because sunflwersss did it and i like to torture y'all here's some ben and lizzie content
song i listened to while writing this (if u want the vibe i had writing this): total eclipse of the heart
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     she had been coughing again for a few days now.

     liz had never been the sickly type, not since i'd met her, not now, not ever. but she gave me that smile, that pretty smile, the one i fell in love with, kissed me on the cheek, and told me it was just a case of the sniffles. just a winter cold.

     neither of us brought up the fever, the last time she'd been really sick, because if you said it, it became true. it became a possibility again. the doctor had said it was a possibility- not everyone had immunity like i did to it. especially someone like lizzie, who hadn't caught it growing up.

     "i love you." i told her, arm wrapped around her shoulder, sitting on the couch, because it was a while until i had to leave for work, for the day, away from her, and we had nothing to do, nowhere to go, not quite yet. nothing on our minds but that cough, but that was a reality neither of us were brave enough to face, one we were praying wasn't anything much. and as i headed out to work, i found myself staring out the window and praying for the first time in years.
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"benjamin, go say hello to the new neighbors." my mother swatted at my arm with a towel, and i knew i'd get lectured if i didn't. but neighbors were boring and i was twelve now! i shouldn't have to go.

     "why?" i whined, knowing that'd just get me pushed out the door. and what do you know, mom pushed me out the door, saying, "because i told you to. take them this plate of food, too, i'm sure they're exhausted from moving."

     and that's how i ended up in front of the neighbor's  front door, holding a plate of chicken, and knocking like an idiot.

      "hello?" a woman about my mom's age answered the door. i cleared my throat, trying to sound manly and older. i failed. "hi, i'm ben. i live next door. my mom sent me to give you this." i held the plate out, and the lady took it, telling me, "come in, sweet boy. i have a couple girls about your age."

     ugh! didn't she know girls were gross? but i didn't say that, just stepped inside. she turned to the stairs and called out, "lizzie! anna! come here, i want you to meet the boy from next door!" two girls came down the stairs, one about my age, one a little older than her. huh, must be nice to have a sibling. i wish i had one. the younger, a little blonde girl, approached me and smiled. "hi, i'm lizzie! do you like to play marbles?"

     and that's when i knew we were going to be friends.
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it's funny, thinking about that, when i thought girls were all gross and couldn't do anything. twelve-year-old me would have a fit if he knew what we were like now. lizzie was curled up next to me, head on my chest, sleepy and looking content. i kissed her head, smiling down at her. "tired?" i asked, stroking her hair and pulling her closer.

     "a little-" she started coughing again, only this time, it wasn't a light cough like before. she was getting really sick. liz took a breath, regaining her composure. "but it's nothing i can't handle, ben. let's stay up a little longer." and i was weak, weak for her, "of course, baby. but you should really see a doctor, you know?" she was getting worse. i could see it, she knew. but we didn't want to admit it. didn't want to see her sick, even if she would get better. she had to get better.

right?
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"let me get this straight." why was anna so scary? lizzie wasn't this scary. "you want to take my sister, my baby sister, on a date?" she's going to kill me. i'm going to die before i can even take lizzie anywhere.

"uh, yeah. i got it cleared by your dad, and uh, your mom, but i thought i'd get your permission too. i'm sure if i had siblings, that's, that's what they would want. yeah." and i was a nervous idiot. a stupid nervous wreck. what if anna said no? she's a whole adult, and that's really scary. but i really like liz.

     "you're a sweet kid, i'll give you that." why did anna call me a kid? i'm seventeen, a soldier. come on, anna, make up your mind. please? i'm scared here. "and we've known you for years." she sighed. "i'm okay with it. but if you hurt her, don't think i won't break every bone in your body."

     thank goodness! i was so excited, so so so happy. but being a stupid teenager, all i said was, "i don't want to get broken." because i'm smart like that.

     "don't hurt my baby sister and you won't be broken. easy."

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     the doctor had diagnosed her with flu. give her plenty of fluids, he said, bed rest too. and we had both breathed a sigh of relief. she was okay, my wife was okay. and that's all that mattered. we'd been up late that night, excited she was fine and we'd been overreacting.

he'd given her six days, and if she wasn't feeling better by then, call him back. so she didn't do anything on day three, when a rash appeared, or on day four, when she starting coughing again, only this time, there was blood on the napkin after. i begged her to call, and finally, on day six, the doctor returned to our house, looked at lizzie, my lizzie, lying sick on the couch- she'd banished herself from our room as to not get me sick- with a grim look on his face.

