A/N: Finally! The chapter that probably everyone has waited for!

WARNING: MENTIONS OF PAST DOMESTIC/CHILD ABUSE!!!

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS, THEN I SADLY HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP READING THIS FANFICTION! After all, the reason for Levi's inability to love lies in his past. One can't skip that part, that's why this time there aren't any asterisks. If you can't read that abuse part (please don't force yourself to read it!) then you won't understand why Levi is the way he is! Even if it is only mentioned, this chapter here also contains a lot of angst.

So I had actually planned to keep the mention of Levi's past short in this chapter, but it got to be longer than I wanted it to be. It's not like the first time that a chapter doesn't stick to my original plan, but whatever, haha. So one part of his past is in told in very detail and the oher part is kept as short as possible because I'm going to write about it in detail in a side-chapter (which is going to be published after other more important chapters that are coming next)

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Eren's POV

'The only thing you have to do is to spread your legs for me.'

'Please don't give up on Levi.'

'Everything is your fault.'

'No one is allowed to take you away from me!'

'I will be gentle.'

'Don't fight against it. Or else it will hurt.'

'This is not the end yet!'

'Next time I will do you without anyone disturbing!'

'You belong to me, Mr Yeager.'

'Let me take care of your body.'

'It's so beautiful to see your crying face while I'm doing this, Mr Yeager.'

'No one will hear you.'

'No one will rescue you.'

'It's only the two of us, Mr Yeager.'

"STOP!" I heard myself scream as my upper body shot up. I was breathing heavily and anxiously as cold sweat dripped down my face, my eyes opened widely and my heart racing at a very fast pace, pumping the blood through my body in an irregular pattern.

"Hey." Someone said in a calm voice to which I startled in fright, turning to the side from which the voice had come from as I moved away from it a bit on my bed.

Even after finding out that it was Levi who had called after me, I was still in panic; disorientated and feared to death.

"S-Sayo... Sayo was here." I whispered inaudibly, tears threatening to spill out.

"No, he wasn't. Eren, it was just a nightmare." He sat on the edge of my bed, longing for me with one extended arm. "I won't hurt you."

That sentence. It made me cry for real.

I slapped his hand away and wrapped my own arms around his neck instead, holding onto him tightly as I breathed unevenly. "J-Just... Just a nightmare?"

"Yes. Only a nightmare. You don't have to be scared. That Sayo guy won't try things on you anymore." Levi's voice was sooth and reassuring, his hand running down my hair had an additional relaxing effect.

I hugged him even tighter, burying my head in the crook of his neck. "Where am I?"

"In your room." he replied softly.

My room? My old room? I can vaguely remember that I went home to my old apartment together with Levi. Was this really the place I belonged to? I didn't want to stay here, did I? But I guess I couldn't leave this place either. At least not yet.

"Levi..." I let go of him, not meeting his eyes though.

All of a sudden, the raven lay me back onto the mattress, moving some strands from my forehead as he whispered lowly. "Rest a bit more. I'm going to make you something to eat."

"But I don't wanna." I said poutingly as Levi covered me with a blanket.

"No buts." And with that he left the room.

I sighed lowly as I turned my body to lay on my side, pulling my blanket up to my nose, and closing my eyes to review my current situation.

I really went back to Levi, huh? Levi who...

... hurt me the most?

... I fell in love with?

But it wasn't like I went back to him to become his fuck buddy again.

I just needed someone by my side for the time being. I couldn't stay alone at the moment-not after what had happened last night.

What was I going to do now?

Levi was only nice because I became a victim of an attempted rape. He won't care that much about me forever. I did know that, and I had to deal with it.

'Don't give up on Levi.'

No! This was not the right time to think of this! How could Armin dare say something like that in the first place?!

I pressed my eyes shut as a deep knit formed on my brows. My body curled up and I placed my hands over my stomach, even though it didn't ache there.

I had already given up! He knew that very well! I had given up and wanted to forget about everything that had something to do with Levi!

I had already...

Fuck.

I had already given up. But part of me hadn't given up yet. That part of me didn't want to forget until it had every explanation they needed. No half-ass break-ups, no half-ass explanations. I needed to know everything. Not only that I needed to, I also wanted to know everything.

'Eren, you have to find out why Levi is the way he is.'

Was I really going to do what Armin told me to do? If yes, then he was right all along.

Whatever floated through my mind now, one thing was for sure: I was here, together with Levi. And I didn't plan to leave without having answers. No matter how much it would harm me.

Thinking of all these things distracted me that much that I didn't notice how the door was opened and Levi entered. It was not before he asked me something that I had finally acknowledged his presence.

"Are you still awake?" A monotonous tone with a touch of concern.

"No." Nonchalant and rude.

"I made you some soup. You should eat it. Your body needs that." I felt a weight sitting down on the edge of my bed. He wouldn't let me like that until I had something in my stomach, huh?

Since I had no other chance, I sat up slowly, looking at my hands resting on the blanket.

"Eat." he told me as he handed me a bowl of soup. The liquid was warm and smelled good. Even if I didn't have any appetite, I was hungry as hell. But insecurity overcame me when I had to think of how I would eat now. I was pretty sure that my hands were going to shake heavily with the spoon in my hand and since it was out of question for me to get fed by Levi, I opted for something else.

Instead, I raised the bowl to my lips and drank up. The soup was really delicious, though I wouldn't admit that out loud, but on the other hand Levi could most certainly already tell from my greedy gulps and the fact that I emptied the bowl in less than 5 minutes.

In that short moment, I was able to forget the situation I was in. It was complicated and I didn't know how to deal with it.

"T-Thank you for the meal." Not even this felt awkward to me at this very moment.

Levi placed the bowl ontop of my nightstand before he held a cup of tea in front of me. "It will do you good." he stated plainly.

This reminded me of yesterday when he had offered me a cup of tea, too. My hands.

