I was dreaming about everything that has happened to me.. High School, middle school, preschool, and even all of my childhood. It hit me hard as a rock.. I saw how happy I was with my mother, the love and joy that we shared was unbreakable. We were invincible.. But her death was my heartbreaker.. From there, I went off the wall.. I was all over the place and my head was spinning. How she died? I don't know.. Who did it? Don't get me lying.. I saw the day after she died, the police had put me in the care of a man.. A man with nice curly hair.. Short and black hair.. He said he was my father.

If you're my father, why doesn't my hair curl up like yours? If you're my father, why are you getting involved with me now? Why even care about me? Why care for me? But he was good to me.. Everyday, the thought of what my mother said about my father was dead to me. She said he was a deadbeat. He was hard to beat. A smooth talking, criminal waiting to be.. Waiting to be as she said he'd be.. A deadbeat.. Dead.. On the streets. Now none of this may make sense, see. Cause what you think has hurt you, has taken over me.

I look forward to the day when my body and mind are set free. No happiness left is in me.. I'd rather be gone.. Gone with my mommy. No matter how old I get, she'll always be the same. I call her mommy, because that's her name. Don't call her Larissa Larain.. I'm Suzanne, and my mommy gave me that name. All of these things may seem like a game, but no.. Trouble done signed my name. Everywhere I go, I feel nothing but pain.. So that's why I say, kill me now.. Why wait?

I had a dream.. A dream where the man who claimed to be my father was teaching me how to play checkers.. Later on, we played chess.. I felt like he was my real father.. But I needed a test. Well I have my test, but here's the rest. I never got to say I love you to him.. He always said I Love You Princess and then he'd walk out of the room before I could say a word.. My words were shut in along with my heart and it burned.. Burned like hell, burned like fire.. Nobody could lift me up and take me higher.. Higher and higher.. Out of this fire.

That night he got shot, I had learned a lot. You better learn quick or you'll get hit. It wasn't my fault that my daddy got shot. But yet I feel it is, and my head keeps spinning like a clock. I got a lot to say and a lot to do. About about the things the world put me through. That's why I wanna give up, that's why I'm through.. But God said, Not yet dear, let me help you. I can't trust anymore.. But then he sent you.. But I'm not there yet, I'm not through. I'm just getting started here too..

Thrown on the bed that particular night. I sat there crying, all day.. All night.. I prayed to God for so many years but he didn't save me those nights.. That's why I stopped believing, it just didn't feel right. But I still walked throughout my life thinking that I was a hoe. I thought I was dirty.. And not just because I was told so. I felt broken in my heart and mind. That's why I felt a God who didn't care was a waste of time. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I'm saying has already been done. If you don't understand then there's nothing to be done. You just don't understand me.. Nobody does.

I cried there naked and alone. But did anybody come to my rescue? I'll answer that for you, hell no. Entering High School, I felt like a slut. In and out of foster homes, I'd finally had enough. I was adopted and I did well. I did everything they asked without a doubt, I swear. There was no other child they loved more than me. Until one night, they came to me. They were pregnant and were overjoyed with glee.

They said, Suzanne, we're having another baby! I was so mad, I cried. They calmed me down and dried my eyes. I thought they were going to put me back into foster care. I told them and they said that they wouldn't dare. I was enrolled into middle school and was called names. For being a quiet bitch and being lame. But at least I was book smart and I got good grades. But it hurt me so much that my name was almost engraved..

They found me on the floor, blood seeping through my clothes. I go beat up so bad, I was sent home. I started whooping ass and then got sent home. Then my parents introduced me to God again.. Then my life changed around. I felt stronger and wiser,  like my feet were off the ground. I even felt like this when nobody was around. Then I was deserted and I enrolled to a school.. Princeton University's High School.

He left me again and I felt all shame. And again, trouble done signed my name. I met my love and we made it too.. I almost had his baby.. Once.. Maybe two. When I was kidnapped, I saw who.. Who really cared about me through.. Throughout the fire and through the rain. Each drop represents a tear.. My tears of pain. I used to be a lively wonder, now I wish I were six feet under. I was raped again and stabbed.. I almost died. If I did, I would've been glad.

I was married to a wonderful man, who had a good job and a lady as a boss then.. What I thought was good, turned bittersweet. Because when I found out, I couldn't take the heat. This was not the love that was supposed to be. While In Love, do men cheat? But yet he gets mad when another man steps in to talk to me. A friendly conversation gone wrong. The man just wanted to talk, that's all.

I know it's not good to hold a grudge, but when I speak. It's what I think of. We made a promise and I always keep mine. I never knew that friends never married each other's brothers but I couldn't help mine.. My feelings for him were too strong and I couldn't let him get away. Now he's mine forever and forever he will stay. I can never forget the taste of ecstasy.. His body all over me. I've had this before but it never felt right. This time it did.. Just like last night.. If there's one thing I'll never be, is a mother.

