---Patrick---

Why it happens, I still don't know. But it still happens. And it still hurts. And it still terrifies me.

Tears are falling down my cheeks when I come around. My body still and my eyes out of focus while my mind recovers from the fuzz of the flashback. I'm back in reality. I'm completely silent. The flashback is over. And warm and salty tears are trailing down my cheeks, shaped like droplets of rain. I calm my breathing and shut my eyes, wishing it had never happened.

They've gotten easier to bare the longer I've dealt with them. I've had lots of different flashbacks but this one is the most common... And the most painful.

My phone vibrates in my hand, taking me from my thoughts. I don't even realize I'm holding it at first because my extremities are numb but I notice it when it vibrates.

Gerard: Hello?

Gerard: It's been thirty minutes I'm just gonna guess you fell asleep. So... Sleep well...

I don't bother replying. I don't want to reply. I just want to sleep and hope I wake up dead. I've heard about the afterlife but I've never really lived. If you call these last three years life, then it's better to end it. Because God clearly hates me.

And I don't even believe in him.

***

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life,"

My eyes are shut, one leg hanging over the bed while the other is bent and close to my chest. Billie's words calm me, I'm exhausted after everything that happened yesterday but at the same time, I'm at peace.

"So take the photographs and still-frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good times."

Maybe it's because I met Gerard. Maybe it's because he puts those butterflies in my stomach, they flutter around and make me smile. Maybe it's the way he smiles, a toothy grin with nothing but friendliness and unspoken words that say, "Come, talk a while. I'll listen to you." It could be the way he concentrates when he draws, biting his lip with his fingers gripping his pencil bringing soft strokes and gray lines to the paper to form beautiful works of art. Maybe it's his jet black hair that sways softly in the evening breeze or maybe it's his familiar brown eyes that crinkle when he grins. Oh god, he's just... Beautiful. That's one and only word I can use to describe him. Just beautiful.

"Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while,"

It could also be because of the flashback. Maybe it's just the thought of my mother that brings these peaceful thoughts. Memories of Christmas. We never had enough money to exchange gifts. We were always really low on money but we were happy with what we did have. Dad before he was always drunk, Kevin before he became the monster he is now, Megan before she was terrified of everything, Mom before The Incident, and me before the anxiety. Like a perfect family...

I can't help but think there was something I could have done to save her. I could have told her to watch the road. I could have told her to stop. I could've warned her about the car.

But you didn't.

I didn't.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life."

I shut my eyes, wishing to be in paradise with Gerard and Megan and Mom and Dad and Kevin before The Incident. I wish the music would just take me away. Take me to a land without worries so we can all be happy. Where we're all safe from harm. From bad luck. From hell.

No. I don't just want those five people. I... I think I want my old friends back...

But they don't want you back.

That's probably true... It's useless. Even if I tried, they would just turn me away. I deserve it.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life."

There are five of them. Joe, Frank, Brendon, Ryan, and... And Pete...

Frank was probably my most distant friend. We would talk and he would come over to my house but usually only if the rest of my friends were there, too. Again, this was all before Dad became a drunk and my house was a safe place. Somewhere anyone could come and go. Frank has black hair and a lip piercing that he wore all the time and really pretty brown eyes. He was the kind of guy to always have a cigarette pressed between his lips and speak of deep things in life. Things I've never thought of before. He only scratched the surface compared to Pete, though.

Ryan was less distant than Frank but he still wouldn't come over unless my other friends were there. I talked to him more than I talked to Frank, too. He has dark brown hair and often wears eyeliner to look even gayer than he already does along with old, vintage-style scarves and the occasional fedora atop his wavy, brown locks.

Joe was a good friend of mine. He would come over even when nobody else came with. He was the person who introduced me to Pete. We actually met in a bookstore a while back and the next day, I saw him at school and we became friends after that. He has an afro an these fucking amazing blue eyes, although, most of the time he doesn't put much effort into his appearance and he comes to school looking like he smokes weed (which he does).