As if Levi understood, he brought the cup to my lips himself as his other hand gripped the back of my head softly, tilting it back. I hadn't realized everything right away, but luckily I had already gone that far to open my mouth to let the tea inside my mouth that was already going down my throat now. The tea was hotter than the soup had been, but it was bearable to swallow.

The bad thing was how two things came to my mind while Levi was giving me that drink. First, that dream where I went back to being his fuck buddy again and he treated me with a glass of wine, having done the exact same with me as he was doing right now. Second, the unpleasant thought that I was dependant on him. I couldn't drink on my own and needed his help instead. I was depending on him, despite of the fact that this was the worst for me!

The second thing bothered me that much that I moved my head away from the cup now, turning to the side as part of the liquid spilled onto the blanket.

This wasn't the kind of taking care of someone that I wished for. Not when the one taking care of me was someone who wasn't normally like that. I was playing with fire.

"What is it?" Levi sounded honestly concerned. I didn't know what to think of this. I didn't know how long this side of Levi would last. I had to admit, it meant a lot to me when I saw how much Levi cared about me yesterday. He alredy began worrying about me when he saw me drunk on the streets. But who knew what was really going on in his mind. What if he was just pitying me really much?

"That's enough." I replied to his prior question, still not meeting eyes with him.

The raven set down the cup and shifted his eyes to me after that. "How do you feel right now?"

This question was a hard one. I couldn't quite tell how I was feeling. Pretending and claiming that I was feeling better than I actually was, wouldn't bring me anywhere. On the other hand, I was pretty sure that I would have felt more of a wreck if it hadn't been for Levi who took care of me. Because right now he was seriously concerned about me, and thus he wouldn't dare make any inappropriate or manipulative moves on me.

I wanted it to stay like that. "I-I'm just glad that I don't have to see him anymore. I hope he will rot in jail." My voice seemed to croak deep in my throat, coming out weaker than wanted.

I wanted Levi to be exactly like that... caring, gentle, honest... but when did something ever turn out the way I wanted it to be...

Nothing. I had nothing, and this wouldn't change.

"Also..." My mouth had opened without me processing fast enough. In fact, I surprised myself with the words that left my mouth next. "I'm glad that you rescued me."

Levi remained silent for a while, averting his eyes before he answered. "You would be grateful to anyone who has saved you. It doesn't matter whether it is me or someone else. As long as they save you."

This was not what I had expected to hear from him, which made me insecure now. I didn't know where our conversation was heading to, but at the same time I didn't want to end everything here and now.

This was my only chance!

"You are probably right..." I admitted sheepishly, not enough confidence accompanying my voice. That thought changed in a matter of seconds in which I clenched the blanket and exclaimed in a slightly risen voice and with more sincerity now, "That's wrong! What you are saying is wrong!"

"What?" Levi questioned in a confused voice.

How should I go on now? I had to explain it somehow. Taking a deep breath, I then spoke out the thing that came to my mind first. And unlike every other time, this thought seemed to be a good one. "I was really glad that you saved me because... in those few seconds before you appeared I had thought about you. About you... and me... and the fact that we had talked barely minutes before. In that very moment, all I wished for was to be back at talking to you."

"Regarding what has happened to you after that... Of course it would've been better if we hadn't ended our conversation..."

"I know that already. It was because you couldn't stand me being all drunk and you were probably annoyed of my insults."

"It wasn't because of your insults in particular but..." Once again Levi took his time to speak, this time threading his fingers. "You hate me for who I am, huh?"

It was at this very moment that I figured out unexpectedly how I had to use the one and only chance that was granted me. What Levi had said just now was like a code to me. If I wanted him to reveal his true self and the story behind it, I had to approach him mentally-being highly cautious while doing so. I didn't know much about psychology and neither did I know shits about therapeutical methods that helped me out, but by now I knew very well that Levi could get irritated very fast when sensitive topics were picked up, hence this lead to the conclusion that if I made one false step on gaining his full trust, everything was over. One false move and Levi will go back to his usual distant behaviour.

"Tell me everything about you." I demanded sternly, not realizing right away what I had said just now...

No! Oh my fucking god, no! I fucked up big time right away! Shit, why did I say this out loud?! It was just where I wanted to go with my plan, but that didn't mean I had to say this in particular that to him!

I was already hearing a faint 'tch' leaving his lips. At this point, I realized that I hadn't any opportunity to fix my mistake anymore and so I had no other choice than to accept that Levi was going to drop this matter in a matter of few seconds, leaving the room then with a scowl on his face, probably wondering once again how much of a brat I was capable of behaving like.

But even after one minute had passed, nothing of what I had expected occured. Levi didn't freak out. He didn't stand up and he didn't leave the room either. Instead, I got an answer of him. "Give me one reason why I should tell you." he said in a serious tone.

I regarded his face first, only spotting a stoic expression, before I lowered my eyes to my hands. I still had to take some time to fully comprehend that Levi really didn't snap at my statement, not forgetting what I had wanted him to tell me. And now that the first big step was made, which had contained a big amount of risk, confidence filled my mind, encouraging me. "Because I love you." I retorted with as much honesty in my voice as possible.

The raven scoffed. "Tch. Love. Such a bullshit. I don't need anyone's love. Love is never real or infinite."

He was revealing more than I had expected of him to say if we weren't in this kind of situation. "What do you mean, Levi?" I questioned cautiously, edging a tiny bit closer to him.

"I won't tell. Why should I? I told myself to never ever trust anyone too much again."

Even if he stated all these things, his voice revealed something else that wasn't in keeping with what he was saying to me. To be honest, I was pretty much certain that Levi did want to tell me about himself, but something I couldn't quite define was hindering him to do so. Something that had enough power to affect him and convince him that it wasn't worth telling-or rather, it was wrong telling, for whatever reason.

Maybe I should give it another try. "If you open up to me, I will take back what I said to you yesterday." Not the best thing I came up with, but better anything than nothing. Again, this had some risk.

