Dog Days - Ethel Cain

"Can we please go faster?" Sierra taps the driver's seat a few times. She can't call Crystal anymore, and even Michael isn't available, too busy getting his fingers almost broken by Crystal pushing the baby out.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, it's not moving. On my way to get you, I saw there was an accident." he meets her eyes in the rear view and shrugs.

She restrains herself from asking him why the fuck he chose the same route if he saw the accident and just sighs. The cars around are as frozen as the one they're in, and she soon gets back into Luke's arms where she was all thirty minutes before. Her skin is dry but also feels sweaty-although it's mostly dirt-and she feels like ripping it off. Luke is the same, but he also can't keep his eyes open or his mind focused. The smell of petrol in the car is getting him nauseous, and he wants to open the window, but the beeping of nearby cars only makes his headache worse.

"Why, why, why should there be traffic at midnight?!" Sierra whines in Luke's collar.

"Darling, please-" he takes her hand, but she drops it at once, now sitting up straight.

"No, I should be with her right now. She asked for me. Fuck, I'm letting her down at the most important moment in her life." she looks down and takes his hand at last with a sigh. Not keeping her promises affects her as badly as actually hurting people.

"Michael is with her. Forgive me for saying this, but she needs him a lot more, and he's there." he whispers as gently as he can.

"But I promised." She's powerless in this situation, and she can't help this knot in her stomach.

"I know. It's not your fault."

It's his. He's convinced it is. He suggested the trip. He planned it all. And now she feels guilty because he fucked up. Crystal didn't have her best friend with her because he fucked up.

Too lost in his self-shame, he doesn't notice her taking some wet wipes and a mirror out of her purse to remove the makeup and the disgusting feeling of being on the road for too long without a proper shower. He mutters a quick 'let me' and cups her face, doing it all himself.

When they arrive at the hospital, it's far past two in the morning, and the baby has already been born. They spot Calum smoking not far away from the entrance, not noticing them until Sierra runs past him and through the doors, and Luke stops beside him and takes out his palm to ask for a cigarette. Calum gives him a warm hug before the cigarette, and they let the silence of the night cover them.

Calum catches the bags in the corner of his eye, and it wakes him up a little. "How was it?" he motions to the luggage.

"It felt like I was falling for her all over again. Just again and again and again. Every moment." Luke whispers, not turning to him. The hot smoke from his mouth is the only thing keeping him warm, and he shivers instinctively.

"Did you tell her?" Calum lets out a quiet and kind scoff.

"Yeah." he nods. "I mean, she knows I love her, but I think I love her more than she knows." He can never tell her this enough times. But in his mind, he's such a hypocrite for telling her every minute how much he loves her after he said he doesn't want to hear the same from her. It was more than a year ago, and it still haunts him. He still means it.

"Jeez, mate." Calum chuckles. "Haven't seen you so whipped in years."

Luke nods at him with a smile, holding a pause before asking, "You?"

"I never texted her back after graduation, and now she probably thinks I'm a jerk." he sighs. Every time he opens that message to reply, the pictures and feelings from that night flood his mind, and he turns off the phone before he repeats it all.

"You dated for almost a year. Do you think she doesn't know you?"

As Calum is about to reply, Sierra walks out of the hospital, smiling from ear to ear.

"I just saw the baby girl." she whispers to them and gets into Luke's arms. They both grin at her. "Through the glass, but I still saw her. She's precious."

By sunrise, Calum takes both of them-completely exhausted-home. They notice a white kitty-Luke is sure it's a girl-by their front door, and he greets her with a quiet but excited 'hi, baby'. He wants to pet her, but the weight of the bags doesn't let him bend low enough, so he just smiles at her again and watches her return it with her whiskers.

The first week of November is when Sierra returns to work and gets attacked with questions about the trip from Kamila, still her only friend there. All the lunch and coffee breaks are filled with telling almost every detail of the journey, including her hurt feet.

Luke gets back to work as well, not wasting any time and going directly to Calum.

