I wouldn't speak to him. I was back to normal again but I wouldn't speak to him. I'd cry, I'd sometimes get out of bed but I never spoke.. Not even to the baby. I'd think of what I wanted to say and rub my belly.. Sometimes, I got a response.. Other times, they didn't and I don't mean the baby started kicking.. I'd feel them move inside my belly. I've tried to speak but I can't. I can't bring myself to say anything.

I've wanted to tell Michael what was happening to me.. The threats, the depression, the phone calls.. The dreams.. It's all haunting me. Michael comes to me everyday and asks me in frustration what happened and why I won't speak to him.. I just look down and tears start to fall out. Then he holds me until he sees that I stop crying. I don't know why I can't speak and I want to.. I really do but I can't. I can't open my mouth.

We don't even have the urge to make love anymore. All focus is on me. Everyday, someone comes into the house to keep me company before Michael leaves for work and they never leave my side. They talk to me and I just listen. Some of the people think I'm going crazy, but I'm not. I'd like to say this is all a dream.. A big stupid dream, but it's not..

I can't even write down my thoughts because I can't bring myself to write anything down. I can't think of how to write it and I don't know how to make it make sense.. But most of all.. I'm afraid. Afraid that He will call back and know that I've told someone. Then he'll knock off all the pieces off the chess board.. He'll snip me like scissors to paper and end me. That's my biggest fear.. So I don't speak.

I don't talk, I don't write, I just think.. I hope you understand me, even though these are just my inside thoughts.. But then.. Everything went in a different direction one night when Michael came home.. He came up the stairs and saw me laying there on my side. I haven't slept in a while. I can only sleep for a few minutes and then I wake up with a nightmare. But anyway..

He came over to the bed and just stood there for a while. Then he finally got in the bed with me and things were quiet as usual.. For a while. I felt him looking at me and then I felt him move. He sat up, I think, and kept his gaze. After a while, I felt him hovering over me and then a kiss on my cheek. I didn't mind it but after the second and third.. I knew something was going on. I held up my hand after the third kiss and he pushed it away gently. I kept turning away from him to dodge his kisses until he looked at me and began to speak.

Michael: Sue.. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you laugh again. I'm so sick of the silence between us.. I just thought that if we did this, it would make you speak.. You always scream and yell when it happens so I wanted to see if it'd work now.. Your voice is precious to me and I need to hear it. I'm miserable without it. Please?

I looked down and then I shook my head as I got up out of bed. I walked over to the window and the tears began to fall. I prayed but my prayers weren't heard. I prayed for peace and the voice to speak. Then I began to cry a little harder but it was special.. Significant actually because while I was crying, I actually began to hear sound.. Not just from anywhere, but from myself. I heard myself crying but I'm not sure if Michael did too.

But he did get up and come over to comfort me. I had my head in hands and fear within me.. But I also had joy.. Joy that I could at least hear myself cry. It was a sorrowful sound but at least it made noise. I started thinking about what I wanted to say and then I swear that I heard a whisper of what I said.. I heard the words.. The only words that I could think of.. Help me.. I kept repeating it until I knew for sure that I was hearing the truth.

Michael: What did you say?

I looked up at him and into his eyes, I knew how this would end up.

Suesie: H-help me..

Michael began to smile and then he pulled me close to him. But then.. Once the words began to sink inside of his head, his smile faded and he looked at me real good.

Michael: After four days of you not eating and then four weeks of you not speaking, I hear your lovely voice again. But in spite of my joy, I feel.. Worried.. Help you what? What do you need help with?

I tried to put my thoughts into words but I got choked up and I began to cry some more just thinking about it.

Suesie: H-he knows..

Michael: Who knows what?

Suesie: He knows Michael.. Christopher..

Michael: He knows what?

Michael kept calling my name to try and stop me from talking.. So, in other words, we began to talk over each other.