Levi scowled at me. "Tch, what the fuck is this? Blackmailing?"

I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out what to do next. It wasn't like Levi didn't want to open up; he couldn't. Perhaps he desperately waited for me to convince him to speak about his past. In other words, Levi needed proof that he could trust me before he would dare tell something about him. He needed that proof because people had hurt him and his faith in others. Of course, I could only assume that, but something inside me told me that I was close to being right.

So I shifted in my bed completely now until I was sitting next to him. Right at this moment, Armin's words passed my mind.

'Your stubborness would bring you somewhere that was worth to fight for.'

I was the only one who could bring Levi to open up? Well then...

Even if I hated my life the most at the moment, my life wasn't the center or attention right now. Right now, it was only Levi's life that was of relevance.

"Levi..." I said in a soothing voice, placing one hand on his shoulder as I looked in his eyes from the side because he would still refuse to turn around to face me properly. "Levi, we know each other for almost 10 months now. It may be that we moved together and started our fuck buddy thing only six months ago, but... In those 6 months, did I ever seem untrustworthy to you?" There was a slight frown forming on his face, though it wasn't because I was lying. I was telling the truth. "Did I ever lie to you? Did I ever think of you as a low human being who was reduced to having sex with others only? No. No, not once did I think of you like that. No matter how you treated me, I never betrayed you in any way. Because Levi..." My hand wandered down to his hand, intertwining our fingers and squeezing our palms together. I wanted him to have faith in me. "I care."

This time his whole body startled barely visible, his expression saddening.

I went on. "I care because I want to understand you. I care because I love you, Levi."

It was unbelievable, even to me, how many times I had changed my mind between continuing to love him and starting to forget about him and vice versa in these past few weeks. I didn't know whether I would change my mind again in the future, but as for now it seemed that I wouldn't.

"Why... Why should I believe you?" he asked in a low tone, still not meeting eyes with me.

His doubts were justified, I guess. If, just as he had stated just now, his trust was misused in the past at least once, then he had all reason not to make that mistake again, if he was sure that next time it would be the same. But it wasn't the same this time. How should I make it clear to him?

And then, all of a sudden, the key came to my mind.

I held the metal in my hands for a while, contemplating whether it was the right choice to do that or not. In the end, I had to do this because I had no other choice. So I took off the golden key and placed it in Levi's palm. "The key you gave me means a lot to me. I'm sure that it has a meaning." Levi didn't respond to this, but the fact that he didn't was evidence enough that it indeed held a special meaning. "Whatever the story of that key is, I'm entrusting it to you now. If you think that I was lying to you, that I wasn't worth to be trusted, that I don't care about you and your feelings then... Then feel free to throw the key away. In front of my eyes. You can break it or whatever. I know that I won't bear seeing you doing that, but that is exactly why I'm doing this here right now. Because I know myself the best. I know that I was honest the whole time just now, and all I hope for is that you will trust me." I let his fingers wrap around the key and rested my hands on his now closed fist, holding it protectively. I wanted to give him the same feeling that I had when he took care of me yesterday. Even if it was only for once that he did that to me, I was glad that I was able to see another side of him.

Oh god, I could already sense the tears accumulating in my eyes.

"Kuchel," he began all of a sudden.

"What?" What he was saying there confused me, since I was still fighting with my tears, lost in my own thoughts.

"Shut up and listen." He put emphasis on each and every word, giving off the impression that it took him everything to continue talking about the thing that he was going to tell me in a few seconds. From now on, I'd let him speak without interrupting.

"Kuchel... was my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. From what I got to know later when I was older was that Kuchel was a prostitute before she got pregnant with me. In other words, my father is one of her filthy customers. Because of her pregnancy she couldn't work as a whore anymore and from what it was told to me by my uncle, the dude she worked for kicked her out and after that she was practically homeless. The only person she had left was her brother Kenny, my uncle, who even offered her to help. At first she accepted, but right after my birth she left his home and sought shelter without the help of her own brother. I can't explain why she did that, but because of the things that the two of us had to experience I wished that she would have stayed at Kenny's house." Levi made a little pause, biting his lips in... discomfort, I would say. I couldn't do else than to express pity, stroking his right arm. He stopped me midway, holding the back of my hand fiercely.

It was not before the raven felt like continuing that he really did so. "I remember everything clearly starting from the age of 3. And I remember everything really really clearly. Those thoughts will always stay in my mind. Each and every detail. You won't be spared from them either. It's your fault for wanting to know, so don't complain later. My mother and I were living with some guy who was aggressive most of the time. Also, other men visited the house, too, and went with her to a room and then they left leaving some money, though most of it was taken by Kuchel's lover. Later, when I was older and thought back to it, I figured out that she had been whoring again. But the worst was how all of these men, including her own guy, treated her. Sometimes I witnessed how they beat her in front of my eyes. Those guys scared me to death and it hurt seeing my own mom getting beaten up. Afterwards, Kuchel would tell me that it was alright, trying to stop me from my crying because I always cried a lot when I saw her like that. You have to know... We lived in slums under very poor conditions and that shithead of lover didn't give Kuchel much money, even though she sold her body for all those disgusting and worthless piece of shits."

What he was telling me there was a really tough life he used to live together with his mom. Now that I knew, I can fully understand why he didn't really like to talk about it. But of course I couldn't know now yet how much worse Levi's life actually used to be.

