---Patrick---

Why is grief such a funny thing?

It makes you do things you'd never usually do. It fucks with your mind. Makes you think things you shouldn't be thinking. It's like an illness and I'm questioning everything I do. But, it's not like I do much anyway.

Grief is a stupid thing.

No matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I'm always asking myself, "Could I have stopped it?" and, "Where did I go wrong?" and even something like, "Did I even love him?" It hurts me and I don't know where I'm supposed to go.

Grief, in the end, is always hell.

I canceled all my plans with all of my friends. All I do is lay in bed, staring at the wall and regretting everything. Regretting ever meeting Gerard. Regretting the bridge and The Black Parade and the mausoleum and the cafe and the building. I regret ever kissing him that night while the rain poured down on us. I regret ever falling in love. I regret 21 Guns. I regret agreeing to go to that stupid parade with him. I regret telling him about my past. I regret making love to him. I regret ever leaving Dad and Kevin's house for... this...

Now, I'm a heartbroken mess. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't speak unless I'm spoken to. I don't do anything but lay and stare at the ceiling, sleep, or write lyrics.

I've written a few songs. They've all been about Gerard. How could they not be about Gerard? I wrote them in the book Pete got me for Christmas. I also wrote down the lyrics to The World is Ugly. Gerard and I's lullaby.

When I read through the notebook now, I see all the songs I've written (I copied Coast and Alone Together and From Now On We Are Enemies from my spare papers into the notebook). The first song is Alone Together, then Coast, then From Now On We Are Enemies. After that, I wrote in I Miss You by Blink-182 when I had no inspiration. When I was feeling especially depressed, I wrote one called Golden. I really like Golden. I think it's my favorite. After Golden is Truce. I wrote what I recalled of Homecoming night. I then wrote one called The Kids Aren't Alright. Then I'm Lost Without You by Blink-182 and one day at six in the morning when I hadn't slept all night I wrote Jet Pack Blues. I ran out of ideas again and wrote the lyrics to If You Only Knew by Shinedown. And soon after Lullabye, and finally, 21 Guns.

I can't do anything else. Everything I do just reminds me of Gerard. His name upsets my stomach. It's like venom on my tongue so...

Thanks for the venom.

I want to die. I want him to wake up. The percentage went from sixty percent to fifty to forty. Pete told me not to give up hope. I'm trying not to give up hope. But it's hard when his life depends on a percentage. What's the point? Wishing for a hopeless boy to wake up from an eternal nap? I hate it. I've visited the hospital once. Otherwise, I can't bare to see his face. I kissed him. I kissed him in his goddamn sleep, and he didn't kiss back. He couldn't kiss back.

It's hopeless. Everything is hopeless. This is the business of misery. I'm the CEO. Pete keeps trying to cheer me up, he'll come over about once a week, but I almost always turn him away. I hate this. I hate how much it hurts. It's like a constant ache, and the thing is, it's not like he doesn't love me anymore: He just can't love me. It's not a typical heartbreak. This is one where he's never going to wake up, and it's not his fault. I hate that he's so close but so far away. I want him to wake up so I can see those beautiful brown eyes so I can kiss those thin lips, and he can kiss back. Coffee with a hint of sugar...

I mean... the good news is that my self-image hasn't gone down... If anything, it's getting better. I don't understand it... I guess... I suppose it's the hope that if I think I'm beautiful, Gerard might magically wake up and just like Sleeping fucking Beauty we'll live happily ever after.

I wish. I wish that could happen so bad...

I opened the notebook he gave me for Christmas, but I didn't go any further. I was so tempted to see what's inside but on the very first page in Gerard's handwriting it says:

Hey Sugar,

I know you're reading this. Christmas present. I just want to say I love you but you can't read this until you're at least 21. I know, it's weird, but you have to trust me. It's a surprise... I love you, and I know it's tempting but... for me? Have a good rest of your day whenever you're reading this and never forget that I'll always be with you...

-Gerard

So I keep it shut, I put it under his bed... His bed still smells like him... I'll sniff it whenever I'm feeling lonely... It makes me feel a little better but at the same time, a little worse... I want him... I want him to actually be here so I can smell that amazing smell... The scent of coffee. I want to know what his broken promise was. I want to know just how much he loves me. I want to know if he actually believes I'm beautiful and when I deny I want him to make love to me like he used to.

At the same time, I wish I'd never gotten into this situation. It's useless. Could he ever wake up? Should he? Every time I think about him it just makes my heart ache more and a new wave of tears to leave my eyes until I'm all cried out and half asleep with his tear stained pillow on his bed.

I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. I just want to run away...

Today, I decide to drag my ass out of bed. I take my phone and slip on both of my Green Day hoodies along with one of his hoodies.

It smells like him. I can't help it...

I walk out of his room, trying to hide myself as best as I can but Mikey and Donna still gasp when I walk into the kitchen and get myself a bar of chocolate.

"Patrick? You're out of bed?" Donna says. I look up at her with a raised eyebrow and a mouthful of Snickers, "It's just... surprising... Are you... Are you feeling alright?"

I swallow the mouthful but don't reply, only shake my head.

"I'm gonna go out for a bit... Just... wanna clear my mind, you know?" I say.

"Oh, of course." She smiles, "Take your phone, and we set your fedora on the living room table if you want it."

"Thanks, Mama," I say, I've never called her Mama before, maybe I should.

