Lie To Girls - Sabrina Carpenter

"Can you believe we've been together for a year?" Sierra mumbles to Luke, getting more comfortable on his lap.

Officially his longest relationship ever. Happiest too.

He feels like he's walking the wire in a circus. Everyone knows it's his longest relationship; everyone is watching him; some are praying for his downfall, some are cheering him on, and he's frozen with fear to take a step forward. There's no way back either. He's stuck. 'The only way is through', he remembers her say. And she promised to hold his hand all the way. She's his safety net. He won't fall. He can't. If he does, he'll bounce back. Ricochet even.

"Hello? It's my birthday?" Calum sighs beside them on the couch.

They did the same thing on New Year's. Remembered how Sierra confessed her feelings, how 'it all started'.

"Do you want me to give you a kiss too?"

Luke laughs at that.

"Not the kind you gave him." Calum grimaces. "It's bad enough my present is coming only next month."

They're giving him a kitten. One of their kittens.

After they fed the cat by their door, they went to the neighbours they know in the building, asking if she's theirs, but no one claimed her. They all were too just feeding her. But she stuck with Luke and Sierra.

They called her Olivia. Apparently, she was pregnant when they took her. Probably having felt the unusual movement inside, she chose a warmer place for her future family. They were just lucky to notice her. She's really affectionate. After they bathed her-or whatever that was-and gave her all the immediate medicine, she came cuddling to their bed that exact evening. With no hesitation, she made them her family. She gets along with Petunia, too, to their surprise. The only ones who don't get along with the dog are the kittens. She doesn't understand the small creatures. Olivia isn't too eager to be a mother either. She's probably just a teenager in her cat years. She looks youthful and has that naivety in her huge green eyes.

Luke, on the other hand, cannot stop kissing the small faces and even calls them his best friends. Since they started crawling and walking, he hasn't slept properly for weeks-he's scared to squish them if they somehow get on the bed. He couldn't have imagined getting so attached to the babies, and when they were just born, he was ready to give them to strangers, but now he knows he can't really trust anyone with them. But he can't have three kittens, their mom, and a dog all together in the flat. So one baby goes to Calum and one to Sierra's father, and the youngest baby boy stays with them because Luke can't let him go. He says the cat is his soulmate-he sleeps the whole day, is barely active despite his siblings trying to get into fights with him here and there, a bit dumb as he sometimes bites the plate instead of the food, and he eats like a grown cat.

"They have this weird obsession with shoes and feet and socks and all that stuff. Little foot fetishits." Sierra says after Luke finishes talking about the scratches on his hands and somehow face from when the kittens get too playful.

"Definitely not your kids." Calum laughs.

"Luke raises them mostly, so yeah."

By midnight, they say their goodbyes and walk out into a freezing white night, watching big puffy snowflakes fall on their faces. Luke smiles, looking at what he now knows is a see-through sky. Stepping onto the softest snow, they walk to the car hand in hand, and Luke leans down to kiss her before opening the door.

"So cold." he winces, slightly pulling away.

"What?"

"Your lips are very cold."

"Yeah, it's winter." Sierra smiles. "Yours aren't better, but I don't complain."

He nods and kisses her again.

"Will you get a tattoo with me?" Luke asks carefully, stopping at the traffic lights.

"What? You wanna get a tattoo? You said you'd never get one."

She got her first tattoo with him by her side. He didn't agree to go in with her at first, but then she mentioned how scared she was, and seconds later he felt himself nod. So two days after their school prom-when the alcohol was out of their systems-they both got on a bus and headed off for her appointment. He seemed a lot more anxious than Sierra, and squeezing her free hand all the way through the process, he swore he'd never get a tattoo. She often sees him looking at the numerous drawings on her body, tracing them with his fingers, though.

"I wanna get a daisy. Like your necklace." he motions to her neck, where the L and daisy pendants are intertwined.

Her cheeks go red and her mind fills with anticipation, but she can only ask, "Where?"

"Where would you want it? It is a tattoo for you after all."

She looks away for a second.

"Like, I'm not gonna get your name tattooed, but a daisy seems really nice." he smiles.

"Your arm. The inner side. I always put my head there." she pats his bicep.

He nods, and as soon as they get home, Sierra makes an appointment for him for a Saturday of February 14th.

Mr. Curt has been praising Luke's works quite frequently from the start of the year, but when Luke hears him say, "Hey, that's such a great job, kid! A few more works like that, and I can definitely see you getting promoted.", he knows it's going somewhere he doesn't want it to.

So he parks his car outside Sierra's school and dials her number. On the other end, she tells him to wait in the hall on the second floor, so he does.

