---Patrick---

Donning my best false smile, Joe opens the door, to reveal Brendon, Frank, Ryan, Gerard, and finally Pete. The room is just as I remember it. A bed in the far right corner, a bedside table beside that. A few shelves here and there storing books and Green Day merch and the new edition of homework, too.

And a pack of cigarettes.

Gerard looks up at me and smiles, patting the space beside him. He has a bottle of beer in hand, it makes me a little uneasy, but I do as he wishes, sitting with my back to the wall. His hand snakes around my shoulder, and I can't help but flinch, scared of nothing but I still flinch, and he notices.

Brendon and Ryan are telling Frank and Pete about the dance while Joe's getting started on the conversation and Gerard and I are a little out of it. He kisses my cheek softly and slowly inching his way to my mouth with soft kisses until he reaches my lips and kisses me hard.

I pull away as soon as I taste the alcohol on his lips. I'm uncomfortable. I don't want anything to happen right now, he's drunk.

He looks into my eyes with concern but soon realizes what's wrong when he whispers, "I won't get drunk, I promise. It's just one drink."

I swallow nervously and whisper back, "Sorry, I'm just really uneasy. How strong are your promises?"

He smiles, "I have yet to break one, Sugar. You'll be okay."

His lips meet mine again, this time, I don't pull away.

"Okay, what about you two, how did the dance go for you?" Brendon asks, taking me from my boyfriend.

"It was good, it was hard to dance to half the songs there, but they were talented," Gerard says. I smile slightly.

"They're cool," I shrug.

"Okay, what about..." Brendon shuts his eyes trying to think of something to ask as he lies back on the wall, Ryan grinding in his lap slightly.

Pete is sitting comfortably with his back against the wall, to my left, his arms draped over his knees while Frank sits on the other side of Gerard, a bottle of a half-drunk beer in his hand. Joe sits between Brendon and Pete, lighting a cigarette between his lips with Brendon following close behind.

"What about you, Patrick, what have you been up to?" Pete asks when Brendon can't think of anything else to ask.

I blush when everyone's attention turns to me, and Gerard squeezes my shoulder.

"Not much, I learned drums and... um..." I shrug, blushing wildly. Things. Will never be the same time between us, I'm just going to be an awkward fuck around them now.

"Come on, there's gotta be more than just that," Ryan says.

I shrug, "Not much has happened,"

"Whatever, you're boring," Brendon says, "Pete, how are the lyrics going?"

And with that, the night continues. We talk and talk, I'm included in the conversation, but I swear to god, Gerard won't stop fondling his goddamn pocket, and it's driving me crazy. I want it, but I'm scared of it. He keeps his promise and only has one drink but either way, it still conflicts me.

We hit a point where everyone is kind of just drifting off to sleep. Joe's drowsily resting his head on Pete's shoulder. Frank is fast asleep, and Ryan is draped across the bed, but Gerard, Brendon, and I are still awake. Brendon's beginning to drift off.

"I'm going to sleep. So have fun you two," He finally says, "There's a guest bedroom in the room over if you want privacy."

"Sleep well," Gerard replies as Brendon flops down on the bed beside Ryan and shuts his eyes.

I look over to Gerard who has a mischievous look on his face, "Let's go,"

"W-what?" I whisper, my cheeks flushing as I blush because I think I know exactly what he has planned for me. And honestly, it's giving me a boner, but like I said, I'm scared.

He pulls me out of the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind himself. He turns to me, his brown eyes look vibrant in the dark, but I'm distracted by the wiggling of his eyebrows, making me giggle.

"Come on," He looks excited, there's anticipation in his face and an obvious boner in his pants, but somewhere in his face, I can see the slightest bit of worry. Is he scared he'll trigger my PTSD? Or give me a panic attack?

He pulls me down the hall and into the guest bedroom with a soft grip on my wrist before he shuts the door and crawls over me on the bed. I'm terrified. Are we really doing this? Should I tell him? What if he thinks I'm ugly? I am ugly, of course, he'd find me ugly and fat and disgusting. He'll leave and never talk to me again I'm so disgusting.

More importantly, does he have any experience with this? Or is he a virgin, too? What if he does something wrong?

I'm overwhelmed by emotion, and I know it would be best if I just calmed myself down and tried to enjoy what he's going to do to me.

Just like Kevin.

"Gerard, stop." I blurt out, taking a breath I didn't realize I was holding. He hasn't done much, though, he's just resting over me on his hands and knees with his lips just inches above mine, his breath leaving moisture on my lips.

Then I realize what must be happening.

"How drunk are you?" I ask, panicking slightly.