Suesie: He knows where we live, h-he knows that I'm pregnant, he knows our every move! And I'm scared.. I'm so scared. I couldn't tell you because the words wouldn't come out and I was scared that he'd find out. I don't know how he does it but he always knows when I do something! And now.. He gets out in seven years and I'm scared Michael! I'm scared for my baby! For us! For our lives! And I just can't.. I can't.. Think straight! I can't sleep! I wake up with nightmares and I keep.. Hearing what he said to me and I can't tell you because if I do, he'll find out and when he gets out, he'll kill me!

I rambled and then I switched up my subject. I looked at Michael and then I knelt down in front of him and began to sound like I was pleading.

Michael: Suzanne!

Suesie: Baby please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put us in this position. I can't protect us anymore and there's nothing you can do! He's unstoppable!

Michael: Suzanne!

Suesie: Michael.. I-I'm so scared.. I don't want my baby to grow up like I did. Nothing but memories of her momma..

Michael: Or him, Suzanne please! Calm down baby!

Suesie: And Michael I can't stop the dreams! I don't go anywhere because I'm afraid! Eyes are everywhere and they're looking at us but aiming for me!

Michael didn't know what to do so he kissed me. He interrupted me and kissed me. When he pulled away, I sat there on my knees and I put my head down in his lap. He began to rub my back and run his fingers through my hair as he sang softly. I knew I was crying again and so did he because his boxers were wet.

Sadness had been close as my next to kin
Then happy came on day
Chased my blues away
My life began when happy smiled
Sweet like candy to a child
Stay here and love me just a while
Let sadness see what happy does,
Let happy be where sadness was.

He went on and then I looked up at him. He wiped away my tear and then I kissed him.. I kissed him like I wanted something, which I did.. Oddly, Michael stopped me when he became aware of what was going on.

Michael: No baby. I know you're sad and confused but making love won't make it better.. I realize this now. So let's get you into bed, okay? You need rest.

Suesie: But if we do, I'll know and feel like I'm safe.. In your arms.

Michael: For the moment, yes. But what happens when you wake up? You'll be back to where you are now. Are you going to keep making love every time you feel unsafe?

Suesie: If that's what it takes..

Michael looked away and bit his lip.. He's tempted. But then he shook his head.

Michael: No. I'm not doing it. Sue, I don't know how to help you feel safe but making love every time will not help you at all.

Suesie: Okay, what about just this once? Just to see the outcome of it? To relieve some stress okay? I know you're sexually frustrated..

Michael: I can't believe you're saying this to me! Baby, no! This is not you, you need to lay down.. I'll tell you what.. If you go lay down, I'll lay down with you but nothing happens. Okay?

Suesie: I guess so..

Michael nodded and helped me into bed considering that it's getting harder for me to move around the house. I can barely even see my feet! Michael wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep as soon as he did. I slept for a long time and I didn't wake up until a few days later.. But my dream.. My dream was the biggest issue I had. I fought to stay asleep and I fought be rid of my horrid nightmares. I moaned in my sleep a lot because of it and Michael smiled because he thought I was dreaming a good dream.. If you know what I mean.
I was at home and then the door was knocked upon. I opened it and then the worst happened. I saw him standing there smirking. I was stabbed repeatedly, or I was choked or I was shot. Yes, this dream occurred a lot. But then I woke up all bloody in a dark room. It was cold and then a door opened.. They grabbed me by my wrist and dragged me into another room. There, I was strapped to a table and I was cut up by a knife over my legs each time I screamed or didn't give them what they wanted.
But then.. I saw it.. A blade.. A different blade. It was in front of someone's face and it came towards my chest but stopped once it touched me. I was in pain because it punctured me a little and blood. came out. I was very weak and I tried to watch what was going on but I couldn't. Then I heard something.. Like a belt buckle.. I knew what was next and I started crying. And just like that, in the bright light on the table, I was raped but I didn't see who did it.

