He never starved me though. I always woke up with something to eat and LaToya always came in to help me. I started talking after a day passed by but my voice was just barely there. So I just stopped talking and waited for the next day to come. I never saw Michael leave or come back for work, but I knew that he was unstable. Michael felt so bad about what had happened that he wouldn't even see me or anyone for that matter.. As far as I knew at least. I want to help him. Maybe I should get him a book for his birthday or a simple 'gift for no reason.' Just not on Christmas because I do not want to go through what went down on Halloween.. That was one shitty day. Does he really hate holidays? Him of all people.. I couldn't move for two days and couldn't walk for three. Normal walking is four.. Michael had me bad.. He messed me up real bad. I woke up to find Michael next to me in bed and I was surprised, alarmed and happy.. Michael was looking down and wasn't moving.. Not even breathing. I moved slightly and Michael's head shot in my direction.

Michael: You're up..

Suesie: Yes..

Michael: And you can speak...

Suesie: Yes. Are you alright?

Michael: Why do you ask that?

Suesie: I haven't seen you in two days and then you started to let me see you go to and come back home from work. Michael, I want to help you with your problem.. I know what can help you. It helped me and I want you to do this so that you can be non provocative for at least a week or month.

Michael looked at me funny..

Michael: Are you on your..

Suesie: Why?

Michael: You become very understanding when you are.

Suesie: And that's bad?

Michael: No.. Not really.

Suesie: How is it bad.

Michael: It's not.

Suesie: Why'd you say it was, then?

Michael: Suzanne, stop it. You're getting moody now.

Suesie: You are not, nor have you ever been or will ever be, my father!

I was upset.. Okay, so maybe I am on my cycle.. But let's face it. Every girl gets moody when she's on it. I'm not the only one who gets like that here!

Michael: I know, and I don't want to nor have I ever wanted to or will ever want to be your father. Have you ever called me 'daddy'?

Suesie: No.

Michael: Exactly.

Suesie: Oh please. I wouldn't call you that if you told me to.

Michael: I don't want you to.

Suesie: Good.

Michael chuckled lightly and took my hand into his. Michael kissed my forehead and smiled.

Michael: Do you want me to get you something for your personal problem?

Suesie: I think I have enough.

Michael nodded.

Michael: Then let me get you something to eat, sweetie-pie.

Suesie: Alright.

Michael: I'm making you a big breakfast so you can calm down..

Suesie: Michael Joseph Jackson.. I am calm.

Michael shrugged.

Michael: Alright honey..

Suesie: Thank you.

I said in a baby voice. Michael laughed and left. It took him while to get back because he made himself something too.

Michael: Here you are.

Suesie: Thank you.

Michael kissed me and aimed for my forehead but I kissed him. Michael flushed red and I started pinching his cheeks.

Michael: Sue.. You shouldn't do that to me..

Suesie: Why not?

Michael shook his head and immediately began to eat. I looked at him. Why does he say no to a kiss? Why does he want to when I don't want to and not want to when I do? Not that I want to right now.. That's just weird.

Michael: You want to watch some cartoons?

Suesie: Alright.

Michael put on Tom & Jerry and immediately turned to A Different World because Tom was kissing the other cat and then he changed from A Different World because that was the episode where Whitley and Dwayne had their first kiss in the car in the winter time.. Michael went The Cosby Show and then relaxed. Michael laughed as he sighed nervously.

Suesie: Why'd you change?

Michael: Because I want to keep my mind off of any sexual thoughts.

Suesie: I'm your wife and I like those episodes.

Michael saw the hearts in Weird Harrold's eyes and cut the television off.

Michael: You know what, watching the television ain't the best thing right now.. Don't you think?

Suesie: But I like all those shows! Michael! Just because of that one.. Those two incidents.. You don't have to keep yourself from me.

Michael: I do.. I don't want to hurt you again.

Suesie: You didn't hurt me. You made love to me..

Michael: Against your will. Suzanne, do you know what that means?

Suesie: You just kept in some feelings that you needed to get out of you and you did.

Michael: I hate to say it, but Suzanne.. I raped you! I can't believe that I did it, but I did!

Suesie: Michael, you didn't rape me..

Michael started to cry.

Michael: Yes I did..

Suesie: Michael, if you raped me, then why was I screaming your name?

Michael: You were screaming for me to stop.

Suesie: Why was I moaning?

Michael: Because I hurt you and you were going numb.. Plus, you couldn't scream anymore.

Suesie: Why did I let you do it? Why did I say, 'We can't.. Not down here.'

Michael: You were powerless and my mind was set on one thing. You wanted to delay me.

Suesie: Gosh, you're good.. Why did I scream 'Yes' instead of 'No'?

Michael couldn't answer that one.

Suesie: Why am I so calm and forgiving about it?

Michael: Because you are on 'it'.

Suesie: I have done all of that because I Love You and I was wanting you too. I enjoyed it.. I didn't do all of that because of what you said.. I was ready for a change.

I said too much..

Michael: What change would that be?

Suesie: My food is getting cold..

I started stuffing my face and Michael raised his eyebrow at me.