"I will tell my boss about you so that you go through the interview part faster." he tells him on the other side of the phone call. Mr. Curt seems to care about Calum a lot more than his other colleagues, definitely seeing a son figure in him, so Calum feels confident about asking him for such a favour. Luke is reliable and so is Mr. Curt. "Or do you think they can give you a higher position with your experience?"

"No, I don't think they will." Luke smiles to himself.

And he's right. He isn't offered a position higher than Calum. He gets the same one as him. And now he sees his best friend every working day again; they edit commercials together and assist more qualified cameramen. This is just what he wanted. He hasn't had a job in more than half a year, only sitting at home and visiting the kids hospital less and less often-one of the kids, Jamie, passed away, and coming back there is a lot harder for Luke, but he can never abandon these kids for good.

Having finished her both monthly and weekly reports, Sierra takes the stairs leading to the principal's office to hand them in. She knocks on the door and a strangely familiar but unfamiliar at the same time voice tells her to come in. Once inside, she's met with the same posh expression that she saw not more than six months ago. Rebecca.

"You?"

"Good afternoon to you too, Sierra." she fake smiles at her, barely showing her teeth.

Sierra nods at her and places the papers on the desk, hurrying out of the office. Her boss is not her; she doesn't need to stay.

"You don't wanna know why I'm here? What if I'm your new colleague?" Rebecca asks.

"Well, are you?"

"No."

"Then I don't care."

"I'm her daughter-in-law." she smirks with her chin up, as if it makes her somehow better.

"Didn't know you got married. Congrats." Sierra says, with her fingers squeezing the door handle, and leaves the room. The memories of that birthday night flood her mind, and it might just explode.

Rebecca opens her mouth to reply, but Sierra is long gone behind the door, picking up her pace on her way to the bus stop. She takes out her headphones once she's in her seat, only to find them not charged at all. Now she has to sit in these emotions the whole ride home with nothing to take her mind off of it.

Luke is touching up the last bits of the dinner that is now ready to be served when he hears the door shut as loud as thunder. He flinches, but peeks out of the kitchen a second later.

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, why?" Sierra replies, taking her shoes off and almost throwing them in the corner instead of putting them on the shelf. Luke installed the shelf when they got back from the trip-it's boots season.

"You seem irritated." he shrugs but keeps his voice low.

"So what? You didn't do anything."

"So you're not-? It's not-? Okay, sorry, yeah." he nods to himself and walks back in the kitchen as Sierra follows him. She immediately smells the food despite the open window. Her mouth waters just at the smell of fried chicken, and she knows it's soft and tender too. His chicken somehow is always perfect. Calum did teach him a thing or two after all.

"Why are you apologising? You did nothing wrong." she sighs, falling into the chair as Luke places the plate in front of her.

"What happened at work?" he takes the seat opposite her, digging the fork into his own, much smaller, dish.

She takes a deep, heavy breath before sharing the story with all the details. "I felt like I could kill her right on that spot." she shakes her head, finishing.

"You got the images?"

She frowns at him.

He clears his throat before clarifying, "You told me about the images in your head. When you get pissed off." she nods slowly. He knows her too well, and it's scary, she thinks. "Do you still have them right now?"

She nods again, more eagerly, and his eyes start running around the room as if trying to find something.

"Think of something. I don't know, a bee. Sitting down on a flower."

"What?" Sierra frowns at him again but lets out a giggle. Her eyes sparkle for a second, fixed on his face.

"Distract your mind, come on." he says and goes on to describe a whole field of flowers and bees, as detailed as he possibly can. It sounds like a primary school student's first story-he's that bad with words. Sierra's giggle turns into a laugh and several minutes later she's begging him to shut up.

They wake up with a relieving thought that it's Saturday and they have absolutely nothing to do. The gloomy late November weather doesn't give them any other choice but to hide and cuddle under covers, moving to the couch in the living room only by afternoon just to do the same thing.

"Do you like working with Calum so far?" Sierra asks as her fingers make their way into his hair.