He pulls back and raises his hands in surrender, "You saw, it was only one bottle..." he bites his lip, looking away before finally saying, "Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to do this. I'm stupid, I shouldn't be doing this to you. We've only been dating for a week and... after everything that happens at home with Kevin I completely understand if you don't want to. I just... I don't know... I'm sorry..."

"I... I..." I can't say anything... I don't know what to say but I know I have to make my choice. Do this and possibly have a panic attack or just say no and play it safe, "I'm scared..."

"I know," He whispers, lowering his hands and stroking my hair. I flinch, "We don't have to if you don't want to."

"I..." I take a deep breath, shutting my eyes, "I... I want to do it. I really do, but I don't want to go all the way, I'm not ready... b-but I mean if we could... um..." I blush, looking away. This is embarrassing, and it doesn't help that I feel absolutely filthy agreeing to this.

He bites his lip, "Okay... I think I know what you mean."

He inhales sharply before leaning down again and kissing me. Starting off with slow, kisses, our lips rest on each other's for a long moment before he pulls away for breath, meeting my eyes, and going back down. His lips part slightly against mine so I copy him until I can feel his tongue slip into my mouth slowly.

I inhale sharply, surprised as I pull away and it makes him laugh slightly. I huff slightly, frustrated with him and myself, but I still find myself pulling him back harder, craving it again. I sit up so my back is resting against the headboard and he's straddling me, his crotch against mine for the second time this week but this time we're actually going somewhere.

He kisses harder with more passion and roughness in fast movements, and it's getting harder to keep up with him as he begins unzipping my hoodie, sliding the contraption down with a zzz.

"Sto-op," I half moan urgently as I hold his hands in place, "I... uh... don't like taking my shirt off... I'm uh... self-conscious. Really self-conscious, please."

He looks concerned but nods, too horny to care. He licks his lips oh so sexily as he looks down at the growing bulge in my jeans. It makes me squirm slightly because his gaze is so goddamn piercing, "I'm taking this slow if that's okay..."

"Okay," I pant out, blushing slightly. I pull him in again letting our little makeout session continue with his lips pressing against mine and his tongue slipping into my mouth again. Our tongues fight for dominance, and it's a bit strange. This had never happened with Kevin before, and I'm a little surprised that I'm not as scared as I thought I'd be. I let him win the small fight. I guess I'm a bottom anyways.

I can't focus very well as thing become more heated and desperate, he's making my head spin and all my blood rush south, it doesn't help that I'm breathless either, leaving my top half emptier than before. My heart is pounding in my chest as my fingers weave their way into his hair, squeezing hard and showing him my pleasure.

He pulls away for a split second, leaving me feeling empty and letting my thoughts get back to me. This is filthy. This is absolutely disgusting. Why am I doing this? He's breathless and hungry, and I honestly feel like I'm going to come from the sight, "We need a safe word."

I'm confused, "What?" My heart drops, "W-wait are you a... are you into BDSM?"

He looks confused, then shocked, then humored and shakes his head with a slight giggle, "No, no, no. For your PTSD."

Stupid.

"O-oh..." I blush. I have no clue.

"Something short," He whispers, barely able to keep his hands to himself.

"Parades," I reply softly.

"Good boy," He smirks.

"I thought you said you weren't into BDSM," I mutter, scrunching my nose.

He shrugs with a, "Maybe I am, maybe not," before he finally begins to take this somewhere when his lips trail down my neck and start sucking around trying to find something. I don't need too much experience to know he's leaving tons of marks on the sensitive skin as he searches. Marking me as his and leaving his bite. That's when he finally finds a sensitive spot just below my ear that causes a low grunt to pass through my lips. No matter how much I try to restrain it, it comes. It surprises me. How does he do it? It's like he has complete control over me. All I can do is cover my mouth and blush a mad red. He pulls my hands away, kissing me hard.

His hips move slightly against mine in an attempt to get more sound out of my mouth and holyfuckthatfeelsamazing. I can't stop my second groan from escaping my throat, I don't even try to stop it.

"I love you so much," He moans softly into my neck, his hips rolling harder against mine and his unsteady breath making my neck wet. I shift uncomfortably when I can feel his bulge in his jeans. The more he turns and grinds and scratches into my back, the more pleasure I feel and I end up bucking back into him in a wild attempt for more friction.

"G-Gerard!" I cry out needily letting all my self-restraint go. I want him so badly. I want things I never thought I could want after Kevin but I do, and I fucking need it. It's filthy, but god it feels so good.

He kisses me hungrily and holds onto my shoulders tightly as he grinds impossible harder, the friction in my jeans is incredible, and I honestly need him now. All my fear is gone because I fucking need this.