She's in the principal's office again with the same problem she's had for weeks now-one of her students is visibly poorer than others. His clothes are rarely clean; he never has lunch with him or buys it, and it's not long until the others start bullying him. And usually she wouldn't do more than report the family, but she's met his parents. These people can afford to not only wash his clothes but also get clean ones every other day. It's not a money problem.

"He can only rely on himself; that's the way the world works." principal Perry replies from where she's sitting at her desk as Rebecca brings her coffee and doesn't leave the room.

"He's a child! People learn that by losing their friends after graduating high school or being betrayed by someone close, not by their parents rejecting them." Sierra argues. She always thinks of Cory when one of her students struggles-she'd like his teachers to care.

"Dearie, you would be a great mother with the amount of empathy and sympathy and compassion you have in you, but that will be your undoing." she sighs at last, asking both of the women to leave.

"Trying to make up for your past, Sierra?" Rebecca asks, trying to speak louder when she notices Luke at the end of the hallway.

"What?"

"Come on, you remember." she nudges her, and Sierra stops, looking up at her with a frown. Rebecca moves her eyes to Luke. "Maybe I need to tell him why he and Jessica really broke up."

She scoffs, "He doesn't care about it."

But she does. It was the moment she realised what all the participation in the school debates gave her apart from high grades-the ability to convince people of anything she says. Anything. The first year of loving her best friend was the hardest-she was constantly jealous without being able to show it, she was overwhelmed with their every conversation, she was always on edge when around him. She was a teenager. Having spent countless nights crying in her room as silently as she could because she knew she could never date Luke if he's dating someone else, she knew she had to make a move. A stupid move, but still. So during one lunch break, she reminded Jessica what happens to queer kids in schools, but more importantly, what happens to those who date them. Luke got outed by one of their classmates, Eric, and while no one bullied him openly, everyone was whispering behind his back. For Jessica, a girl who cared about being popular and upholding a certain reputation at school, it was vital.

"Let's tell him and see." Rebecca says and walks over to Luke before Sierra can stop her. Without greeting him, she blurts out, "She was the reason Jessica dumped you."

"I wasn't!"

"You were, stop lying about it." she grunts in the same voice she did in high school when trying to shame her for answering all teacher's questions before anyone else even had the time to think.

"I don't doubt you, Sierra." Luke smiles, thinking about how long it took him to recall who Jessica is.

"You don't?"

"No. I'm actually here to talk to you." he takes her hand and leads her out, leaving Rebecca alone in the hallway.

The outside hits them with a wind that makes them chill to the bones, so they hurry to the car, where Luke tells her all about his boss's plan to promote him.

"Honey, don't be such a dark horse, and show them what you have. I'm sure Calum will be fine with you moving forward." she says, turning on the heater.

"I wanna be with him though."

The main reason he applied for the job was Calum. He wanted to work with his best friend. And if it's going to be taken away from him, he just might as well not have this job anymore.

"Do you care about career achievements? Do you want something more out of it?" she wonders. He's never talked about it. He's said he doesn't have goals, but what if deep inside he does?

"I don't know what I want. I just want to be with him." Luke shrugs.

Sierra smiles at him from the side. "Then you should talk to him."

The whole ride home, she keeps thinking about having lied to Luke, and even if it's something neither of them care about, it's still not the thing she preaches about in their relationship. Knowing he'll notice her mind being off and will worry, she decides to get it over with.

Of course, he flips out. Lying even about the tiniest things sends him over the edge, but she definitely couldn't have had this scene in front of Rebecca. Letting her be right is not an option.

"I was sixteen and jealous!" Sierra defends.

"And you couldn't just leave me be? I don't care about Jessica, but why did you think you had the right to interfere? And then lie to me about it?"

"I didn't think, that's the problem! When you came crying to me the night you two broke up, I swore I'd never do anything to hurt you, ever again. And I kept my word. I was sorry for what I did, and I realised that mistake the moment I made it. I couldn't stand to see you so broken when all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy." she sighs at last. "I'm sorry, I was stupid."

"Is that all truth? You never did something like that again?" he lowers his voice at last.

Sierra shakes her head. "I didn't, I swear. And I never will do it again." she covers his hand with her palm, and he doesn't pull away.

His eyes lock with hers as if trying to detect a lie, but a minute later they soften.

"I, uh, will go to Calum. Talk to him about the.. job."

"Right." she nods, looking down.

"Love you." he pecks her cheek and leaves.

Calum's mind is just as overwhelmed as Luke's when he comes to see him, if not more. He keeps replaying the words he wrote in his diary moments before Luke knocked.