"Waking up and going somewhere every single day is so tiring, but honestly, I like this job. And Calum didn't lie-Mr. Curt is the best. You know how bad I am with the whole computer stuff," she nods, "and he's helped me with every step. Always comes and checks up on us at the end of the day to make sure we know our tasks for the next day and have no questions about the current project. It's like he cares about both us and the company."

"Wish I had a boss like that." Sierra scoffs, and he hugs her tighter. "I'm really happy for you. Maybe it can be a new start for you. Overall."

Luke lets out a cough at that, disguising it as a laugh, and hides his face in her neck. There's no start. He's so done with everything. There's no point in anything he does, and it's irritating. Infuriating even. So what if he finally got a stable job. So what if he has more money to take Sierra on proper dates now. So what if he can now buy new warmer clothes for Petunia. So what if he can finally afford a phone that doesn't need charging every four hours. So what if he can spoil Cory with candy that's not the cheapest in the shop. So fucking what. It's useless. It makes him feel absolutely nothing.

By the evening, he finds himself staring in the mirror again. He avoids mirrors the whole day, convinced that not seeing his fucked-up reflection makes him feel better, only to stand in front of it every evening and watch his eyes fill up with that old, familiar hatred again.

Pretending for Sierra that he's better after the trip only reminds him of what a fake person he is. He's faking his feelings, not knowing what's appropriate to feel at the moment; he's faking his words, he's faking his actions, he's faking his smile. He's fake. Nothing about him is real anymore, and maybe it never was.

One thing that can easily make him cry is simply looking in the mirror. There's no one in the world he loathes more. He can't stop the tears when he meets his reflection's eyes and hears himself mutter 'I hate you' again and again until he breaks down. And he sees himself in tears and can only think, "Right, this is all you could ever do." It is true, after all. He can only make himself spiral over nothing and then regret it for the next ten days. And then repeat. And repeat again. And again. A never-ending loop of his life.

He relocates to the kitchen to not draw any attention to how long he's been in the bathroom, but as soon as his eyes adjust to the darkness, the lights are on again.

"Jeez, why are you here in the dark?" Sierra jumps a little as she walks in, spotting him.

"Oh, I was just getting something from the fridge." Luke mutters and turns away to the shelves.

Small, soft, familiar footsteps get closer to him, and a second later she turns him to face her.

Bloodshot eyes. Of course.

"Are you crying? Why?" her fingers dry his cheeks, and he shrugs in response, closing his eyes.

"Just feeling kinda terrible."

"Are you hurt?"

"No, I mean like.. here." he points to his temple. In his head he's so good at explaining his emotions, but when the awaiting time comes and he's finally asked what it is that's bothering him, he can only do this. Weird gestures and 3-word sentences. Like he's a toddler. Or worse, an animal.

Sierra nods. "Do you want a hug?"

He nods back at her as another tear rolls down his cheek, and she wraps her arms around his torso so softly he barely feels it at first. She presses the side of her face to his chest, just listening to his too fast heartbeat as he rests his chin on her head. One soft kiss on his collarbone from her. She can't really reach any other part of him, and he just sighs at that while breathing in the citrus smell of her hair. Being around her favourite things-or smells in this case-makes him finally forget about himself.

"I really love you." he whispers, hugging her even tighter and hanging his head lower to the crook of her neck now.

"I love you too."

"I know." he needs to let her know that he feels her love without her saying it. Just to make her understand that he believes her when she says she loves him.

He can't make the same mistake again. He can't make her feel like she needs to prove she loves him. He can't keep making this so hard for her.

"I didn't know you were feeling this bad; I wish I'd been here."

"I always feel bad; you don't have to 'come to the rescue' every minute of my life." he tries to joke.

She breaks the hug slowly and takes his hand, leading him to the bed. The pile of pillows looks so inviting, but she doesn't sit next to him. She takes one and puts it on the floor.