Brendon was one of my best friends. I talked to him about everything and he had amazing relationship advice. I went to him whenever I was sad and he always fixed me right up. I never went to the club with him because I had never wanted to get addicted to anything there but I still hung out at his house. His parents were rich, really rich, meaning he was also that one person who bought Christmas and birthday presents for everyone. He was definitely a really close friends and the second hardest to push away. He has a lot of similarities to Ryan (which is another reason why people think they're dating). In all honesty, I kind of think they should be together. Always have, always will.

And finally, there was my best friend. Pete. He... He was different from the rest. He always acted different around me. I never understood why, but he was always nicer to me. Almost... sweet. He was hard to let go. He was really hard to let go but he was the most persistent about helping me with The Incident. He was the only person I told. I trusted him with everything.

Afterwards, he always showed sympathy and it just pissed me off. I was just sick of it. I was sick of him always patting me on the back, I was sick of him trying to comfort me so I cut him out. I cut out Frank, then Ryan, Joe, then Brendon, and finally I cut out Pete. I stopped talking, I ignored their texts. When they confronted me about it, I would leave. I sat at a different table than them and I did everything alone. I didn't need friends.

I don't need friends.

But that's changing, isn't it?

It is changing...

I need Gerard. I need Frank. I need Ryan. I need Joe. I need Brendon. I need... Pete.

But they don't need you.

It's probably right.

They really don't need me.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life."

***

Patrick: Hey, sorry about Friday night. I fell asleep.

It's been two days since the flashback, two days since the whole school found out I cut, two days since I met Gerard, two days since I was molested.

Gerard: Good morning! And it's alright I almost did the same, I was really tired.

Good, it worked...

Patrick: So what are you doing?

Gerard: Getting ready to leave, Mama has to go to work early today so I'm home alone. What about you?

Patrick: About to walk out my door lol

Lol. Biggest lie anybody has ever texted.

Gerard: I gtg I'll see you at the bus stop, Kay?

Patrick: Alright, see you soon.

I smile again, excited to talk to him. Why am I so excited? Why am I so happy? Ever since he made that promise, I always get happier when I think about him. It was just his promise not to judge me. How could something so small have an impact so big?

"Patrick, time to leave." Kevin calls from the kitchen, almost right on cue.

"Okay, see you after school." I reply, jumping out of bed and heading towards the door. I turn the knob, but my brother stops me before I can do anything else, his foot right in front of the door.

He looks right into my eyes with a hard gaze, it scares me because I don't know what he's going to do. I don't know if he's going to hurt me or kiss me. I don't want him to do anything. I just want him to fuck off, cry me an ocean, and leave me be.

The next thing I know, his lips are on mine, his hands in my hair deepening the kiss and it's all I can do to squeeze my eyes shut and wait it out, hoping he'll just stop. The kiss doesn't last long, only about five seconds but by that time, I already feel sick to my stomach. He pulls away, wiping his mouth and looks into my fearful eyes with his own, piercing and angry.

"Go, slut," He growls.

I immediately swing the door open and leave the house with my phone and bag, hoping to just get out of there. The door shuts behind me as I rush down the stairs, tears starting to form in my eyes and I try my hardest not to break down. I have to be strong. My feet take me down the sidewalk, to the left, and across the street to the bus stop at a hurried pace. Nobody is there yet, thankfully.

I sigh and sit by the bus sign, bringing my knees to my chest and holding them there with my arms as I try to wipe his thought from my mind. I can taste him again, the taste of those sour, pink lips and they're not going away. My throat tightens because I'm disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted that I let him do that. I am a slut. I am a whore. Just like he says. A toy...

The tears pour out of my eyes. I don't bother holding them back anymore. I just sit there with my arms folded, crying into my knees. I know it'll be at least fifteen more minutes until the bus gets here. I don't need to worry. Nobody cares enough, anyway. They'll always just see me as another fat pig. Another person you would never want to sit by. I'm just the result of what I used to be after a sad "accident".