But yesterday.. He revealed himself to me.. He knows me.. He knows my heart. He said, Michael is the man for you. Michael loves you and he will guide you through the pain. I am always here. Everything happens for a reason.. Believe in me.

-~-~-~-~

Michael had a dream about everything in his life too..

He'd bust in the room with a belt or his fists. He'd scream at the top of his lungs to go get a switch. My brothers sat down and watched the whole thing.. Not by choice, then he'd make us sing. I never wanted to live with that man.. If we didn't sing, he came with a belt in his hand. I'd fight back and momma would scream. She'd say, Joseph! Stop! They didn't do a thing! I always adored my mother so.. I did as she asked and she made me whole..

Joseph never really cared about how I felt.. His first choice was to get the belt. The first day I opened my eyes, I saw an angel appear. To you, you see my mother but I see a beauty here. I wish I could've stayed a baby.. But as I grow, my life gets worst each year. The beatings got worst and the whole time, I thought that's how the world works.. I was only happy on that stage, to see my father not in a rage. For fun, we'd close our eyes. We'd think of who we despise.
Janet, I'd say. Picture Joseph dead in a casket, that very day.. Do you feel any pain or sorrow? No. She'd say and we'd play the same game tomorrow. We begged our mother to divorce him, but her stubborn ways only got her crying over him. She'd shoo us away at the thought as we watched her heart fall apart. Her love for us was very strong and we all know that Joseph did us wrong. When the music didn't succeed, he found a new plan for me. Not a construction worker, but a business man, see?

All my siblings got married but Janet, LaToya & Me. Until I met Suzanne.What a sight to see. Suzanne, my love, is a beauty. Her pretty Brown eyes, you can't despise. From her lips, I itch a kiss. Her ears keep track of the years. Her heart is a work of art. Her smile is a wonder, I'd love to explore her and live right under. Go back in time to fix her past, and save her mother so that the love would last. I'd do anything to make her happy, but knowing me I'd try to do it snappy.

Expediently, I'd make her mother come back. Then I'd meet her, right after that. We'd laugh and speak. And from her mother, a kiss on the cheek. But I have to make her happy with me now.. I've gotta figure out a way, somehow.. I remember our first kiss. That's something that I'd never want to miss. Her sweet lips tenderly on mine. Her heart beat increases, twice as fast as mine. I never wanted this to end. Forever and ever, not to end again.

I remember that first time we made love. Our sweaty bodies transferred inside each other and we soared above. Our souls became one and by the time school ended, I was done. I didn't want to stop, but I was tired. My body was burning, my hips on fire. My hips were in a knot and the room was hot. Her moans were mellow and sweet. It was a lovely sound, my sexy treat. I never wanted to stop, but my speed started to drop. The sweat poured down, her voice made sounds.

Her face got contorted and this couldn't be aborted. This love was too hard to stop.. Especially since I was on top.. She screamed and moaned as I groaned. Michael.. She said. Suzanne.. I groaned. If I could get that again, I'd do anything to feel that again. That's why I keep doing it to her. I want her to feel the same. But I know that she's used to it.. She's never feel it again.. When Chris came along, I wanted to kill. Kill that bastard and bury him under a hill. Even if it is wrong to kill.. I'll do it, against my will.

He hurt my girl, the woman I love. If I get descriptive with this, then of this I want you to never speak of. I never want to go to jail.. I wish that bastard would go to hell. But I have to pray and count to three, before I destroy humanity. I'd die hard for that girl. She my love, my precious pearl. My summer love, my morning dove. I'd do anything for her, Suzanne's the one I love. I picture us doing things right. Five or six kids and her being a happy wife. Chris dead and out of sight.

I had a job and I was doing great.. Until one day, the day I hate.. She came to me and asked to talk. Into her office, is where we walked. I sat down and we began to speak. I help her with some papers then received a kiss on the cheek. I looked at her wide eyed and tried to speak, but I just a mouthful of lips before I could speak. I turned around and started to scold.. I should've left that room and now, forever guilt I'll hold. To earn the trust of the one I love is bad enough, but to be reminded of it everyday is very rough.

I try to touch her but it doesn't feel the same, the love-making is my fault to blame. I feel dirty, it's hard to explain. After cheating, I feel nothing but pain. That's why I blackout and make love to Suzanne that way. It's the only time I feel no pain. It transfers to her physically and it heals me mentally. We don't even have our college degrees but yet, I'm twenty and she's nineteen. We're making it as I'm trying to get clean. I know she's hurt.. Because of my decisions, she decides what she's worth..

I hate this pain.. The season of rain.. And now my first child is with my ex-boss.. What's more important, Her or Diana Ross? Definitely my wife. I promised her my life. A new life. To make another life. To stay for the rest of my life. I want my first child with her.. Not my boss or any other.. No, just my wife. She's my life. And right now.. She my only life. God Bless The Child..