---Gerard---

So.

He's not here.

He's not here. Patrick isn't here. Why isn't Patrick here? What happened?

I went to first period, science with Mr. Tennant and Joe and Ryan. We learned about stars and the galaxy which, in my opinion, is pretty damn fascinating. I've always wanted to draw a picture of the galaxy or something themed like that. Anyways, first period was cool. Neither Patrick nor I have that class together. Joe kept throwing pencils at me but Patrick's words from Friday night kept echoing through my mind. "I had a group of friends before The Incident... The ones I pushed away. Th-There was uh... Frank, Ryan, J-Joe... Brendon... and... and uh... Then my best friend... W-Was Pete..." I did kind of brush Joe off. I felt a little guilty especially when a look of concern crossed his soft face but I didn't let it get to me. Ryan was just being quiet the whole period, sitting and actually doing work.

The bell rang and I continued to my second class, English with Ms. Kristen. Frank was in that class with me and we get paired up a lot. He's cool, I think my second best friend. I hang out with him more than anyone else in our gay little group. I almost fell asleep in English so I can barely remember what happened there. Frank kept poking me in the arm to wake me up every time I did doze off. I was aware that he's in Patrick's list of ex-friends. I also realized that I'd have to talk to them at lunch... I need to tell them what Patrick said. I did promise to help him, after all.

Third period was Social Studies with Mr. Collins. I didn't actually have any friends in that class so I kind of end up falling asleep with nobody but the teacher to wake me up and that's embarrassing so I always try my best to stay awake. We learned about... Um... Something? I can't remember. We took notes in textbooks. I think it was something about England and... Spain... Kind of... I'm not actually sure but I managed to survive Social Studies. That's when I began to get a little uneasy.

So now here I am. Lunch. Patrick isn't here and he's almost always at lunch. Maybe he's just being held back by Ms. Kristen. So I sit by Brendon, Ryan, Joe, Pete, and right beside Frank. They're talking about Homecoming... Which I guess Homecoming is this Friday. I don't know who to ask besides Patrick but, he's obviously not here yet. I actually am a little excited to talk to him and ask him. I can't believe I forgot. I mean... The school isn't against homosexuality and I already know Ryan and Brendon are going together. So... Maybe Patrick would want to go? I'm not sure. Then again, we still have the problem of sorting out what we are with each other... Kissing obviously isn't something friends do.

Ten minutes pass and Patrick still isn't here. I don't know where he is and I'm getting worried. Where is he? Did he stay home for a reason? Did he lock himself in a bathroom? Maybe he'll be back in fourth...

Frank seems to notice my distress because he rests a hand on my shoulder and asks, "What's wrong?"

I swallow, looking to him. Into those soft brown eyes, "Patrick's not here... And I need to talk to... everyone..."

Frank pulls his hand from my shoulder before yelling at the rest of the group to pay attention to me. Brendon and Ryan are gazing at me, making me slightly squeamish and uncomfortable while Joe has an eyebrow raised and Pete... "My best friend... I told him about The Incident... I mean the car crash..." "Um... I need to talk to you about Patrick," I say, looking down. My bravery is gone and I'm getting uncomfortable. Why do I have to be the messenger? Oh right, I promised Patrick. And I'm not breaking a promise with him, they're our only form of currency, "He... H-He told me about... three years ago... How um... He pushed you all away." I see Pete tense up slightly out of the corner of my eye, "He... He wants to be friends again. And I... Promised him I'd try..." I look up, swallowing my fear, "He said sorry..."

"Why isn't he here then?" Brendon asks, a trace of hostility in his voice.

"I don't know..." I replied shaking my head.

"Is he healing?" Pete says. He's worried. I can tell from his tone of voice and it lightens my heart a little bit but I knew that he isn't. He's going through a lot of shit at home.

"He..." I trail off, I don't want to tell them something Patrick doesn't want them to know, "He's doing okay... But, look. Would you be willing to give it a shot?"

Brendon looks bitter about it. Mad that Patrick left him in the first place. Pete on the other hand looked willing to take him back in a heartbeat. Joe's nodding slightly, leaning towards Pete's side while Ryan's agreeing with Brendon and Frank doesn't really have a say.

"He needs you." I finally say with a hint of frustrated, "He's... He's really not doing well. I don't want to give away anything he doesn't want me to but he's going through a lot of shit and I need you to please, please, please just talk with him once. He needs you."

Brendon looks to Pete who nods and says to me, "Okay, Are you going to Homecoming?"

"Um, I, Uh," I blush a mad red, "I was hoping to ask him."

Brendon gives me a very bewildered look while Joe yells out a, "What?" And Pete signals me a thumbs up, a smile across his lips.

"Brendon and Ryan are going. We were all planning on meeting up at Joe's after the dance," Pete replies, "You up for it?"

I smile, "Yeah, sure."

We continue to talk through lunch. Lunch passes. Art comes next with Mr. Cumberbatch. I talk with Brendon and Ryan but again, Patrick isn't there. School keeps flying by but he never shows up.

Fifteen minutes after school ends and I'm sitting on the bus, worrying. Something is wrong. Did he skip school? Did he end up in the hospital? Did his dad do something? Or Kevin?