No. It reminds me of Gerard.

I pick up my fedora. The cream and chocolate fedora Gerard gave me when I was first going to start living at Donna's. They remind me of his lips... those soft, precious lips... I hate it.

I slip on my shoes that, though I would generally leave them in Gerard and I's room, I left at the door on before I walk outside and begin to roam the city of Summit aimlessly. I don't know where I'm going but I'm a broken soul, and I don't have room to bring anyone else. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

But not really, that just makes me regret Gerard even more with more depression and anxiety than I should have at this point in counseling. So, I put my earbuds in my ears, shuffling through the songs and my heart near stops when it plays 21 Guns.

I stop and take a deep breath, quickly changing it to a different song. That song makes me think of The Black Parade. It reminds me of the way we sat at the corner of that block, watching the parade pass. The white girl and the black boy, the banner, the soldiers, the people who lost their lives to cancer (those were the picture frames that the soldiers were holding. Gerard told me his Dad's picture was in it), the instruments, the percussion, Mikey.

I continue to walk, trying not to think too hard about it but still thinking very hard about it.

The song playing reminds me of the first day I saw Gerard. I puked up my food just before art listening to this song... wonderful memory...

"I want to be the minority
I don't need your authority
Down with the moral majority
'Cause I want to be the minority

"I pledge allegiance to the underworld
One nation underdog
There of which I stand alone
A face in the crows
Unsung, against the mold
Without a doubt
Singled out
The only way I know,"

I continue to walk, I don't know where I'm going, my head is down, my breaths are leaving white clouds in the cold, foggy air. The snowman is melted as I pass it, Gerard probably wouldn't care. He's too asleep to care. By the time he dies, he'll probably have forgotten about me.

I'm crying now. I shouldn't be crying, but I'm crying so goddamn hard.

I keep walking.

"Cause I want to be the minority
I don't need your authority
Down with the moral majority
'Cause I want to be the minority

"Stepped out of line
Like a sheep runs from the herd
Marching out of time
To my own beat now
The only way I know,"

My feet stop. Why do they stop? Why don't they just make me collapse with a goddamn bullet through my head? My blood splattering the white. I'd be in a hell of a lot less pain!

I look up.

It's my old house.

I let out another shaky breath, a salty taste in my mouth from the tears, and swallow softly.

Then, I step up the path and tilt my head. It looks like the police knocked down the door and they messily hinged it back up. I try the knob.

Unlocked.

I don't know why it's unlocked. I guess they were too damn lazy to lock it and now I'm about to go inside to do God knows what. I was just another broken boy. It was just another case. They don't give a shit about Kevin or me or Megan or Dad. Why should they?

I look around, making sure the coast is clear before I walk inside and shut the door behind myself. I'm sure this is trespassing and considered illegal, but I don't care. They can take me. I won't fight. What's the point in fighting when you've only got a forty percent chance?

They cleaned up the broken glass but old, dried blood still stains the white carpet. The smell of cigarette smoke and weed litters my senses. I feel scared at first, but I know they're not here. There's no way they're here. The shadows dancing on the walls are only causes of my disturbance... it's not Kevin or Dad or even Mom...

Megan, on the other hand, I know she's not dead. I don't care what they say. I haven't seen it, they can't prove it. They can't prove me a goddamn thing.

"'Cause I want to be the minority
I don't need your authority
Down with the moral majority
'Cause I want to be the minority

"The minority
I want to be the minority
The minority
I want to be the minority."

The song ends, and the next one begins. I recognize the soft strumming of one string on an acoustic guitar right away and goddamn if I weren't feeling so nostalgic right now, I would have probably skipped this one.

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends,"

I walk through the house, it's so... empty. The furniture is gone, leaving bare carpet where it would normally be. My blood stains the wall. It's old... I wonder how old... I wonder if new blood could stain that wall...

"Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends."

I go into the hallway between Megan and I's room with the bathroom in between. I expect to cross a corner and see Kevin, but I don't. I only see an empty darkness... it makes me feel like I'm exploring my chest, not my house...

"Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are,"

My feet guide my into my old room, the door is broken down, they didn't even try to nail this one back up. It just lays on the floor, alone. How long? How long ago was it? I can't remember...

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends,"

My bedroom floor. I called Gerard here.

If you love me, let me go.

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends,"

I remember saying those words to him. I remember hearing him panic on the other end. I remember hanging up without even saying I love you. Now, he's the one in the hospital, and I'm the one who's scared.

"Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends,"

I see something glistening out of the corner of my eye: silver color, oval in shape and I know exactly what it is. The cops must not have found it.

"Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are,"

I walk over to the mouse hole and pull out the blade. It's cold. Ice cold. I drop it on accident because of how cold it is but also because it's covered in spider webs. I wipe my hand on the floor, not wanting to ruin Gerard's hoodie. I feel like I can't control my fingers as they flip open the blade and I can control my mouth as it twitches upward softly. I want to do this so badly... Just... a few cuts couldn't hurt...

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends."

I pull up the sleeve of Gerard's hoodie and my two other hoodies and position it just across my wrist.

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends,"

I know I promised, but he promised me something, too, and he's broken a promise before, too. I slide it, blade down at such an angle that thins the skin and makes it easier to open with the next slice.

"Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends,"

The second thins it more.

"Wake me up when September ends,"

The third opens it.

"Wake me up when September ends."