As if he can read my thoughts, his hands glide to the zipper of my jeans, and he pulls away from my lips to focus on undoing the restraints.

And then I begin blushing madly because at that moment I realize he's about to see all of me and I don't know if I'm ready for this. Oh my god what if I'm too short and- and- what if he just laughs at how pathetic I am and rapes me? W-what if he doesn't want to do this? Hell, I don't know what average is, and I've never bothered to measure. Not to mention, I'm vulnerable again, out of control. I have to put all my trust in him. I can't. I want to, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll only leave me...

"W-wait-" I squeak out, but it's too late.

"Holy shit, Patrick, you're huge." He gasps the slightest bit of a whimper in his tone. I realize he's just gone ahead and pulled my jeans and underwear to my ankles. There's a draft passing through now and shit. This is actually happening.

And apparently, I'm huge. Shit.

My cheeks burn up, and my hoodie feels ten times hotter in my mad fluster as he stares.

"Th-th-thanks." I breathe kicking my feet out uncomfortably.

He looks up at me, flashing a reassuring smile, "Are you sure about this?"

"O-only if you are..." I reply I can barely talk because I'm so breathless, my heart is pounding in my ears as he kisses me one last time. I squeeze my eyes shut.

I'm honestly not all that scared, to be honest. I guess it's because I'm not the working on the dick. I am just a little weirded out and uncomfortable, though. I'm not sure how this will feel and... I don't know how I'm supposed to move or... what am I supposed to do with my hands?

"Patrick, hey," He says snapping his fingers and grabbing my attention. My emotions must have crossed my face, "What's wrong?"

I bite my lip, laughing awkwardly, "I-I- I've never done this before a-and um... I'm not sure how to... really..." I blush even more than I already was and I'm sure my cheeks are a beet red by now.

He only laughs slightly, "It's okay, you'll do just fine, just relax and tell me if you want me to stop or if something feels good."

The way he says the last two words with complete lust and want in his voice make my stomach tighten up like I'm about to puke and my throat close up like I'm about to cry. I absolutely hate those butterflies, but somehow I still love them. They're family.

I nod slightly and let my tensed muscles unclench and sink into the bed. There's a short pause where I can feel his hand hovering over the sensitive skin. It makes me bite my lip because holy shit, I'm about to get a handjob-possibly a blowjob-from Gerard Arthur Fucking Way.

After a deep breath, he wraps his palm around me, but I can barely focus on that and more on the fact that his hands are fucking COLD. I yelp with a slight jump as one slides down my length, beginning to spread the precum to lubricate his movements.

"God, Gee, warm up your hands a little bit," I whisper. He laughs slightly, continuing his work and beginning to palm me roughly. I feel pleasure rip through me like a wave, and I can't stop my low grunts.

"Your sounds are really fucking sexy by the way," Gerard mumbles.

I smile slightly. So I'm doing okay... yay...

He flicks his wrist just right, causing me to buckle my hips up into his hand and let out short, "Ah!"

I'm a panting mess, my hands grasping the sheets and I'm squirming under him, sliding back so I'm flat on the bed and he's jerking me off. He slides his sweaty hand over the tip, making me moan loudly and cover my eyes in embarrassment. He continues this, eventually straddling me again and kissing up and down my neck, leaving even more hickeys and it's just so... real. I can feel everything all at once, and everything is turning out to be very, very hot.

"So fucking big..." He whispers as he bites his lip and stops for a moment to wipe his hands on his pants (ew) before continuing. My eyes are shut as he continues, but after a while of the slow buildup, I hear him say, "Okay, I'm gonna try something different now... so just hold on."

He pulls his black hair out of his face as I relax my grip on the sheets slightly, knowing what he said about telling me to relax. I take a deep breath and wait for him, my eyes shut and my lip between my teeth.

I can hear some sucking, but I'm not quite sure what he's sucking until I feel his fingers rubbing at my entrance. Just like Kevin.

Before I know what's happening, my eyes go wide, and I'm half yelling out the word, "Parades-"

Megan's in the other room, and Dad's out at the bar. It's just Kevin, me, and a bed. It doesn't take long for me to realize it's September 23rd. The day of The Black Parade. The day I lose my virginity to my older brother.

One of his hands is pinning my wrists above my head while his other is lining himself up. He's so much stronger than me. It's terrifying because it means he could cause me serious damage if he so chooses. It's going to hurt enough as it is. I know. I've tried before. It hurts.

"K-Kevin, stop," I whisper, tears running down the corners of my eyes. I'm scared. I'm terrified just like I felt on the fifth day of school. The day I met Gerard...

