Change

Hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos matapos kung mabasa iyon. How cruel is life for both of us. Both a cancer patient but not in fair for the chances of having a normal life. I was wondering what kind of life he was living for a moment he was diagnosed? Is he living like mine too? How naïve of me not to noticed his behavior back then?

The sudden tired tita's excuse after our board game. How self-centered I was back then. That I looked at it more in my own point of view and not to considered him too. He was part of my life then and yet... I realized I became my parents that time.

If I only noticed... would things will be different from now?

If I only paid attention to it... would I knew and not be a rebellious and brat back then?

What if's, was only matter when the event occur when It don't matter that time. How I wish I could turn back the time and make things right. But who I am today I did that? Will I realized my wrongs? Wishing to pull back time was a move for like me a regretter of something I wish I knew before.

"Kunti na lang mag f-freeze na yang kape mo ate," Ayvi whispered beside me with annoying tone. I didn't even flinch like I usually do. But a glare from my peripheril vision. But a smug looked counter me. "Stop that, Ate. You look like Pichi when I'm not giving her food." And then she roll her eyes.

I hissed at her and didn't bother to fight her back. She always have something to counter my move. Hindi ako madaling mainis at mapikon pero sa kapatid ko tingin pa lang niya pikon na pikon na ako. Siya lang ang may kakayahang pikunin ako ng ganito. Bwesit.

Napatalon ako sa kinauupuan ko habang nanlalaki ang mata nang maramdaman ang hintuturo niyang malamig sa may gilid ng kili-kili ko. "Ayvi!"

Hindi siya natinag sa pagtawag ko sa pangalan niya. Tinuro lang ako nito at saka pinagtawanan ng todo. Mangiyak ngiyak na siya sa katatawa ng pumasok si mama sa may sala para alamin ang nangyayari.

"Iniinis mo na naman ba ang Ate mo, Ayaan Vihaan Hayes?" kalmado ngunit may diin na bangit ni Mama sa buong pangalan ni Ayvi. Patay kang bata ka. Napaayos siya ng upo at natigil sa pagtawa. Ako naman itong nagpipigil baka masita ni... "at ikaw Azelline Vaia Hayes." Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko ng maging ako tawagin ni Mama sa buong pangalan. Hala bad mood si mader? Baka nag bangayan na naman sila ni Papa at si Papa ang nanalo?

"Ang aga aga ang lakas lakas ng bibig mo. Pareho kayo ng tatay mo," I pretend not hearing her word so I won't laugh. Feeling ko dudugo na ang labi ko sa higpit ng kagat ko. "Hay!" Hasik niya saka umalis sa harap namin. Bago tahimik itong bumalik may dala dalang mansanas.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Ayvi. Mukhang chismiss ang makakapag sundo sa magka ibang blood pressure na namamayani sa aming dalawa.

"Do you think?" bitin niyang tanong sa akin. Napahawak ako sa baba para alalahanin ang ilang naging pagtatalo at pagiging irita ni Mama kay Papa. Possible dahil hindi pa naman meno—

Pareho kaming napatango. "Confirm sis. May pahabol."

"Anong pahabol?" Pareho kaming napalingon ni Ayvi ng marinig ang boses ni papa sa likod namin. Pinanlakihan ko ng mata si Ayvi na huwag magsalita dahil wala pa namang proweba.

"Iyong utot po ni Ayvi, Papa. May pahabol ang baho," may pagkukumbinsi kung saad.

"Ano! Bakit ako? Eh ikaw 'tong –"

Tinakpan ko na ang bibig ni Ayvi dahil hindi ito papatalo sa akin. Ugaling namana niya kay Mama. Napakamot na lang ng noo si Papa saka umupo gilid ko.

"Ang init ng dugo ng mama niyo sa akin." Pagsusumbong niya.

