I couldn't focus on Michael at all.. I know that we were there for to days in the lobby and another two in his room. I just kept plotting to kill. Finally, I decided to take matters into my own hands and I walked out.

Janet: Where are you going?

I shook my head. I couldn't answer her.. If I did, I'd be put into a crazy house until Michael came to check me out of that place.. What if I saw Chris? Then I'd be in jail for murder. I'd be the only culprit.. Nobody else hates him as much as I do. No one else is suing him. But everyone that he hurt would like to see his blood slashed all over the place.. God! Suzanne, what are you saying? Control yourself! What's wrong with you? I got into the vehicle and then sat there.

It must've been hours because when I blinked, it was getting dark. I drove home and just started preparing something for Michael's return. I hope he comes back at one hundred percent because I want to tell.. No.. I want to show him how sorry I am and how much I missed him. Hopefully.. He'll be into it. For the record.. I'm not having sex with him. I spent time looking for my paints and went outside. The cold air blew in my face and made my skin have goosebumps. I didn't care though. I just kept painting and then I frowned at it.. Why can't I draw or paint anything else? I placed the painting on my left and started on another one. This person looked familiar but I couldn't quite put my finger on who it was. The next person I painted was my mother.. She was always there for me when I needed her the most. I feel like I need her right now. To hold me and tell me what I should do and that everything will be alright. I miss her dearly..

I got up and went inside. I sat down and began to think.. How did this occur? Michael trading places with me.. Why? Why is he suffering? Why didn't God take me instead? I don't understand.. This isn't what I wanted.. I wanted to get away from him but I don't want him taken away from me. I miss him but.. It's hard to explain. I sighed and got up. I needed something.. Something that would take away my pain. Something painless and it'll make me feel better. Nothing but candy, pop, food, water, popsicles and... Wine? What's that doing here? I know I didn't buy this.. Michael doesn't drink.. Does he? It's never been opened and I just kept staring at it. I wondered on and on about it. I wanted to try it but I thought about it..

What if he wants to save it for a special occasion? What if it's not his? I don't know.. But whatever it is or whoever, I want it. It feels more like a need than a want and I just stared at it. I slammed the cabinet door and went out the front door. I couldn't do it. I got into the vehicle and drove to the store. I needed something to take away the pain. I just didn't know what I needed. I went to the front desk and asked the lady a question.

Suesie: Miss, do you have anything to take away pain? Not physical pain, mental.

She looked at me and I hated the expression on her face.

Lady: Sweetheart, what you need is right over here..

She showed me a section in the store that was full of liquor and wine.. I looked at her like she was crazy.

Suesie: Miss! I don't drink!

I said alarmed. She shrugged and started walking away.

Lady: I'm just showing what helps me get through my problems everyday. If you want to stay miserable, be my guest. But I'm telling you, it works.

I stood there baffled and looked at the aisle full of wine and liquor.. Full of nothing but trouble.. What would my mother do? She did drink occasionally but it was never a problem. I actually rarely saw her drink at all. But she always told me advice that came in handy..

'Suzanne, never have sex with any man that doesn't care about you or before you are married.. You never will be on the right path after you do..' My mother said. She took a sip of her wine and sighed as she put the glass up to her head.. I was too young to know what sex was but I would find out later on in life. 'And never ever let your mind get the best of you when times are rough. I made many mistakes in my lifetime, but the worst was drinking.. My best mistake that is now a blessing, is you..' I gave her a weird expression and she knew that I was hurt. She picked me up and held me close. 'Baby, you were never meant to come into this world the way that you did but I did plan to have you. The mistake itself was not you, but not waiting until I found myself a good man who wanted to settle down and marry me. Then that's when I planned to have you.' I looked down.. She wiped away my tear. 'You may not understand now, but you will when you grown up.. I Love You so much Suzanne.. Never let a man touch you against your will without a fight.' She started to cry and I never knew why. I didn't even know who my daddy was.. At least not yet.