That's what happened in all my bad dreams. My good ones only appeared every once in a while.. Rarely.
Michael comes home from work and I have dinner ready for him but I'm upstairs laying down on the bed. Michael opens the bedroom door and I jump on him and start kissing him. He lays me down and you know what happens. But every time he went to take off my clothes, it would instantly switch to the bad dream of the guy and me on the table.. I was truly frightened.

Okay okay, so Michael was right about the dream.. But it's not like I saw us actually doing anything.. Even though I know what we were about to do, we didn't do it.. So wait.. He was wrong. I woke up in a puddle of sweat and Michael waking me up. He was shaking me awake.

Michael: Suzanne! Come on baby, get up please!

Suesie: What Michael?

He was worried about me because he said I was sweating, yelling, fighting him and I've been asleep for days.. I guess I needed it..

Michael: You need a bath baby.

Suesie: So I stink?

Michael: No, not necessarily.. I'm just saying you should because you're sweating.

Suesie: Nice to know..

Michael: I'll go draw your bath.

Suesie: You do that..

I followed him with my clean clothes in my hand and sat down on the toilet. Michael had me get in and helped me in the process. He washed my back and feet.. Then he washed my legs and then he said he wanted to wash my arms for me. Then he asked to wash my chest and that's where I drew the line because my chest is in severe pain right now.

Michael: Can I at least wash the baby?

Suesie: The baby is not here yet.

Michael: Can I wash your belly?

Suesie: I don't think so..

Michael: Please? Daddy wants to make sure that mommy's all clean.

Suesie: You sound like a baby..

I laughed.

Michael: Why not? I'm about to have another one in a few more months. Might as well practice now.

The phone began to ring.

Michael: I'll get that.

Suesie: Okay.

Michael kissed my cheek and walked out. I washed my chest and face. Michael came back after a while.

Suesie: Who was that?

Michael: Nobody important baby.

He smiled.. A crooked smile.

Suesie: What's wrong Mike?

Michael: Don't call me that for another five months..

Suesie: Why not?

As if I don't know already..

Michael: You know why..

Suesie: No I don't Mike.

Michael: Do you want me to jump into this tub with you?

Suesie: That's up to you Mike, just don't hurt me if you do.

Michael bit his lip.

Michael: Finish washing yourself.

Suesie: I did.

Michael: Then stand up.

Suesie: Mike, you already know that if I do, I'll fall.

Michael: Th-then I'll help you stand up.

Suesie: Are you okay?

Michael: Yes, I am.

Suesie: Why are you stuttering then?

Michael: No I'm not.

Suesie: Yes you are.

Michael: No, I'm not.

Suesie: Yes, you are.

Michael: Forget it. Come on Princess, let's get you up and out of here.

Suesie: Don't call me that.

Michael: What? Princess?

Suesie: Yes!

Michael: Oh, I'm sorry.. Why not?

Suesie: I'll tell you later.

Michael: Okay love. Let's go. Nice and easy baby. Nice and easy.

Suesie: Thanks Mike.

Michael bit his bottom lip again and nodded. I went to the bedroom and began to dry off. Michael stood there in front of me once I sat down and then I crossed my arms.

Suesie: Do you mind?

Michael: Do you?

Suesie: Very much thank you. Now get out.

Michael: I like what I see.

Suesie: Are you?

I dragged. He grinned.

Michael: Yes I am.. And it's all your fault.

Suesie: Not true.

Michael: You kept calling me what I said not to call me..

Suesie: Mike, I have no clue what you're talking about.

Michael: See! You just did it again!

Suesie: Did what?

Michael: You called me Mike!

Suesie: But Mike! That's your name!

Michael bent down to my level and placed his hands on my thighs as he he looked at me dead in the eye.

Michael: Then I wanna hear it..

He said in a low tone.

Suesie: I don't want to do this right now..

Michael: Too late baby, you knew what you were doing..

Suesie: Oh please Mike. You know I was just playing..

Playing with your hormones..

Michael: Oh yeah, you were playing your game and now I wanna play..

Michael said as he began to strip.

Suesie: You smell, you better go take a shower.

