Long Sleeves - Gracie Abrams

The closer it gets to graduation, the more chaotic the renovation gets. All that's left to do in the new apartment is to buy and install all the furniture. It sounds like it's not a lot, like it's the most fun part about the renovation, until both Luke and Sierra realise how different their styles are and that they both want and need different things in the flat. Luke, of course, compromises lots of things in her favor—it's not his flat after all. So Sierra finds everything online, and Luke goes to the stores to buy it. They then spend weekends decorating or painting something, but it's mostly Luke painting and Sierra just telling him what to do.

"Can you do those little carvings on the ceiling?" Sierra says because the ceilings, the chandeliers, and the curtains are all his responsibility. After all, he's the one who's tall enough to do it all.

"Like what, write your name or something?" he chuckles at her. The smell of the paint makes his head spin, but he's really determined to finish all the painting today.

"No, that's silly." Sierra brushes it off, but looks up at him shyly, "Our names?"

He laughs at her loudly, throwing his head back and showing his dimples, but takes a smaller brush and draws a small heart with the letters L and S in it. It's the same white-ish colour as the rest of the ceiling, but the additional coat of paint makes the drawing a bit more visible.

After they make sure everything is dry, Luke goes on to put in the curtains. He has his own vision of what they should look like and how far up he should hang them. Sierra says it doesn't look right, but she can't tell what's wrong exactly. She doesn't have anything more than a feeling that it looks wrong.

"It has to be up there, so it's easy to decorate for Christmas." Luke argues.

"I forgot about you and your Christmas." Sierra mutters and lets him do it his way. It's not like she will look up at them.

"It's very important. Vital." Christmas decorations probably take up most of Luke's closet and shelves. His perception and idea of this holiday haven't changed since he was 5, and are very clear in his head. The rooms should be brightly decorated with everything and anything, just like in 2000's movies.

They've also changed the rooms, so whatever was Sierra's childhood bedroom, for example, is now a living room. She wasn't joking when she said she wanted to redo everything and start from scratch. Now, when they walk into the apartment, they have the kitchen to their right and the bathroom to their left. The living room is right after the bathroom, and it has a balcony where they'll put some more fairy lights and just make it an intimate place to spend the evenings in. Their bedroom is now in the center of the flat, which makes it probably the brightest room of all. The bed is pressed against the wall right in the middle, where the window is. The last room will be made into a study/library just for each of them to have a quiet space away from each other. As they're leaving the apartment, Luke takes a quick look around and comes up with the cosiest idea:

"We could make a fake fireplace? In the living room." he says, thinking aloud.

Sierra stops for a moment, looking at him in complete awe, "Oh my god, you're a genius." She's been dreaming about making this apartment something magical and warm, and his idea is exactly that.

Soon enough, Sierra gets too busy with the exams and university projects, so Luke has to finish the renovation by himself. With her strict instructions, of course. They're moving in together in a week, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't terrified. He's only lived with his parents , and then with Calum. He's never really lived with a girl. Sure, they've had 4-day long sleepovers, and those are amazing, but is living together the same? Will she get bored of him soon? Or even tired? Will it become monotonous and not as exciting? Will it make them closer? - if that's even possible.

Luke gets to packing some of his stuff the next day when he hears Calum come back from university. He's been meaning to talk to him for a couple of weeks now but hasn't had the time or the courage to start the conversation.

"Listen, Cal, I know I promised to pay bills and groceries till the end of the semester, but I got fired, and all the renovation, I don't think I-" he starts, dumping all the information he wants to say in one sentence so he doesn't have to prepare himself for another one.

Calum interrupts him with a smile, "It's alright, Luke." the knife in his hands slices the tomatoes so quickly that Luke almost forgets to listen to him. "You don't even live here as much. And you've been paying all of it all these months, so don't even worry about it."

"So I pay the bills, and you buy groceries. Just like the old times, until I completely move out?"

"Fine by me." he nods.

"Although I probably owe you some for looking after Petunia all these times I spent the night at Sierra's." Luke says in a quieter voice. He knows that Calum looks after Petunia as a part of his daily routine and doesn't even think about it twice, but she's still his dog.