"When the guy had taken out his aggressiveness on Kuchel, he would always go outside for a while. That was a time I was glad for, even though I knew that it wouldn't last long. During that time I tried to treat the wounds of my mother and take care of her as much as I was capable of. It was just devastating seeing the blood and bruises on her body, which made me cry, too. Kuchel would always say that it was half as bad as it looked like and that she is alright, but I never believed her words. It was obvious that she was in pain. Each passing day that she and I had to endure were worse than the day before. I couldn't watch anymore how that man hit her and how my mother was defenseless against him, and I was, too. I was barely 4 years old. But no matter how young I was, it didn't change my mind that I had to do something against that. So that was why one day when the fucking bastard threw her to the floor, like he usually would, and was about to stomp on her, it was me who attempted to prevent that by protecting her body with my own one. While I did so, I cried out and begged for him to stop hurting my mom. Kuchel panicked as soon as I was shielding her, telling me to go off her right immediately. I ignored her words and continued clinging onto her, but I understood why she was so anxious about me as soon as I felt the hard sole of the guy's shoe hitting against my back. It was then that I figured out how that man didn't hesitate to hurt anyone who got in his way. Kuchel screamed when she witnessed how I got stomped by him, pleading him to stop doing that. Not even seconds later, I felt how someone tugged at my arm and then my body was thrown across the room with much force. I was a bit dazed, but I was able to see how mom had tried to hinder the man to come closer to me. I heard her crying loudly and begging desperately, but the guy held her back and approached me with a madface. I couldn't move from my spot as he spat at me, yelling about how I could dare get in his way and annoy him. He then grabbed me by my collar, pulling me up, my legs dangling in the air, and I was looking into insane eyes that were full of wrath. I wanted to call after my mother because I was frightened by him and his glare, but before I could even think of opening my mouth, my face was already met with a fist. I fell to the floor, the ache caused by the impact spreading in my face like a wildfire. It was the first time that I got punched in the face and I would always remember how that hit had hurt like hell. I heard Kuchel shouting 'No!' very loudly and after that she hugged me tightly, probably protecting me because actually both of us expected him to strike again. Instead of another punch, we made out steps that were distancing from us and he yelled at my mother something along the lines 'Show that asshole some manners!' and the... the c-word. I could feel clearly how much Kuchel was shaking in the embrace while she scried and apologized to me over and over again. All I did was to tell her that my face hurt and then she apologized to me again. I think that punch traumatized me for a while because I don't remember that I had been crying at that time."

Seriously, getting to hear all these things caused a lump to form in my throat. It was only now that I understood fully why Levi had cared about my injured cheek back then and who he meant by 'them'. Levi couldn't see how someone like me got hurt by him, even though I didn't deserve it. He might not know or hadn't realized yet how much he hurt me emotionally, but he knew very well that he hurt me physically by accident once, and he regretted that right away. This could only mean that, by all means, he didn't want to count himself as an abuser, especially not when he used to know one. There was no doubt that he wasn't one of them. I hugged his arm now, still staying silent because I hadn't the strength to say something now.

"It was on the same day at night that my mom woke me up and told me that we would leave this place. She didn't even let me time to wake up fully and instead carried me outside, being as silent as possible to not wake up the shithead. After that, she ran and and ran; far away from that place, but we were still in the slums. Though, it became clear very fast that there was actually nowhere to go. We were homeless, literally. It was in the middle of the night and it was cold, but we had no warm place to stay at. Instead, Kuchel brought us to some place on the streets that was a bit hidden from the main street, setting me down there as she told me that we would have to spend the night outside. I didn't really complain because I though that every place was better than living in the same rooftop as that fucking abuser. We were able to find some cupboards to sit on and cover ourselves with, but that was all. My small body wasn't used to extreme temperatures at all, and mom noticed that, so she wrapped her jacket over my freezing body, herself getting cold. But she told me that she was fine and that it was more important to keep me warm and before I could say something against that, I had already fallen asleep. The next day we had searched for a place to stay at. Unfortunately, Kuchel wasn't able to take some money with her, meaning that we had literally nothing with us that could help us out. In the end, we lived on the streets for a few days before we got some shelter. I had to admit, in those days as homeless people I had some pleasant times with my mother, but they were of short amount of time, but nevertheless I still haven't forgotten about them. Because it was only me and my mom, and no violent person with us. At some days, she had sung a lullaby and that was what I had liked the most. I loved listening to her voice, it made me feel a lot better. However, a few days later some man offered us to live with him. He acted friendly and kind to my mother, but to me he seemed shady-too shady. Perhaps Kuchel noticed that, too, but she didn't express her doubts towards him. So from then on we lived together with him. Even after some months that guy didn't do anything bad to us, it went that far that he confessed to my mother, which I found strange. I had never heard before how someone told her that and neither did I really trust him at first, but later I guessed that he was serious. It may be that I was a little bit ignored by him, but he treated my mom well, often even making her laugh genuinely. I figured out that I didn't mind him, as long as he made Kuchel happy. It went on like that for approximately one year before... everything changed completely. Her lover was an occasional drinker to begin with and he convinced my mother to drink some alcohol, too, though 'some' turned into 'much' very fast. After one year, that man reached the point where he was kind of a heavy drinker and with the intoxication of alcohol came also his rough attitude. It started with how he was calling me a piece of shit, a worthless kid or an unwanted child whenever I was alone with him. I told my mom about that, but she didn't really listen to me, rather caring about the alcohol instead and always making sure that there would be enough at home."

Did that mean that Kuchel, the only person who was important to Levi, did change, too, which affected him a lot? Was the raven going to tell me that his own mother didn't care about her son anymore? How awful... To be honest, I was a bit scared of what would come next.