Michael: Only if you meet me there before I get in.

Suesie: It might take a while for me to get there because..

I pointed to my stomach.

Michael: See, it's settled and I'm coming for you.

Suesie: Mike no!

I whined.

Michael: Baby yes!

Suesie: Michael..

Michael: That's not my name.

Suesie: Yes it is.

Michael: Not at the moment.

Suesie: Michael stop. I'll pinch you.

Michael: Try me and you'll be screaming louder than a person screaming avalanche within a split second.

Suesie: Then I'll kick you.

Michael: Do you want these hands? Because that's what feedback I'm getting.

Suesie: Um um.. I'm hungry Mik-ael.

I corrected myself.

Michael: You almost had it.

Suesie: If I slapped your face, what would you do?

Michael: Grab your hands, pin you down and kiss yours.

Suesie: And if I kicked you?

Michael: Lets find out..

Suesie: How about we not.. Matter of fact, let's not and say we did.

He laughed.

Michael: You are so funny! I love a funny woman..

Suesie: And I love a non-sexual man.. Sober.

Michael: Oh come on.. A few days ago you said you wanted this.

Suesie: That was then, this is now.

Michael: And now, I think I'll kiss you.

Suesie: And now, I think I'll push you.

Michael: Touch me and see where your hands end up. I dare you.

He challenged.. I didn't take that challenge.

Suesie: Its cold, get out so I can dry off!

Michael: Why dry off just to get wet again?

Suesie: You are such a dirty man! Who did I marry? The dirtiest talker in the world?

Michael: Maybe, maybe not. Who's to say?

Suesie: Get out!

I whined.

Michael: Stop whining and let me make you whimper!

Suesie: Definitely not!

He knows I'm playing but I'm a good actress.. It looks real.

Michael: Lay back.

Suesie: No.

Michael raised his eyebrows.

Michael: Lay back or I'll make you my back..

Suesie: I dare you to lay a hand on me.

Michael grinned.

Michael: Here's one, here's two.

Michael had his hands on my shoulders.

Michael: Now watch this. Here's what you're gonna do.

Then he pushed me back onto the bed and hovered over me. I could feel how bad he wanted to do this. He moaned lowly every time I moved because my leg rubbed up against him.

Suesie: Let me up!

Michael: N-no.

Suesie: Michael!

His eyes closed halfway and he bit his bottom lip.

Michael: Are y-you gon-na behave?

Suesie: Are you going to let me go?

Michael: Well since our answers are the same, I'm going have to do this.. Give you the royal treatment..

Suesie: Royal Treatment?

Michael: Yes..

Suesie: I've never heard of that..

Michael: Good, then let me show you.

Michael bent down and started sucking on my neck.

Suesie: No wait! Oh Michael!

I moaned and then bit my lip to try and keep quiet. Of course, that never works. You know what's funny? You don't? Oh.. Let me tell you. You know how people usually come to check on me during the day? Well.. Let's just say that they made wrong timing..

Jermaine: Hey Sue, I came to.. Oh God.. Oh God.. I'll leave.

When the door opened.. Michael jumped off of me and covered my chest. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. Michael put on his boxers and robe, then went to consult his brother.

Jermaine: It doesn't take long, does it?

Michael: What?

Jermaine: To get her back to normal.

Michael: Oh.. It took a while. Four weeks and four days. So um.. You came in here.. Right?

Jermaine: With the key.

Michael: And you didn't hear anything?

Jermaine: I guess I wasn't paying attention.. Or you weren't moaning loud enough.

He teased and Michael turned red.

Michael: Jermaine..

Jermaine: Its okay. My wife and I got caught by one of our children once..

Michael: Really?

Jermaine: Well, almost.. They knocked and spoke through the door and thank God we weren't too loud to hear them because they opened the door after that.

Michael: But it was you who caught us.. I guess you don't believe in knocking..

Michael joked.

Jermaine: I forgot this time..