"It's alright." Calum shakes his head. It's not like he's not enjoying the little walks he and Cory have with Petunia. He's been using that time to bond more with his little brother, and he even thinks it's working. Cory is a lot more open with him, he's eager to spend quality time with him, he goes to him for help more. Sure, he still is a lot more dependent on Luke emotionally, but on the whole Calum feels like a brother again.

"Are you finishing uni alright? Sierra seems so stressed. I mean she's told me she's not doing great." Luke says as they sit down for lunch. The feeling of not being able to really help her with the stress really fucks him up.

"Yeah, it's not the easiest thing, to be honest." Calum admits. "They've really just put every project and exam and test possible into the last few weeks. But I think we'll both make it." he's quite confident about his graduation. He's never been a straight-A student, but he is bright. He may be putting everything aside until it's almost due, but he gets stuff done.

This afternoon Feye invites him to her dorm room as they haven't been seeing each other much these days. She's occupied with her exams, Calum - with his graduation, Cory, helping Luke and Sierra with the flat, and of course he has a couple of lucrative work projects to finish. Luke happily tells him he'll spend the day - and the night if needed - with Cory.

Calum and Feye get to the point almost immediately - he kisses her deeply as soon as he walks in, not paying attention to a few boxes in his way and just walking around them. She smiles into the kiss, happy to see him too, but still tries to at least say 'hi' between the quick pecks. Soon enough their clothes are being thrown on her bed as well as on the floor, and they both move on to lay down. As Calum's lips go down her neck, her hands push him away slightly as she mutters 'wait, wait', breathing heavily.

"Is something wrong?" he looks up, taking her hand. His pupils are dilated so much, and if he weren't almost naked on her bed right now she'd say he looks like a precious puppy.

Seeing him like this makes her change her mind, "Let's have sex and talk after." she kisses him again.

And they do exactly that and Feye doesn't think about what she's going to do next, at all. She doesn't give away any clues either, enjoying their time together to the fullest. As their heartbeats slow down at last, she lets out a deep sigh. She has to do it now, this is the moment. She won't get a chance like that again.

"Would it be completely insane if I told you we need to break up?" she whispers, looking at the ceiling, with her head laying on his shoulder, as his hand covers her naked chest.

"The fuck?" he frowns.

"I have my last exam tomorrow. And then I'm leaving." she turns to look at him and gets on her elbows. "Come on, you knew this would happen." she tries to brush it off as if it didn't hurt her too. Her eyes start watering and she knows he can see it too.

"I- I love you..?" is all he can say, because of course he knew this would be the outcome. He doesn't want to beg her to stay because honestly, he feels like he's been doing it for the past several months. They've had the talk about their future numerous times, she's made it clear what her plans are, but she's never heard an answer from him.

"I love you too," she takes his face in her hands as a tear falls on her cheek. "But I can't love you how you want me to, Calum. I have a world to explore, and I would love to do it with you, but if you don't want to travel with me then this is it, I guess. I won't settle down." she shakes her head while his eyes try to memorize her features for the last time. He's trying to carve into his brain the way the blonde strands of hair shape her face. How her jawline became sharper in the last year, how the tiny scar under her eye lines up with her freckles, how she can't seem to get her eyelashes curled even with all the tools, but her lower lashes are always perfect on their own. "I can't do that. Even for you. I'm sorry." she places kisses all over his cheeks as her tears get mixed with his.

"It's not your fault I can't be what you need." Calum replies. He doesn't want her to feel guilty even if deep down he blames her too. In his head he can't understand how she could make this decision all by herself, but in his heart he knows he would've never made it himself. He would've continued leading her on which would've resulted in them ending it all on bad terms. So maybe he's glad she has the guts to do it, maybe he's relieved it doesn't have to be him.