My thoughts turn darker and I realize my worries from the weekend are becoming more and more possible. Did he not like the kiss? Did I scare him off? Hasn't he checked his texts?

I'm getting slightly jittery as I look out the window, sketch pad and pencil in hand but I'm not drawing. I'm scared of what I'd draw...

The autumn air has begun to leave frost on grass in the early mornings, replacing the dewdrops of summer and crystallizing the vapor. The windows of the bus are cold as I lean my head back against it, my wispy black hair falling over my face but I don't care. All I care about is Patrick's safety. Everything is cold right now and my hoodie isn't helping. Is he cold, too? He isn't here to keep me warm inside. He isn't here to lean against my shoulder and doze off under the waning half-moon. It makes me wish I could have screamed into the sky that night, and said to the stars, "Hey moon, please forget to fall down." The night could have lasted. I could have told him my real feelings. I could have told him how I want to kiss him over and over again next to the mausoleum and make him believe he's beautiful. Someday I will. Someday he'll tell me he believes it. Even if he doesn't love me. I'd rather let him be happy with my heart broken than to make him uncomfortable with my happy heart. I'll put him before me and make sure he knows I care. I wonder if he's at home. I wonder if he's thinking of me the way I think of him. What if I knocked at his door? Would he let me in? Or would Kevin be busy with him...?

I need to get him out of there. Maybe I could call the cops... I don't know... Maybe he's doing alright and maybe they've stopped. Maybe he was just sick today and his dad forgot to call the school. Maybe he's doing alright and I'm just overreacting. I hope so. I want him to be alright.

The bus comes to a stop, jerking me forward unexpectedly and it takes me a moment to gather myself before leaving the row and walking down the aisle. This is my stop. The green hedges lining the neighboring houses and the two signs at the corner reading 4th and Fremont. My house down the street and Patrick's house in sight.

My feet seem to drag as I walk down the two black steps, glistening in the sunlight, pulling my hoodie closer around myself, my sketchbook still in hand. I don't need to focus on where I'm going, I already know so I just let my legs carry me. My eyes move up from the sidewalk to gaze at that house. Patrick's house. I can imagine him there right now, getting hurt, getting beaten. Should I knock at his door? I need to tell him...

He's probably just sick, he's fine.

I guess...

I keep walking to my house despite the bad feeling in my stomach. I keep going. Patrick's probably fine... Maybe...

Next thing I know I'm walking towards his house.

Oh no. No, no, no. What are you doing, Gerard?

I'm checking on Patrick. Even if he is sick maybe I could hang out for a little.

That's rude, showing up without invitation.

It's fine. I'll just leave afterwards. I'll just check in on him, it's just a friendly gesture... Right? I step up the creaky porch in front of his home, my sketchbook tight in my hand. Am I really doing this? Fuck it.

Knock, knock, knock.

I wait for a little bit, my nerves building. What if I'm not welcome here? What if Patrick's getting beaten? Oh god what if I walk in on something?

The door opens and I'm confronted by a tall boy, he looks like a teenager and he's somewhat muscled, quite a bit taller than me, too. It's a little intimidating and I'm more scared when I realize he must be Kevin. Patrick's brother... This is the guy who makes him scared. He fills him with fear and I hate him for it. I'm a little tempted to sock him in the face but I know he could easily overpower me if he wanted.

He fakes a smile and says to me with a sweet voice which I really don't buy, "Hey,"

"Hey, um... I was wondering if Patrick's here? He wasn't at school today... Um... I'm Gerard by the way." I say, plastering a fake smile on my lips.

"Kevin, and no, he's not." Kevin replies with confusion. It isn't fake which only makes me worry more, "I'm not sure where he is, actually. You haven't seen him at all?" I shake my head, "Oh, okay, we'll get it figured out and I'll have him text you if he gets a chance, alright?"

My heart sinks. Where is he? What happened? Is he alright? Did he skip school? Oh no. Did he do something bad? My only thought is that he thinks I really didn't like the kiss. That he regrets it. I need to talk to him beside he's obviously not checking his texts. Why not? Fuck. His anxiety. How could I forget? No, no, no. This is all going wrong.

"Thank you," I reply. I don't know what else to say as I turn and leave, the door shutting behind me. I pull out my phone, it's useless, I know it is but I still text him, I'm hopelessly hopeful...

Gerard: Where are you? I'm so worried, Sugar.

I keep walking and texting even though he doesn't reply...

Gerard: I understand if you didn't like the kiss, that's completely fine but please. I'm so worried about you. I need you to text back please.

I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. Where is he? Where the fuck is he? Maybe he just didn't want to see me. Maybe he just skipped school. Maybe his dad made him stay home. Maybe he was hurt. Maybe Kevin touched him again. Maybe he's in the hospital. Maybe... Oh god... Maybe he attempted suicide and Kevin didn't tell me.

Don't be ridiculous. He hasn't been suicidal before and one kiss couldn't push him over the edge. For fuck's sake, get a hold of yourself, Gerard.

Okay, okay. Maybe he didn't kill himself. Maybe he just didn't want to see me at school. I'm just overreacting. It's fine. Deep breath.

Look for him.

Gerard: Talk to me. Check your phone. Please. Please please.