I didn't realize that I was crying until my face started getting tight, hot and cold. Cold from the tears, tight from the tears drying up and hot from.. Well.. I'm not sure, but it is also from crying. I didn't study to be a doctor. I backed away slowly and went out of the store. I sat in the vehicle and sat there for a few seconds before I started throwing a tantrum. I started crying about Michael, my mother and everything that I had been through. I wished that it was me in Michael's place.. On death's doorstep so that I wouldn't have to put up with the world's shit. I started hitting the horn by accident and I couldn't stop. I don't remember much after that.. I must've fell asleep at some point because when I woke up, I was still in that same exact place. I slowly looked around and pulled out.

I started driving to go to the house and then rushed inside once I did. I pulled out my diary and started writing. Page after page after page and I couldn't stop. Too many emotions were exploding out of me all at once.

I miss him so much.
His lips,
His eyes,
His nose,
His touch.
How I miss him oh so much.
We are one soul
And I'll never let him go.
I ache for him and I cry.
Can't you see the tears in my eyes?
Oh, how I wish it was I..
Me instead of him,
In the hospital,
In pain.
Coming out of surgery
And full of pain.
I am filled with pain, sadness and anger..
But it's gotten so strong that I am in danger.
I want to kill,
I want to hurt,
I want to pay back what they took from me.
For killing my pride
And hurting my soul.
I don't know if anything will ever make me whole.
I need him here.
I didn't know then,
But now I do.
I need him more than ever,
It's true.
I'll do whatever,
And if he wants to love me..
So be it.
It's better than being hit like this..
Hit in my heart,
So it dropped so low.
All the way down..
Down below.

I needed to see him and I wanted to.. But I couldn't do it. I just sat there and waited patiently for his arrival. I didn't visit him, I didn't pick up the phone or even check on him through the phone. I couldn't take it. If I heard his voice, I'd surely break. I didn't want that because then, no one would be able to fix me. I stopped going places when he started to be aware of his surroundings and I stopped talking when he started talking. Janet, LaToya and Rebbie tried to get me to go somewhere with them many times but I just shook my head. I was updated by phone calls that I never answered and visits from time to time. One day, Rebbie had had enough and called me.

'Hello, this is Mr. & Mrs. Jackson. We are sorry that we can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number and who you're calling for, we will get back to you. Have a blessed day.'

Rebbie: Suzanne, Michael is doing well and he keeps asking about you. Would you like to hear him?

My eyes widened and I tried to block out the sound but I couldn't.

Michael: Is that Suzanne? Oh, it's a voicemail.. Well, baby. I want you to know how much I miss you and I want to see you. I Love You so much. I can't wait to see you again.

I was crying silently as I put a pillow over my head. Michael kept talking until Rebbie took the phone back.

Rebbie: Just to let you know, I'm coming to get you.

Then the machine beeped again and I couldn't take it. I wanted nothing to do with the world. Not anymore. If Michael was hurt, then I was hurt. I didn't want to see him. I haven't fixed my hair or taken a good bath in a while.. When I bathe now, I can't help but sit there and cry until I decide to briefly wash up. I honestly didn't care about myself anymore. To me, Michael was already dead. I felt like I had lost everything. The one person in the world who loves me was taken away from me. I always wore long black sleeves with black pants if I decided to dress up. I no longer thought that I was beautiful or attractive. I didn't think I was worth anything or anything else that Michael told and showed me..

I sat up and started adding sound to my tears. I balled my fists up and hit the couch as I screamed. I did this twice before I grabbed the pillow and threw it across the room. I grabbed another one and did the same thing. By the third one, I stood up to throw it and I couldn't find the strength to throw it. I swore that I wanted to die that night. I didn't know exactly why though.. I just did. I heard a knock on my front door after I sat down and started my silent cries again. I sniffled and wiped my nose, along with my eyes. I stood up and slowly walked towards the door. I opened it slowly and I saw a priceless face.

Rebbie: Good God girl, what have you done to yourself?

I shrugged and walked away from the door. Rebbie came inside and was surprised. She shook her head.

Rebbie: You're no different than Michael..

I stopped walking and gave her the evil eye. She didn't seem to get it.

Rebbie: Michael was acting just like you when you were gone in New York.

I walked up to her and held up one finger.

Suesie: Do not speak of him!