"It's just- it's just happened, okay?" she traces his cheeks with her fingers for the last time. "We had an amazing time together, and I'm glad we did. And maybe if things were different-"

"If I was different." Calum mutters and she doesn't reply. The silence is worse than whatever she could've said. They say nothing for a few more minutes, just staring at each other, before nodding and going in for a hug. Cuddling while they're still sweaty after sex isn't as pleasant as just cuddling, but the whole situation isn't pleasing either. Their embrace lasts for at least a half an hour more as they just quietly weep into each other's necks.

When Calum gets home in the evening, he finds Luke in Cory's bedroom, passionately telling the boy what kind of flat he is going to have with Sierra. He's showing him all the pictures on his phone, talking all about how Sierra came up with most of the decorations and how much he loves it. He smiles at them, realising how much he is actually going to miss Luke when the he moves out. He calls them for dinner when, to his surprise, Cory replies that they've already eaten. Calum just nods, not meeting eyes with Luke, and closes the door after leaving the room.

"Seem quiet, mate." Luke nudges his shoulder, taking a seat next to him on the couch a couple of hours later after making sure Cory is asleep. Calum shrugs, still staring at the TV with no emotion. He probably has no idea what's happening on the screen.

"She ended it." he finally says after the torturing few minutes of silence, his voice quiet, hoping Luke doesn't catch his words. Luke turns to him with a frown, ready to say something, but nothing comes out. "Fi broke up with me." Calum says again, blinking at Luke too many times. "I don't even know if I can still call her that." he smiles on the verge of tears.

Luke just nods at him as his arms pull Calum closer. "She didn't love me." Calum whispers into his embrace, "She didn't even like me probably." he knows she did. He knows that their feelings were not the problem. They were real.

"I'm sorry, man, really." Luke's hands keep caressing Calum's back. If they were younger and immature, he would probably agree with Calum and talk shit about his now ex. That's what they used to do in high school, both of them. And now he doesn't want to fill the memories Calum has of this relationship with negativity. It was good, he saw it. There's no need to bash people. He wants to focus on Calum and his well-being, on something that can actually help. "I know it won't do much, but maybe try to sleep it off?"

"Yeah, I just want this day to end." he nods. Both of them get up, already turning to their rooms.

"And if you need to talk about it-"

"I don't." Calum forces a half smile. "But thank you."

"Love you, okay?" Luke returns the smile, a more sincere one.

"Love you too." he mutters with his head low, already on his way to his room. Luke watches him go, with an unsettling feeling in his chest, but quietly returns to his room as well.

Several hours later and he still can't stop thinking about it. He knows Calum never talks about his feelings, but this is an almost a year long meaningful relationship. There has to be something he's feeling, something he's going through, something that's keeping him up at night. Calum's been here for Luke every single time he's been dumped - which is a lot - and now he just has to do something more than just say that he's sorry.

Luke quietly gets into Calum's room and takes his hand. Calum knows what he's doing. He's checking if his friend has new cuts. And he does. A lot. Luke silently sighs and crawls into bed next to him, hugging him very gently as to not wake him up, not knowing that Calum felt every single thing. He's glad that Luke is hugging him from behind and can't feel his heartbeat - it's so fast that it's making it hard to breathe. The scent of Luke after a shower calms him down because he hasn't changed his shower gel or toothpaste brand in years. He buys the same thing every time, and it puts Calum at ease. Something consistent. Something that makes this feel like a high school sleepover, when he used to get irritated if Luke was too clingy but would never tell him anything, secretly finding it nice because Luke is a great hugger.

This morning is probably one of the worst mornings Calum's had in a while. The breakfast is half burnt even though Luke is in the kitchen with him, and now he's getting on his nerves, talking about how he's not sure if he should move in with Sierra right now. Something really clicked in his mind when Calum and Feye broke up.

"You're jumping the gun, Luke. As always." he says, getting the food from the pan it got stuck to. "It will work out. I promise you, just wait a little. You haven't even tried it." his back is facing Luke as he reaches the top shelf to get the plates.

"We'll break up one day anyway." Luke shrugs.

"What?" Calum turns to him slowly.

"What?"

"Why do you think you'll break up?"

"Because every relationship ends." Luke frowns at him, shrugging again. He reaches for the plates on Calums hands, but the latter pulls his hands away.