I turn my head up, wiping my tears and gazing across the street, my vision still blurry. Another tears drops down my cheek.

My fingers finally go to my lips, resting on my bottom lip, right where I can still feel his mouth. Pressing against mine, violating me, exposing what a slut I am. I shudder as I think about what he had done on Friday and how I can still see him behind my eyelids. The way he tugged my hair and choked me and slapped me and bruised me.

I wish he wouldn't do that. I wish he would just leave me alone. I just wish I didn't deserve it... I wish-

"Patrick, are you okay?"

My head shoots to the right, and I'm surprised that I don't get whiplash. Tears are still falling down my face, but my fingers have moved from my lips to my pockets.

"Y-yeah," I murmur, "I-I'm fine... Just..."

I don't finish the sentence because next thing I know, Gerard's pulled me up and he's hugging me. And I'm shocked. I haven't had a hug in... Forever. It's not sexual, he doesn't mean harm, it's just innocent and friendly. And I like it. And I never want him to let go. His arms wrap around my tense back, his head rests on my shoulder, and he squeezes me close as tight as he can.

"What's wrong, Sugar?" Sugar... Sugar... His voice is like sugar to my ears. He's like sugar to my eyes.

You're fucking disgusting.

"N-nothing. Same thing as Friday." I say, hoping he won't see through my lie. Begging he'll just leave me alone. Praying that he won't push. But he does. He looks me right in the eye and replies with a voice so caring and gentle, I can't help but wonder if he's a fallen angel, "No, it's not. Why were you touching your lips?"

Even though I really don't want to, I pull away and it hurts. I don't want to leave. I don't want the warmth to turn to cold but I'm pissed.

"Patrick..." He starts, a hurt expression on his face.

"I've only known you for three days." I say, kind of mad that he was being so nosy, "I get that you're trying to be nice and all but... I don't know..."

I sigh out the last part because I'm so conflicted. I want to spill everything. I want to tell him everything, absolutely everything but I'm scared. I'm scared he'll turn on me. I'm scared he'll only start bullying me. I'm scared he'll make fun of me. I barely know him for crying out loud!

There's silence. He's not sure what to say. I'm not sure what to say.

"Sorry..." I whisper, "I just barely know you and I don't know if I can even trust you..."

"What do you mean?" He asks, nearing me. I don't move away this time.

"Nevermind," I mumble. Because I want to tell him. I just don't trust you.

He sighs in frustration and it's silent for a while. It's awkward. I want to say something but I get scared every time I try.

"So... Uhm..." He starts, "Look, I'm sorry, but uh... there's this parade coming to town later this month and... Uh... I wanted to know if you might want to come with me, maybe? I mean if you don't want to it's alright-"

"Yeah," I reply, my grimace fading because, though I hate how nosy and caring he is, I wouldn't mind going somewhere with him. I want to be his friend. I want to know him, as more than just an acquaintance, "Yeah, I'd love to."

What the fuck? You're such a sick whore.

"Really?" He seems surprised like he didn't think I'd actually want to go.

"Yeah, why not?" I ask, "You're my friend."

Friend. Was it true? Was he actually my friend? After all this time was it actually true? Could I even consider him my friend? What if he doesn't want to be my friend? What if he's not okay with this? What if he's not that comfortable with me?

Of course he's not, dipshit.

He smiles, it reaches his eyes. Does he think it's funny that I'm so comfortable around him? Is he going to laugh? Will he laugh at me?

"You're my friend, too." He replies, "it's weird to say..."

"Y-yeah... Three whole years." I say with a weak smile. Three whole years without Frank. Three whole years without Ryan. Three whole years without Joe. Three whole years without Brendon. Three whole fucking years without Pete.

But in the end, I'd do it all again, I think I want my old best friends.

And Gerard. I think they'd like him.

"So what day is the parade?" I ask him, looking up into his brown eyes, holding a gentle gaze with him.

"I think it's the 23rd. You'll be free, right?"

"Yeah, that sounds great."