I think ultimately the think I want out of my life is to be happy. Like true happiness. Since forever I haven't been able to find that.

It should have come from my family, from people I love. I love my grandpa so much I intend to have a radio & old books tattooed on the skin near my heart. I do think I like mom and sis. But still, since my puberty - when I started to voice my dreams, thing I like, things I want to do from now on - all they did was laugh at my face.

This probably is the root of all my anxiety.

I tried to fit into this society, which I don't think is a good place for me. You know that feeling when you feel like you don't belong to this circle? To me it's the whole human society. And it is because they have been telling me that I live too much in my dreams, because I won't be able to live comfortably doing artistic or unrealistic things that I'm so into.

It feels like they've been denying me. They've been denying my thoughts, my whole identity, my whole existence. They said it was impossible, even when I was pass 18 and was trying to decide my future career, which I wasn't really interested in considering how "trendy" and "realistic" it was. By the way, it was UI designer, and my sister still said I won't be able to do it.

Well she was right, I decided that I really didn't want to study that and chose what I really wanted to learn, although I knew that I would have a hard time making a career out of it. But fuck this life, I almost killed myself for making myself go through what I didn't like. It's too soon to worry about the future. If I can't make it through the present, then the future won't even come.

It's because they want the best future possible for me, I know. But isn't that how parents always end up hurting their children, especially when the children show potential for what the adults expect them to become? By forcing them to stop doing useless things, to focus on subjects at school that might ensure them a bright future, which the kids don't even like and they are so stressed out about it they cry their eyes out every night, without anyone noticing.

I wasn't stubborn enough to stay true to my passions. After all those years all of being told I couldn't do shits, I didn't have enough self-confidence to do what I really wanted to. It was so fucking annoying, sad and lonely and bitter when I had to study or do what I like secretly, as if I were commiting crimes. Furthermore, they've always been thinking badly of gay people too. And with that, I decided that I don't belong even in my own family.

But the real moment when I gave up on them was around March last year. I sent the SOS signals. I said I wanted to die, was crying and instead of directly talked to mom face to face, I texted her on the phone in English. She swept it away with "You are just stressed out". I cut my wrist then, not deep enough to leave visible scars (still, one stays barely visible), hoping she will notice. Supringly, she didn't notice shits (lmao). It was so hilarious I wanted to sneer at myself.

I went into a "slump". I slept a whole lot. I cried laughing talking to that "another person" through video call, complaining about how a certain 2D rap franchise's new songs were still bad, because I wanted to distract myself from all the anxiety. When she left the call there for me the whole day, tried to stay with me, I was happy. But still, she's not family. She's a friend. There are limits to what a friend can do, and I can't keep burdening them with my problems. They have their own problems to take care of. Meanwhile, my mom kept on nagging me not to sleep so much, magnificently failed to notice how bad my mental state was, and have been. I think it's also around this time that I have decided to cling onto life through idols.

They failed to grasp how desperate my pleas for help was, talking about it like some childish tantrums. So I gave up on them.

It was also one of the reasons that pushed me to that one extreme decision: The Whale fall.

Like I has said before, I feel like the happy moments are all so fleeting. They all feels like copium. If I want to, then I can just immediately lose interest in them. It's like I just make myself believe that this is happiness, but in reality it isn't. Like I can never feel what true happiness is.

Living for the trivial and fleeting happiness is not bad, but I haven't changed my mind since the beginning: I don't want it. I still long for something more "stable", I want the true happiness, and I think that it should come from a living human, that can be by myself until the day I die.

That sounds like a lover. But I've been considering the possibility of me being an aro/ace, also it needs to be someone who can handle the mentally unstable mess I am. With that, I gave up on finding a lover too.

In short, my true happiness - which has to come from a person who can help me go through this life - cannot be my family or a friend. I can never find a lover who's good enough, neither can I lower my expectations because if so, that person might just make me want to kill myself even more. That's why I gave up on it completely, and resorted to the copium happiness, aka my idols.

Remember the pitch black sky I talked about? There is one glimmer now. I forced it to glimmer, even when I hate it and again, feel so fucking sad and lonely and bitter about it. Even when the light is so dull it seems more like ash. Even when I don't know when it will burn out, I'm trying my best to fool myself that I still have something to chase after.

In the end, it's just me myself and I, trying to help my own self. Today too, I'm trying my best to cling to the transparent spider's thread that has been attaching me to this world.

O0723