say, yeah,
Let's be alone together,
We could stay young forever
We'll stay young, young, young, young, young..."

Verse. Take a breath, shut your eyes, don't cry. It'll be okay.

"Cut me off, I lost my track,
It's not my fault, I'm a maniac
It's not funny anymore, not it's not.

"My heart is like a stallion,
They love it more when it's broken
Do you wanna feel beautiful?
Do you wanna?"

Chorus, it's okay. It's okay. Don't you cry.

"'Cause I don't know where you're going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don't know where I'm going
But I don't think I'm coming home and I said
I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
This is the road to ruin
And we're starting at the end.

"Let's be alone together
We could stay young forever,
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs
Say yeah,
Let's be alone together,
We could stay young forever
We'll stay young... young, young, young..."

I sob into his chest, my body shuddering as I break again. Shattered with nobody to fix me up except myself.

"I love you... I promise..." I whisper, "I promise I won't give up on you. I promise I won't lose hope. The only hope for me is you, Gee. I can't live without you. I feel so empty without you at home... I promise I'll do whatever you want me to. I promise that I'll love you until I die. I promise I won't try to kill myself again. I promise I'm not okay now, but I promise I'll be fine in the future. I promise we'll get kids and we'll name them Bandit and Declan...

"I promise I'll always be here for you... Please, just don't give up...

"A-and I... I've only broken two promises... just in case you were wondering..."

I look up, tears in my eyes, but I'm able to see a boy at the door with a black tulips in his hand and his brown hair shadowing his face as a beanie rests on his head and Pete's jacket hangs on his fragile frame.

He comes in and not a word is exchanged between us. We're both just as broken.