"At some point, she started to ignore me nearly as much as her guy ignored me, having only eyes for him who was fault at changing her like that. It was unbearable for me to see how she didn't really take notice of me anymore. After all I was her child. A child loves his mother, right? I wanted to show that to her and receive the same back. After all these years, I never ever heard a 'I love you' coming out of her mouth. Even if she loved me, but didn't say it, I wanted to hear it; at least once. I mean, I heard her saying that to her man, so expressing her love for me was practically a must. First, I tried to be with her alone when she was most likely sober. I told her that I was feeling lonely recently, but she would always shoo me away and give excuses like she had a headache or was tired. She cared about me lesser and lesser as time passed until I felt like a stranger in her presence. That wasn't even the worst though. The worst was how the things from when we lived with her prior lover repeated itself again. As I said, Kuchel's guy was an alcoholic and one day he got mad while being drunk, accusing my mom to have cheated on him. Not only that, but also that she was a nuisance to him. He yelled at my mother and destroyed things while Kuchel tried to calm him down and make clear to him that she didn't do anything wrong. I didn't know where he got these accusations from, but they were all wrong. It was probably due to his drunkness. No matter how much our relationship had changed, I would always stand on her side and I knew that my mom wasn't a nuisance. Anyway, Kuchel's attempts were useless and that fucker didn't calm down either, the fight went on as it was. I had witnessed everything from a bit far away because I was worried about my mother and in the end my worries were reasoned. Again, she had to experience how a man hit her. It didn't matter to me whether the drunkard knew what he was doing or not, before I had realized it fully I was already in front of where my mom was standing. I knew very well that at that time, I had expanded my arms to my sides and was looking up at the guy with fear all over my face and a shaky body. I was prepared that, like last time, I would receive a punch again, but at that very moment I accepted that. As long as my mom wouldn't get hurt, I was willing to take the hits. I had told him in a shaky voice not to hurt my mom to which he answered with another loud exclamation, insulting me. I didn't falter, expecting the worst, but what happened was something I couldn't believe. Not once did I break eye contact with that man, so I was even more surprised when something hit my face. It was a slap with a flat hand, but hard enough to make me fall."

Someone else than the man hit him? Who? Wait... Don't tell me...?

"The next thing I heard was the angry voice of my mother. She shouted something along the lines 'What are you doing there? I told you not to get in my way! Why won't you listen to me at least once?!' It was then that I progressed that my mother slapped me for the first time in my life. And unlike last time, this time she was mad at me because I interfered in their fight, not because there was the chance that her lover would hit me, too. If she hadn't wanted him to punch me, she wouldn't have done that to me herself."

What?! His own mother abused him? "B-But..." The first time since a long time that I began speaking again. "But it was just a slip, right? She only did that because she was out of control for that one time, right?" Please say yes, oh please let it be that one time! "She was probably just drunk and utterly annoyed, right? She didn't really mean it. Right?!" My voice was filled with despair, only wanting to hear one word: 'Yes.'

Levi didn't answer, silenced for quite a while. "I wish it had been that one time."

No!

"To be honest, when I looked into her eyes I was scared. I was scared because of what I saw in them. The love for her own son was draining out of her eyes and was replaced by hatred. Do you know how it feels like knowing that your own mother started to hate you? That your own mother doesn't have any love left inside her for her own child? Do you know how that feels like?"

This may be a rhetorical question, but I had that urge to answer it. With a really weak and defeated voice, I said, "No... No, I don't know how it feels like."

"Good for you. I don't wish that for anyone else to happen, too."

I hadn't expected such a turn of events. I would have never ever guessed that Levi's mother really gave up to care about her own son. How could she even? How can someone treat their own child like that?

One deep sigh before Levi went on. "She yelled at me and didn't want to see me and at that point I had found out that she had changed completely, even towards me. It was the fault of her lover and the alcohol. It was no wonder that the guy was on her side, or should I better say she was on his side, insulting and scolding the shit out of me."

No... No more... I didn't want to hear more... but I knew that I had to if I wanted to understand him. But listening to all these things made me... utterly upset. How could he even talk normally about his past without tearing up? How couldn't Levi show any emotions when talking about the most personal things? Did that mean that he couldn't get moved by them because...

"At that day, I had locked myself in my room and cried my eyes out because it was the first time that my own mother smacked me. Nevertheless, I didn't want to give up. She was my mother after all. So on days where she was most likely sober and in a rather good mood I tried to gain her attention. Like, I told her that I was hungry, tired, hurt or whatever else came to my mind. But all she did was to shove me away and tell me not to get her on her nerves. Most of the time, she then left the room we were in or she even went outside, leaving me behind-all alone and lonely. Well, not always alone. Often her lover was in the house, too, and when he saw me there - close to crying again- he approached me and dragged me to the floor, holding my face or my upper body down with his boots. Then, he would say all the things that I didn't want to hear. That I was a nuisance, that I was unwanted, and the worst was how he claimed that my mother didn't love me at all. Regardless of everything that had happened already, I was still convinced that there was still a bit love left inside my mother. It just needed to be freed. I don't know... Maybe I stuck to those convictions because I didn't want to believe myself that he was right. So I neglected his sayings and told myself to make my mom love me again. And what the guy said to me after that had me shocked for a long time, the words repeating in my head time and again. He claimed that Kuchel is dissatisfied with her own life because of me. That she would live a life ten times better if I weren't existing. He said that I was an unwanted child and therefore didn't deserve the love of my own mother."

It broke my heart. It broke me listening to this. It broke me knowing now that all Levi ever wanted as a child was to receive the gentle love of his mother, which he didn't get. Getting hit instead had a more destructive and heart-breaking effect to it.

"From then on, everything was just wrong. Kuchel's lover would still hit her whenever he was pissed-off, drunk, mad or all three of them. The worst was how my mother didn't decide to leave that ass of a man because he would always apologize to her when he was sober again and she was ignorant enough to buy it and forgive him. Let me tell you that from what I've seen he really did a lot to win over her again. But other than that, nothing changed. My mom would hit me, too, whenever she was drunk of angry with me, though I never figured out plausible reasons for the latter because all I tried was to spend as much time as possible with her. But she wouldn't allow me that and rather spent her time with her guy, mostly at home, accompanied by lots of fights and loud noises in between their calm moments, and as much as it hurt me seeing her getting hurt, I knew that I was defenseless against that. Because if I attempted to protect her, I would get beaten by my mother herself and not her abuser. There was a time when I realized what love was in my eyes: Love was a waste, an illusion, and nothing good would come out of it except getting hurt; physically and emotionally. That was what I saw in my mother's relationships with other men and I personally had experienced that, too. Someone who would say that love is the best thing in the world is ignorant."