"Did you tell her about it?" Calum asks, not really believing he's having this conversation with Luke right now.

"Everyone knows it, what's there to tell?" he replies like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Luke, you two are moving in together. Now or later, but you are."

"Doesn't mean it'll last forever, does it?" he finally takes plates full of food from Calum's hands and places them next to each other on the table.

Calum closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Listen, you're my best friend. And so is she. But if you break her heart, I will not stand by your side, you can be sure of it."

"And if she breaks mine?" he says knowing that whatever she can possibly do to him won't make him love her any less.

"She won't."

"Oh, so you're sure I'll be the one to fuck everything up?"

"For fucks sake, no one is gonna fuck up anything!"

"And still somehow you're sure she won't be the one to break up." he says, calmly chewing his food.

"I know she won't." Calum tries to speak quieter and match Luke's attitude. "All I've heard for the past seven years is how much she loves you, how much she wants to be with you." Calum is a great listener, everyone knows it. He observes people and their interactions, and makes his own conclusions. And then he listens to said people explain what it actually means to them and how they perceive it. It's fascinating to him, truly. "She has her whole life planned out. With you."

Luke doesn't need to be reminded of that. He might be oblivious to most things, but he can see clearly how much she wants to have him all to herself, forever. "We don't have a whole life together, she knows it." He also doesn't need to be reminded of how suicidal he is, he can't stop thinking about it for even a minute. His 24th birthday is in less than two months which in his head means it's the last year of his life.

"Luke, please, just-" he takes a deep breath again, "don't do anything stupid, okay? I know she won't let you, but you're too stubborn sometimes." Sometimes is an understatement, but Calum doesn't say it out loud. Luke knows he's difficult to argue with - he's too radical during fights, too black and white. If someone argues with him not in the way his brain can handle it in the moment, he will hate this person for quite some time. He's not hateful and he doesn't like this feeling, but there's no in between for him. But most importantly, he won't ever forget the incident, and no matter how many times he tells himself he's forgiven the person, he actually hasn't. And he never will. And it will eat him alive, because he can't wrap his mind around the fact that people are able to forgive and not forget and just continue their relationship with the person. So as much as he tries, he knows that deep inside he's still mad at Sierra for asking if he'll come back to therapy, he's mad at her for showing him off to her friends. But love prevails. And as long as it's working out for them, as long as he isn't thinking about it daily, he won't look into it too much and make decisions he knows he shouldn't be making. "Just be kind to her." Calum adds, knowing that he needs to be as precise as possible or Luke will interpret it the wrong way.

"I am-"

"You know what I mean. Show her that you value not only her, but your relationship with her." Calum finally gets up from his seat, finishing the food. "She knows you love her, but do you love her enough to not fuck up her life?" he says before leaving as Luke lets his words sink into his brain.

Does he value her enough to not just love her, but show her that love in the way she needs it? He's not sure, honestly. He can't imagine himself staying alive just to love her. He can't imagine getting better just to love her. And it's not even the fact that its too much for him, but the fact that what if she won't like this version of him? Sure, she says she loves him entirely, including all his flaws, but what if she's wrong too?

His biggest mistake is thinking she needs this change. He thinks that she lowered her bar for him, when in reality it's never been this high. She's never had someone who's been dating her for only a few months, give all their saving to redo an apartment that isn't even theirs. She's never had someone who's so depressed that they can barely get out of bed, get up earlier in the morning to make her breakfast because they know she has no time for it. She's never had someone who hates being controlled, know all her little rules and follow them like it's their own habit, no complaining. She's never had someone who's known her for a third of her life, still be so interested in her and want to find new ways to know her and discover new parts of her, or even rediscover the old ones. Like Luke rediscovering her love and need for teaching. He knows she's always wanted to teach, but he didn't know she needed it to learn the material herself; he listens patiently as she explains astronomy to him, asks her questions just so he can then tell her the exact same thing on their dates when the sky is not cloudy and he can point to the wrong constellation.

the update took so long and im really sorry but I just hope you liked it :(( thank you for reading and please don't forget to vote in the end, it means a lot!!