"I can't stop the noise in my head. My thoughts. My anxiety. My uncertainty. Being so hard on myself all the time. Feeling like a burden even to my closest friends. Sometimes just not wanting to be here. Not knowing what to do. Having to figure things out. Responsibilities. Being me sometimes. Not understanding what's wrong with me sometimes. I just want a break. From all of it. For just a second."

Luke's high-school flashback distracts him, but when he's asked to give his opinion on the situation, he's back at it again. She's already apologised, Luke's already forgiven her. It's resolved. What's the point of his opinion here? Or anywhere at this matter. Everything in life might as well happen without his opinion about it.

"I feel like there's no point in telling others what I feel and think." Calum finally confesses, which makes Luke take a seat with him on the bed. Makes him notice how dark his room is. His used to be just like that. If he gets up right now and walks across the hallway into his old bedroom, he probably won't see any difference apart from the furniture.

"What happened?"

"I can't stop." Calum mutters, already wanting to take his words back and wishing he never even spoke up.

"What?" Luke asks, but he knows Calum will roll up his sleeves in a second.

"I can't stop. I can't go even a few days without it."

"Is there something going on that we don't know about?" he asks after shutting the door.

"No! It's fine."

Luke doesn't listen. "Money? Cory? Food? What is it?"

"It's nothing. I just do it. I forget to charge my phone before work and can't call Cory, so I do it. I forget to buy salad seasoning, so I do it. I stay up too late knowing I've got work, so I do it. I just do. Every time." he looks down before adding in a low voice, "I don't feel safe in my mind."

Luke pulls him closer into a hug. "I understand." It's too familiar. He started out the same way. The cutting, the constant pressure of his own thoughts, and then it got to isolation, to attempts, to being so far gone that there was no way back. Luke used to cut himself a lot in high school and the first years of university. It was the only way he could get any work done. The adrenaline he got from the pain would give him about half an hour of focusing on his homework. But he couldn't go deep. He didn't want anyone to know. So he would take dull scissors and take out the anger on his wrists. He used to be so rageful-no productivity, no skills, no desire to do anything. And then he just gave up. He gave up university, and he gave up the rage, but most importantly, he gave up on himself. He can't fix himself anymore. But Calum is smart. Calum is not him. He wouldn't waste his life away. He will listen. "You need to see a professional. Please." he whispers.

"You're against all that stuff." Calum scoffs.

Luke breaks the hug gently and turns to look him in the eyes. "For myself. I don't care about me. But I do care about you." he says, nodding. "Please. While it's somewhat fresh. Before it's too late. Before it becomes all you know and remember. Before it consumes you and makes you believe it's all you are."

"And if it's too-"

"It's not. You're better than me." Luke smiles at him shaking his head. "More sensible. You know it's the right thing to do."

"You need help too."

"My whole life I've needed help. I'm tired of needing help."

Luke gets up and disappears behind the door, and Calum almost has the urge to close it but stops himself. A few minutes later, Luke almost trips in the darkness of the room again.

"Come on, got you some tea." he says, giving Calum the cup.

"Sugar?"

"Two."

Calum nods, and Luke leaves again, repeating the same ritual with tea for Cory. Walking back, he can't help but peek into the room he used to call his. It feels like no one's stepped a foot in here since the day he moved out. Even the air is heavy with nothingness. It's so easy to fall into his past habits right now, he realises. He shrugs the feeling off and takes out his phone.

"Hey, I'll stay here for the night, okay?" he speaks into it.

"Will I see you in the morning?" Sierra asks in a hoarse voice, and he immediately knows she's been crying. He only ever makes her cry, and he hates it.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss you." Luke smiles, just thinking about coming back home to her tomorrow morning. "Kiss the babies goodnight for me."

"Who's gonna kiss me goodnight for you?" she mutters.

"I'm sorry."

"Is everything alright? You sound upset." she clings to the phone tighter and gets under the covers.

"How do you always know I'm upset? I thought I was hiding it well."

"Too well. You become too kind."

Luke scoffs.

He hates acting on his emotions, so when he's irritated, he covers it up with helping everyone with everything, then he covers it with kind words he wouldn't usually say, and then tops it up with another layer of kindness. He's too scared to let anyone know he has negative emotions. They can't know he's damaged.

"I need to stay with him."

In the morning, he gets out of Calum's bed as quietly as he can to sneak into the kitchen and make them all breakfast by his personal recipe-pasta with everything he can find in the fridge. Then he comes home and does the same here. It feels weird. He'd never do something like this a year ago. He doesn't find pleasure in helping people, and he never did-he feels nothing when people smile and thank him, he feels nothing when he knows he's made someone's life easier.