Wrong. He was wrong. Love was something beautiful. But of course he won't believe anyone who would say that. After all, he experienced a wrong way of love, but since he didn't know how real love felt like, he believed in his own conviction; that conviction that he created after hopeless attempts of getting loved by the person who should have appreciated and treasured him the most. At this point, I think I understood why Levi couldn't love anymore. Kuchel didn't treat Levi, her precious son, with love and abused him instead. Her lovers were abusers, too, hurting him as well. I guess I would have given up, too. Who would want to try getting loved if all it resulted to was pain. Also, Kuchel's relationship to her lovers showed off a wrong portrayal of love. Levi, as a child, probably thought that love was something dangerous and abusive. I had to show him that love was actually something beautiful. What he got to know in his past wasn't a sign of affection at all!

The only thing that affected me the most at the moment was that thing about his mother... It had most certainly been like a nightmare for Levi once he found out that Kuchel didn't really care about her son's feelings anymore. If someone didn't receive love from their mother... then it was obvious that they would have difficulties to love and trust others.

"Love is either wrong or temporary. There is no in between." Levi stated, no emotions evident in his voice.

"Y-You're wrong..." I retorted, unsure how to go on.

But Levi was the first one to talk. "You think so? I have more than one proof that I'm right. That thing with my mother was one thing, but that thing with her and and her lovers wasn't as different. In reality, no one of them really loved her. It was shortly before I turned 6 that Kuchel's guy kicked us out. He said that he was sick of having a child around him and he claimed that my mom was going on his nerves with all the fights. Would someone say that to a person they confessed to? Then why the fuck did he say those shits to my mom? Everything would have been better without him. Without many protests we had to face the fact again that we were homeless one more time. It was on the first day, as we were walking down the streets without any destination, that I saw my mother crying in despair. The whole time I was holding her hand as I looked up at her. I asked her why she didn't go back to uncle Kenny. I know that, shortly before we were kicked out, he visited her, asking if she was fine and whether she needed any help because he had offered to help her if it was necessary. She lied to him, telling him that she hadn't any problems. I had witnessed their conversation from the floor, but Kenny didn't spot me. Anyway, Kuchel said to me that there was no way that we would go to my 'shitty uncle' because she didn't want his help. Back then I couldn't quite tell why she was against that, but I guess that she would have to show defeat towards him once he found out how bad of a situation she was in, and she probably didn't want to depend on others. For that, she would rather live on the streets. So when I was trying to cheer her up in some way, Kuchel's cries stopped and she glared at me then. She murmured something about 'It's your fault.' and 'Everything is shitty because of a damn child.' and before I knew it, she had already shoved me aside, going away without me. I didn't know what was happening, but it was obvious that I didn't want to be left alone. I called after my mom who distanced herself from me farther, but the only response I got from her was to not follow her. I was too overwhelmed and scared of the fact that she had abandoned me that I couldn't move from my spot. I stayed there, sitting on the cold ground of the streets as I bawled my eyes out. There were other people around me, homeless ones and passerbys, but no one really paid attention to me. Why would they? Living in the slums was already hard enough, who would want to deal with a child voluntarily when they had nothing for themselves? I sat there for a few hours, not knowing what I should do. I was alone and nowhere to go to. After all, I had no clue where uncle Kenny was living because he might have helped me. It was a surprise when Kuchel came back to me around night, holding a good amount of money in one of her hands. It seemed that she had calmed down because her voice was soft when she told me to get up because sitting on the cold ground wouldn't do my body good. She took one of my hands in her own as we headed to a certain place. The whole time, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make her mad again and to be honest, I liked the silence more. My mom didn't talk much either. I found out that she brought us to a place where we could get something warm to eat, something like a run-down restaurant in the slums. Also, she had bought me a blanket. At that time, I didn't want to think where she got that money from, although I was pretty much sure what the answer was. So for once did I feel like everything revolved around me. I was sitting on my mom's lap with the blanket wrapped around my body as I was eating the warm meal, with my mother running her hand through my hair. You must know, we never had much to eat, so being full from a meal for once was one of the best feelings ever. Kuchel then said that she found someone who would give us shelter. Immediately, I had a bad feeling about that and told her what if it was again someone who was an abuser. She didn't really know how the man was like, but at the same time she tried to make it clear to me that we had no other choice if we didn't want to sleep on the streets. So we headed to the man's home. That man was a really muscular male with many tattooes and piercings who didn't even try to be nice to anyone. My first impression was that he wasn't that awful either, but I started holding a grudge against him the second he called me little shorty. He said to my mom that she should remember that he would give us only shelter if she really offered her body to him as exchange. She reassured him that she would stick to the deal. It made me upset, seeing how my mom had to do these things to ensure us a living. In those weeks we lived with him, I figured out that he was someone who never listened to anyone else and all he wanted was a woman by his side and something good to eat and drink. Unfortunately, he also was like the other guys before. If he was pissed, his hand would rise and meet with my mother's face. He was awful. I wasn't spared of that, too. Again, one day, Kenny had visited us and asked how everything was going and why Kuchel had changed her partner again. She didn't say much and made him leave the apartment quickly, although it was obvious that my uncle was really worried about his sister. I didn't know what had driven me to do that, but one day when I couldn't endure any of that anymore, I confronted him and yelled in his face that he was an asshole like everyone other man and I shouted at him some other insulting things. Kuchel had heard that, too, and scolded me for having said that. The man reacted immediately and grabbed my arm, squeezing my wrist achingly. He had put on a crazy grin as he grabbed a lighter, lighting it up. After that, he placed the lighter under my arm, gradually raising it to my skin as the little fire slowly burned my skin. He wanted me to say that again as he held the lighter, squeezing my arm even more, the pain from the fire growing. Out of despair, I apologized to him and begged him to stop as I tried to pull my arm away, but he didn't falter. Instead, he laughed insanely, amused how superior he was over the situation. I was pretty sure that he wanted to burn a hole in my skin if it wasn't for my mom who released me from his grasp. She told me to go to my room, so I walked away, but only to watch everything from a safe place. I saw how they got into a fight, Kuchel was mad at him for almost burning my arm, but he didn't seem to regret his doings. So my mother went completely mad and was about to hit the guy with a bottle, but he was faster, snatched the bottle and pushed Kuchel aside. She hit her head against something and cried out to it loudly. I had witnessed with my own eyes how she fell forward and onto the floor, blood seeping from her head not many seconds later. The man just cursed 'Shit!' or so and made his leave after that, and that was the last time I saw him. I ran up to my mom as fast as I could and when I had reached her, there was already a little blood puddle around her."