"Shut up, Slut." He growls. I feel him yank back my hair and slam into me with a long grunt.

I scream as pain rips through me and I squirm, desperate to get out of Kevin's grip. He begins a fast pace, already going far too rough. I swear I'm going to black out at any moment because I can see stars in my vision. Stars and planets.

Places I would rather be besides here.

And just like that, it's over. It's short. It's really short, but Gerard is still panicking at the end of the bed when my eyes flicker open.

"Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, oh my god are you okay, Sugar?" He whispers. I'm too focused on darting my eyes around the room in a wild search for... him, but as I look around, I see that he's not there.

Gerard looks so shaken, and it's my fault. His hands are clasped over his thin lips in shock, and he's shaking all over not to mention he looks close to tears.

"I-I'm fine," I whisper, rising weakly, so I'm supported by my elbows.

He leans forward, only making me flinch, but as soon as I calm myself down, he wipes a tear from my cheek, "You were only out for five minutes or so, but I was so scared. You tensed up and you stopped talking to me and I called your name and you just looked so scared and I didn't know what to do and-"

I pull him forward and kiss him softly, "I'm okay, I'm just... never mind, I'm okay," I give him a reassuring smile, and even though I'm thoroughly exhausted, I add a, "I'm sorry. I can keep going if you'd want."

He lets out a sigh of relief but not before kissing me again with those delicious coffee lips, "do you want to stop? We don't have to do this if you don't want to, Baby." He asks, but it only sparks my determination.

I pull him back down in a passionate kiss and begin unzipping his jacket, "I really want to. I need to get better. Please."

After a moment of hesitation, he kisses me harder and his hand goes back down to my length. As soon as he begins palming me again, I feel myself becoming semi-hard because God I need this. I need him. Kevin won't stop me. I can't let him.

I finish slipping off his jacket and weave my fingers into his hair as I let my tongue slide into his mouth. I don't know where all this energy came from, but I do know that adrenaline is pumping through my veins and I want him to continue touching me. I need it.

"G-Gerard..." I moan out as his finger traces the vein on the underside of my length gently.

"Can I try something else? If you don't want me to, I won't I just... I wanna make you feel good..." he whispers sending chills up my spine. Whatever he wants, I'll take it. I've completely forgotten about my brother at this point. As long as it's not fingering, I should be okay, I think.

"Please, do something, anything,"

He kisses down my neck and sucks for a split second, making me moan loudly before his mouth keeps going down, "Keep your eyes open for me."

I'm confused as to why he'd ask that of me, so I vocalize my confusion.

"Why?"

"If you keep them open, maybe you'll be sure that it's me and not him," He replies, softly rubbing his hands up and down my thighs which I quickly realize are covered in scars. I was self-conscious about my thighs enough, but with the scars, it just makes it worse... but I trust him, so I don't say anything about it, "Okay."

He goes down on me, and the first thing I feel is the wetness around my length.

And god it feels fantastic.

"Ugh," I grunt out, thrusting up and making him choke. He pulls off almost immediately, coughing and gagging. Guilt swallows me as my mind flashes back to Kevin.

No flashbacks, just a small memory of how he gripped my hair tightly as he thrusted over and over again into my mouth, making me nearly vomit but I had managed to keep it down. Grunting, moaning. The wet sounds, the tears gathering at my eyes.

"Gerard, wait," I say, stopping him from going down on me again. He looks up at me with curiosity in his eyes, "You don't have to... if you don't want to... I mean... th-that's what Kevin usually um..." I blush slightly.

Gerard shakes his head, crawling back over me so his lips are inches away from mine and I feel rather exposed under him because he's still completely dressed and I want him to at least take his shirt off, "Hey, it's okay. Listen to me, tonight I want you to forget about Kevin. I want you to forget he ever happened and focus on me, understand?"

"But-"

"Understand?" He presses. I bite my lip hesitantly. He really shouldn't if he doesn't want to and I know it sure as hell doesn't feel nice for him. It can't.

"Yes..." I whisper then bite a little harder and add, "Can you take your shirt off?"

He chuckles slightly, "Of course, Sugar," His hands pull off his black shirt, throwing it to the floor. That's when my eyes widen. And I let out a whimper. Because holy shit Gerard is fucking hot shirtless.

He kisses me softly, before leaning down and whispering into my ear, "And if you really want to, I'll let you fuck my throat raw."

"Gerard," I hiss, blushing.

He gives me a toothy grin and one last kiss before returning down to my shaft and beginning to bob his head up and down again.

It feels so good. Good is the only word I can use to describe it. Pleasure, satisfaction, it's just... good. I weave my hands in the sheets and shut my eyes, letting the feeling take me over as I moan softly.