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     saturday morning, today was the day. i'd practically jumped out of bed, the guys in the barracks laughing at me for doing so, and put on my best suit. maybe it was ridiculous, but i wanted to dress to impress. i was twenty-one, a man, and her father would expect no less. it seemed like it took forever to get to her house from the base, even if it was only twenty minutes away. i held my breath, knocked on the door, mr. winchester practically looming down in me, though he greeted me with a smile and took me into his living room, sitting me on the couch, asking, "and to what do i owe this visit?"

     i decided getting straight into it was the best idea. "well, sir, i'm here to ask you a question." at his nod, i continued, "i'd like to ask permission to have lizzie for the rest of my life. i want to propose to her, sir." say yes, say yes, because i need to know. time had practically slowed down, and then he burst into a chuckle.

     "benjamin, my boy, i thought you'd never ask! took you long enough, i thought you were going to keep her hanging on forever." he patted my back. "absolutely. i'd be honored to call you my son-in-law." and that was all the confirmation i had ever wanted.

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     i could tell what it was before he even said the words, and i was about to break, wasn't once enough? why did whatever god there was feel the need to torment my lizzie like this, she was my whole world, they had to know that! they couldn't just take her, not like this.

     "i'm so sorry, mr. samos, i was wrong." the doctor sighed. "it's scarlet fever, but by the look in your face, i assume you already know that." this was the part where he cured her. the part where he fixed her.

     "so what do we do? how do we cure it this time?" my voice was cracking. lizzie didn't deserve this. didn't deserve any of it. she'd survived it once, she could do it again, right? if that doctor didn't answer, i was going to strangle him. he was making me wait too long, when liz's life was on the line, and that wasn't a price i was willing to pay. i found myself thinking, take mine instead, do whatever you need to, just not her, she's the only thing i have left.

     "i can give her medicine, but i fear the disease might advance, especially with her weakened immune system." what did he mean, advance? he had to cure her, it wasn't an option, and i told him just that. "give it to her, whatever she needs, whatever it takes. cure my wife." not liz, no, she couldn't leave me, not now.

     the doctor, such a lame excuse for a man, handed me two bottles. "don't worry about payment." and i could tell he thought i'd be paying for more in a bit of time, but he'd be wrong. "give it to her three times a day each. keep her cool."

     i headed into the room, pulled a chair right next to the sofa, and reached for her hand. "hey, sweetie." i stroked the back of her hand, kissing her on the mouth gently. she shook her head in protest, shivering a bit. "i don't want you to get sick." she coughed again, her small body shaking, god damnit, why wouldn't she just let me hold her? "don't worry about me, liz. we're going to get you better, and then you can worry all you want." i stroked her hair back before dosing the medication. "here, take this." and i just prayed that it would work, like it had last time.

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i'd taken her to the beach. it was late september, now, so not a lot of people were there. the ring i'd chosen wasn't fancy by any means- liz had never liked that stuff- just a little diamond, a dainty band. i just hoped she liked it. liz was right next to me, eating a strawberry out of the picnic basket, and we were just talking, casual conversation, things that made liz laugh, god, i loved her laugh. she leaned closer to me, kissing my cheek gently, taking one of my hands. "penny for your thoughts? you're thinking too hard right now."

"i've actually been meaning to ask you something." i squeezed her hand gently. wait, this was all wrong. i was supposed to be down on one knee, not holding her on a picnic blanket on a beach. but it was perfect, for us anyway. "liz, will you marry me?" i held out the ring in front of her, heart in my throat, hoping she would say yes.

     "you want me to be your wife?" she asked, looking shocked. "ben... i- yes! of course i'll marry you!" she squealed, pulling me into a hug, squeezing me tight. i only broke it to put the ring on her finger, and in that moment, i really realized just how right it felt.
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the medicine started working, and that's when i thought that maybe, just maybe, i believed in god again. the military didn't exactly reinforce any beliefs in god you might have, unless you were really devout. and i never had been. but if something was curing liz, then i'd pray to any god you wanted me to.

she was looking so much healthier. the coughing up blood had stopped, the rash had faded, and she'd started staying with me again. she was back in my arms, safe and sound, and i was so thankful for everything, even for that stupid doctor that didn't have faith in her, that thought she'd leave me behind, thought she'd- no, i wouldn't even think of that.