Wait, did that hit against Kuchel's head kill her...?

"I had tried to stop that bleeding, but it wouldn't stop. I had no clue how to call an ambulance, after all there was no electronic device around and there was no way that I would leave my mother for a while to find someone who could help. With blood smearing my hands and clothes and tears staining my face, I got to hear the last words leaving her lips before she went silent forever. She called my name a few times first and had tried to look at me, but had failed because she couldn't raise her head, so I lowered my face to hers. At first, I hadn't realized that my mom was on the verge of dying and even worse was how I couldn't do anything to help her. Instead, I listened to her last words. It was incomplete, but enough for me to understand. She had whispered, 'I'm sor...' -ry. She wanted to say 'I'm sorry.' I couldn't quite tell what exactly she was apologizing for, but at that moment I didn't care. For a while, I even blamed myself for her death. If I hadn't messed with her lover, she wouldn't have died. It was because I couldn't shut my mouth that they got into a fight that escalated in the end. But another part of me told me that I had to say these things to him. After all, I didn't want anyone to hurt her anymore. But in the end, I had hurt myself the most because I had now lost the person who meant everything to me."

Oh my god... This was so sad. Such a tragic story. I didn't understand... I didn't understand how Levi could tell everything without his voice faltering or his feelings overtaking him. How could he stay calm when he was talking about his mother's death?

"A few days passed until someone found me and-" he stopped as soon as he heard my sniffles. "Eren, are you crying?" Levi looked at me now, his brows furrowed and his eyes showing off disbelief.

It was true. I wasn't able to hold back anymore. No one would have been able-except for Levi. Tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably as I tried to control my feelings that were overwhelming me right now. "H-How can someone not cry to something like that?!" I didn't hold back any of my sobs and let everything out that needed to be released.

Levi was about to give me a tissue when I pulled him to me and hugged him tightly, crying on his shoulders. I held him tightly in my arms, not wanting to let go of him. It wasn't because I needed it... I wanted to give him the feeling that I was there for him. I understood him now. I understood very well why he was the way he was. He suffered from many horrible abuses and lost his mother who also was partly at fault for the bad side of his past, but nevertheless she was someone important to him. Actually, I was astonished that after all these things Levi still became a person who didn't give up in life. He was a man who decided to live on, but for that he threw something else away. Something that could make his life complete. I wanted to give him the love he needed. I wanted to be the one to give him the thing he had always sought when he was younger.

I loved him, and I wanted to make him love.

All he needed was love!

It really took me at least ten minutes to collect myself and stop my crying. My sleeves were covered by my tears and my cheeks were reddened from all the rubbing.

"Are you okay now? If you want me to stop, tell me."

I shook my head quickly. "No, no. I want to hear everything." How much was there still to come?

Instead of turning back to his original position, he continued while looking at me the whole time, probably watching whether I would cry again or not. "It was Kenny who found me. He had probably wanted to look after Kuchel again. I didn't know how many days had passed until he found me. Three, four or five days, I guess. During that time, I was sitting on the floor, against a wall, my legs pulled to my chest and my eyes fixated on one certain spot on the floor. I still had blood on my clothes and I was starving to death, but the thing was that I was like in a freezed daze. Unable to move or to think properly, still too paralyzed of the happenings. Long story short, from then on, Kenny took care of me for a few years. He taught me how to fight most of the time, but I never really understood why I would have to fight. There is one thing that I still remember from one of his lessons: 'Do not show any emotions while fighting!' He always wanted me to repeat that because I sucked at fighting at the beginning, but I would always remember his words. Around that time was also the time I cried for the last time and from then on never again. I once asked him if he wanted me to live by my own in a few years, but he reassured me that I won't be living in the slums all by myself. Of course, I hadn't paid attention to his words very much, but only 4 years later, I found out why he wanted me to know how to fight. It may be true that he didn't leave me alone in the slums, but instead he brought me to an orphanage. To be quiet frank, I didn't want to live there. I liked living with Kenny. He didn't teach me much about social things, but he provided me with everything necessary. I even went to school, it was really rare that someone from the slums would ever afford that. In addition, I never ever was hungry again and all in all, I was living under decent conditions. Kenny explained to me that he couldn't take care of me anymore because his job wouldn't let him. He had to go abroad. I told him that I wanted to go with him, but he said that it was impossible. In the end, I had to accept that I was living in an orphanage from now on, and again I remembered how he told me that the moves he taught me might be necessary when I was living there. And he was right. Almost every orphan looked down at me from the very first day, probably hating me, even though I didn't do anything to them. I think none of them wanted to be seen as victim in the orphanage, no one of them wanted others to bully them. So they had tried to make me the victim. There were some older guys who wanted to beat me up and demanded from me to practically be their slave and do all the lousy jobs than one had to do once in a while. I rejected to which they picked up a fight with me. To their surprise, I came out as winner, having forced everyone to the floor. It wasn't that hard to fight against them. They weren't really using effective moves, so I was able to defend myself quite easily. Even if I won against them and didn't count as the slave or target, I was the outsider in the end. No one dared talk to me, not even approach me because I was able to beat everyone up. It wasn't like I wanted to do that, I would only use my skills when it was necessary, but no one cared about that. Everyone hated me even more now, but after a while I got used to it. Yeah, I even thought that it was better like that. If no one interacted with me, I had no reason to worry about anything. It was because of a certain person who became an orphan four years later that I lost trust in others for real this time and so I decided not to get hurt ever again. He was the reason why everything from the past overwhelmed and depressed for that one time. But it was also the last time. I altered the meaning behind Kenny's words. 'Do not show any emotions while fighting.' became 'Do not show any emotions at all.' to me. I told myself that I would never ever trust any person too much and I would never ever love another person. Like that, there was no chance that anyone could hurt me, no matter in which way. I had found a way how to protect myself from hurtful things and persons. 'Do not show any emotions.' Of course I couldn't erase any feelings, only the ones I was able to live without. I found out at least once that it was a mistake to have affectionate feelings, and I didn't want to make the same mistake again. When I was 15, Cassie and Richard adopted me and from then on, I lived together with them and Farlan and Isabel. Luckily, it was a lot better to live with a family in which I had a healthy relationship to them. They treated me well and equally, never having seen me as a child less worth than Farlan and Isabel. I didn't want anyone's pity, because I knew that they knew about my past, but I was glad that I was accepted by them. But that didn't meant that I would change my mentality and attitude towards life, because I didn't."