"I want you to understand that I'm not trying to save you. Or get you out of it. You're already in it. Far too deep." he examines her voice for any sign of tiredness or annoyance, and there's none. "The only way is through, and I want to be with you through it too. Just so it's a little bit easier to bear. I'm just like you. I don't have a plan on how to do this. I only know that I will hold your hand any time and every time you're in this state." her palms squeeze his three times.

He shakes his head slowly. "I don't wanna give you even the smallest share of my pain."

"Give me something else. The tiredness. Let me do something." There's no way he can work full-time and do all the housework. The physical exhaustion is the least but only thing she can actually take away from him.

"I can't. I feel guilty."

"I would never blame you-"

"But I do. I blame me. For everything. All the things that ever happened in the world are my fault." he looks down. "Since I was a kid, I've always felt like people around me pretend to like me, pretend to be friends with me. Like I was sent here and everyone pretends they don't know I'm insane."

He hates how it sounds as if he thinks he's special. Like everything around him was made for him, and it's still all a lie. He doesn't want to be self-centred, but somehow he always is. Every problem is about him; everything is somehow relatable, even if it's completely opposite to each other. He's the loud and the quiet. The selfish and the selfless. The too cold and the too attached. He's everything that's too much and not enough.

"You're not too talkative. And you're not too emotional. You're not too loud. Not too needy or clingy. You're just you." Sierra whispers, her voice as soothing as when she talks Petunia to sleep.

"I don't like me." he confesses.

"I know." she sighs.

"I like you, though. You're smart. And kind. And loving. And interesting. You have hobbies. You have goals. Wants. Needs. You're a person."

Sierra smiles at him. All the best things he can think about a person, he always thinks of her. "You're a person too. Just like me. Remember your 23rd birthday? You told your dad that depression doesn't make you less of a person. You said that."

"I don't believe that." he shakes his head. "I said it just so that he didn't know that I hate myself as much as he hates me. I didn't want him to know we have anything in common."

She stops to think. She's aware she can't make him see himself through her eyes, but there has to be something. "Do you have like a role model? Someone you wanna be like?"

"You."

"No, no, separate yourself from me for a second." she smiles to hide the fear. "Just you. Who did you want to be as a kid?"

"I don't know. I only knew who I didn't want to be." Sierra nods for him to go on. "Me."

In the morning he's sitting in the silence of the kitchen, only the sound of Petunia eating is heard. He woke up early today for no reason and hoped to have a very light breakfast before cooking something proper for Sierra. But she had other plans. Dragging her feet tiredly, she enters the kitchen, not watching her step and shoving Petunia slightly.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she gets on the floor at once, squishing the dog's face and covering it with a million apologetic kisses.

Seeing Luke in her chair, she pats him on the shoulder. "Move."

They don't really establish what belongs to who, but secretly, in their heads, they do. Sierra's kitchen chair faces the window because she likes to watch nature and the park their flat overlooks. Luke's side of the bed is left. Sierra's plate is the one with a small snake in the middle-her dad would always buy her everything snake-themed for her birthday year. Luke's cup is the one with faded ornament, and even though there are two of them, his has very specific faded places. Sierra always feeds Petunia from an orange plate, and Luke puts the food on a pink one. But they never voiced any of this. They just know.

"Damn, you like my dog more than me." he mutters, and she laughs at him, kissing his cheek.

"Remember that kitty on the second floor?" he asks, walking up to the stove to make an omelette for Sierra. She nods. "She's been here for at least two weeks now. Maybe we should feed her?"

"You have to be ready she might want to stay with us."

"Would you mind?" he asks carefully, not turning to her. "If she stayed?"

"No." she smiles.

you have no idea how sorry i am for not updating for so long, and i don't even have any excuse so I'm not gonna drag it along. I'm just really sorry. hope you enjoyed this one, and I'll try to get back to you with the next chapter as fast as possible
but!! I'd really like you to leave as many comments as possible (about everything you liked or didn't like) bc I'd really like to see how many of you are still here and reading, and overall to feel some connection with this whole thing again <3

thank you for reading and please don't forget to vote in the end!! see you x