Michael: Yeah, okay Jermaine.

Jermaine: Next time, lock the door.

Michael: You have a key..

Jermaine: Your bedroom, I mean.

Michael: Tell me this, you didn't even hear the bed? Nothing at all?

Jermaine: You know what you should do?

Michael: What?

Jermaine: Get a radio. Blast the music and go get back to your business.

Michael: I don't think she wants to anymore..

Jermaine: Why not?

Michael: Too embarrassed.

Jermaine: How big is she now?

Michael: Its like a basketball is under her shirt.

Jermaine: Wow.

Michael: I know.

He smiled.

Jermaine: I can't wait to meet them..

Michael: Me either.

Jermaine: By the way, it looks like you need to finish a problem little brother.

Jermaine gave a signal with his head to look down and Michael blushed.

Michael: Ah, yeah.. But if she doesn't, I'll deal with it.

Jermaine: Don't keep her waiting.

Michael: I won't. Goodbye brother.

Jermaine: I would hug you, but I don't know where your hands have been..

Michael: Jermaine!

Jermaine: I'm just saying.

Michael: Goodbye!

Michael laughed. Jermaine left and Michael locked the door once more. He went back upstairs and closed the door, locking it too.

Michael: You feel like finishing round one?

I was didn't answer. I had my face in a pillow and I was beyond embarrassed.

Michael: You know he thinks we should finish..

Suesie: I can't do it.. Not after what just happened.. There is no way.

Michael: I know.. Too embarrassed. Alright sunshine.

Suesie: No.. It's not that.. Okay 60% yes..

Michael: And the other 40?

Suesie: I felt something move..

Michael: What do you mean?

Suesie: The baby.. She kicked me.

I really want a girl.

Michael: He kicked you?

He really wants a boy.

Suesie: Yes she did. Come feel it.

I took Michael's hand and placed it on my stomach. He instantly got a response.

Michael: Our baby..

Suesie: Yes.. She knows who her daddy is.

Michael: Hey baby, daddy's here. Are you ready to come home?

Suesie: She did it again!

Michael: I see! Daddy has some unfinished business with mommy but mommy won't let daddy finish.. Should mommy let daddy finish?

No response.

Michael: He responded! I felt his little tiny feet hit my hand!

Suesie: Oh really?

Michael: Yes really.

Suesie: So you claim the baby thinks we should finish but yet I didn't feel anything?

I crossed my arm.

Michael: Not yet you don't..

Suesie: Mike!

I covered my mouth. He grinned and came close to my ear.

Michael: I'm going to finish you baby..

Suesie: I don't think you should.

Michael: But I'm gonna do it either way.

Suesie: I don't want to..

Michael: Suzanne, I'm going to finish this.. I have a problem and I must get it fixed..

Suesie: Get it fixed on your own.

Michael stuck his tongue out and let it hang out. My eyes widened.

Suesie: Oh no.. No you don't.. No, no..

Michael came closer to my neck and I couldn't stop him. He began to do his techniques and then we almost picked up where we left off until..

Suesie: Wait a minute Mike.. I'm hungry..

Michael: Oh, baby.. I was just about to get started..

Suesie: After I eat.. You said I could after. It's after now.

Michael: Okay baby..

He brought me cereal.

Suesie: You actually think that this will hold me over?

Michael: It should.. I only need to go until I stop.

Suesie: A few hours.

Michael: Yeah.. About five.. Ten at the most..

Suesie: Ten!? Mike are you crazy?

Michael: No.. Five, then take a break, then another five.

Suesie: Michael..

I began to eat and Michael started at me intensely as I did so. He was growing impatient with me and began to bite his bottom lip at me, signaling for me to hurry up. I took my time because I really didn't want to do this right now.

Michael: Okay, now that you're done..

Suesie: Wait!

Michael: What is it now?

Suesie: I have to go pee.

Michael: Baby..

Suesie: What? I do! Very much!

No Michael sighed..

Michael: Go pee..

I never returned.