Napatigil ako sa pag inom ng kapeng malamig na nga. "Wala naman akong ginagawa. Tinanong ko lang kung anong oras na. Ayon para ng bulkan na sumabog." Napahagod ng buhok si Papa habang namomoblema. Napalingon siya sa amin.

"Baka naman Pa ano..." pahiwatig ni Ayvi. Kumunot ang noo niya.

"Anong ano?"

"Na ano..."

"Ano nga?"

"Hanggang sa kwarto naririnig ko ang boses mo!"

Pare pareho kaming natahimik. "Teka nga..." napatayo na si Papa. "Hindi ako sumigaw o nagtaas ng boses bakit umabot hanggang kwarto. Ano ba talagang nangyayari sa iyo?"

"Te... gusto mo popcorn?" bulong naman nitong walang hiya kong kapatid.

"Manahimik ka dyan."

"Ewan ko! Basta naiirita akong marinig ang boses mo. Kaya pwede bang manahimik ka muna?"

Mama glare Papa when he was not saying anything. Ngayon ko lang silang nakitang ganito.

"Ano? Hindi ka iimik? Wala kang sasabihin man lang?"

Kitang kita ang paglaki ng mata ni Papa ng biglang nanubig ang mga mata ni Mama. Hindi na alam ni Papa ang gagawin ng bigla na lang humagulgol si Mama na maging sila Lola ay napasugod na sa sala kung nasaan kami.

"Anong nangyayari?' Kaagad na tanong nito.

"Mukha pong pinaglilihian ni Mama si Papa."

Laglag ang panga ni Lola ng banggitin ko iyon. "Sus maryusip. Abay malapit ng mag menopause ang nanay niyo," gulat niyang pahayag. Hindi ko mapigilang matawa sa reaksyon ni Lola. Habang si Lolo tahimik na nakatanaw sa amin.

Nang kumalma na ang lahat. Saka lang natanong ni Lola si Mama sa hinala namin at shock. Confirm nga. Delayed si Mama ng isang buwan. This since was de javu. This like moment when our world collides. I met him again and became close not just to him, but also to his family that become my second family.

But this time we won't have the chance to meet again like before.

"What with the long face?"

I feel him sit on my side. It's already noon. The heat coming from the sun is getting hotter. The shadow of the tree can't provide the shade for us at this time. Instead of umbrella, he used his broad body to cover me from the sunlight. The hot breeze blown to us.

"What's the matter?"

His voice can't hide the worry he feels. I closed my eyes and let a sign.

"My Mother is pregnant."

"That's good news." He said in the matter of fact. Pinatong niya ang baba niya sa ulo ko. "Are you looking back again?" he quested. Walang halong pait iyon. Natural at kalmado.

I nodded at him. A moment of silent between us.

"If his here. For sure his happy."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "I know. I just can't believe this is happening again. And I know this time. I can make the right choice." Smile slip on my lips while looking up on him. He smiled back at me. We both in silent. I just want this scene so calming and so different from the past.

"Will I become a good eldest sister this time hm?" I asked quietly to him. The sun started to set. The change on its light reflecting to the river across through his side face. I almost lost to his heaven sent visual. The light from sun gives him the perfect angle from my view. So fascinating. What the hell I am thinking? For Pete's sake Aze wake up!

I blinked to hold myself. And added my query. "Do you think so?"

Strange emotion passed through his eyes. What is it? "Of course, you are." He looked away from his side I can see sadness in his eyes. And it hit me.

"I... I—m sorry."

I lower my gaze to my hand resting to my lap. I started to play my fingers when he does not respond to my apology. I know it still fresh to him. Hindi na naman ako naging sensitive. I should have to think rational before asking or saying things. Losing one of your loved one was damn painful. Lalo na close na close mo pa.

He didn't say anything. I just felt his hands over mine. His calloused large palm covers my candle like fingers. My hands look tiny on his. Magaan ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko. His thumb rubbing the back of my hands. His like sending me message to relax, and things will be alright. His gesture melts me. How can I hurt him like this? And yet he still soft to me. Do I deserve him?