Michael: Suzanne.. What change?

Suesie: Michael, let me eat.

Michael: If you don't tell me, I am going to tickle you.

Suesie: You wouldn't..

Michael winked.

Michael: Oh yes I will.

Suesie: No.

Michael: Five..

Suesie: Michael..

Michael: Four.. Th-..

Suesie: Alright alright! I was ready for a change in the atmosphere..

Michael: What kind of change?

Suesie: A good one.

I stood up and walked out of the room.. Just barely though because Michael pulled me back and closed the door. I think he locked it too.

Michael: What good change would that be?

Suesie: Come on Mike.. I gotta pee.

Michael: You're old enough to hold it.

Suesie: Michael!

Michael: Tell me.

Suesie: No Michael.

Michael: No Suzanne.

Suesie: I will torture you.. I swear, I will.

Michael: So violent..

Suesie: Joseph.. You better open this door.

Michael: Funny.. I don't remember seeing him.

Suesie: Michael Joseph Jackson.. Open, the door.

Michael: Is the baby upset?

Suesie: If I pee on myself, you're cleaning it up.

Michael: No, your mess. You clean.

Suesie: You're such an ass..

I turned around and I felt a sting on my butt. I slowly turned around angry.

Michael: What's wrong sweetie?

Suesie: You know that I don't like that so stop it!

Michael grinned and came close to me.

Michael: Oh come on baby.. You know you like it when I do this.

Michael squeezed my butt and I made a face.

Suesie: Let me go!

I said in a high pitched whisper. Michael found this amusing.

Michael: Alright baby.

Michael slapped my butt again and let me go. I was so mad.

Suesie: Says the one who wouldn't even let cartoons kiss!

I stormed off into the bathroom that I had forgotten about the whole time.. Our personal bathroom. How could I forget? I could've been done by now and not have to waddle to the bathroom. Michael will pay for this. I was in there for a long time because it was just blood at first and I felt like if I got up, it would pass. Ladies, we all know this feeling. I left the bathroom and the stench of blood followed me from the bathroom to the bedroom. It was horrible.. Michael sprayed even after I did but it just stayed there.. I hate blood week.

Michael: My goodness Sue..

Suesie: Shut your bitter tongue up! Do you bleed every single month out of a place where sex and a baby is located? Oh no.. I didn't think so.

I snapped. He & I both know how I get when it's that time of the month.. Don't bug me and I won't bite. But, Michael is daring.. He always tries to bug me. I just want to crawl up in a ball and die right now.. After I punch him in the nose. The pain is excruciating and I want him to stop being as ass. Michael stroked my hair and I couldn't eat for the rest of the day. I didn't eat the next either and Michael tried everything to make me eat.

Michael: Baby please eat something.

Suesie: No Michael.. I can't. If I do, I'll get sick.

Michael: But it's not healthy for you skip food for two days straight.

Suesie: Look Michael, I'm not hungry! So don't try any of your tricks to piss me off and make me eat! I'm not fucking hungry!

I crossed my arms and turned my back towards him. Michael was so furious that he started to cry. His words were too painful to say.

Michael: How dare you scream at me like that! I can't believe that you hurt me like this! Why do you constantly hurt me? Why Suzanne? Why do constantly find amusement in hurting me?

Suesie: Don't play victim.. You know good and damn well that I'm irritated by your actions. Why the fuck do you constantly find amusement in pissing me the fuck off? Why do you have demons inside of you that are beyond sexual? Why are you so dominant? Why are you so fucking childish Mike? Why? Oh, you can't answer me. Then answer me this.. Why can't I get pregnant no matter how many times we sleep together? You can't answer that either can you? Well I'll tell you why. I'm barren. I'm fucking barren! B-A-R-R-E-N! Do you know why I'm barren?

Michael slowly looked at me with tears running down his cheeks. His face was red and he knew that I'd get upset if he didn't answer.. I knew I was crying by now but I couldn't stop yelling.

Michael: Why?

Michael said quietly.

Suesie: I was rapped every night after my mother and father died if my cousin was drunk, high or brought his friends over. I was rapped so bad that I was ripped Michael. Ripped! Nobody wanted to be bothered with me and I had nobody to talk to! Nobody! Even God hated me!

I knew it wasn't true but that's what it felt like.

Suesie: Then on top of that, when I did become pregnant, I was stabbed! I bled out and it killed the baby! Our baby! The baby that I was carrying! He stabbed me so that I can't have children now! How the fuck do you think I feel? You don't bleed out every month which reminds you of your first child dying which makes you wish that the baby lived and you died. Thinking that this was all your fault and having to put up with all the fucking bullshit that's going on in court, still hoping that one day you will die! Or escape it all or even have another baby! But oh wait.. That's not possible because you're fucking barren and married to your High School sweetheart that fucking cheated on you with his boss that has a fucking STD and he gave it to you! So why the fuck do I care about life? No wait, I . said that wrong.. Why should I care? No children, no happiness and insecurities constantly haunt me. Yes, I forgive you but now this shit happens where you have sex with me again even after I said no! I forgive you for both times but this shit is fucking crazy!