"Eyes open, Sugar," He murmurs. I quickly obey, looking down at him. He looks back up, and as soon as our eyes meet, I feel my cheeks turn a bright red. His cheeks hollow as he sucks and his eyes go back down when it starts to get a little awkward.

Of everything happening, the haze of pleasure, the comfort of the bed under me, the actual oral sex, of everything happening what gets me the most are the sounds. They're fucking disgusting, but somehow they're the hottest thing I think I'll ever hear. It just sounds so... saliva-ey and the kind of stuff that would make me cringe and cover my ears like a fork squeaking against a plate or styrofoam but it's such a turn on right now, and I don't understand how.

Then there's the bed which is squeaking slightly under me as Gerard bobs his head and sucks and blows. It's comfy, and it kind of makes me sink down slightly as I lay. It's just so squishy that I kind of want to keep it; take it home and replace my old mattress. I'm jealous of Joe.

Then there's Gerard and the fact that he's giving me a full on blowjob. He puts just enough suction on to make me lift my hips off of the bed and arch my back. Then he kind of drags his teeth across it which kills me. It's utterly irresistible, but the thing that makes me grunt the most is his hands squeezing my thighs and his tongue. Honestly, those two things alone are enough to make me finish. I know he's going to leave bruises on my thighs like his fingerprints, but I don't mind. They're going to hurt, but I'll hurt for him. His tongue, on the other hand, is bliss. He licks exactly where it feels good, creating friction at every sweet spot and causing me to just barely hold on.

Finally, there's the haze that is my mind. It's the same haze that came when Kevin raped me, but this time, it's a pleasurable haze. A haze that blocks out everything but the feeling of his mouth around my cock, sucking, blowing, and bobbing and that's just about the only thing I can focus on. Like it's just him and me in the world.

"Jesus, Gerard," I grunt out.

I can feel something rising in my stomach. It's like the butterflies from earlier, but they keep fluttering around nonstop, and I realize with disappointment but want that I must be close. I don't want this to end, but I know it's bound to happen eventually. I can't stay breathless forever.

"I think I'm gonna cum," I grunt out with difficulty.

He bobs faster, sucks harder, and drags his teeth more all at once as his fingers dig even further into my hips, just above my thighs.

I'm getting so close, so fast and I know with just a few more bobs it'll be over.

The intensity is getting to me as he bobs. A thousand thoughts fill my mind, but at the same time, there are none.

Up, I feel myself twitch inside his mouth. Suck, I buckle my hips against him. Down, I feel my hips hit the bed again. Suck, the build-up is let out and sent straight down his throat.

My toes clench tightly, and so many things happen at once as he sucks impossibly harder and stays in one place, letting me finish my release into his mouth.

My hands grip the sheets tightly, trying to find anything to hold onto through the intensity while my back arches off of the bed, my hoodie making my top half so very hot and sweaty. My eyes roll back into my head, and I'm overcome with darkness as my load shoots into Gerard's mouth. Finally, there's the complete exhaustion that overcomes me as my pleasure fades into a slight buzz and I'm left panting hard.

"That wasn't too bad, was it?" He asks as he crawls back over me. A faint, tired smile plays across my lips when he kisses me, and I can taste myself.

It's gross, and I'm not sure how in the hell Gerard could swallow that. It's... don't even know how to describe it other than the fact that it tastes just slightly better than Kevin does.

"That was good," I whisper, looking up into his soft brown eyes. He kisses me again gently but I can tell his jaw is tired from work on me.

He collapses beside me on the bed, not even bothering with the blankets before he pulls my jeans back up, zipping and buttoning them, and pulls me closer to him.

Our legs tangle with each other as I drape myself over Gerard's bare chest and find myself too exhausted to change my position. With the flashback and the blowjob/handjob, my body is just barely hanging on, and my eyes are drooping.

"Hey, Patrick..." he asks quietly.

I look up at him, curiosity in my gaze as he bites his lip, "Can you promise me something?"

I swallow hesitantly and reply, "Of course."

"C-can you promise me to stop cutting..." he requests, "I... It hurts to see them... to see that you're going through that much pain and I want you to stop, please... You're beautiful, and I want to help you..."

I swallow. Can I promise him that? Can I promise him something that big and still expect myself to keep it? I've never broken a promise before, but this sounds hard. Stop cutting? Completely?

"I-I...,"

"Please, Patrick. I promise to stop, too. Please..." He whispers as he strokes my hair.

"I promise..." and those two words are out before I can stop them.

He replies with the same five-word response we've built like he really means it even though he knows the answer.

"How strong are your promises?"

And I reply to his question.

"I have yet to break one."