He didn't let go my hand. Until he walks with me to my house. This was too different back then. I can really feel now the tension between us. Mas napapansin ko na ang bilis ng pagdating namin dati na parang ang layo ng nilalakad namin. Humarap na ako sa kanya hindi pa rin inaalis ang kamay sa palad niya. "Thank you."

Pinisil lang niya ang kamay ko bago iyon pinakawalan. Tahimik akong naglakad papasok sa bahay. Ngunit bago pa ako tuluyang makapasok sa loob. Huminto ako sa may pintuan at tinanaw siya pabalik. Paalis na siya ng makita ko.

I don't know why my heart is pounding so fast like I joined in the marathon. The fact we're just walked. What the hell is this?

"Saan ka galing?"

Sa biglang tanong ni Papa mas kumabog ang pintig ng puso ko. Mabilis ang paghinga habang nakasandal sa likod ng pinto. Lumambot ang mukha ni Papa saka ako mabilis na dinaluhan.

"Pasensya ka na. Kanina ka pa hinahanap ng Mama mo." Inalalayan niya akong umupo sa may sofa. "Pinuntahan kita sa madalas mong tambayan pero wala ka doon." Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Sa tono niya mukhang pagod na pagod siya. Ano kayang nangyari dito habang nag iisip isip ako.

"Ano po bang naganap dito?"

Napasandal si Papa sa back rest ng sofa. "Alam mo naman ang init ng dugo ng mama mo sa akin. At sa tuwing nakikita at naririnig niya ako umiinit ang dugo niya sa akin. Kaya hinahanap kita para alalayan ang mama mo. Ayaw ko siya ma stress dahil lang sa akin. Baka mapano sila." Sabay tingin niya sa akin. Puno ng pag aalala ang mata ni Papa. Mahigpit niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"Mahal ko kayong lahat. At ayaw ko lang may mapahamak ni isa sa inyo. Hinding hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko."

Humilig ako kay Papa. Pinulupot niya ang kamay sa akin ara yakapin ako. Naramdaman ko din ang marahan niyang halik sa noo ko.

"Hoy! Ako din!"

Bahagyan umalon ang sofa dahil sa paglundag ni Ayvi. Sumiksik siya sa kanya ni Papa. Kagaya ko humilig at yumakap siya kay papa. Natigil ang momentum namin ng dumating si Mama at inagaw na si Papa sa amin.

Sa ilalim ng bilyong mga tala sa langit. Ako ngayon payapang sasambitin na ngayon gagawin ko ang bagay na hindi ko nagawa noon. I was immature and power with my envious but now the series of event that brought changes to previous self. Will started the new me with my new little sibling.

"Didrik thank you. Meeting you was the best thing I ever have. Having your family was my solace. If only things can turn back. My only hope is knowing you better. Treat you better than from what I did. Wala kang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang damayan at intindihin ako. Pero tinulak kita palayo." I paused and wiped the tears slide from my eyes. "Huli man na... pero sana marinig mo ito kung nasaan ka man. I cared and loved you it's just too late to realized."

April 10, 2008

Dear dairy,

It's been a week I feel better. You know what those time pain was inevitable all I was thinking of Azelline. I wanted to see her. But that's possible if I survived those pain. I really hope we see each other. I feel my time has become shorter so I want to see her before everything was uncontrollable.

Also, to state my feelings even that a selfish move because I know I can't hold much long this time. I don't know if that's okay. But I have a high gut that she can move on from me. I know someone will love her greater than my love for you. That's deeper from me. If only things are right. She was able to have it but I'm sorry I take away it. By time I'm pretty sure she know about it. I am already asking her forgives.

Loving her in the wrong time,

Didrik.

What do you mean by that, Didrik? Every night I have this habit of reading his dairy but now. What the hell? This will surely change everything once I learned it.