I couldn't do it. I was shaking so bad that I was seeing double. I hated to get mad like this.

Suesie: You are so fucking lucky Michael.. I know about what Joseph did to you but you had it easy. Do you turn around to see if somebody is watching you? Do you worry about satisfying your spouse so he won't cheat or do what he did four days ago? Do you constantly try everything to try and get pregnant? No? I didn't think so.

I stood up and walked out. I've held that in for ten years and now, I felt better about it. But also worst. I disappeared and came back a few hours later around nine.. At night. Michael was waiting for me and didn't know until the light was turned on. Michael's eyes were red, his face was puffy but tough and his lips were dry.. Yes, I look at my husband's lips. Why wouldn't I?

Michael: Suzanne.. Do you know what time it is?

Suesie: No.

Michael: Nine twenty-seven. I was worried sick about you baby. I'm so sorry about everything.. I want to save you. I want to take you away and go somewhere that will bring back your smile forever. I Love You. I don't want you to die or feel like you have to serve me.. Let's go somewhere that's beautiful.. Just me and you.

Suesie: Michael.. I-..

I cut myself off and thought of the conversation between LaToya and I.. Soul Train came back into my mind.

Michael: Would you like that?

Suesie: Have you ever wanted to be on television?

Michael: When I was little. Remember Soul Train?

Suesie: Perfect! LaToya and I planned ahead and I've been saving money ever since I was little to go on Soul Train. I just have to let her know that it's a go.

Michael: Baby.. What about us?

Suesie: Us, is what caused me to walk out the house. I need my sister. We should really go. Have some fun. Keep up with the youth.

Michael thought about it and then nodded.

Michael: Alright..

Suesie: What?

Michael grinned.

Michael: Let's go to Soul Train!

I smiled and hugged Michael.

Suesie: I got something for you..

Michael looked down at me with a puzzled look.

Michael: When did you become the giving type?

Suesie: Same time as you.

Michael chuckled.

Michael: What is it?

Suesie: I have to tell you what it for first.

Michael: Spit it out.

Suesie: Ever since I was little, I'd write songs, stories and poems based on how I felt and it got rid of my problems for a long time. I could get through the day even though I knew what was coming when I got back home. I was only happy when I wrote.. So.. Instead of getting you professional help, I got you this.

I pulled out a red and black notebook and smiled at him.. Then an all red one and an all black one.

Michael: Thank you Princess.

Suesie: You're welcome. So write all of your provocative thoughts and fantasies in one book, innocent ones in the other and songs in the next.

Michael looked at the books. They were thick and I knew he needed it. I also pick one or two out for myself. A green one, a blue one and then one with a cross on it. I smiled at the books and Michael kissed my cheek.

Michael: I Love You sweetie.

Suesie: I Love You too Michael.

Michael: I Love You more.

Suesie: I Love You most.

Michael: I Love You best.

Suesie: I Love You forever.

Michael: I Love You longer than forever and more than you'll ever know.

Suesie: I Love You more than that.

Michael grinned.

Michael: I Love You more than all of your "I love you's".

Suesie: I Love You more than any and everything else that you said and will say.

Michael: I will top that one day..

Suesie: I win!

Michael nodded at carried me on his back up the stairs. I took a long bath and then wrote a little in my diary.

Love hurts..
What a priceless sight.
To see two perfectly good couples fight.
That ain't right.
The tables turn
The girl leaves.
She just saw a gang of thieves..
They had blades
She had hands.
They had their gang
She had not her man.
They talked with her..
They knew her..
And her cousin.
They plan to get revenge on him too.
This trip wasn't all for nothing.
They became her friends.
They keep watch over her.
They couldn't believe that their friend was for the birds.
They agreed to kill.
She agreed to the deal.
Now with their debt
She must pay the bill.
She smokes a cigarette and sits under the streetlight.
The warmth came from the heat's light.
She realized what she did
She cried and behind her hands she hid.
God forbid.
She repented and walked alone..
And began her journey on a long walk home.
She didn't want to go back
She let out a groan.
But she went back
And opened the door after a moan.

-

He welcomed her with open arms.
His eyes were no longer charms.
His hair was a mess.
He didn't feel on her chest.
He missed her..
Not her breasts.
He wanted to clean up this mess.
He didn't want to feel on her chest.
He wanted to pray
He wanted to fix this mess.
He cried and held her so.
So close that he couldn't let go.
He looked at her
Her eyes still blue.
His eyes were wet
He looked down too.
He suggested to run away
And said, 'Let it just be me and you.'
He loves her so
He won't let her get away.
He groans with annoyance at his sister's name.
He wants just them
He wants to get away.
From all the chaos in the world today.
He looks at her.
He says 'I Love You babe..'
He goes back and forth.
He loves that game.
He's had enough.
And she hands him a gift.
He kissed her cheek
He looks and the gift.
He wants to kiss her again..
He wants to on the lips.
He thanks her
And she smiles.
He could see it from miles.
He tells her a dream.
He picks her up.
He does his thing.
He let her down
And she minds her own now..
Soul Train, here we come.
The time, is now.
And now, is done.