But now he finds himself doing these things anyway; he finds himself changing, as many would say, for the better. That was not the plan. The plan was to get worse. It was to become so annoying and miserable that people couldn't bear being in the room with him, so that after his death, the thoughts 'maybe he deserved this', 'the world didn't lose much', and 'he did this to himself' would cross people's minds, and they wouldn't feel guilty about it because it would be true.

Luke tells Sierra about Calum. Leaving out some details, of course. She doesn't even know what happened after graduation.

"You were comforting him as if it were younger you. I think it's nice." she pats his shoulder and smiles, but notices his eyes switch.

"Don't start with that inner child crap, you know I hate it." He really does. He changed several therapists because of this. He doesn't believe in healing someone who doesn't even exist. Like an imaginary friend. "That younger me was just as annoying as I am right now. He's just as bad. I didn't grow up into this person. I am this person and have always been."

"Come on, it's your disorder talking, it makes you forget the good-"

"Yeah, blame it all on the disorder, sure."

She stops chewing, putting the fork down.

"I'm not attacking you."

"It feels like you are."

"Doesn't mean I am."

"You secretly don't like me, admit it." he watches her closely.

"I don't have secrets from you. There's no 'secretly'."

"Everyone has secrets."

"Stop it, Luke. You wanted reassurance, I'm giving you that. I like you and I love you, and there are no secret feelings."

"But did I annoy you right now?"

She closes her eyes. "No."

He nods and gets on his feet, using the dining table as his support-he didn't eat either of the meals he made. He doesn't feel the hunger, but there are signs. Every video of Petunia he takes is shaky. He can't open a bottle of water. Holding his phone is exhausting.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't stand myself." Luke breathes out. "That conversation we just had?" he points back to the chair he's just gotten up from. "Fucking annoying. I don't even want to push, and that shit still comes out of my mouth. I can't stand it."

She watches him walk away into the bedroom for his so-called 'cat meditation' and sighs to herself, but doesn't follow. She only follows when he's upset with anyone but himself. Talking to him now would be setting off a grenade.

By the time she comes back home from work, Luke's been watching the ceiling spin for at least an hour. A bottle of wine on the kitchen table catches her attention. He's not even drinking his favourite drink. It's just to get drunk.

"Are you drunk?" she walks into the bedroom that has too many smells in it and not enough light. "Why did you drink?"

"Because I wanted to." he mutters from the bed, too busy trying to get the kittens to stay with him under the covers and sleep.

"Please, don't go back to that." she sighs, slouching her shoulders.

"I've never had a drinking problem." he frowns at her.

"Yes, you have. When you just moved in with Calum. You would show up to uni hungover at least three times a week."

"I was partying nonstop."

"And drinking." she adds, taking all the cats into her lap as she sits next to Luke. He finally looks up.

"I, uh, I don't have nightmares when I drink." he sighs, admitting at last.

She sighs heavily. "Does alcohol relax you in any specific way? Maybe I can give you a massage before you fall asleep or run you a bubble bath or-"

"I really don't know what helps me."

He's tried out most, if not all, options he's read on the Internet. He keeps himself and the room warm at night; he doesn't use his phone before bed and talks to Sierra instead; before bed, the air in the room is always fresh; pills; breathing exercises-he's done it all. And still, the only way for him to completely shut his mind off is to get wasted.

"Let's just try it out. I'll do anything to make you feel better."

He gets up to hug her, and it's so tight that she's worried he'll squish the babies. "Sorry, you probably don't like the smell." he mutters and pulls away, but she brings his face closer and kisses him, tasting the alcohol on his lips as he smiles.

Knowing Luke's and Calum's schedules don't always match, she gets Calum to come over on Saturday to tell him the same 'you can always talk to me' stuff she does every time she finds out he's struggling, but also to give him all the alcohol they have in the flat. One thing she knows about Calum for sure is that he's too mature and too responsible to use it the way Luke does.

"He's drinking, but he's not an alcoholic." Sierra says, handing him the bag. "He won't go out of his way to get drunk. That's why I'm giving it all to you. He won't bother to go outside and buy something. If he doesn't find it in the flat, he'll just go to sleep."

"You're so sure?" Calum says, trying to hold the bag higher because the kittens are trying to get inside anything they can. He already knows which one he'll take home in a couple of weeks-the girl with tiger stripes, she's the most chaotic. He might name her TG as well.

"He only puts his foot outside with me or Petunia, so yes, I'm absolutely sure. Unless he speaks up, I won't talk to him again about it. He'll only get triggered, and what's good in that?"

"You take such good care of him."

Sierra shrugs with a smile. "Well, he takes care of me, so how can I not give it back?"

hiii, here's the update pls let me know what you think of it!! thank you so much for reading and please don't forget to vote in the end! xx