So when Levi was adopted he had already locked his feelings that much up that he wasn't able to even show any affection to the family that took care of him? "Does that mean you were - or still are - indifferent to the people who ensured you a good life? Don't you feel anything towards your family?"

The raven cleared his throat. "At first, I really had problems to socialize with them because I had that bad attitude of caring less about others and doing what I wanted to do without anyone giving me restrictions. I even hated it at first how all of them had tried to be nice to me and give me the impression that I wasn't an unwanted person in their family, but as time passed in which I spent time with them - and Farlan succeeded in taming my rebellious attitude - I didn't feel as estranged around them as before. It was them who enabled me to make it to something in life. They supported me in every way possible. For example, I wouldn't be granted my current job position - where only well-educated people had access to - without their help. They enabled me to attend university. But I never explicitly told them that I was thankful for everthing. I never felt like saying that to them."

But at least you were grateful to them inwardly. That was already a good sign.

Was is it even possible to make a person feel again?

How should someone love if they never were loved by someone?

Levi lived this kind of life for more than 10 years now. Did he have any feelings left?

I figured out that he wasn't completely emotionless; he said so himself. More importantly was whether Levi would feel those feelings again that humans express every day, no matter if subconsciously or consciously. Happiness, love, sadness. Those three emotions were the most important ones, I guess. Was it possible for me to make him feel those feelings again? Now that I was thinking of it... These three emotions were the exact feelings that he had felt when he was living with his mother. He loved her unconditionally, it utterly upset him to see how Kuchel was abused by men, and there were those few times that he lived with her in happiness; even if they used to be homeless at that time. He had his mom who cared about him dearly, even if it was only for a very short amount of time. Levi said that he would never ever forget how he and she spent time together where it was only the two of them.

"I talked a lot, I guess." Levi said out of the blue, tearing me apart from my thoughts. His eyes were shifted to the clock.

I snuggled into my blanket, taking one deep breath. Somehow I felt exhausted, even though I wasn't the one who had talked the whole time. "It's okay. I wanted you to tell me everything." A small smile was able to appear on my face, but it faded away as soon as I looked into Levi's hurt eyes. It surprised me that he looked at me in that way, as if he was instantly regretting that he had opened up to me. "Levi...?"

"Eren." He moved closer to me, our faces only a few inches apart anymore. His expression was serious and I hadn't a good feeling towards what was coming next. "All these years... I was able to hold a distance to everyone that I interacted with daily; on a mentally and physically basis. I thought of my family as my supporter, though each of them had my respect and I didn't mind if they showed me how much I meant to them. It was just that I didn't express the same feeling back. My friends are people who I didn't really mind having around me, though not once did I talk to any of them about really personal things-such as my past. They were my friends and I had a certain trust in them, it varies from friend to friend. Also, I make sure that I don't trust anyone too much because I know that it was bad. If I wanted to have my fun then I would have them without causing any big troubles. Most of the time, I had sex with people I wouldn't see again after that, but I never let it come that far that I would count myself as a sex-driven person. I enjoyed it when I had the chance to it, but it was never something necessary in my life. I dumped every person who confessed to me because I didn't want to deal with their shit-ass feelings, such as love. But all these things were before I met you, Eren."

It made me speechless to listen to these things, my mind completely confused, not knowing where Levi was leading to with his saying. I had a weird feeling, but I couldn't define it. It was something between hope and fear.

Levi raised a hand, caressing my cheek very softly. He didn't take his eyes away from mine, hypnotizing me with the unique greyness that was sparkling in his orbs now. "You are the first person with whom I had sex with more than once. I spent my time with you and slept with you enough to make you fall in love with me. I accepted that you confessed to me and I was the one who offered you the fuck buddy relationship, having totally ignored my principles. I think I wasn't against this because I was certain that you wouldn't change anything in me. After all, I was sure that I could control everything and myself. But... after all these months together with you... I don't know what this feeling is... But I know now that I shouldn't let it come this far. I had made a mistake because I realized that you aren't totally indifferent to me."

I think my breath was caught in my throat in those few seconds in which I had tried to let the words out that came to my mind first. Luckily, I gained my voice fast enough and while I grabbed the wrist of his hand that had rested on my face up until now, I said with as much steadiness in my voice as I could,

"This is love!"

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A/N: Okay, this time I really need feedback! I think I fucked up with the way Levi told Eren his past! I hope it wasn't too detailed ;-;

(Reminder: Follow my Instagram if you want to see any previews, edits or sneak peeks! The username is kawaii_eren)