tonight wasn't much different than any other night, we were laying in bed, and she was pressed against my chest, leaning up and kissing me. it was nice, a sign she was feeling better, so i'd take it. anything she wanted. her hands brushed at the bottom of my shirt, and she was starting to pull at it. i moved away, "you sure you're feeling okay?" i asked, not wanting to push her. she moved back towards me, nodding. "absolutely sure."

i let her pull my shirt the rest of the way off, let her do whatever she felt like for the rest of the night.
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liz moved in with me not long after we got engaged, into a little home, a couple bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen, nothing much. but it was home, and with her, anything was perfect. moving in wasn't easy, it took almost all day, especially since we didn't have much help- anna had just judged our house all day, and our parents were getting older.

     but the easiest way to make a house a home is to live in it, at least in my opinion, and that night, after liz made dinner and i was washing the dishes, she snuck up behind home and flung a rag at me, getting me wet. she thought it was hilarious until i did the same thing back to her, forgetting anna was still in our house, judging us from the living room. anna stood at the door of kitchen, calling us kids for playing around like that, that she and her husband would never, and while we were laughing, that's when i knew we were going to be just fine.
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     what we hadn't anticipated was her getting sick again. the medicine not working anymore, not stopping the sickness all the way. it started when the rash popped back up, the coughing following soon after. i made the doctor come back as soon as possible, but when he told me he couldn't fix this, i lost it.

     liz acted like she was fine, acted completely normal until she couldn't anymore. five days after the fever had come back, she couldn't stand. i'd carries her to our bed from the couch, because she should at least be comfortable. we both knew what was going to happen, both knew she probably wouldn't make it through this, but liz was more inclined to admit it than me. my parents were both long dead- they couldn't have lizzie, too, not now, not before it was her time. she looked up at me, a weak smile on her face, and squeezed my hand.

     "will you be okay without me, ben?"

     "don't talk like that, you'll be fine."
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     today was the day. my father had insisted on tying my tie, saying, "it might be the last time i get to, boy, so you come over here." i didn't protest, didn't mind anyway, and was too overcome with nerves to even think about being sarcastic with him. it was too good of a day to be angry or anything of the sorts, anyway.
    
      i wondered what liz's dress looked like. i knew she was wearing white, but that was the extent of my knowledge, because it was bad luck to see her dress before the wedding, and oh my god, i'm getting married. it hadn't actually hit me until now, waiting at the alter, that lizzie was about to be my wife, and wow, i couldn't wait. i'd be the best husband ever, i promised myself, eventually, the best dad ever. liz and i both wanted kids, and i couldn't believe that we would get the chance to have a family together. a life together.

     the music started, and then she was there, in the prettiest white dress i've ever seem, looking absolutely stunning, and for a minute, i forgot how to speak. forgot what words were, because now she was right in front of me, the most beautiful bride ever, about to become my wife. how did i get so lucky? i remember saying my vows, saying everything, but it was like my brain had gone in autopilot. all i could focus on was her, everything else didn't matter.

     "elizabeth winchester, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

     "i do."

     "benjamin samos, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

     "i do." god, did i.

     "then you may kiss the bride." and i did, like never before.
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     they say it's always darkest before the dawn. what nobody ever talks about is the times the dawn never arrives, like now, with lizzie coughing up clots of blood, shaking so much, and i couldn't do anything but hold her hand, helpless against the fever, helpless against what was killing the love of my life. she shivered again, sniffling a bit, "can i have another blanket?" and i barely had the heart to tell her we didn't have any more, tucking them around her shoulders, kissing her cheek, ignoring just how hot she was getting, just how much the fever was hurting her.

     it'd been a week now, a week of this killing her cruelly, a slow and long death. and i didn't know what to do for her, how to fix it, make it stop. she couldn't eat, let alone take medication. now, it was simply a matter of comfort. she squeezed my hand, her breathing labored. "ben, listen, please." and who was i to tell her no? no one, she was the priority here. "of course, liz, what is it?"

     "when i'm gone," another coughing fit, worse than the last, and i didn't interrupt her to say she'd make it, because we both knew it wasn't true, and she'd told me to stop with the lies, "please don't shut people out. you're good at doing that. move on, don't forget me, but find someone new, that makes you happy. please don't spend your life alone because i'm not there anymore." how could i tell her she was the only one i could ever love? i couldn't just forget her. "of course, baby. anything you say."

     she took her hand out of mine, twisted her wedding rings off, placed them in my hand, squeezed it tight, and looked me in the eyes. "i love you, ben. more than anything." and i told her the same, right back, "i love you too, lizzie. more than anything." my voice cracked, and i found that as the life left her body, my soul went too.
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