this whole life i've been feeling like i couldn't decide my life, and now the only moment i feel like i can is when i'm trying to take my own life.

i think that we are just being manipulated by life. people who are happy enough to say things like "i love this life" are actually loved by life itself. we act as if we control things, as if it completely depends on us whether we enjoy life. but we are just flesh and bones, mere humans. we, from the start until the very end, don't have that much authority over our lives.

we are pawns, and pawns only gain power when they reach the other side. actually, we are even lower than pawns then.

i might be being pessimistic and all of it might be my personal biased perspective. so be it then.

the "fate" thing does exist, more or less. i'm not saying that you cannot change fate somehow, i do think that it's possible. however, i also believe that there are unchangeable aspects. things which no matter how much you run towards them, strive for them, work yourself to the ground just for them, you can never reach them.

i think of wishes as stars. hopes, too, are also temptingly dazzling. there are shining stars, there are stars which neither emit a fraction of light nor reflect others'. my night sky, it's been dyed black for a while.

i cry hard, or at least sob whenever i see youngsters, usually in media products, chasing their dreams and doing their utmost in life. i've been thinking whether it's because i also want to be like that, yet, i cannot seem to find an answer.

it's tiring to follow dreams, but it is fun at the same time. i did cherish those moments when i loved what i had been doing, but then came pressure, then came people laughing at me, drowning my voice, with no one backing me up. those were jokes without any malice to some people, but to me who has poorly low self-esteem, those made me mad, wanting the world to disappear, and wanting to destroy all of my precious works at the same time.

there are people who can push through all of that and achieve their goals though. must have been so nice.

i remember trying to put a name to the feelings. anger, disappointment, pain, cowardice, sadness, hating my incompetent self for unable to gain approval. maybe i couldn't figure out the name because it was all of those negative emotions.

there is this another problem with me. i always want more. there are always things i want to do more than this, there are things i want to do as much as this. i can never do them all, i can never even hope to try some of them. so i'm always unsatisfied, always unable to follow my dreams, all of my dreams. i held onto all of them, i've always been a stubbornly greedy kid, but my grip had loosened with time it seems.

an anime series about a real-life japanese poet, with some fabricated materials, has a line that goes something like this: "i write poetry because i want to remember all the faint, tiny sparkles around me. and right in the middle of it, there was kyousuke-san."

(i apologize in advance, i surely have no intention of tainting the original author's idea about this very wholesome and poetic image)

to me, those sparkles are just like drugs. fairy dust, used to cast the magic making us forget all the sadness, exhaustion, or even the most unfortunate things. it is not always effective, but most of the time it is. and we long for it, we embrace the sparkles every time we are released from our day-to-day duties.

i love the sparkles i usually found, sincerely. though perhaps missing a figure in the middle of it makes all of the sparkles really easy to throw away - like trash - still, i've never wanted that figure, much less searched for it. mom, and i assume some other members in my family, will say that is why i need to get myself a spouse, children, a family of my own. but i have always failed to understand exactly why should i get myself more baggages to chain me to this earth?

or perhaps i refused to succumb to this particular addictive substance, to make it my sole reason for existing. yes, i told myself that happiness is just as hideous as some marijuana, so that i can separate myself from it, coming back to work just to live another day, in order to be able to indulge in those sparkles again.

not a bad way of living, i suppose. yet i don't like it. i feel like it's so meaningless. oftentimes, in the middle of my mood swings where i suddenly lose interest in everything, the only thing left is how nice it would be to leave this world.

a living purpose is what i will sneer at, but without it, life is just another toy that can be toss out the window anytime.

i'm cursed, for being such a romantic. well then, since i'm that much of a romantic, i will now become a whale and trail off into the dream realm. please excuse me first.

あぁ、いさなのように

J2922