I growled. I don't like talking about the dead.. Even thought he wasn't dead, he was just as good as dead to me. I don't see him, touch him or anything else for a whole month and a half.. I'm surprised that I lived. Rebbie grabbed me by my wrist and dragged me upstairs. She made me sit down on the bed as she ran some bath water. She came back out and set out some clothes. She stopped the bath water and put me in the tub. She helped me get myself together and get dressed. I didn't care what she put on me, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and go to sleep forever. Rebbie washed and fixed my hair so than it would look decent, then took my out to her car. She strapped me in and started driving.

I honestly didn't care where we were going because I had fallen asleep. I will admit that we had a fight on our way out of the house, but it was for a good reason.. I didn't want to leave the house. It was a long drive and a silent one too. All I thought about was random plans to kill Jomo & Christopher, if I should give up completely and die and if Michael was alright where he was. Rebbie stopped the car and got out. I sat there until she opened my door. She unbuckled my seat belt and we began fighting again once she tried to get me out of the car. I didn't want to go inside because I knew what was coming next.

Rebbie won again and dragged me inside. I kept fighting back all the way up the stairs and through the hall. But she didn't care. She just put up with it until we got to a certain room..  Room number 426 had a light on and a wooden floor. Beige walls and a big window. I didn't look at the patient in the bed because I knew who it was. I was pushed in the room and locked inside before I could turn around. I tried to open the door but..

Michael: Suzanne? Baby, is that you?

He started to get tears in his eyes and sat up. I let my head rest on the door and began to cry silently. I didn't want to hear him. I couldn't take it. Michael got out of his bed and stood up. He looked at me and let his tears fall as a smile spread onto his lips. He tried to touch me but I backed away. His yellow hands tried to reach out to me once again, but I wouldn't let him. Michael looked at me confused and started to cry again.

Michael: Why won't you let me hold you baby? Are you afraid of me? And why won't you look at me?

He touched me unexpectedly and I tried to pull back. He was still too strong for me.

Michael: Suzanne, look at me. Please..

I shook my head and he sighed.

Michael: Just tell me why baby.. I want to hear your voice. Will you tell me why? Please?

I looked down and began to speak.

Suesie: I thought you were dead and I didn't want to break down in front of you.

I said holding back.

Michael: I'm still the same Michael you fell in love with and I'm not dead..That's why I'm here, to protect and love you. You can cry if you need to. I'll hold you until you are better.

Suesie: No. I don't want you to touch me or look at me.

Michael: Why not?

Suesie: Because I'm ugly..

Michael groaned and let me go. I relaxed my muscles because they became tense once he touched me.

Michael: Why? Why do you think that you're ugly? Have I not told you the truth? Have I not shown you?

Michael held my hands and I tensed up again.

Michael: Baby.. You're the most beautiful woman that have ever laid eyes on. You have a beautiful personality and I Love You..

I was silent for a while and then the unexpected happened. He.. He kissed me. I tried to push him off of me but his strength wouldn't allow me to.. I woke up and looked around myself. I was at the house again and I looked a mess. I could care less about what I look like right now.. I must've fell asleep again while thinking.. I still don't talk or go anywhere.. This was getting horrible. I couldn't even remember what Michael looked like because it had been so long. I'm surprised that I didn't kill somebody.. I received a special call that woke me up out of my dream..

'Hello, this is Mr. & Mrs. Jackson. We are sorry that we can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number and who you're calling for, we will get back to you. Have a blessed day.'

LaToya: Suzanne! I have great news for you! Michael is coming back home in two more days!

I fell onto the floor then.. Was I really ready to see him? I can't be certain.

LaToya: Can you believe it? He keeps asking about you and saying how much he misses you. He can't wait to see you Suzanne..

Shit.. A month and a half without seeing him is enough. I'm afraid how I'll react when I see him. I heard Michael in the background..

Michael: Is that Suzanne? Let me speak to her!

I knew that Michael couldn't wait to see me and hear my voice but.. I didn't know about myself. The voicemail cut off right there, before Michael could get to the phone. I stopped eating when I heard that.. I dropped my spoon and I lost my mind. I couldn't believe it.. And I couldn't jam it into my mind either.. My soulmate was coming back to me and yet, he was going to lose me.. I was so far gone that I wasn't even happy that he was coming back home. I didn't move for a while.. All I did was sit there and look at the dropped spoon on the floor. I had completely shut down.