I felt so weak.

I felt so special.

I felt so bad.

I felt so fake.

I stood there with wide eyes as I still held the flask in my right hand. He held my face with both hands as he lightly turned his head in the process.

I ignored all the grief I felt and closed my eyes as I put my left hand on on his cheek.

We stayed like that for about ten seconds.

This felt nice. Yet felt stupid.

I can't leave like this...

We parted and looked into each other's eyes. I tried to find something in them as if he didn't like me at all.

I Didn't find anything that he didn't love me...

"Tom—" I was interrupted by him kissing me again.

This time he went all in. He held me tight, his hands now on my arms. he slid his tongue into my mouth. I let out a yelp as he did so.

Don't get me wrong, this felt so right, but I'm leaving and never coming back.

I'm lying to the love of my life...

So I pushed him lightly, hinting to stop.

I didn't want it to...

"Tom. I think the others are waiting." I said.

"Oh. My bad.... Sorry." He apologized.

"Tom?"

"Yeah...?"

"I love you..."

And then, I walked out of the kitchen and said my goodbyes to Edd and Matt (and even to Tord even though I didn't half to) and I walked outside and in the car. I didn't look back. I didn't want to.

I don't even know how he reacted.

"Are we ready?" My mom asked, not looking at my sad face.

"No...." I said, looking down at my hands. "But we could go to the house now..." I said, putting my seatbelt on.

My mom didn't say everything. It was quiet and I didn't like it.

"So... Does anyone got the time?" I jumped at the sudden voice. My mom seem to react to it.

"8:57pm." She responded, looking at her phone a little then keeping her eyes on the road.

I looked back and saw that was Patryck sitting there behind me. "Thank you." He said.

"How long were you there?!" I asked, eyeing him.

"About seven minutes and twenty six seconds to be exact." He said, leaning back on his seat to relax.

I sat there confused and with my mouth hung open.

Did he count the freakin minutes?

"Well... Alright...?" I said, sitting back down.

For the past ten minutes again, quiet. I didn't even know what to think.

The man I killed...

My parents....

Me leaving forever...

The kiss...

Everything made my head hurt. And my heart. If only I wasn't so stupid! I'm an idiot! I should have just.... I don't know...

My hand was stuffed in my pocket, holding the flask in my hand.

Why did I take this...?

"So?" My mom asked, eyeing me a little while trying to drive. "How are you lately? With all your friends?" She asked.

I thought for a while. "We were all fine. Everything was normal and just the way it was." I said, not even looking at her. "But I love them. They're my family." I said, slightly smiling.

My whole world just turned upside down. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Another fifteen minutes went by, then I came to the attention that my dad would probably be home. He hasn't seen me for five whole years, so he would definitely be there to see me.

If I'm lucky, he wouldn't.

I looked back at one point and saw that Tord and Paul were following behind. I sighed again, leaning back on my seat.

//time skip.//

We made it back. It was now dark. Tord was going to sleep in my room on the floor with an old sleeping bag we had. Paul and Patryck would be on the couch. My, little brother, Thomas is still sleeping. My mother said my dad was home, but was sleeping.

I still couldn't bring myself to go up in my room. I mean, I don't even know if I'm going to the red army or not.

But by my mom, my dad was pretty happy that I came home.

I can't tell if that was a good thing or not though.

"Hun. I'm going to sleep. You need rest to." My mom said, taking my hand that was on my lap while I was sitting on the couch.

"I know." But something hit my mind. "Mom, do you have a cell phone?" I asked, looking up at her.

"I do. I don't use it but you could. Why?"

"I need to call a friend."

"I thought you said goodbye to your friends?"

"Not all of them." I said.

"Well... Okay, please be quick." She said.

She went up stairs to get what I guess is the phone. She came back down and with something in hand. "Here." She said, handing me an old looking phone.

I took it  and typed in his number.

After about five rings in, he answered. "Hello?" I small yet tired sounding voice said.

"Hey." I said, sounding a bit excited to talk to him again. But that went away once I knew what I was going to tell him. "Jon, I need to tell you something." I said, sadly.

"How is this?" He asked.

"Oh yeah. This is Y/n." I said.

"Why are you call me late at night?" He groaned.

"Sorry. I just really need to tell you something."

I told him everything. And he understood. I told him I wasn't coming back home. And I told him to not tell the others.

"I'll really miss you Y/n." He said sadly.

"Yeah, me to."

"I'm really going to miss the times where you tried to jump my fence and failed and fell face first. Or that time Susin was hanging out with us." He said.

I laughed, thinking of all the times. "Yeah. I'll miss you to."

"Well, is this goodbye?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. I'll try to come home and see you all, okay?"

"Okay."

"I promise."

"Okay.... Goodbye my best friend."

"Goodbye bestie. Also, tell Mark maybe I kinda blush when he flirted with me, and tell Eduardo that cola is better then diet." I explained, smiling even though he can't see it, but I know he knew I was.

I could tell he was smiling to. He laughed. "Sure thing. Well, bye."

"Goodbye Jon." I hung up.

I gave my phone back to my mom. My mom has been telling me to go to sleep. But I felt like I wouldn't get any tonight. But I later agreed to go up there. My heart was bounding as me and Tord reached the top, I walked to my room, glancing at my little brothers room as well.

I stood in front of my room now. I felt really hot and I didn't want to see it again even though it was my safe place.

I finally opened my door.

It was all the same.

Maybe it's not all bad after all.

"Mommy? Who are these people?"

Crap.

A/n

Mmmkayyyy.

Lol I had to go back a bit and edit Tomas to Thomas lol

Well, here ya go.

I just wanted to get something done.

I just got up, don't sue me.

Love - Fan_girl76 ~~

Oh yeah! Holy shit!

We hit 1k views!

What the fuck?!?!

I can't believe myself right now!

And, this is chapter thirty! Whoa! I didn't think I would go all the way to this?!

I thought I would give up on this on a chapter in chapter five lol.

Thank you so much! All of you!

Lol okay byeeeee!!!! 💟💟